Bum Steer Awards 1983
(Page 4 of 4)
EAT YOUR HEART OUT, LANCE TARRANCE
For its eight months of work in appealing a federal court order that the State of Texas reform its prisons, the Houston law firm of Fulbright & Jaworski billed the states $1,081,740.
BE PATIENT, LADY, THE GRANT MONEY IS ON THE WAY
A woman resident of El Tesoro apartments in Fort Worth filed a complaint alleging bathtubs filled with raw sewage, exposed live wire, and a broken second-story balcony. The apartments are owned by Dick Eudaly, the regional administrator for the federal Department of Housing and Urban Development.
NEXT TIME YOU’RE IN TROUBLE, CALL A DEVELOPER
The City of Wilmer disconnected its police emergency telephone number so that Dallas speculators purchasing land in the area would have a second toll-free line to discuss zoning changes with Wilmer officials.
THAT EXPLAINS IT
Randall King, owner of King Air Service in Dallas, asked a Nueces County district judge to grant him pauper’s status for the appeal of his conviction for felony possession of marijuana. During his trial, King had been represented by five attorneys, including Racehorse Haynes.
ANYONE WHO BREAKS THIS RULE WILL BURN ETERNALLY IN HECK
As the result of a decision by state education commissioner Raymon Bynum that Webster’s New Collegiate Dictionary not be considered for adoption because it contains obscene words, Texas high school libraries must use dictionaries printed no later than 1969.
IT’S A TOUGH JOB BEING A COP, AND YOU LOSE MORE THAN YOU WIN AGAINST THE GUYS IN THE BLACK HATS, BUT SOMETIMES . . .
A group of SMU students touring the county jail were asked to leave their driver’s licenses with a deputy as a procedural precaution. Deputies ran a computer check of the licenses and then arrested one student with over $200 in unpaid parking tickets.
DON’T GET MAD, GET EVEN
When federal officials complained that Blue Cross and Blue Shield of Texas had a backlog of more than a million Medicare claims, the company saved time by canceling its computer program to detect phony and erroneous claims — costing the feds $26 million in overpayments.
HE MEANT, “I WANT MY LAWYER”
Testifying on behalf of David Ruiz at a hearing to determine whether the prison reform activist’s parole should be revoked, county court judge Steve Russell in Austin described Ruiz’ statement “I did that robbery” as “a slip of the tongue.”
BUT THANKS TO THE AUTHENTIC SMOKE FLAVOR, THEY BOUGHT FIVE ORDERS TO GO
Citing a city ordinance that prohibits firemen from answering calls outside the city, a truckload of Cleburne fire fighters sat and watched Charlie Perkins’ barbecue restaurant —bordering the city limits three blocks from downtown — burn to the ground while Perkins fought the blaze with a garden hose.
IT STILL BEATS DETROIT
Six months after district judge Ted Poe of Houston told Richard Judd to either go to prison or return to his native Michigan within thirty days and not come back to Texas for two years, Judd was found in Houston and sentenced to the penitentiary.
HER JOINTS WERE STIFF
After police found marijuana growing in Laura Clark’s back yard, a Houston jury convicted the 82-year-old great-grandmother of felony possession of marijuana, although she said she was growing herbs to treat her arthritis.
THE ORGANIST IN THE MARCHING BAND GAVE IT AWAY
Aldine High School officials argued in court that their school song is not a prayer. The lyrics of the song are “Dear God, please bless our school and all it stands for / Keep us free from sin, honest, and true / Give us courage and faith to help make our school the victor / In Jesus’ name we pray, amen.”
OOPS! I MEANT THE GREAT BLACK SPADE
While campaigning for reelection, Texas agriculture commissioner Reagan Brown referred to Booker T. Washington as the “great black nigger.”
PRESENTED IN MEMORY OF BOOKER T. WASHINGTON
Texas agriculture commissioner Reagan Brown, meeting with Amechi Umerah of Nigeria concerning exports of Texas cattle, gave his visitor a certificate reading, “Official Texas Sharecropper.”
“AND I MEAN IT, OR ‘SPCA’ DOESN’T STAND FOR THE SOCIETY FOR THE PERFORMANCE OF CAT ASSASSINATIONS”
Dr. Marjorie Sewell, assistant director of the Dallas County health department, said during a radio interview that if a stray cat walked into her yard, “I would shoot it with a gun. I just hope I hit it between the eyes because I don’t want him in my yard. I want people in my neighborhood to know I won’t tolerate their irresponsible pet ownership.”
MAYBE WE’VE BEEN WRONG ABOUT THE AGGIES . . .
Scholastic aptitude test scores for entering freshmen at Texas A&M were higher than those for freshmen at any other public university in the state.
. . . ALL THESE YEARS . . .
Bryan-College Station, the home of Texas A&M, has the highest per capita use of libraries in the nation.
. . . THEN AGAIN, MAYBE NOT
The Aggie calendar for 1982 printed and distributed by the Texas A&M Association of Former Students, contained calendars for months in the following order: January, February, March, June, July, June, July, August, September, August, September, December.
THIS IS DALLAS
IT’S THE ONLY WAY TO WORK UNDER COVER
The police department in the Dallas bedroom community of University Park announced plans to purchase a Mercedes-Benz for use as a patrol car.
NEXT: THE QUICHE FACIAL
Neiman-Marcus offered a Perrier Perm, a permanent topped off by pouring chilled Perrier water on the head.
AND A SILVER SPOON STUFFED IN THE MOUTH
An Idlewild debutantes’ ball in Dallas featured a punk rock masquerade with costumes that included real blood on the face and a safety pin stuck through the cheek.
THE HUNTS WANTED SILVER CORNERS
Arnold Weber built over 150 tennis courts in Dallas last year using designer colors.
THERE ARE A MILLION HEARTACHES IN THE BIG CITY, BUT A MAN’S GOT TO KEEP ON GOING ANYWAY
Some Dallas Cowboys season ticketholders were unable to find space in the Texas Stadium parking lot because so many others arrived in limousines that took up more than one parking space.
FIRST PLACE WENT TO “MY DAD BELIEVES IN FREE ENTERPRISE, ABOLITION OF THE PROGRESSIVE INCOME TAX, AND RIGHT TO WORK”
The Dallas newspaper Park Cities People held a Father’s Day contest for kids to write in telling why they loved their father. Second place went to a letter that began, “My dad is the best dad, because he makes money.”
THIS IS HOUSTON
MOMMY, WHY IS THE SWIMMING POOL BLACK?
Houston city officials and the Davis Oil Company reached an agreement to drill for oil in the city’s Herman Brown Park.
THEN THEY THREW HER IN THE BAYOU
Houston police officer R. B. Springer pressed an assault charge against a rape victim who had gouged his hand with her fingernails after he found her screaming in a ransacked apartment. Judge Jimmie Duncan fined her $150, plus $65 in court costs.
THE OTHER 59 PER CENT WERE WRONG
PBS radio reported that when the residents of Houston were asked in a poll to name the citizen they most admired, 41 per cent couldn’t name anyone.
SOLD, TO JACKIE SHERRILL
A Houston security company offered for sale the Shah of Iran’s 1979 Cadillac, bulletproofed and loaded with anti-terrorist and anti-kidnap devices, for $118,000. The extras included a built-in surveillance system, a remote starting system in case the ignition sets off a bomb, tear gas, a telephone with debugging and scrambling systems, and an oil slick sprayer.
SPEAK NOW, OR FOREVER HOLD YOUR PEACE
A Houston motorist became irate when two newlyweds in a car with ”Just Married” painted on it lingered at a stop sign for a kiss in front of his pickup. After the pair started up again, the motorist headed them off, jumped out of the pickup, accosted the couple, and wounded the groom with a knife.
BUM STEERS GIFT GUIDE
For the man or woman who has nothing:
• A six-pack of Clyde’s Chili With Beans from Britches in Washington, D. C., $22 postpaid
• A religious record album titled Little Big Lunch, by Sonny Salsbury
• A book called The Best Dallas Strippers
• For $1, a genuine 1978 Dolph Briscoe for governor lunch pail
• A book titled Purt’ Near 100 Uses for a Texas Cow Chip
• An empty bottle of Genuine Texas Hot Air
• “The Men of Texas,” a beefcake calendar of UT males
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