1988 Bum Steer Awards
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Don’t Tell Me, Son—Your Lucky Number Is Zero
When San Antonio burglar David Gaitan pleaded not to be sentenced to seven years in prison because seven was his unlucky number, district judge David Berchelmann, Jr., sentenced Gaitan to eight.
What He Really Meant Is That He Never Impersonated His Starting Quarterback, Warren Somebody
After an altercation in a suburban Buffalo hotel, Houston Oilers general manager Ladd Herzeg admitted to slapping a wedding guest, but “categorically denied that I mooned anyone at anytime, anywhere.”
No Time to Be Soft on Crime
Edward Williams, the materials manager at Jefferson Davis Hospital in Houston, was accused of stealing 79,680 rolls of toilet paper.
Good to the Last Wiggle
Austinite Frank Trevino was ready to dig into a cup of instant soup until he discovered that his cup was writhing with brown worms. When he looked over at his grandson, Raymond, the child’s cup was already empty.
Records Are Made to Be Eaten
Brian Williams says he pulled a thirteen-pound walleye out of Lake Stamford in Haskell County and fileted it without first talking to Parks and Wildlife officials. The state record for walleyes is eleven pounds, six ounces.
It’s 10 p.m. Do You Know Where Your Fudgsicle Is?
Shirley Overton, a mother in Arlington, pleaded with city hall for stricter regulation of ice-cream vendors. Cried she: “You don’t know where that ice cream’s been, where it goes at night.”
Will the Circle Be Unbroken?
A study of U-Haul traffic by Baylor economist Ray Perryman shows a trend of trucks and trailers leaving Dallas for Houston, Houston for Austin—San Antonio, and Austin—San Antonio for Dallas.
The Honeymoons Had to End Sometime
Richard Reyes of Waco went to jail for marrying off his wife to two different illegal aliens, who each paid Reyes $1,000.
YEAR OF THE POPE
On September 13 San Antonio entertained the first pope to ever set foot in Texas, John Paul II. An estimated 300,000 people attended mass at a 144-acre site in northwestern Bexar County, and thousands more lined the streets of San Antonio for several parades. The media covered the events with an almost excruciating thoroughness, but here are some of the headlines you might have missed.
Pontiff Compared To Nauseating Amusement Ride
Claudia Guerra of San Antonio said her peek at the pope was “like waiting an hour to get on Greased Lightning at AstroWorld for a one-minute thrill.”
Failure of the Holy See
Julia Rosenfeld ordered five thousand Popescope periscopes but sold only eighty along the parade route.
Which Way to the Vat-I-Can?
Lines for the portable toilets weren’t so bad, said one potty concessionaire. “After all, this wasn’t any rock concert that goes from sunup to midnight with people slamming down beers.”
Pope Doesn’t Like It Hot—Or Cold
A hungry John Paul II was offered steak, potatoes, and string beans and for dessert, strawberry shortcake and pecan pie. He asked not to be served spicy food or ice.
The Miracle of the Guacamole
“At least fifty people have called me to make reservations for my yard,” said Josephine Rodriquez, whose house is across the plaza from where the pope spoke. “I’m going to make lots of dips and sandwiches and lock the front gate.”
Holy Cowboy
John Paul II was presented with a $3,000 pair of handmade black alligator cowboy boots with a ruby-encrusted papal seal. “The color provides an outlet for different occasions,” said Dan Ponder of the Tony Lama boot company. “The black won’t clash with his red, purple, and white robes.”
Onward, Christian Soldiers
The American Atheists were issued a parade permit for an antipope demonstration but decided against it because President John Murray was afraid of getting “beat up, stoned, or shot.”
Blame It on Immaculate Congestion
The pope “seems the person as close to God as you can be,” said San Antonian Danny Gonzales, who stayed home because of the traffic.
The New Centurions
“It’s kind of ruining our weekend,” said a National Guardsman.
Born With a Silver Slipper in His Mouth
Fashion designer Karl Lagerfeld stood up a crowd of Houston socialites at a Costume Institute benefit, where he was to receive the institute’s first annual Silver Slipper award. “It was poorly organized from the beginning,” he explained by way of excuse. “It was a one-night thing. The flight was canceled for the day. They said I could get another flight; I would be late for Houston, but I could put on my black tie in the pee-pee room of the Atlanta airport. I told them no. I had to be back in Europe the next morning, and there was no Concorde for Paris then. I am not a young, starving musician. I am not a one-night stand. I think it was a little cheap. I like very much the people in Houston, but I will not change in the pee-pee room of the Atlanta airport. I have to have a private jet. I don’t want to hurt the—perhaps these things are okay when you are twenty and in love, but I am Karl Lagerfeld, I am a creative genius, I don’t go home on a cargo flight. Those days are over. I am sorry, but life is life.”
It’s Not Over Till The Spear-Chucker Leaves
During a performance of the Houston Grand Opera’s Abduction From the Seraglio, which was set as a thirties desert romance, tenor Plácido Domingo wandered onto the stage dressed as an Egyptian spear-carrier from Aida, the opera onstage next door.
She Earned Her Title As Head Cheese
To counter disparaging comments about the University of Texas at El Paso, interim president Diana Natalicio designed a series of press releases called “Baloneygrams.”
Good Thing the Civil Defense Guys Weren’t Invited
Three TV weathermen who had predicted clouds and only a slight chance of rain served as grand marshals for the Battle of the Flowers parade in San Antonio. It poured.
One More Vote Than a Dead Man
David Rubio’s vote in favor of $10 million in bonds for Northwest Bexar County road district number four turned the election into a landslide. Rubio is the district’s only resident.
His Payments Were in Arrears
A Bay City woman says she allowed her doctor to spank her repeatedly because he promised her $2,500 for participating in pain research.
While You’re at It, How About Repo’ing the White House?
An IRS employee in Austin set up a computer file indicating that a federal tax lien had been filed against President Ronald Reagan.
What’s It Now? The Eighter from Nacogdoches?
Domino playing in Decatur’s Wise County courthouse is now prohibited.
I’ll Slice the Pork, You Bring the Bread
U.S. senator Lloyd Bentsen announced a plan to invite lobbyists and heads of political action committees to a monthly breakfast meeting—and charge each of them $10,000.
Alamo Lovely This Time of Year; Scores of Texans Slaughtered
Caption for a Houston Chronicle photo of people standing on a dock watching another group of people aboard a boat: “The Island Queen arrives at Allen’s Landing in downtown Houston Saturday afternoon, carrying facsimile members of the Texas Army of old. The arrival of the sternwheeler at the head of the Houston Yacht Club Boat Parade kicked off the Sixth Annual Waterfront Festival, which combined music and history on the banks of Buffalo Bayou. The festival was marred, however, when participants found a body floating in the bayou.”
Not That It Ruined His Reputation
Austin musician Dino Lee, who drives a purple Cadillac, favors wigs and lamé costumes, and calls himself the King of White Trash, was stopped outside the State Motel because police mistook him for a pimp.
And That’s Why Star Wars Will Be Foolproof
The U.S. Army in El Paso, thinking it was selling empty boxes to a Mexican scrap dealer, accidentally allowed 23 fully armed rockets to be transported across the border into Juárez.
Tell Her to Stay Out Of the Basement
Bankrupt Cullen Davis acknowledged that he was so broke that he had to let his maid go, though she continues to do his laundry for free.
Maybe She Was Trying To Turn Herself In
A seventy-year-old Lubbock woman was charged with DWI after she crashed her pickup into a Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission building.
Maybe the Judge Should Reverse the Charges
A man telephoned a Laredo convenience store and ordered the night clerk to put the money in a bag on the counter, lock himself in the bathroom, and count backward from one hundred. When the clerk opened the door, the booty was gone.
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