1988 Bum Steer Awards
The best thing you could say about 1987 is that the stock market crash did little harm to the morale of Texas. Face it, the bull left outta here a long time ago. If 1986 was the year of the bust, then 1987 was the year of the busted. Two Hunt brothers filed for Chapter 11. So did Texaco, no thanks to a hands-off Texas Supreme Court. The feds caught up with savings-and-loan sultan Don Dixon and nabbed Houston wheeler-dealer J. R. McConnell. In Austin, which by year’s end was leading the nation in empty office space, only the bankruptcy lawyers were blowing and going.
Fact is, we’ve been down so long that all we have to export is the Houston Oilers—and they wouldn’t go. Meanwhile we’re being invaded, and not just by bank examiners. Chemical Bank now owns Texas Commerce. A guy named Abboud took over First City. J. C. Penney took over Plano. Whatever’s left will doubtless go to the Australians, Arabs, or Japanese. And by the way, who was that foreigner in the robes and funny hat? We thought the pope visited only the sorriest, most down-and-out places in the world.
Come to think of it, divine intervention was what Texas needed in 1987. Not even if we had enlisted the entire city of Midland, with its proven rescue record, could we have pulled ourselves out of the hole we’d fallen into. No, there was something blocking our way—a mean, sour-faced Bum Steer, personifying everything that went wrong in the year we hit bottom, 1987. His name? Bill Clements, of course.
On his first pass through the public china shop (1979-83), Bill Clements made a fine mess of Texas. Most noteworthy was his role in one of the worst oil spills ever to gunk up the Gulf Coast. Asked on that dark occasion what Texas could do about his crude performance, Governor Clements suggested they “pray for a hurricane.” These days, as Clements puts the finishing stains on the first year of his second term, Texans are praying harder than ever. Here’s a sample of what the guv let slip this time.
• Ponygate, Chapter I. A Dallas TV station reported that while Clements was chairman of the SMU board of governors he approved illicit payments to football players.
• Ponygate, Chapter II. When reporters accused him of being less than truthful in his discussions with the NCAA, Clements insisted that he hadn’t lied—because there was no Bible present.
• Ponygate, Chapter III. A committee of Methodist bishops reported that after Clements and his fellow SMU governors pulled off the play-for-pay scam, they attempted to cover up their misdeeds.
• Having campaigned on an anti-tax platform and boasting a “secret” economic plan, Clements urged the Legislature to make temporary gasoline and sales taxes permanent.
• After promising to veto a tax increase, Clements hemmed, hawed, double-clutched, then allowed a hike of $4.8 billion.
• Clements told the Amarillo Daily News that the FSLIC would not stand behind Texas savings and loans, thereby risking a run on the state’s thrift institutions.
• Clements asked Joe Madrigal, the state’s director of Hispanic and Latin American affairs, to act as his translator on a junket to Mexico, unaware that Madrigal does not speak Spanish.
• In response to a letter from the Texas Alliance for the Mentally Ill, Clements promised to do everything he could to help the mentally retarded.
• Eager to win the federal supercollider laboratory for Texas, Clements challenged the governor of Illinois to an Indian wrestling match.
• In the middle of a ceremony to honor the blind, Clements ordered a young boy to kick a Capitol reporter in the shins.
• And not surprisingly, by autumn Clements had earned a negative performance rating from 72 percent of the state’s voters.
Soon to Be Retitled, Geraldo Rivera: Dope of a Nation
In a live segment of Geraldo Rivera’s news show, American Vice: The Doping of a Nation, a camera crew accompanied the police on a raid of a Channel-view duplex, where, according to Rivera’s background commentary, “an alleged pimp and prostitute—a dude and his lady, real pros—are supplying truckers speed.” Cops and camera then burst into the house to find a lone woman in shirt and shorts painting the walls.
He Paid His Bail in Sand Dollars
Lang Nguyen was charged with attempted murder after attacking a Corpus Christi store clerk with a conch shell.
The Road to Jail Is Paved With Good Intentions
Harris County commissioner Bob Eckels was convicted of illegally accepting a gift when he allowed a construction company to build his wife a paved road for a wedding present.
That’s How You Shoot A Hole in One
Austin Parks and Recreation director Charles Jordan suggested that the way to prevent robberies on city golf courses is for police officers “to play for free when they’re off duty.”
Gig ’Em
A bill by State Senator Craig Washington to regulate vasectomies included a special exemption that would allow the operation to be performed on men who have attended Texas A&M.
Just Say Noink
Big Priscilla, the pig who became a hero three years ago after rescuing a child from drowning in Lake Somerville, swelled to 1,100 pounds and became addicted to morning glory vine.
That Many?
Jim and Tammy Bakker canceled their “Farewell for Now” concert at Houston’s 16,000-seat Summit arena because only ninety people bought tickets.
Rock of Ages Clipped From Thee
Bruce Williams and Christine Ward of the Abilene area were arrested after posing as mourners to steal jewelry from bodies at funeral homes.
Give Him an A in Biology
Valedictorian Mike Woosley was suspended from Kingwood High School for hiring a stripper to visit his physics class.
So Far She Hasn’t Noticed Any Sudden Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes In Her Health
Wanda Nichols of Dallas accused rock star David Bowie of sexually assaulting her and demanded that he take an AIDS test.
As Buddy Holly He Might Have Pulled It Off
A man billing himself as Dick Dodd, the leader of sixties rock band the Standells, appeared onstage at an Austin nightclub—unaware that the real Dick Dodd was there.
Sho’nuff
Dallas’ Buddy magazine refused to refer to the Deep Ellum section of Dallas by its real name because “it’s terribly racist, even if the ‘chilluns’ on the street have never thought about it.”
Money They Could Have Spent On a Bridge in Brooklyn
The Dallas Museum of Art acknowledged that three Mexican sculptures believed to date from A.D. 600 to 900 and valued at nearly $200,000 actually had been mass-produced in the fifties and are worth less than $20 each.
He Was in a Full Upright Position for Landing
A newlywed couple was put off their honeymoon flight in Houston after a passenger complained that the groom was kissing his bride’s bare breast.
Caution: Owner in Trunk
LaVerie Williams of Beaumont, eager to test the size of the trunk of her new car, had family members shut her inside—with the key clutched in her hand.
Hizzoner Was Brain Dead On Arrival
Houston municipal judge Felix Stanley, upset because an ambulance had taken his parking place, blocked access to the emergency vehicle, which prevented paramedics from unloading a stretcher needed to evacuate a sick employee.
Coming Soon: Horse-Drawn Lowriders
A press release from Texas A&M stated that the Amish may ultimately replace illegal Mexican labor in Texas.
Could Sex Be Next?
A new law in Anson allowed dancing for the first time since 1933.
Why Rodeo Will Never Be a Big Sport on the Bayou
Hazel Farrill of Houston discovered an eight-foot 230-pound alligator in her driveway. “He was a pretty nice feller,” she said, “until they roped him.”
Didn’t Your Mama Teach You Anything?
Rule number eight in Brazos Bend State Park’s guide to alligator etiquette: “When an alligator stands its ground, opens its mouth, and hisses, you have come too close.”
He Should Have Worn a Mask
A part-time baggage handler in Houston was arrested for stealing $20,000 in costumes, holsters, pistols, and silver bullets from Clayton “The Lone Ranger” Moore.
Here’s to Firmer Relationships
Robert West, the chairman of the board of Tesoro Petroleum, testified that he authorized hiring a $3,000 prostitute for the finance minister of Trinidad.
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