The 1976 Bum Steer Awards
Life! Ah, what magic lies in those words! But the question of 1975 was this: Is there life after Dolph? Looking back on the past year, we’re not even sure there was life during Dolph. But even if life failed us, Bum Steers did not. Day after day, month after month they reared their long, horned heads and mooed. We heard them, saved them, and now it’s your chance to hear them, too: this year’s Texas Monthly’s Bum Steer Awards.
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TOUGH TOENAILS FOR ALL YOU SPASTIC, UMRELLA-TOTING, HEAVILY MADE-UP, FAT, BLACK, FEMALE HIPPIES
Jon Sparling, assistant DA in Dallas, believes prosecutors should look for jurors that “are hypocritical, biased, redneck individuals who want a crook kept off the streets.” His no-no list of jurors includes women (“I can’t trust them”) who carry umbrellas and wear heavy makeup, blacks, fatties, physically impaired, free-thinkers, and flower children.
PHYSICIAN, REVEAL THYSELF
Ben Vick was caught impersonating a doctor in Kansas when he told hospital officials he was a 1956 graduate of the UT Medical School in Houston. The school didn’t open until 1970.
PIE WITNESS NEWS
Austin and Lufkin television newsmen were hit with shaving cream pies while reading the evening news on the air.
RIGHT, WALT, DON’T CALL US, WE’LL CALL YOU
Former LBJ aide Walt Rostow, now a UT professor, called for an invasion of North Viet Nam during the last days of the Saigon regime.
THAT’S AFTER THEY DO A SWINE DIVE
Barbara Backus has taught nine pigs to swim for San Marcos’ Aquarena Springs underwater show.
WALT ROSTOW IS LOOKING FOR AN AIDE, GENE
Gene Tipps of Seymour woke up in June after being in a stupor for eight years following an auto accident.
THEY WERE ONLY HALF-ASSED BEFORE
Lieutenant Governor Bill Hobby, after listening to a long speech by Houston Senator Walter “Mad Dog” Mengden, remarked, “Walter, you have just made a complete ass out of the Senate. I hope you’re satisfied.”
LOVE THY NEIGHBOR, SO LONG AS SHE’S BAPTIST
Dr. W.A. Criswell, pastor of Dallas’ First Baptist Church (largest in the world) had a four-hour debate with atheist Madalyn Murray O’Hair in which he called her a liar and a Communist and told her to “shut your mouth, woman.”
OUR REMEMBRANCE OF THINGS POSH AWARD TO:
Frank Erwin, former UT regent chairman, who threw a temper tantrum in Austin airport and threatened to fire managers and employees of Texas International when his reservation was resold after he failed to show up on time.
AGE OR IQ, JUDGE?
Chief Justice Joe Greenhill of the Texas Supreme Court held up a “hook-‘em-horns” sign before swearing in Texas A&M grad Glenn Kothmann as president pro tempore of the Texas Senate.
WEDDED BLITZ
Danny Kizer was arrested in Houston and charged with seven counts of bigamy after two of his wives met while visiting a sick friend and discovered each was married to Danny.
OH
Ten Mexican-American sympathizers of the United Farm Workers Union were wounded by South Texas citrus farmer C.L. Miller, Jr., who “opened season” on the picketers. “I haven’t been shooting at them. I shot ‘em,” Miller said.
PHYSICIAN, FEEL THYSELF
Locksmith Robert Story was arrested for impersonating a doctor after patients at the Texas Medical Center complained of a fondler. He worked through five floors at the Center before being caught.
HE OWES DANNY KIZER $35
Eagle Pass Justice of the Peace Tomas Herrera helped the economy by giving $5 rebates to all newlyweds.
BIG DEAL. HOW DO YOU GET TO THE DRAIN?
The costliest Christmas gift in the Sakowitz catalog was an old-fashioned bathtub filled with diamonds. Price: $118,335,000 (sales tax extra).
BUM SOW AWARD
Will Corrales of San Antonio raised a six-legged female pig that also has two stomachs and two sets of reproductive organs.
WHERE HE REIGNS, IT POURS
After House Speaker Bill Clayton broke a dozen gavels, Houston representatives issued helmets to House clerks. One gavel barely missed Clayton and landed in his chair.
JUST A SATORI AWAY FROM NIRVANABURG
Followers of Swami Satchidananda are negotiating for 1200 acres in East Texas for a proposed model community ashram to be called Yogaville.
FIRST THINGS FIRST
Houston School Board candidated Bill Harwell left for a cruise to the Bahamas while his campaign treasurer conducted his runoff election bid. Yes, he won.
EARTH HAS AN UNLISTED NUMBER
Dr. George Low, deputy chief of NASA, told aviation and space writers he believes in intelligent life on other planets, but said, “If those beings had wanted to communicate with us, I believe they would have by now.”
THE MOVING SPHINCTERS POINT, AND HAVING POINTED, MOVE ON
Cold weather finally drove away the almost one million cowbirds that were depositing 862 pounds of droppings daily on Rice University.
I DON’T KNOW MUCH ABOUT ART, BUT I KNOW ABOUT NEKKID
W. D. Wyatt, president of the First National Bank in Corsicana, removed a Renoir nude before putting an exhibit of 140 paintings on public display.
A GOOD CENTERFIELDER WOULD HAVE HAD IT
On the opening day of the Texas Rangers baseball season, a helicopter crashed in right center field.
FOR OUR ANNUAL SALE WE STRIP COMPLETELY
Griffin’s Western Wear of Austin advertised on TV that “All our clothes are 20 per cent off all the time.”
PEOPLE WE WANT TO HEAR MORE FROM IN 1976
Okay, come out, we know you’re in there. Ben Barnes, Candy Mossler, Preston Smith, Candy Barr, Ben Jack Cage, Dolph Briscoe, Gen. Edwin Walker, Marina Oswald, James Ling and Rosa Carrasco.
DON’T WORRY, MAYOR, CHLORINE TURNS ‘EM WHITE
Asked whether a future swimming pool was needed in the black section of Pittsburg, Texas, Mayor D. H. Abernathy said, “I don’t know what they want one for anyway. Everybody knows those niggers are scared of water.”
AND THEN IT’S ATTACKED BY A HOSTILE BAND OF INDIAN CORN
Neiman Marcus’ Christmas Excess was an $8000 sterling and silver-plate model “gravy train” with an engine and four cars that circle the table delivering condiments and gravy.
I THOUGHT I THAWED A PUDDY TAT
Reveille, the Texas A&M canine mascot that died last summer, was kept in a deep freeze, awaiting a proper burial until the student body returned for fall classes.
DROOL AND UNUSUAL PUNISHMENT
Julio Nieto, the famed Weslaco spitter, so named for his custom of spraying citizens and buildings, was arrested once again this year. After landing in jail, Julio tore up his mattress and broke several light bulbs by spitting on them while they burned.
IT’S SIMPLE! YOU JUST FOLD ONE CUP INSIDE THE OTHER . . .
Lackland Air Force Base officials discontinued the use of females as drill instructors after basic trainees complained about having women show them how to fold underwear.
TAKE A DAY OFF, BOB. MAYBE THREE
“Matagorda Island’s beaches are the prettiest this side of the Riviera,” said State Land Commissioner Bob Armstrong.
AND THEY SHALL BEAT THEIR F-4s INTO PLOWSHARES
Former South Viet Nam Premier Nguyen Cao Ky told reporters he was thinking of moving to San Antonio to become a farmer.
HEY MOBSTERS! TIRED OF VEGAS?
Abilene prosecutors dropped murder charges against a man accused of killing his daughter’s boyfriend because they were reluctant to locate funds to bring in out-of-state witnesses.
JUST PUT YOUR CADILLACS IN A CIRCLE AND YOU’LL BE OKAY
A group of women objected to the new state constitution because it deleted a provision allowing the governor to call out the militia to repel Indian attacks.
JOHN WAYNE WEPT
A recent translation of a Mexican officer’s diary revealed that Davy Crockett surrendered at the Alamo, and was executed some time after the battle.
THE OPPONENTS KEPT SEEING THREE VOLLEYBALLS
Esther Pena was thrown off the Texas A&M volleyball team for refusing to wear a bra during workouts.
WHAT REALLY GOT’EM WAS SHE WOULDN’T TURN OVER
Members of the Scenic Loop Swim Club near San Antonio voted to oust member Paula Newell for undoing the back of her bathing suit.
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