Texas Sayings
Anne Dingus teaches you to talk Texan.
Robin says: Married to a fifth generation Texan, I can tell you that he could have put this article to shame all by himself. Faster than a dog can lick, well his backside, my hubby can roll out the southern quotes! For a magazine meant to represent the Lone Star state, this one just fell short. (January 16th, 2012 at 2:18pm)
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He always draws the best bull.
He’s riding a gravy train with biscuit wheels.
Immoral
Immoral
The twentieth-first century may be just around the corner, but staunch moral values—as professed publicly, at any rate—remain a constant in the Texas character, and woe to those who act otherwise. This quotation is a beaut. Not just women are targeted in such zingers: A similar remark for a man is “He’ll take up with any hound that’ll hunt.” Obviously, when it comes to Texas talk, immorality is fertile ground.
They call her radio station because anyone can pick her up, especially at night.
Loose as ashes in the wind.
She’s just naturally horizontal.
He was all over her like ugly on an ape.
They’re hitched but not churched.
He was born on the wrong side of the blanket.
They ate supper before they said grace.
Big
Big
A classic, it’s a succinct and subtle way of perpetuating the everything’s-bigger -in-Texas myth. It also recalls another legendary (if less flattering) quote long attributed to Union General Phil Sheridan, who was posted in Texas after the Civil War: “If I owned hell and Texas, I’d rent out Texas and live in hell.”
Big as all hell and half of Texas.
He don’t care what you call him as long as you call him to supper.
So big he has to sit down in shifts.
Fat as a town dog.
His butt looks like two hams in a tow sack.
He’s all spread out like a cold supper.
Boastful
Boastful
Texans are unabashed braggarts. This saying separates the seasoned boaster from the rest of the crowd.
He’s shot more buck deer in that bar than any other man in Texas.
She’s got more airs than an Episcopalian.
As full of wind as a corn-eating horse.
He thinks the sun comes up just to hear him crow.
He’s all broth and no beans.
He broke his arm patting himself on the back.
Mean
Mean
To break a horse is to train or domesticate it. This saying means a person is dangerous and mean—in essence, that he can’t be “broken.” Use it to convey that my-family-has- ranching-roots allure.
He broke bad.
Meaner than a skilletful of rattlesnakes.
So low he’d steal the nickels off a dead man’s eyes.
She makes a hornet look cuddly.
Meaner than a junkyard dog.
He’d start a fight at the drop of a hat—and he’d drop it himself.
Ugly
Ugly
In short, he’s ugly. Expressions for homeliness are the most common of Texas sayings. This stellar and venerable example paints a picture, tells a tale, and cracks a joke, all in twelve words.
He looks like he was in the outhouse when the lightning struck.
She’s so ugly she’d make a freight train take a dirt road.
He’s so ugly his cooties have to close their eyes.
So ugly his mama takes him everywhere she goes so she doesn’t have to kiss him goodbye.
She looks like she fell face-down in the sticker patch and cows ran over her.
He looks like the dogs have been keepin’ him under the porch.
Dumb
Dumb
Another great saying tied to Texas’ love of the land. Expressions for “stupid” are the second most common in Texas lore.
If dumb was dirt, he’d cover about an acre.
If all her brains were dynamite, she couldn’t blow her nose.
He couldn’t find his butt with a flashlight in each hand.
If brains were leather, he couldn’t saddle a flea.
He couldn’t pour rain out of a boot with a hole in the toe and directions on the heel.
Sharp as a mashed potato.
Crazy
Crazy
One of many marvelous references to “crazy.” Quite a few such descriptions spring from vintage homemaking or housekeeping terminology —consider also “She came right off the spool” and “He’s missing a few buttons off his shirt.” Obviously pioneer women were just as capable of coining colorful colloquialisms as were the men.
He don’t know if he’s a-washin’ or a-hangin.
He’s got a big hole in his screen door.
She’s a couple sandwiches shy of a picnic.
The porch light’s on but no one’s home.
Her phone’s off the hook.
He lost too many balls in the high weeds.
He’s overdrawn at the memory bank.
Illustrations by Edd Patton
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