The 1990 Bum Steer Awards
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Take Your Time, Bill
In an effort to persuade Governor Bill Clements to veto a bill that prevented cities with populations under five thousand from operating speed traps, Patton Village police chief Jesse Dave Broussard went on a hunger strike.
If at First You Don’t Succeed, Nuke It
Demolition experts in Fort Worth needed four weeks, including nine unsuccessful attempts using six thousand pounds of dynamite, to bring down a grain elevator.
NOW WE UNDERSTAND
EXCESSIVE EXPLANATIONS
Hop a Flight, Dave, and We’ll Try to Arrange It
David Hanners of the Dallas Morning News, the winner of a Pulitzer prize for following the investigation of an airline disaster from start to finish, on how he felt with the National Transportation Safety Board called at ten-thirty on a Friday night: “I thought, ‘Why can’t these things happen at eleven-thirty a.m. on a Tuesday?’ ”
Think Again
Arnold Alaniz of Azle, testifying to defend himself against charges of capital murder for firing five shots at and wounding a police officer who had pulled him over for driving erratically: “I wasn’t trying to kill anyone. I just wanted the officer to shoot me and thought this was the best way to do it.”
We Hold These Truths to Be Self-Evident, That All Men Are Created Equal, That They Are Endowed by Their Creator With Certain Unalienable Rights, That Among These Are Life, Liberty, And the Pursuit of Water
Janey Briscoe of Uvalde, the wife of former governor Dolph Briscoe, explaining why voters in Uvalde and Medina counties rejected a regional water-conservation plan: “Anyone who owns agricultural land should have the right to drill their own wells. To do otherwise would go against our founding fathers.”
THANKS BUT NO THANKS
A BUM STEERS CATALOG
Cowboy Chow, written by Judy Barbour and published in the shape of a boot, featuring such recipes as Jalapeño Quiche and Margarita Pie.
1,935 condominium units from the Interstate 30 condo scandal, originally developed by accused racketeer Danny Faulkner, offered by the Federal Savings and Loan Insurance Corporation.
Bestsell’r, the James A. Michener game, which tests general knowledge of the world and of the characters in ten Michener novels, including Texas.
That’s the Point I’m Trying to Make, a rap video by Dallas city council members Al Lipscomb and Diane Ragsdale featuring such topics as drugs, crime, racism, rape, and the homeless, from Boss Productions in Dallas for $15
The One Hour Orgasm, written by Bob Schwartz of Houston in collaboration with his wife, Leah.
The original one-thousand-page manuscript of a phony autobiography of Howard Hughes, written by convicted author Clifford Irving, offered at auction by Simpson Galleries in Houston.
Blockaids, a computer game developed by two professors at the University of Texas Health Science Center in Houston that is designed to teach adolescents about the acquired-immune-deficiency syndrome, featuring Blocky and the AIDS Virus, displayed at the Houston Museum of Natural Science.
Jack Ruby’s gun, used to kill Lee Harvey Oswald, for sale for $125,000 by Jules Mayer, executor of Ruby’s estate.
Too Bad. The Cowboys Need Somebody Who Can Catch a Pass
After fourteen Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders resigned in protest, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones backed down from a plan to change cheerleaders’ uniforms to skin-tight biker pants and tank tops and said that cheerleaders would not have to fraternize with the players or make a beer commercial.
Book Him for Assault With Two Pigs in a Blanket
Cisco police chief Billy Rains was held hostage in a gas station rest room by a man claiming to be holding a derringer against his back. The gun turned out to be two sausages covered with a bread wrapper.
But It Was an Easy Mistake to Make
Radio stations KLDE and KFMK of Houston incorrectly reported that singer Glen Campbell had died.
Just Call Me Gus McCrae
A man purporting to be Pulitzer prize-winning author Larry McMurtry visited a Dallas theater, mingled with the cast, and told people that McMurtry was really a pen name.
Every Oenophile Knows the Difference
Six Lubbock-area grape growers protested that Cordier Estates in Fort Stockton was using the name High Plains Cellars to mislead wine buyers into thinking that they were getting wines made from High Plains grapes.
Security Starts at Home
The Federal Bureau of Investigation announced that it was making foreign espionage its number one priority in Houston, where the only espionage indictment in recent years involved secrets given out by an FBI translator.
The Suspect is Shod and Considered Dangerous
The Oregon Court of Appeals ruled that cowboy boots are dangerous weapons.
Now Let’s Do a Chorus of “Jailhouse Rock”
After Charles Klinger and Robert Rice, both of Odessa, pleaded guilty to operating an illegal gambling business, Judge Lucius Bunton asked them to join him in singing “Happy Birthday” to deputy U. S. marshal Gail Boggs.
Better Dead Than Glasnost
After persistent protests by the John Birch Society, proponents withdrew a proposal for the City of Plano to adopt Ordzhonikidze in the Soviet Union as a sister city.
Oh, About Ten Years
A thief who broke into the apartment of Houston Rockets center Chuck Nevitt and stole a championship ring was arrested by the Houston police after he phoned the Rockets, asked how much the ring was worth, and left his telephone number.
Unfortunately, Not One Could Identify Her Face
Police in Richland Hills told the Fort Worth Star-Telegram that the suspect in the robbery of a gas station was a woman with a rose tattoo on her left breast. After the paper published the information, more than three hundred people called the police to say that they knew of such a person.
Guilty
Dallas district court judge Catherine Crier resigned from the bench to become an anchorwoman with Cable News Network.
Save a Buck, Fire a Forester
In a photograph in Forest Farmer, Bruce Miles, the director of the Texas Forest Service, was shown wearing a T-shirt with the slogan “Save a Logger, Eat an Owl.”
Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry
The Austin police department and Travis Country sheriff’s officials apologized for arresting the wrong Sylvester Brown fourteen times.
It Wore Thin
The Houston Tiffany’s, which holds an annual window-design contest to benefit AIDS research, ordered a display dismantled when executives discovered that what appeared to be coins was actually two thousand packaged condoms.
We Bet Tiffany’s Doesn’t Advertise in …
The Paisano, a student newspaper at the University of Texas at San Antonio, which included a condom with each copy on Valentine’s Day.
Size Small
As part of a toy display, a Stop-N-Go store in northwest Houston included crayons, jacks, Silly Putty, and Rubber Ducky condoms.
Sure
Jonny Collins of Dickinson was delayed when taking his date home at two in the morning because an alligator bit his front tire.
Where Is the Joker When You Need Him?
After Houston radio station KLOL-FM passed out too many free tickets to a special screening of Batman, angry ticket holders unable to get into the theater surrounded the station’s promotional van.
My Library
