Judge Roy Scream vs. The Texas Cyclone
An insider’s guide to Texas amusement parks.
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Ads for Fiesta Texas brag that it’s “the darndest theme park built in America in the last twenty years.” While it hardly poses a threat to DisneyWorld, the latest addition to San Antonio’s growing collection of tourist destinations is impressive nonetheless. The 85-acre park that has been fashioned from an abandoned rock quarry is smartly designed, pleasantly landscaped, and absolutely spotless. It is new enough that the staff still seems genuinely excited to be there; they all stop work to wave at the locomotive’s passengers whenever it passes by. The downside of that newness is a dearth of shade, a shortcoming that should be corrected once all the recently planted vegetation takes root. In the meantime, hats are strongly recommended.
Getting There From downtown San Antonio, go ten miles west on Interstate 10 and take the La Cantera—Fiesta Texas exit just past the FM 1604 interchange. On weekends, to avoid potential gridlock, take the La Cantera—Fiesta Texas exit off 1604. Parking is $3.
Cost One-day admission for adults and teenagers is $22.95 plus tax; $15.95 for children four to eleven. Admission for two consecutive days is $34.95 for adults; $24.95 for children.
Getting Around The park is relatively simple to negotiate. It’s divided thematically into Los Festivales (Mexican), Spassburg (German), Rockville (fifties nostalgia), and Crackaxle Canyon (twenties boomtown). Almost all routes pass through Los Festivales. To get a comfortable perspective on the park, cut through to the Pilgrim Station in Spassburg and hop the train.
The Rides Fiesta Texas’ centerpiece is the Rattler, a wooden roller coaster said to have the steepest drop in the world, plunging riders 166 feet down at a 61-degree angle at a speed of 73 miles per hour. (As much as two and a half hours, though, is a long time to wait for two minutes and twenty seconds of heart-attack-level pleasure.) Otherwise, the park has considerably fewer kicks than Six Flags or AstroWorld—even if you count its overabundance of gift shops and arcade games. The Gully Washer, a whitewater rapids adventure full of spouting jets of water, is a fixture in almost every theme park in America. Ditto the Power Surge, a water coaster ride. Bring a bathing suit, however, for one of several water slides that should be in full operation by late May. Something to keep in mind: The height minimum for many of the rides (from 48 to 52 inches) can be a problem. Many kids are too tall to drive the little bumper cars in the otherwise excellent kiddie ride section, but they are technically too small to drive the adult-size cars without a parent.
The Shows Fiesta Texas bills itself as a musical show park in the tradition of its prototype and sister park, Nashville’s Opryland USA. For the first year it’s staying away from name entertainers, instead favoring slick productions starring hundreds of fresh-faced teens and young adults. Shows are presented throughout the day in seven theaters and outdoor pavilions (schedules in English and Spanish are distributed at the park’s entrance). They range from the “Heart of Texas” celebration and “Music Country Music” to “Festival Folklorico” (a Mexican tribute) and “Rockin’ at Rockville High” (a bland middle-American West Side Story). The shows for kids—the silly western melodrama “They Went Thataway,” for example—may not hold their attention. To get a seat at the big shows (“Heart of Texas,” “Festival Folklorico”), be sure to arrive at least half an hour early on busy days, not fifteen minutes early, as the park advises.
Food Here Fiesta Texas has a decided edge. El Rincon de las Delicias, near the entrance, serves authentic Mexican bakery goods, as well as breakfast tacos. Stands throughout the park offer somewhat exotic fare like churros, the Mexican version of the donut, and fruit whip cones, alongside such old standbys as popcorn and snow cones. Sängerfest Halle in Spassburg serves tasty cafeteria-style food ranging from roast beef to cucumber salad. Mi Pueblito, the nicest restaurant on the grounds and the only one with wait service, goes beyond the usual Tex-Mex to delve into such semi-exotic specialties as Cholula grilled shrimp and flan with strawberry, peach, plum, and mango sauces. There are kids’ meals almost everywhere, though they’ll probably prefer the nostalgia fast food at Pete’s Eats (burg-ers, fries, and the like) and the pizza at Lou’s. Beer is available at Sängerfest Halle; frozen margaritas are served at Mi Pueblito. J.N.P.
Sea World
10500 Sea World Drive, San Antonio (512-523-3611). Open weekends only through May 31; daily June 1 to August 30; weekends only September 1 to November 29. Gates open at 10 a.m. Closing times vary.
If you’re not the least bit amused by dolphins leaping in unison into the air, little sea otters stealing the hat off the head of a grown man, or killer whales happily splashing water on you with their tails, get ready for a very long day at Sea World. There’s not much else to see at this 250-acre park devoted almost entirely to sea life. There are only two amusement rides—if “amusement” is the right word—and a four-acre Texas Walk scattered with statues of Texas heroes, an acre-size map of the United States, and a Garden of Flags. If Shamu is your thing, though, you’ll have a fabulous time. It is simply breathtaking to watch him come ripping up out of the water. And the other trained seals, dolphins, and sea lions are so entertaining that your kids will want to take them home.
Getting There Take Loop 410 to Texas Highway 151; follow 151 to Westover Hills Boulevard and turn left; Sea World’s entrance is straight ahead. Parking is $3. (There is also a city bus from downtown San Antonio to the park.)
Cost $22.95 plus tax for adults and children twelve and over; $15.95 for children three to eleven; kids under three are free. During the 1992 season, if you purchase an adult ticket, you get a free children’s pass.
Getting Around This park doesn’t have nearly as many attractions as the others, and if you’re not careful you’ll find yourself spending the majority of your time walking from place to place or standing around in the seemingly infinite number of gift shops. To make the most of your trip, focus your attention on the animal shows and plan your route accordingly. (Sea World provides an informative color map listing all the show times and special events for that day.) Crowds at the park can be huge—up to 40,000 a day—so you should keep an eye on your watch as you set out for particular destinations.
The Rides Sea World’s offerings are mediocre at best. Although the three-to-five-minute Rio Loco is designed to be like a white-water adventure—you ride in a huge trucklike tire that twists through a man-made river—it’s largely a disappointment. To get you wet, the ride’s operators stop your tire midway through and lamely spray water at you. The only other ride to speak of, a log flume called the Texas Splashdown, is more fun, since it has two five-story drops. But the sixty- to ninety-minute wait doesn’t seem worth the thrill, especially for kids used to high-speed coasters. This summer the park will add a much-needed children’s playground. Shamu’s Happy Harbor has three acres of net climbs, sway bridges, and a replica of a ship that kids can climb through.
The Shows The shows are Sea World’s main selling point, so you should decide in advance what you want to see and arrive there at least fifteen minutes early to get a good seat—preferably near an aisle, so you can take off the moment the show is over and beat the crowd to the next one. Most popular are the big animal shows; each is 20 to 25 minutes long. If you get to the park at ten in the morning, head to the Whale and Dolphin Stadium and start with the least exciting one, “Wet, Wild and Wonderful,” which features four dolphins and a group of white be-luga whales. Then head over to Shamu Stadium for the eleven-thirty show. You’ll be early, but you’ll get a good seat in the first twelve rows, called the “splash zone.” (In the sweltering San Antonio heat, the water feels fine.) Next, amble on over to the “Spooky, Kooky Castle” show, in which two absolutely hilarious sea lions go through a haunted castle looking for their dead Uncle Schmedley’s will. Elsewhere in the park are a water ski show (featuring humans) with an Old West theme, a flamingo island, and a dolphin pool, where you can pet friendly dolphins on the head and feed them fish. Two dark, cool places that beat the heat: the penguin house, where a moving sidewalk takes you past an icy scene of rock hoppers and dozens of other varieties (kids love this); and the giant aquariums at the shark and tropical fish house.
Food Sea World isn’t about to serve you seafood after you’ve spent all day watching cute sea animals frolic, but it does serve just about everything else. With five restaurants and its own bakery making fresh bread and homemade cheesecake daily, the park’s fare is wonderful by theme-park standards. (That despite rather ordinary fast food, which you should avoid.) The Bluebonnet Grill, a full-service restaurant with waiters, serves excellent Southwestern food (try the mesquite-grilled fajitas), and the Di Lido restaurant specializes in tasty Italian food. The best item in the park, however, could be the Oaks Cafe and Grill’s Gobbler—a sandwich of tasty fixin’s and thick turkey sliced before your eyes from a freshly roasted bird. Skip Hollandsworth
Before You Go All four parks accept major credit cards for admission. None allows pets, although all but AstroWorld have limited-space kennels. All but Sea World have money machines; all have lockers and electric cart rentals for senior citizens near their main entrances. All have private diaper-changing areas around their kiddie rides. Only Sea World permits paging of lost persons—and only as a last resort.
No matter which park you visit, plan ahead. Call or write beforehand for brochures and information on special hours, special events, or anticipated crowds during your trip. Check the Friday and Sunday newspapers in your destination city for reduced hotel rates, restaurant discounts, and package plans. Unless you want to pay exorbitant prices, buy film, hats, and sunscreen in advance, and bring your own strollers and wheelchairs. Most important, dress for comfort, not style. Leave your heels, boots, and loafers at home and wear sensible shoes. And be sure to wear belt pouches. They’re preferable to purses—especially if you plan on riding on contraptions that toss your body around.
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