The 1991 Bum Steer Awards
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HE GOT RATTLED WHEN HE SAW WHAT WAS INSIDE THE TOILET. “KRAIT SCOTT!” HE SCREAMED. “KING’S X.” THE MORE HE LOOKED, THE ADDER HE GOT. THEN HIS MAMBA CAME TO HIS RESCUE. “YOUR OBEDIENT SERPENT IS HERE,” SHE SAID. “FOR GOODNESS SNAKES, DON’T PYTHON IT. DON’T BE A CORAL TO ANIMALS. NO BULL.” SHE WENT TO VIPER TEARS AWAY AND CALLED THE POLICE. “HEY, COPPERHEAD,” SHE SAID. “GET YOUR ASP OVER HERE.” IT WAS A RACER AGAINST TIME. THE COP CAME IN, SHOUTING, “WHOA, BOA!” BUT HE WAS TOO LATE. WHEN YOU GARTER GO, YOU GARTER GO
Chris Atkinson of League City went to his bathroom in the middle of the night and discovered a boa constrictor coiled in his toilet.
IF THOSE DUMB BIRDS GET NEAR THE RING, BLAST 'EM
RSE, Inc., a Houston oil company, announced plans to dull an exploratory oil well in a marsh located close to a whooping crane wintering grounds in the Aransas National Wildlife Refuge.
TOPLESS OF THE MORNING TO YOU
Appearing on a morning public-access television show, Miranda and Nicki, two female dancers who appear at an Austin topless bar, stripped down to a G-string.
ALL THE NEWS THAT'S MISFIT TO PRINT
When former Houston MTA general manager Alan Kiepper was named the president of the New York City Transit Authority, the New York Times described him as “a native New Yorker transplanted to the arid flatlands of Houston.”
REMEMBER, ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT MICHAEL TRACY
Before an audience of 150 people, including art patrons from Houston and art critics from New York, sculptor Michael Tracy set fire to his work Cruz: La Pasion and floated the burned pyre down the Rio Grande near San Ygnacio to offer a ritual sacrifice to the river.
REMEMBER THE NINETEENTH AMENDMENT!
Praising the acquisition of suffragette Jane Yelvington McCallum’s diaries by the Barker Texas History Center at UT-Austin, Cathy Bonner of the Foundation for Women’s Resources in Austin said, “McCallum is as important to Texas history as Sam Houston.”
THE DEVIL MADE THEM DO IT
Harris County election officials agreed to renumber voting precinct 666 in Deer Park following complaints that the number symbolizes the Antichrist in the Bible.
Take That
A Bum Steers catalog.
ONE PERFECT ROSE, a new perfume created by Georgette Mosbacher, the chairman and CEO of La Prairie, sold in a limited-edition Boehm porcelain bottle for $1,500 an ounce.
101 USES FOR AN EX-WIFE, with such illustrations as “quicksand explorer,” “piñata,” “fire ant hill plug,” and “speed bump,” published by Keel Publications of Austin for $8.95.
“HUSSEIN IS CRAZY,” sung to the tune of “She Drives Me Crazy” (“Hussein is crazy, ooh, ooh/Worse that the 2 Live Crew, ooh, ooh”), composed by Dallas disc jockey Gary D., available at no charge on cassette from MAGIC 102.9-FM.
THE XTRAOUR CLOCK, which works on 25-hour days by having each minute last only 57.6 seconds, available for $59.95 from Circadian Clock Company, Dallas.
BLOOMERS, a complete line of beauty products ($2.50-$10.00) for girls ages five to twelve (emphasizing “protective ingredients such as Vitamin E that nourish, moisturize, and enhance her tiny features”), offered through retailers by Bloomers of Dallas.
HOUSTON FIRE FIGHTERS CALENDAR, with beefcake shots of topless firemen, offered at Stop N Go stores and several Mexican restaurants for $8, but not sold at Randall’s or Kroger’s supermarkets, which refused to carry them.
Trick or Treaty
Great moments in summitry.
AT LEAST IT'S BETTER THAN "HOUSTON'S COOL"
Houston’s official slogan for the Economic Summit of Industrialized Nations was “Houston’s Hot.”
AND MOVED TO THE ASTRODOME
When former Houston resident George Bush learned that the organizers of the Economic Summit had planned for three-hour opening ceremonies to be held outdoors in midsummer, he ordered the event to the shortened to twenty minutes.
THE NOUVEAU RICHE, PUSH-IT-TO-THE-LIMIT ATTITUDE HERE IS SO MUCH BETTER
Comparing Texas’ two leading cities at the Economic Summit in Houston, Vittorio Zucconi of La Repubblica, Italy’s largest newspaper, explained why he found Houston superior: “It has much more class and refinement than Dallas. I’m serious. I hate the nouveau riche, push-it-to-the-limit attitude there.”
IN THE BEGINNING ZERUBBABEL CREATED VEAL OSCAR
When Secretary of State James Baker hosted a dinner party at Tony’s restaurant for foreign dignitaries attending the Economic Summit, a young man wearing blue jeans and a sport shirt penetrated the tight security, entered the private rooms where the party was being held, and handed out a pamphlet called Zerubbabel Rules in God’s Name.
MIGHT WANT TO CHANGE THE NAME OF THE CITY TOO
The Corpus Christi Independent School District sent all principals a memorandum with recommendations from lawyers concerning Christmas programs: “Their best advice is to keep the music as ‘heathen’ as possible.”
DEAR JUDGE: THERE’S NO SUCH THING. THERE’S NO SUCH THING. THERE’S NO SUCH THING. THERE’S NO SUCH THING. THERE’S NO SUCH THING. THERE’S NO SUCH THING . . .
After an argument between two attorneys turned into a shoving match, Houston judge Dan Downey ordered Tom Tarpey and George Neely to submit handwritten two-thousand-word essays on legal professionalism.
TRY THE MCSHEPHERD’S PIE AND THE MCMYSTERY MEAT
Holy Cross High School in San Antonio shut down its cafeteria and replaced it with a McDonald’s restaurant.
DON’T THINK OF THEM AS WEEDS, YOUR HONOR. THINK OF THEM AS WILDFLOWERS
Manual Flores, the host of a garden show on WOAI-AM radio in San Antonio, was issued a citation by the Live Oak police for having an unsightly yard.
NEW FROM THE PHONE COMPANY: MALL FORWARDING
When Susanne Henderson of Waco decided on a whim to pick up a ringing pay phone in a shopping mall, the caller turned out to be her yardman, who had misdialed her home number.
YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO DETOUR THROUGH MISSISSIPPI
The Tennessee chapter of the American Civil Liberties Union charged that sheriff’s official in Memphis singled out cars with Texas license plates to search for drugs.
BETTER YET, CREMATE THEM IN THE BONFIRE
William McKenzie, the chairman of the Texas A&M Board of Regents, proposed that the university establish a one-hundred-acre cemetery for former students, to be known as the Aggie Field of Honor.
FRY HIM
While awaiting a decision on whether he would be retained as Houston Oilers coach, Jerry Glanville said, “It’s sort of like a guy on death row. Does he hope to get another meal, or would he just as soon eat that big burger and go on?”
THEN THEY FILIBUSTERED THE MOTION TO ADJOURN
Unable to agree on what time of day to begin their meetings, the Waco City Council voted on whether to hold a public referendum to decide the issue. The result was a 3-3 tie.
I SWEAR TO SELL THE TRUTH, THE WHOLE TRUTH, AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH
To prove that his campaign commercials were true, Republican state Senate candidate Bill Meier of Hurst held a press conference while hooked up to a lie detector.
IT GOES GREAT WITH TACOS AL PRISON
After paying a Juárez cabdriver $50 for marijuana, two El Paso men discovered that they have received only tumbleweed and oregano. When they reported theft to the Mexican police, they were put under arrest.
PROMISES, PROMISES
Houston businessman Don Holcombe wrote a ballad for George and Barbara Bush and went to the White House to give a private performance of the song, entitled “Read My Lips …I Love You.”
SOME PEOPLE WILL DO ANYTHING TO GET A PICTURE OF THE FAMILY
Joyce Copeland of Lancaster collided with a Dallas Police Department squad car driven by Senior Corporal Joe Copeland, her son.
AVAILABLE IN SHADES OF PURPLE HAZE, MIDNIGHT BLUE, AND BLACKOUT
The Dallas police reported that a woman robbed a man of his car, jewelry, and cash after meeting him at a club, accompanying him to a motel, and kissing him with a knockout drug applied to her lips.
MAKE IT A MILLION, AND YOU'VE GOT A DEAL
In an effort to attract more convention business, the Amarillo Chamber of Commerce offered to donate $1,000 to conventions in Amarillo that have an event canceled because of bad winter weather.
WHEN THIS POLITICIAN SAYS THAT THE TIME HAS COME FOR ACTION, WATCH OUT
The El Paso police confiscated a desk clock in the office of city councilman Jay J. Armes because it was designed to look like a homemade bomb.
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