1989 Bum Steer Awards!
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Being of Unsound Mind
Southfork Ranch owner Terry Trippet opened the Dallas memorabilia museum at the ranch house, featuring such classic items from the television series as Sue Ellen’s bathing suit, Miss Ellie’s fine china and crystal, the gun Kristin used to shoot J.R., and Jock Ewing’s last will and testament.
Wanted: Big Mama, Broad Pelvis
In a $9 million lawsuit for breach of promise of marriage, Lita Spencer accused Akeem Olajuwon of the Houston Rockets of leaving her for a taller woman more likely to bear tall sons.
First NCNB and Now This
Researchers in North Carolina discovered that when they put male cowbirds from North Carolina with female cowbirds from Texas, the North Carolina birds started singing songs that had previously been sung only by Texas males.
The Corpses Had Been Illia. Life Is a Femoral. Then the Doc Had A Haunch. Tibia or Not Tibia? He Decided to Stirrup Trouble. Operating With His Hammer and Scapula, He Coccyx Bones and Covered Up With Adhesive Stapes. After a While, It Got To Be Zygomatic. If Caught, He Vowed to Patella Fibula. But Investigators Worked at a Femur Pitch. As Always, They Got Their Mandible. He Got a Sternum Lecture About Robbing Carpus. Please, Talus More. No, That’s The End of Our Humerus Story
Dr. Vincent DiMaio, the chief medical examiner for Bexar County, admitted to earning at least $50,000 since 1983 by harvesting bones from corpses and selling them to the Bone Bank Foundation of San Antonio.
Monty Wants One
Suzann Madeley of Austin knitted a fourteen-foot sweater for Babushka, Gullett Elementary School’s Burmese python.
His Work Shows the Influence Of Rubuns, Butticello, and Picasso
Artist Krandel Lee Newton of Dallas set up an easel on a West End corner and began sketching the posteriors of passers-by.
He Should Have Played “You’re No Good”
Following a disputed call by Texas League umpire Brian Owen, the announcer for the El Paso Diablos baseball team began playing a tape of “When Will I Be Loved,” which begins, “I’ve been cheated, been mistreated.” Owen kicked the announcer out of the press box.
Or With Stern in Corpus
Stern Feinberg, Jr., the manager of the Best Western Sandy Shores in Corpus Christi, sent promotional maps of Texas to prospective visitors with the message, “Without a good map you might wander aimlessly around the state and something awful happen to you, like ending up in Wichita Falls.”
Just Give Us The Poop on Who Won
Mary Valenzuela of Anthony, New Mexico, won $191.90 playing cow-chip bingo in a fundraiser for the El Paso Andress High School band. Contest organizers matched contestants’ names with patches of turf on a football field; then they borrowed two cows and turned the cows loose on the field.
Dumb Yankee. Hasn’t He Eaten Jalapeño Cornbread Dressing?
Members of the Mission Trail Association of El Paso said that the first Thanksgiving dinner was actually held by Spanish explorers near El Paso on April 30, 1598—23 years before the Pilgrims’ first Thanksgiving in 1621. Massachusetts historian Jim Cyphers responded, “The tradition of 1598 didn’t go anywhere.”
WILLIE! HITTING THE WRONG NOTES
Actually He’s Being More of a Turkey
After Willie Nelson’s managers canceled a concert in Belfast, Northern Ireland, because the risk of violence was too great, the Ulster News Letter ran a page-one headline, WILLIE NELSON CHICKENS OUT.
The Place Was Full of Protestants And Catholics, and Nothing Happened
Saying that he hadn’t been consulted about his managers’ cancellation of his Belfast concert, Nelson ordered the concert rescheduled. “I’m not afraid to play anywhere,” he said. “We played at Big G’s in Round Rock.”
We’re Worried Too
Baylor University president Herbert Reynolds canceled an on-campus Willie Nelson benefit concert, citing “concern for the health and well-being of the American people.”
But Will He Respect You in the Morning?
Playgirl magazine ranked Willie Nelson first on its list of the ten sexiest country-western singers. Said the magazine: “Those braids just beg to be unbraided.”
BUY NOW! BUM STEER GIFT GUIDE
Earrings in the shape of packaged condoms, marketed by Marsha Malgesini and designed by Patricia Jackson of Austin.
Rubber Ducky, a condom collection marketed by Steve Finley of Irving. Available in five colors.
Puttin’ on the Pooch, a line of upscale jewelry for pets that includes Doggie Dangle pendants, Paw Cuff bracelets, and Bowser Bow hair ornaments, all designed by Liza Lee of Dallas.
Dog shampoo and coat conditioners, made by Snooty Scents of Houston. The company claims its products smell like Obsession, Giorgio, Polo, and Aramis.
Ptisenbon, a perfume for infants selling for $30 a bottle, available at Neiman Marcus.
Tanna the Cat, a collection of songs (“Tanna the Famous Cat,” “Tanna Loves Tuna,” “Inside or Out, What’s It Gonna Be?” “A World Without Kittens” and more) on LP, cassette, or compact disc, available from Big Y Productions in Dallas.
Two Beef Tacos and a Green Card to Go, por favor
To push the amnesty program for illegal aliens, the U.S. Immigration and Naturalization Service promoted “Amnistia,” a song in Spanish by INS official Art Zuniga of Harlingen, and placed fact sheets in tortilla packages.
But She Looks So Innocent
Charles McGuire of Houston, the president of a construction supply company, claimed that he was targeted in a price-fixing investigation because he is a transvestite who lives much of his life as Kathryn McGuire.
They Were Picked Up At Their Podiatrist’s
Four inmates escaped from the new $69 million Bexar County jail by cutting a wire-mesh fence with toenail clippers.
Some People Will Do Anything to Get Elected
Phillip Dougharty defeated Joe Fisette, Jr., in a race for constable of Jasper County, Precinct 6, in the Democratic primary on March 6, one week after he died. Fisette attributed his loss to the sympathy vote.
She Couldn’t Kick the Habit
Steve Woolverton of Port Isabel won a $1.5 million judgment against Sister Mary Kregar and the Catholic Diocese of Brownsville in a suit contending that his marriage was destroyed by a lesbian nun who seduced his wife.
So Long Sucker
An unidentified woman brought her son into Designer’s Eyewear in Corpus Christi and, using disappearing ink, wrote two checks for an examination and eyeglasses.
The Bedrooms Were Already Occupied
A police raid on an Austin nude-modeling studio turned up San Antonio attorney Oliver Heard, candidate for president of the State Bar of Texas. Heard said that he had just stopped in the studio to use the bathroom.
The Rest Could Only Earn Their Master’s
A Houston Independent School District official revealed that up to 25 HISD administrators held doctoral degrees from unaccredited Pacific Western University, which has a “nine-months-to-a-PH.D.” mail-order program.
That’s Texas Monthly, P.O. Box 1569, Austin, Texas
Dallas disc jockey Ron Chapman asked listeners of radio station KVIL-FM to send in $20 but didn’t say why the money was needed or how it would be used. Listeners sent in more than $240,000.
A Kinder, Gentler Nation? Get Behind it
A study by the U.S. Department of Education revealed that Texas leads the nation in spankings of schoolchildren.
Spare the Road and Spoil the Narc
A 25-year-old narcotics officer posing as a student at Mansfield High School was such a discipline problem that school officials paddled him.
Only the Press Is Free
Lyndon Massey, the president of the Dallas Times Herald, paid $229 in restitution after a family member tossed 916 slugs into toll-road baskets.
The World Will Little Note Nor Long Remember
Rancher Tom Garrett of Angleton offered to let Republican political candidates pose with his six-month-old calf. It had a splotch on its side that Garrett said resembled the profile of Abraham Lincoln.
He Couldn’t Make It. He was in Labor
The State Bar of Texas filed disbarment proceedings against Morgan Lamb after Lamb’s nine-months-pregnant wife took the California bar exam while pretending to be her husband.
I See a Big, Throbbing Phone Bill in Your Future
The Houston Independent School District discovered that employees had run up more than $6,000 in telephone calls to hear prerecorded messages about fortune-telling and sex.
And We Say That Getting 15,000 People To Come to Lubbock Is a Miracle
The Reverend Joseph James announced that something miraculous would happen at the St. John Neumann Catholic Church in Lubbock on August 15. On the appointed day, more than 15,000 pilgrims came to the church. They reported seeing such supernatural sights as the Virgin Mary’s face in a cloud that passed over the sun, but a commission of Catholic clergymen later determined that no miracles had occurred.
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