1980 Bum Steer Awards
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ALL’S FAIR IN LOVE AND PLUMBING
A clerk in the Corpus Christi plumbing inspection office wrote letters to contractors at city expense asking them to donate $25 each to pay for her wedding.
YOU CAN ALWAYS TELL THE GOOD PLACES BY THE TRUCKS PARKED INSIDE
A Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant in Childress was wrecked when a semi skidded off a highway and plowed through the front window.
FURTHERMORE, THAT’S OFF THE RECORD
Dallas bail bondsman “Smokey” Joe Smith, facing charges that he gave a false financial statement to obtain a bank loan, called reporters to a news conference where he answered every question with “No comment.”
BUT IT’S STILL UNOFFICIAL
A Texas A&M civil engineering professor, an asphalt specialist for 35 years, has concluded that traffic is a major cause of potholes.
THE QUALITY OF MERCY IS NOT STRAIN’D. IT DROPPETH AS THE GENTLE RAIN FROM HEAVEN
Inmates in the Smith County jail took their revenge upon the district attorney by stopping up their commodes, causing sewage to leak into his office on the floor below.
GETTING IN IS EASY, BUT THE FINAL IS LABORIOUS
The only public school in Dallas permitted to teach sex education is a special school for pregnant girls.
WHY DIDN’T NEW YORK THINK OF THAT?
After Municipal Judge E. B. White of Dayton was reprimanded for fining people for traffic offenses that had never occurred, he explained, “The city needs the money.”
EVEN AT THAT, IT WAS WORTH IT
Controversial Dallas school superintendent Nolan Estes changed the district’s severance pay policy to reward a retiring administrator, then benefited from the precedent when he himself left the DISD shortly afterward.
ONE GIANT STEP FROM MANKIND. BACKWARDS
NASA’s inability to keep Skylab in orbit or predict where it would fall sparked a booming business in Skylab protective helmets.
HE HAD TO. NOBODY ELSE WOULD
Harris County Commissioner Bob Eckles personally reduced by $88,000 the county’s valuation on his own land.
WILL YOU SETTLE FOR BRAD CORBETT AND CASH?
The Texas Rangers were forced to give up their top hitter, Oscar Gamble, to the New York Yankees as punishment for making a trade that violated baseball rules.
DETAILS, DETAILS
After failing to find any of the Senate’s missing Killer Bees for three days, the Department of Public Safety announced they were bringing Houston Senator Gene Jones to Austin. When they arrived, they were informed that their quarry was really Jones’ brother Clayton.
IF OUR PRAYERS AREN’T ANSWERED, NUKE IT
Governor Clements described the Mexican oil spill that washed ashore on Texas beaches as “much ado about nothing” and suggested that we pray for a hurricane to disperse it.
FIGURE THE ODDS ON THAT ONE
After a Houston official who set up a $6000 loan to pay Mayor Jim McConn’s Las Vegas gambling debts was indicted for extorting similar sums from city contractors, McConn denied any connection.
THANKS—WE NEEDED THAT
Harold and Greg Carlson of Dallas are marketing a new men’s cologne called Texas Crude.
IT’S SO HARD TO GET FRESH INGREDIENTS THESE DAYS
The City of Palestine honored a retiring sanitation worker by serving a cake decorated with chocolate cockroaches.
THE BUSES WERE BROKEN ANYWAY
An Oregon congressman who came to Houston for a look at new contraflow bus lanes on the North Freeway was unable to observe them because he was caught in a traffic jam.
NOW THEY TELL US
The president of Southland Corporation announced that Seven-Eleven stores would no longer sell cigarette papers because they are used for smoking marijuana.
THE JUDGE GAVE THEM FIVE YEARS IN THE CANNELLONI
Armed bandits in Austin hijacked a delivery van, making off with $87.90 and one medium-sized pizza.
YOU WANT $23,000 FOR THAT JUNK?
Two Houston robbers who stole $23,000 worth of jewelry were arrested after they tried to sell the loot to the man who made it.
YOUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK, PART ONE
Garbage collectors toted off $2400 Bexar County tax office cashiers had stored in trash cans.
SAY IT WITH PENICILLIN
An El Paso florist’s Valentine’s Day billboard urged buyers to GET YOUR SWEETIE SOMETHING FOR VD.
NEXT YEAR THEY’RE HOPING FOR AN EARTHQUAKE
After a tornado devastated Wichita Falls, local TV station KAUZ tried to attract new advertisers by placing the following ad in a New York trade publication:
“Twenty thousand people saw nearly everything they owned destroyed by a killer tornado last month. Their will to rebuild and replenish has been bolstered by $370,000,000.00 in federal aid and insurance claim settlements. That’s an average of $18,500.00 per person to spend on soap and toothpaste, new cars and furniture. Everything needed for a fresh start. If you need any more good reasons to increase the reach of your client’s product, give us a call.”
IT COULD HAVE BEEN SO MUCH WORSE
A convenience store clerk who carried a gun in his waistband as protection against robbers accidentally shot himself in the leg when he unzipped his pants in the rest room.
SURE
A San Antonio policewoman posing as a hooker arrested a local health inspector who said he approached her because he was trying to track down a carrier of syphilis.
HE HAD THE CUTEST WAY OF BREATHING
An Abilene woman asked police to dismiss charges against a man she had accused of making vulgar telephone calls so that they could be married.
THAT FIGURES. THE ONES WITH THE WORST TEST SCORES ARE TEACHERS
The Houston Independent School District employees with the worst absentee records are attendance officers.
WE’VE NOTICED THE DIFFERENCE ALREADY
President Carter appointed Dolph Briscoe to a select committee that will advise the President on efficiency in government.
YOUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK, PART TWO
Lubbock city officials received a community development grant from the federal government in the form of a blank check.
SHE WAS ON A DIET
Secret Service agents blew up a package intended for Lady Bird Johnson. The parcel contained a scarf, a belt, and two candy bars.
THE GUINNESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS WAS NOT INTERESTED IN:
David Waddle, a country-and-western dance instructor at Amarillo College, who waltzed across Texas from one side of the Panhandle to the other.
COME BACK, ALL IS FORGIVEN
6 People it would be nice to hear from again.
Frank Erwin
Bill Moyers
Fred Hofheinz
Emory Bellard
Candy Barr
Lawrence Foster
J. Evetts Haley
Larry McMurtry
Farrah Fawcett
WE DIDN’T DO ANYTHING, AND WHAT’S MORE, YOU CAN’T PROVE IT
Sedco, the drilling company founded by Governor Clements and run by his son, (1) denied all responsibility for the Mexican oil spill although its rig was used to drill the well, (2) hauled the damaged rig away and scuttled it in the ocean before anyone inspected it, and (3) filed a motion to limit its liability to $300,000.
DON’T THINK OF IT AS ONE DAY. THINK OF IT AS 24 HOURS
Federal Judge Ross Sterling sentenced three Houston cops to a years in prison and five years’ probation for violating the civil rights of drowning victim Joe Campos Torres—the most lenient sentence ever given for such a crime. After an appeals court declared the probated portion of the sentence illegal, Sterling extended the total punishment to a year and a day.
WHEREAS IF IT WERE VICE VERSA WE’D BE GETTING OUR MONEY’S WORTH
A plastic surgeon at Dyess Air Force Base complained that tax dollars were being wasted on eyelid lifts for officers and breast jobs for Air Force wives.
FOXES 1, HENHOUSE 0
The Public Utility Commission staff recommended a rate increase for Ma Bell higher than the company requested.
AND HE’S CHANGING HIS NAME TO FRANZ JOE BOB
Prince Franz Josef II of Liechtenstein, whose country totals 39,040 acres, has bought more than 40,000 acres in Texas.
IT’S NOT HER BODY THAT WE LIKE, IT’S HER MIND
A new museum honoring the Kilgore Rangerettes features old uniforms, fluttering pom-poms, and a shapely seventeen-foot cutout of a coed in a red blouse, white cowboy hat, and a blue miniskirt.
TWO WATER SKIS AND ONE FRAYED TOW ROPE TO:
A University of Texas student, known only as “John” who released 316 baby alligators in Lake Austin and Lake Travis.
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