The 1990 Bum Steer Awards
The first Bum Steer of the year was a big one—1,100 pounds, to be exact. The grand champion steer of the 1988 State Fair of Texas turned out to be bum in January 1989, when its carcass flunked a drug test. It had to be condemned. But it had lots of other Bum Steers for company.
Texas politicians were getting condemned, too. John Tower was rejected as Secretary of Defense. Jim Wright resigned as Speaker of the House. Henry Cisneros abdicated as emperor of San Antonio. The Texas Highway Commission gave up on plans to adorn Texas license plates with the slogan “The Friendship State.” How about “Freeze a Yankee”? And in the state capitol, East Texas chicken magnate Bo Pilgrim waved $10,000 checks at eight state senators during a heated fight over workers’ compensation.
A lot of Texans could have used the money. Preston Smith, for one. He followed John Connally into the Governor’s Mansion twenty years ago, and he followed Connally into bankruptcy last September. MBank followed all those other Texas banks into oblivion. The Astros wouldn’t pay Nolan Ryan, and he followed Interstate 45 to the Rangers. And don’t forget the bankrupt Hunt brothers, Herbert and Bunker. They inherited the fortune of the richest man in the world, H. L. Hunt, and squandered everything but their homesteads and personal possessions.
And the Bum Steer of the Year… who else but our newest corporate resident, Exxon? When the Exxon Valdez ran aground in Prince William Sound, causing the biggest oil spill in history, Exxon was headquartered in New York—beyond the reach of Bum Steers. Then, glory be, the company announced that it was moving into our jurisdiction. So welcome to Texas, fellas. You got here just in time.
They Put a Tiger in Their Tanker
Although Joseph Hazelwood had one DWI conviction and his driver’s license had been suspended twice, Exxon made him the captain of the Exxon Valdez.
Give or Take 240 Years
Exxon and its partners in the seven-company consortium that runs the Alaska pipeline estimated that a Valdez-size oil spill could happen only once every 241 years.
This Must Be the Place
A CBS-TV film crew, shortly after arriving in Fort Worth to report on a robbery, was robbed of a $30,000 camera.
CURIOUS COUPLES NUMBER 1
Donald Trump and Frank Lorenzo confronting each other at a Nellie Connally bash.
He Was Looking for A Short Cut
Carrollton police arrested David James White for bank robbery after he ran into a barbershop during his getaway and got a haircut—even though he is almost bald.
Didn’t You Get Suspicious When The Main Course Was Pork?
One week after Governor Bill Clements urged that agriculture commissioner Jim Hightower be impeached for charging $7,000 in meals to a federal grant program, Clements confessed that he had eaten at one of the luncheons.
Hold the Celery and the Hard-boiled Eggs
Bounty of the Sea, Inc., in Sugar Land, announced that it has developed a hot dog made of tuna.
Oh, Shut Up
After the Senate rejected John Tower’s nomination for Secretary of Defense, New York Times columnist Russell Baker wrote: “Of course it was good to see a Texan booted away from the Federal trough for once. You don’t often get Texas’s snout out of that sweet-smelling, ever-loving, money-packed trough, not with all those key Government offices in Texas custody. Why Texans are uniquely qualified to run the country when they can’t even run a savings and loan association is a mystery, but it is a rare season that doesn’t find them occupying catbird seats all over Washington….”
The Marines Are Looking For a Few Good Saguaros
Relying on a quip by Phil Gramm’s press secretary, the AP erroneously reported that the Texas National Guard had received a grant to fight drug smuggling by disguising its members as cactus plants.
Readin’, Writin’, and . . . What’s The Other One?
Republican gubernatorial candidate Jack Rains issued his ten-point plan to reform education. It contained only nine points.
On Second Thought, He’s Innocent
Wes Hocker of Houston, after serving as the foreman of the jury that found John Charles Zimmerman guilty of capital murder, agreed to serve as Zimmerman’s attorney in a new trial after the conviction was overturned on appeal.
You Know the Old Saying: One Writer, One Ranger
The City of Waco contributed $100,000 to the Texas Ranger Hall of Fame and Museum for a wing that will recognize the work of James Michener.
Some Folks Never Learn
More than four thousand Texans attended two auctions held by the Federal Saving and Loan Insurance Corporation in Dallas, featuring art, furniture, and other assets once purchased by high-flying Texas S&L executives. Buyers paid more than $1.1 million for items valued at no more that $625,000.
They Weren’t Really Bad. There were Just Boared
A pack of about a hundred wild pigs preyed on an area around Lake Lavon, north of Dallas, attacking humans, killing dogs and chickens, destroying gardens, and knocking over barbeque grills and picnic tables.
They’re Both Right
After Bishop Rene Gracida of Corpus Christi saw a Pepsi commercial on MTV featuring Madonna singing “Like a Prayer,” he declared the commercial sacrilegious and urged Catholics not to buy Pepsico products. Madonna’s press agent responded, “He should stop watching MTV.”
CURIOUS COUPLES NUMBER 2
The Quaker Oats Company and Attorney General Jim Mattox sued each other over whether oats help fight cholesterol.
He Campaigned on a Platform Of Raising Test Scores
One month after being elected to the Joshua school board at the age of eighteen, Larry Marlar admitted that he had removed a physics test from a file cabinet and given it to another student in advance.
He Wanted Four Inches and Higher
Harris County criminal court judge Shelly Hancock canceled and rescheduled the DWI trial of Aleene Shoemaker because her skirt’s hemline ended three inches above her knee.
Then They Formed A Committee for Further Study
The Dallas City Council interrupted its normal agenda to discuss why its meetings ran so long. The ensuing debate lasted an hour and a half.
Bring a Friend for Extra Credit
Following an appearance by the Fox Tech High School Band of San Antonio at a campaign rally for Attorney General Jim Mattox, parents of band members complained that students had been warned that fifteen points would be deducted from their grades if they did not perform at the rally.
It Was Raining Bats and Dogs
Hundreds of dead and dying bats fell on pedestrians one afternoon in downtown Fort Worth.
If You Can’t Trust Your Lawyer, Who Can You Trust? Part I
Daniel Madison of Austin, after being turned down for admission to the University of Texas School of Law, filed a $1 billion lawsuit against the law school, the American Bar Association, and the Texas Supreme Court, saying he was “fed up with lawyers running the country.”
Even That Wasn’t Enough
The University of Texas at El Paso football team was penalized for having fourteen men on the field.
They Were Making the Sequel To The Great Train Robbery
An early-morning casting call for Larry McMurtry’s Texasville, the sequel to The Last Picture Show, attracted more than a thousand people in Archer City, virtually the entire adult population. While everyone in town was lined up for the casting session, two men broke into the post office and robbed it.
HAIL TO THE CHIEF A HIT-AND-MISS YEAR
On the Sixth Ballot
The school board in Midland named an elementary school for President George Bush by a 4-3 vote.
He Likes Häagen-Dazs Better Anyway
At President Bush’s request, the chief White House usher asked that Blue Bell Creameries in Brenham not run ads showing a picture of the White House with the words “The only house in Washington that can get Blue Bell ice cream.”
If You Can’t Convince ‘Em, Confuse ‘Em
Six weeks after his inauguration, President Bush was asked at a news conference whether his administration was doing anything. Said he: “A lot is happening, not all of it good, but a lot is happening.”
Just Don’t Call Them the Company
While speaking at an AFL-CIO convention, the president referred to the organization as the AFL-CIA.
Vegetable or Mineral?
While hunting quail near Beeville, the president was asked by reporters how he felt about killing animals. Bush replied, “These aren’t animals.”
First Flood the Tunnels With Boiling Water, Then Pack Them With Amdro
Following the selection of Waxahachie as the location for the underground supercollider, the U.S. Department of Energy revealed that the winning site was infested with fire ants.
Don Dixon Would Have Done It for $500,000. And He Has Experience
Ending a long search for someone to manage the insolvent First RepublicBank, the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation recruited former American Airlines chairman Albert Casey of Dallas and for nine months paid him a salary of $935,491, including a $400,000 signing bonus.
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