1985 Bum Steer Awards
(Page 3 of 3)
THESE ARE THE VOYAGES OF THE STARSHIP FREE ENTERPRISE, WHOSE FIVE-YEAR MISSION IS TO EXPLORE STRANGE NEW COUNTIES
After calling county records clerks across the country to see if anyone would accept his claim to mining rights on fifty asteroids and planets, Thomas Budnick of Massachusetts filed his claims at the Sabine County courthouse in Hemphill.
READY . . . AIM . . . TOOT
The Texas A&M alumni band association went to court in an effort to keep women out of the Aggie band, arguing that an all-male band was justified by “preparation of cadets to become officers in the military service of the U.S. for the defense of this nation.”
EVEN MORE AMAZING, THE WORLD’S SHORTEST MEMORY
The midway at the Texas State Fair in Dallas featured little Ruby Sadler, “the world’s smallest woman,” and, two booths away, Little Barbara Bennett, “the world’s smallest woman.”
THEY DIDN’T HAVE THE MUSIC TO “LA CUCARACHA”
Mexican consul general Javier Escobar y Cordova protested to Olympic authorities because the Olympic band, in a salute to cities that had hosted previous fames, honored Mexico City by playing “Granada.”
JOSÉ, CAN YOU SEE?
The media sheet for the Diez y Seis de Septiembre concert by the San Antonio Symphony Orchestra listed Francis Scott Key as the composer of the “Mexican National Anthem” and Jaime Texidor as the composer of “The Star-Spangled Banner.”
BIG DEAL. THERE WERE TWO BABIES RUNNING FOR THE U.S. SENATE
Eleven-year-old Brian Zimmerman defeated two adults in an election to determine the mayor of Crabb.
BUM DEER AWARD
A young buck deer in Liberty Hill had to be tranquilized and taken back to the woods after he jumped on the back of one woman and made menacing moves toward another.
YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE JEWISH TO LOVE TEXARKANA
An inmate at the Texarkana Federal Correction Institution sued prison officials who closed the kosher kitchen after determining that none of the ten inmates in the kosher food program were Jewish.
RE: BREW HA-HA. ISSUE: SAME OLD GRIND. RULING: NO MORE PERKS.
One thousand union employees at the IRS center in Austin signed protest petitions after the director of the center, citing the “country club atmosphere,” ordered the removal of 120 coffeepots.
GIVE US YOUR TIRED, YOUR HUNGRY, YOUR WARM-BLOODED
After the first cold front of the season caused temperatures to plummet in Plainview, five illegal aliens carrying suitcases and duffel bags walked into the Hale County jail, said they were cold, and asked to be sent home to Mexico.
AN OFFICER AND A JERK, PART II
Bexar County sheriff Joe Neaves proposed that citizens be allowed to carry concealed weapons in order to reduce street crime.
LIE DOWN. ROLL OVER. THROW UP.
Petland in Arlington sponsored a Pupsi Challenge to test a new soft drink for dogs called K-9 Kola. After most dogs refused to taste the drink, their owners resorted to pouring the cola on their own fingers and sticking them in their pets’ mouths.
IN THESE TIMES OF REDUCED SOCIAL PROGRAMS, EVERYBODY HAS TO MAKE SOME SACRIFICES
After weeks of debate, planners of the Republican convention decided not to try to break the world record for the number of balloons released at one time.
ANOTHER GOOD SPOT MIGHT BE YOUR SENATE OFFICE, PHIL
While campaigning for the U.S. Senate, Phil Gramm suggested that Boston would be an ideal place for a nuclear waste disposal site because the waste must be dumped in an area where there is “no production or human activity of any great or high importance that would be disrupted.”
IF WE DON’T STOP THEM HERE, THE MCNAY ART INSTITUTE WILL BE NEXT
San Antonio city councilman Bernardo Eureste tried unsuccessfully to eliminate the city funding of the Guadalupe Cultural Arts Center, charging that it had been taken over by communist sympathizers who have ties to “an international cause centered in Cuba.”
STEALERS 6, OILERS 0
Jim Whitworth parked his car in downtown Houston and left two Houston Oilers tickets under the windshield wiper for anyone to take. When he returned, under the windshield wiper were four more Oilers tickets.
THAT’S PAR FOR THE COURSE
The Austin American-Statesman published an article and a photograph about the death of golf pro Jimmy Demaret. First the paper mistakenly used a picture of golfer Gene Sarazen instead of Demaret. Then, informed of its error by readers, the paper in its second edition replaced the picture of Sarazen with one of the father of Austin golfer Ben Crenshaw.
A REALLY GOOD TAMALE PIE IS HARD TO PASS UP
Elgin Petty of Terrell, who buys waste food from Dallas schools to feed to his pigs, was victimized by thieves who stole fifty gallons at knifepoint.
QUIET, PLEASE
The Rusk County Historical Commission announced plans to acquire and refurbish a 1908 outhouse and move it to the grounds of the county library in Henderson.
FAMOUS LOST WORDS
• New York mayor Ed Koch, in an address to a group of Houston businessmen, proudly pointed out his new black lizard-skin “ten-gallon boots.”
• Bexar County judge Leo Mendoza, on employee pay raises: “Most of the departments have asked for ten per cent, and it’s my opinion we can give them half, which is six per cent.”
• TCU wide receiver James Maness, on catching a 99-yard touchdown pass, the longest in Southwest Conference history: “This record is going to be hard to break.”
• Ronald Reagan, in a taped address to the Cattle Barons Ball in Dallas: “I’m delighted to have this opportunity to speak before the Washington Charity Dinner of 1984.”
THE YEAR OF THE SNAKE
CRIMESTOPPERS TEXTBOOK #295: DIAMONDBACK MEASURING STICKS CAN DETER REPEAT OFFENDERS
A thief stole a toolbox from Rickie Scheffel’s pickup truck in New Braunfels, unaware that just moments before, Scheffel had caught a rattlesnake and dropped it into the toolbox.
NEXT TIME, WHEN I SAY RAREBIT, I MEAN RAREBIT
After eating a five-pound rabbit, a fourteen-foot python named Wally went into a frenzy, broke loose from his cage in San Antonio, attacked his owner, Larry Butler, and had to be pried loose from Butler’s neck.
FOR ALL YOU DO, THIS BOA’S FOR YOU
Three robbers entered a 7-Eleven store in Bedford, threw a three-foot snake at the attendant, and escaped with three twelve-packs of beer while the attendant was wrestling with the snake.
ISN’T ONE ENOUGH?
Harris County commissioner Jim Fonteno hired former Houston police chief Carrol Lynn, who had recently been paroled from a twelve-year sentence for extortion and other crimes, as a security consultant. Fonteno asked Lynn to investigate using snakes to protect county facilities.
SO THAT’S WHY THEY DON’T WANT YOU TO TOUCH THE ANIMALS
After a visitor questioned why the coral snake in the Houston zoo had not moved for nine months, zoo officials confessed that the snake was made of rubber.
CAN YOU BLAME IT?
Mrs. Robert Fields of San Angelo discovered a two-and-a-half-foot diamondback rattlesnake trying to get out of the bowl of her toilet.
THE BUM STEERS COLLECTION
IT REPLACED THE MAYOR ON MR. BLACKWELL’S WORST-DRESSED LIST
The Whitbear—a limited edition of 25 Cathy Whitmire look-alike teddy bears with Jordache glasses, hazel eyes, business suits, and bow ties, offered by Suzy Stewart and Jo Meredith of Houston for $250 each.
GO TO MORGUE. GO DIRECTLY TO MORGUE
College Days at Texas A&M University, a board game described as “a cross between Monopoly and Life,” based on student life and traditions at A&M, developed and marketed by Aggie alumnus Jon Word of Lubbock.
ANYTHING TO IMPROVE KIDNEY PIE
Genuine Texas mesquite, available from Harrod’s of London, supplied by Dallas oilmen Jeff Bentley and Jim Creasey.
COMING SOON: AFTERNOON IN LEVELLAND
Evening in Amarillo, a designer fragrance men’s cologne, available from Royal Mail Lines of Fort Worth.
SHE’S MAD TOO, EDDIE
Parties, Parties, by Mrs. Eddie Chiles, available through “The Dallas Collection,” a catalog prepared to benefit the Republican convention.
DON’T SHOOT UNTIL YOU SEE THE WHITES OF THEIR THIGHS
“Cop Cakes,” a calendar featuring photographs of bare-chested policemen, published by three Fort Worth police officers.
WRETCHED EXCESS
• Denton County millionaire rancher Rex Cauble, convicted on racketeering charges in 1982, arrived at federal prison in Big Spring on his own private jet.
• Houston architect and developer Cerf Ross bought Mar-a-Lago, the 18.5-acre Palm Beach estate of the late cereal heiress Marjorie Merriweather Post, for $16 million, the highest price ever paid for a home in the U.S.
• Mesquite school superintendent Ralph Poteet defended the paddling of thirty elementary school students who had not brought watercolors to art class as necessary to “a proper environment in this district for learning.”
• The Vineyard on Lake Travis is spending $1.75 million for the gates to the subdivision, which will be 17 feet high and 36 feet wide, have 2500 individually carved grapes, and require thirteen carvers to work 40,000 hours.
• Dallas wine merchant Tony La Barba and Austin restaurateur Gaylan Stroth paid the highest price ever for a bottle of wine, $38,000 for a jeroboam of 1870 Mouton Rothschild.
• CoSandra Williams of Beaumont named her daughter Rhoshandiatellyneshiaunnevshenkescianneshiamondrischlyndasaccar
naerenquellenendrasamecashaunettethalemeicoleshiwhalhinive
’onchellechaundenesheaalalusondrilynnejeanetrimyranae
kuesaundrilynnezekeriakenvaunetradevonneyavondalatarneskcae
vontaepreonkeineseellaviavelzadawnefriendsettajessicanneles
ciajoyvaelloydietteyvettsparklenesceaundrieaquenttaekatilyae
vea’shawneoraliaevaekizzieshiyjuanewandalecciannerenay
eitheliapreciousnescevreeroneccaloveliatyronevekacarrionnehen
riettaescecleonpatrarutheliacharsalynnmeokcamonaeloiesalynnec
siannemerciadellesciacustillaparissalondonveshadenequamonecaa
lexetiozetiaquaniaenglaundneshiafrancethosharomeshaunnehawain
eakowethauandavernellchishankcarlinaaddoneillesciachristondraf
awndrealaotrelleoctavionmeniariasarahtashabnequckagailenaxetes
hiataharadaponsadloriakoentescacraigneckadellanierstellavonnem
yiatangoneshiadiannacorvettinagodtawndrashirlenescekilokoneyas
harrontannamyantonia’aquinettesequioadaurilessiaquatanda
merceddiamaebellecescajameshauwnneltomecapolotwoajohnyaetheodora Koyaanisqatsoiuthawyhaiashieakhauwnne Williams.
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