The 1986 Bum Steer Awards
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• Muse Air, commuter airline. After losing $17 million in 1984, gave up its long struggle against its hated competitor, Southwest Airlines. Merged with—guess who?—Southwest Airlines.
THE OTHER EIGHT HAD “TEENIE WEENIE HIT”
Twelve of the twenty members of the San Antonio Police Department SWAT team were forced to remove or alter tattoos that displayed the phrase “Total Hit” between lightning bolts.
HE HAS A DREAM, HE HAS A DREAM. GREAT GOD ALMIGHTY, HE HAS A DREAM
State senator Craig Washington of Houston proposed legislation to combine holidays honoring Martin Luther King Jr., and Confederate war heroes.
THANKS FOR THE ADVICE, BUT WE'D RATHER PAY
The Texas Bar Journal, the official publication of the State Bar of Texas, published an article by Robert Jorrie and Mason Stanley entitled “The Tax Advantages of Lingering Death.”
AFTER YOU, BERNIE
Bernard Roth, a physics graduate student of the University of Texas, asked the student senate to hold a referendum to determine whether the university should provide suicide pills in the event of nuclear war.
NEXT TIME TRY LEAVING IT ON THE STREET WITH THE KEYS IN THE IGNITION
Ronald and Deloris Harper of Milano pleaded guilty to burying their 1979 Mustang in their back yard and reporting it stolen in a scheme to collect insurance. Milam County officials said the Harpers didn’t dig the hole deep enough and had to knock the top in with a sledgehammer in order to cover the car with dirt.
WE LIKE THE SCENE WITH THE MEGABYTES
Southwest Motion Pictures Company of Dallas filmed a movie in Galveston, starring Houston actors Hank Amigo and Andre Chimene, called Computer Beach Party.
THOSE WHO CAN'T . . .
In a nationwide comparison of high school students who want to become teachers, the SAT scores of Texans ranked forty-seventh.
ALFRED, YOU'RE GETTING TOO INVOLVED IN YOUR WORK
Alfred Castellano, chairman of the San Antonio Policemen and Firemen’s Civil Service Commission, was found guilty of arson.
DAVY CROCKETT DIED FOR . . .
Dallas hairdresser Wayne Towsley, who created this star-studded hair sculpture as a salute to Texas’ 150th birthday. (PICTURE)
FUN COUPLES
• Congressman Charlie Wilson of Lufkin and Washington lobbyist Annelise Ilschenko. They inspected the U.S.S. Saratoga after Wilson told the Navy that she was a member of his staff.
• Houston mayor Kathy Whitmire and her frequent companion, New York painter John Alexander. “She is a fun-loving, interesting, very personable woman,” he told a reporter.
• Attorney General Jim Mattox and Ernie, the Safeway super-chicken. They paraded down Austin’s Congress Avenue as part of Mattox’s publicity campaign to enforce child support payments.
• Dallas developer Ward Hunt and Princess Michael of Kent, wife of Queen Elizabeth’s first cousin. They were romantically linked by Rupert Murdoch’s British weekly, News of the World.
THEY DIDN'T LIKE THE NEW COKE EITHER
A fight broke out in an Austin supermarket when a Coca-Cola salesman discovered two Pepsi employees dismantling a Coke display.
BONNER’S? YOU KNOW, THE BAR WHERE JANET COOK, ROSIE RUIZ, CLIFFORD IRVING, AND PINOCCHIO ALL HANG OUT
Chicago Sun-Times reporter Wade Roberts wrote an article about watching the Chicago Bears-Dallas Cowboys football game from Bonner’s Bar in Eden. After publication, Sun-Times editors began to suspect it was a hoax, but Roberts insisted the story was true, accompanied an editor to Texas, and spent two days searching fruitlessly for Bonner’s, whereupon he was fired.
JUST ONE CONDITION. KING'S X ON THE SIXTH COMMANDMENT
Serial murderer Henry Lee Lucas was baptized in the chapel of the El Paso County jail.
TAKE THAT, CASPAR WEINBERGER
Former U.S. senator John Tower was named to the Fashion Foundation of America’s best-dressed list.
WHAT’S THE MANTA? IT WAS JUST A FLUKE THAT THEY LANDED ON YOUR PLAICE. YOU CAN CACHALOT IF YOU’LL QUIT FLOUNDERING AROUND AND PIKE THEM UP. FINDERS KIPPERS. TOO BAD THAT ONE LANDED ON YOUR PORBEAGLE, BUT IT WAS AN ACT OF COD
Thirty-four fish fell out of the sky in Fort Worth and landed in Louis Castorano’s back yard.
BUM STEER MENU
WITH SIX YOU GET TACO
Fajitas, prepared in Dallas by experts in Southwestern cuisine and served to Julia Child, reminded her of Peking duck and mooshi pork. “It’s just like being in China,” said her husband.
WHERE IS JIMMY DEAN WHEN YOU NEED HIM?
Catfish sausage, available in a marketing test in Dallas, prepared by Delta Industries in Jackson, Mississippi. If the sausages are successful, products to follow include “cat dogs” and “corn cats.”
SURF 'N' BURP
Lobster fajitas—fresh Maine lobster grilled with an Italian sweet pepper sauce or a basil aioli and wrapped in a flour tortilla—prepared by Tony’s restaurant in Houston.
EAT YOUR HEART OUT, TONY
Chicken-fried lobster, an exclusive of the Tyler Petroleum Club.
OKAY. SO YOU FINALLY MADE IT TO THE COTTON BOWL. ENOUGH'S ENOUGH
Cotton-fried chicken and cottonseed-stuffed fish, two of the recipes in Cottonseed Cookery, a new cookbook published by Texas A&M.
IT MUST HAVE BEEN A LEMON CAKE WITH CHOCOLATE ISOTOPING
For dessert, a wedding cake in the shape of the South Texas Nuclear Plant, the groom’s employer, served at the wedding of Ruth Peggy Muras and Alvin Charles Steffek in Praha.
REVOLUTIONARY! NEEDS NO MATCHES OR CHARCOAL!
For preparing the Bum Steer menu, there’s nothing like the Haul a Drum barbecue pit, made in Houston from barrels that the Environmental Protection Agency found had previously contained chemical wastes.
BUM STEER GIFT GUIDE
LET'S DON'T
T-shirts featuring knives from the movie Commando, available from knifemaker Jack Crain of Weatherford. Along with the knives, the shirt displays the words “Let’s Party Commando.”
OR WAS IT “SEX—IT’S BORING” AND “POLITICS—ESPECIALLY IF YOU’VE DONE IT”?
Rush: A Girl’s Guide to Sorority Success, written by Margaret Ann Rose of Austin, a former rush captain of Zeta Tau Alpha at UT. The book offers hints on how to avoid inappropriate clothes (“tight and revealing”) or topics of conversation (“Sex—especially if you’ve done It” and “Politics—it’s boring”).
WILLIE AND WAYLON KEPT THE MINERAL RIGHTS
A square foot of Luckenbach, along with a deed and membership in the Footlier Society, available from P.A.D. Enterprises in San Antonio for $24.95.
WE’RE HOLDING OUT FOR DYNASTY’S GREATEST HITS
A country-western music album from Lorimar productions called Dallas: The Music Story featuring Steve Kanaly (Ray Krebbs) singing “Who Killed Jock Ewing?”, Howard Keel (Clayton Farlow) singing “J.R.! Who Do You Think You Are?” And other songs bearing subtitles such as “The Ewing/Barnes Legacy” and “J.R.’s Lament.”
COMING NEXT: HYSTERECTOMY EARRINGS
Anatomically accurate heart bypass pins in fourteen-karat gold, showing the actual placement of the bypass arteries, designed by Michael Taterka, Lake Jackson.
O BURY IT NOW ON SILICON PRAIRIE
The Texas Cow Chip, a miniature replica of a Texas Longhorn made entirely of electronic components, available from the I-P-E Group, Austin. “The Texas Cow Chip is perfect for the would-be cowpoke who wouldn’t know which end of a dogie to punch.”
SO THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT TOILET WATER
A bottle of Cow Chip cologne, offered by DMA Inc. in Bedford.
A RECREATIONAL BLAST! PICNIC LAUNCHES, GREAT FISSION, AND MILES OF NIKE ‘N’ BIKE TRAILS
A former Nike Hercules nuclear missile base near Fort Worth, owned by Fred Cowan of Dallas, for sale for $1.5 million. The base sleeps 140 people. Missiles not included.
I SEE BY YOUR SPLIT ENDS THAT YOU MUST BE A GEMINI
A personal horoscope reading by astrologer Frederick Davies along with an autographed copy of his book, The Astrology of Wealth, plus shampoo, conditioning, and styling, offered by Frost Brothers beauty salon for $39.
EVERYTHING FROM SEXODUS TO THE NUDE TESTAMENT
An X-rated Bible, offered by Madalyn Murray O’Hair’s American Atheist Press in Austin in an attempt to “expose obscenity in Christendom’s most holy work.”
HE SAVES HIS BLOW DRYER FOR BANK JOBS
Terry Lee Birdow, Jr., of Tyler demanded money from a grocery store clerk while brandishing a comb. The clerk walked out of the store, held the door shut, and told a passerby to call the police.
FOUR SMALL PROBLEMS SOLVED, ONE LARGE PROBLEM CREATED
A group of Port Arthur businessmen started a movement to combine Port Arthur, Port Neches, Groves, and Nederland into a single new city called Spindletop.
“DUH . . .”
Baylor football coach Grant Teaff, in a press conference following his team’s 21-14 victory over SMU, said, “I knew if we had the lead last in the game, we wouldn’t lose.”
NO PASS, NO PLAY
Dennis Shannon resigned from his job as a math teacher in Fort Worth after school officials said he had sold grades for prices ranging from $50 for a 75 to $75 for a 91.
DON’T STAND UP WHEN IT PLAYS “LA MARSEILLAISE”
San Antonio is negotiating to become the first American city to lease French-made, coin-operated street corner potties that feature self-cleaning, total automation, and soft music.
HIS CASE DIDN'T HAVE A LEG TO STAND ON
Texas prison inmate Ronald Danford was sentenced to serve five additional years after prison guards, searching him following a five-day furlough, discovered an ounce of marijuana concealed inside his artificial leg.
WELL, HOW ABOUT THROWING IN A BATTLESHIP?
Kay Osterman, general manager of the curio stand loated next to Battleship Texas, bought the entire contents of the battleship’s closed souvenir shop with a sealed bid of $20,000. The next-highest bid was $501.
ACCORDING TO HOUSE RULES, HOWEVER, ONLY WILD BOORS CAN VOTE
State Representative Charles Evans of Hurst arrived at the House chamber to find his seat occupied by the head of a wild boar.
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