Texas Monthly Annual Bum Steer Awards
(Page 3 of 3)
Peter Gent, ex-Dallas Cowboy, author of the successful North Dallas Forty, a first novel about the Dallas football team, that earned him over $500,000.
David Clyde—Young pitcher who signed a $125,000 contract out of high school with the Texas Rangers.
Ben Crenshaw—Young Austin pro-golfer, whose first year on the tour has netted him nearly $100,000.
Tom Johnson—At 31, named executive editor of The Dallas Times Herald.
Fred Hoflteinz—Won mayoral race of Texas' biggest city second time around.
H. L. Hunt, patriarch and symbol of all Texas oil and gas companies, which enjoyed record profits.
Esther Bellard, 19-year-old maid at Austin's Ramada Inn who was allowed to keep $10,000 she found under a mattress while cleaning one of the rooms at the Inn.
Former U.S. Marine Sgt. Ronald Ridgeway, officially reported dead in Viet Nam, who showed up in a prison camp five years later and in December, wed Houston beauty Marie Lucario.
R. W. Kirland, L. C. Stanchil and C. D. Doolittle, three Dallas construction workers who found $47,400 in gold certificates while digging a ditch at the Walnut-Stemmons Industrial Park complex in Dallas, and got to keep it.
Miss Vacant Lot of the World—Won by Ms. Modine Gunch, at the 3rd First Annual International Armadillo Confab and Exposition in Victoria.
WE'LL CALL THESE TWO GREGORY PECK AND PULLET GODDARD
According to the new Texas Penal Code it is still a third degree felony to steal cattle, horses, sheep and swine, but only a misdemeanor to rustle chickens.
PROCEED WITH THE IMPLANTATION OF THE ALGERIAN TRANSISTOR RADIOS IN THE BOTTOM MOLARS
Ross Perot revealed that he set up his very own privately financed spy network in Viet Nam.
AND THEN YOU HIT IT WITH DELSEY TWO-PLY, CAULKING GUNS AND A LEECH
Dr. William Kelly, an orthodontist from Grapeville, has made public his cure for cancer. It consists of coffee, lemon juice, buttermilk and yogurt enemas followed every fourth night by a rubdown from head to toe with olive and castor oils. Then you take a 15-minute hot bath and spend an hour in bed with heavy covers and a heating pad to sweat out the remaining poisons.
PHI BETA COPPER
Sheriff A. B. Nail of Pecos gives close shaves and basic training-length haircuts to all long-haired inmates of his jail. "Eighty-five percent of the people in my jail have long hair and this indicates to me that all thugs wear long hair and messy clothes." (Charles Whitman, Richard Speck, Dean Corll and Juan Corona all had crew cuts, A.B.)
CHARLES LEMAISTRE, WETHEAD
The University of Texas at Austin will build a $6.6 million swimming pool for its non-award-winning swimming team. Chancellor LeMaistre's son, Fred, is a member of the team.
HOW'S THAT AGAIN?
Baylor alums received a splashy brochure highlighting gambling, drinking and horse-racing wonders on a proposed trip. After a volley of protests, the ex-student association mailed new letters emphasizing the cultural and religious advantages of San Juan, Puerto Rico.
SOCKET TO ME AT CREDIBILITY GAP
University of Texas officials claimed the lights used at last fall's night football games didn't contribute to the energy drain because fans at the stadium weren't using their television sets.
AND THOU SHALL BE CHASTE ALL THE REST OF THY LIFE
In San Antonio, Gem L. Poe was struck by lightning while sawing a tree limb. Poe was uninjured but the bolt melted his nylon socks and welded his fly shut.
STIFF COMPETITION
Ortiz Mortuary in San Antonio and the University of Texas Medical School in San Antonio race each other for the bodies of paupers. Ortiz wants the corpses for money (the county pays him $160 per corpse to embalm and bury them) and the medical school for research items. Ortiz is ahead.
TEXANS WE COULD HAYE DONE WITHOUT
1. Dr. Joseph Farrar, Houston—Former head of Artesia Hall, the recently closed juvenile home where a child died of neglect.
2. Rayford Price, defeated candidate in legislative race against Rep. Fred Head—Used his blind brother Grady's picture as a billboard in an attempt to smear Head.
3. U.S. Rep. Jim Collins—Is under investigation for an alleged scheme to rake off portions of his employees' salaries for his own pockets.
4. Oscar Wyatt—Chairman of the board of Coastal States Gas.
5. Bud Adams—Owner of pro football's worst team, the Houston Oilers.
6. Jake Jacobson, former assistant to the late President Johnson—Filed for bankruptcy and whose law firm was the liaison which carried the controversial cash contributions between the Associated Milk Producers of San Antonio and the Committee to Re-elect the President.
7. Central Christian Churchof Austin—Notified the city that they intended to tear down historic Hunnicutt House and build a church parking lot.
HO-HUM, YAWN
The Confederate Air Force will be grounded because of the fuel crisis.
SERVES YOU RIGHT
George Bush was whopped on the head by a Spiro Agnew warmup serve.
SCUTTLE THE PORTHOLE! WEIGH THE MIZZENMAST! CAST OFF THE FIRST MATE!
Texas A&M has bought a two-man sub costing $149,256; top speed is two knots.
A WRENCH IN TIME...
Austin TV camera man George Brown got a letter from General Motors recalling his 1972 Vega because the rear axle might disengage. On his way to the garage, it did.
FREEDOM OF THE PRESS BELONGS TO THE MAN RICH ENOUGH TO BUY IT
Capital Cities Broadcasting Co. of New York City bought the Fort Worth Star-Telegram and its radio station, WBAP-AM-FM, for $80 million. Linn Broadcasting, also of New York City, bought Fort Worth's television station, WBAP-TV, for $35 million. In San Antonio, Australian press mogul Keith R. Murdoch bought the Express-News for $18 million.
REPORTS OF MY WHEREABOUTS ARE GREATLY EXAGGERATED
The first I've ever heard about it, said Gov. Briscoe when told of the existence of the LaGrange Chicken Ranch, the longest running Farm of Ill Fame in America.
COULD WE SEE A PICTURE OF THAT?
Commenting on how easy it is to get along in Washington, D.C., Special Assistant to the President Anne Armstrong said: "Men are bending over backwards to meet women halfway up here."
I ONLY REGRET THAT I HAVE BUT ONE LIFE TO GIVE FOR MY COUNTY
A. A Dallas County jury after 44 minutes of deliberation handed down sentences of 5,005 years to each of the two brothers accused of kidnapping Amanda Dealey 16 weeks earlier.
B. Three men and two women received maximum penalties of a $5,000 fine each and five years in prison for conspiring to show Deep Throat. The actual showing of the movie is a misdemeanor.
C. Underground newspaper editor Stony Burns was convicted for possessing 1/10 of an ounce of marijuana seeds.
D. Assistant D. A. Frank Jackson asked a Dallas jury to sentence Milton Frank to 10,000 years for armed robbery.
THE ROAR OF HIS EGO, THE SMELL OF THE CLOUD
Braniff commissioned Alexander Calder to repaint their South American bound planes, eliminating the airline's name from the fuselage and substituting his own.
FOR THE LAST MEAL, LET'S HAVE COLD CUTS
"Apparently they would rather freeze to death in pure air for lack of fuel than suffocate in polluted air." Senator Peyton McKnight of Tyler, speaking of environmentalists in a speech during December's special session on lowering Texas highway speed limits.
DO YOU BILLY BOB, TAKE THEE BERNARD?
In Wharton, an ex-football player and a female impersonator obtained a marriage license and were married by a Dallas minister who said of the unusual coupling: "We marry souls, not bodies. They are married in the eyes of God and in the eyes of Texas."
HONEST SCALES...NO TWO WEIGHS ABOUT IT
Jim Toon of Dallas was fined $250 for selling fresh strawberries in a deceptively large basket with a false bottom. He used wicker baskets with paper sacks wadded up in the bottom to fool shoppers. It was Jim's second bust for the same offense.
AT QUARTERBACK, NUMBER 24, EMORY THE TERRIBLE, WEARING THE HOUSEDRESS AND BEJEWELED KNEEPADS
Northshore Jr. High. School (Galena Park) football coach, Tony Simpson wrote that long-haired young athletes were mousy panty-waisted, feminine and potential slaves to wives, girlfriends and mothers. Said Tony:
(1) "The fact that males are wearing their hair long does not mean that the U.S is going to be destroyed. But it does indicate that the condition of the soul is not only abnormal but reversed."
(2) "A woman who wants a feminine-appearing male is not a real woman in her soul."
(3) "Today's mousy males enjoy being in submission to warped women and actually are fooled in to believing they look better with long hair."
(4) "A man's short hair is a sign of authority over the woman and means he recognizes his authority."
(5) "It should be pointed out here that the only reason males are free to permit this is because we had real men that were not cute, not sweet, and not pretty with courage and sense enough to kill our enemies on battlefields all over the globe."
ATHLETIC SUPPORTER OF THE YEAR
Coach Joe Woolley of Galveston's Ball High School who was fired for altering grade transcripts of two of his players.
My Library
