1992 Bum Steers Awards
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All Dachshund Cats Grow Old. Deerhound, We Are Overcome With Griffon This Sad Day. After All These Years of Cairn Feeding, We Saluki You. May This Not Be Your Lhasa Resting Place Under the Skye; Please Get Apso We Can Shepherd You to Your New Home. A Great Dan Has Dawned and a Newfoundland Waits for You. But Before We Say Chow, Here’s a Pointer About Vets: Remember, They Only Kill Their Mastiffs.
The Texas A&M College of Veterinary Medicine asked the Texas Higher Education Coordinating Board for permission to spend $500,000 in private-gift funds for a rest home for aging, faithful pets.
Operation Dallas Storm
During a U.S. Senate investigation of insurance fraud, Senator Sam Nunn of Georgia attempted to subpoena the records of the Sovereign Cherokee Nation Tejas that involved offshore reinsurance transactions. William Fry and Gary Derer, going by the names of Chief Bear Who Walks Softly and Chief Justice Screaming Eagle, notified President Bush that the attempt to serve a subpoena at the tribes North Dallas headquarters was “tantamount to an invasion by your government of our nation.”
No! No! That’s Not the SAE Shake
The Sigma Alpha Epsilon fraternity house at the University of Houston was closed after a fraternity member became involved in a late-night altercation with a female student and bit her finger off.
But the Aroma of Roasted Chevy Added to the Flavor
A grass fire burned out of control and damaged more than one hundred cars during a menudo cookoff sponsored by the San Antonio Firefighters Association.
The Mother of All Swindles
Secret Service Agents arrested Lewis Driver of Lamesa and Tommy Lee Buckley of Childress for attempting to withdraw $33 billion from the Federal Reserve Bank in Dallas with a note drawn on the bank in the name of Iraqi president Saddam Hussein.
It’ll Make a Great Commercial
After an armed robber at an Amarillo convenience store took $43, he got a beer from the cooler, drank it, then gave the money back and asked the manager to call police.
Bull Street
Black journalist and radio talk show host Bob Ray Sanders of Dallas endorsed ex-Klansman David Duke in the Louisiana governor’s race by saying, “Give me somebody I know I don’t liker rather than a hypocrite who says he’s for me when he’s really not.”
The Movie Was Better
An angry patron left Conner’s Place, a topless nightclub in San Antonio, following an argument with the cashier, and returned wielding a chain saw. Before being subdued by patrons, he sliced through a wooden partition and tried to cut up an eight-foot long table.
All Those Cavities For Nothing
Three inmates in the Hays County jail pleaded guilty to attempting to escape after they were discovered to have made a ladder by braiding hundreds of yards of hoarded dental floss.
Quit Bragging About Your Qualifications And Tell Us Your Position on Crime
Austin mayoral candidate John Johnson called a press conference to reveal that his real name was John Patrick Tully and that he had been a henchman for the Mafia before entering the Federal Witness Protection Program.
The Lawyers Won The Prize
Venus Arias of Houston sued Fiesta Mart for $612,000 after she was struck by two falling piñatas.
Next Time Drive A Mercedes
After Governor Ann Richards criticized college students who oppose tuition increases while driving around in BMWs, UT-Austin student body president Garth Davis organized a Capitol rally to oppose a tuition increase. He drives a BMW.
Perhaps You Would Prefer a Simple Cremation Ceremony
Fifteen minutes before a wake for Tom Butler was to begin at Earl Pruitt’s funeral home in Houston, Butler’s wife, Harriet, discovered that the wrong body was in the casket. The wake was canceled when Pruitt told the family that Butler’s body had already been buried. Pruitt promised to exhume it and bring it to the funeral home chapel the next day. But when the casket was delivered and the family insisted on opening it, another wrong corpse was inside.
You Mean, Roger Thompson Will Go Out of Business Before Dallas Lowers Its Hair
Prominent New York hairstylist Roger Thompson opened a salon in North Dallas and announced that it would not cater to the locally popular style of bleached, lacquered, and teased big hair. Said Thompson’s daughter, Sara, who was running the Dallas salon, “The Dallas ‘do will go out of style before we lower our standards.”
Try 1-911-Willie-O
Willie Nelson appeared on ABC’s Prime Time Live to promote his new album, The IRS Tapes, in order to help pay off his $17 million debt in back taxes. The telephone number to call to order the album, displayed on his T-shirt as 1-800-IRS-TAPE, was incorrect.
Big Deal. The Garden of Eden Suffered From Population Explosion Too
In a ranking of environmental livability that considered the rate of population change, Zero Population Growth rated El Paso as the worst place to live in the country.
May 20, 1991—A Day Which Will Live in Infamy
Jesus Diaz of Brownsville became the first Texan to be attacked by killer bees.
She Had All the Right Parts
Krisann Whitley of Levelland, a graduate of Southern Methodist University, was chosen Ms. Harley-Davidson by popular vote of the 375,000 people who attended a Harley-Davidson rally in Daytona.
The Same as Your I. Q.
Lena Guerrero, the first woman ever to serve on the Texas Railroad Commission, spoke for the first time in front of the truckers regulated by the commission and ended her remarks by asking if anyone had any questions. A member of the audience asked, “What’s you bra size?”
They Practice Safe Theft
Thieves broke into a car owned by a nineteen-year-old Harker Heights woman and stole a fourteen-karat gold ladies’ Rolex watch with a diamond face, worth $5,000, and a box of Magic Evening condoms, worth 50 cents.
The Little Creamery in Osaka
After negotiations between Blue Bell Ice Cream of Brenham and Ezaki Gilco, a Japanese food company, failed to result in a join-operating agreement to enter the Japanese market, Ezaki Gilco registered the Blue Bell trademark in Japan and claimed exclusive right to it.
Read My Lips. No New Anything
The Ron Paul Republican for President Exploratory Committee sent out a fundraising letter on behalf of Paul, a former Republican congressman from Lake Jackson, asking for contributions so that Paul could enter the New Hampshire Republican primary against George Bush. The committee attacked Bush for, among other things, “multiplying the number of welfare bums,” “making the Federal Register look like the Encyclopedia Bushanica,” and “teaching condoms to third-graders.”
Wash Our Sins Away
Visitors flocked to Reynaldo Trevino’s auto supply store in Progreso after he discovered an image of the Virgin Mary in the back of his store on the cement floor of a shower stall.
George III Was Rather Dreadful, and Then There Was Uncle Edward And That Bloody American Woman
Visiting the White House, Queen Elizabeth II of England asked George W. Bush, a son of President and Mrs. Bush, if he was the black sheep of the family. “I guess so,” he said. “All families have them,” said the queen. Replied Bush, “Who’s yours?”
Here’s a Plug For Brussels Sprouts
A Houston Lighting and Power Company employee was fired after a pornographic video tape was discovered in the office. It showed male workers attending a stag party that featured two nude dancers who are known as the Salad Sisters for their creative use of fruits and vegetables.
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