Judge Roy Scream vs. The Texas Cyclone
An insider’s guide to Texas amusement parks.
Veterans of Texas’ four big theme parks will tell you that what separates a great time from a merely passable one is the quality of your inside information—how to beat the heat, where to find the tastiest food, which shows are worth the wait, when to visit the most popular rides. Some of this critical info is available through common sense: If you want to avoid long lines, forget Saturdays and plan your trip for midweek. But the rest is known only to true theme-park mavens—and that’s where we come in. Want the real skinny on the frills and thrills? Here’s our tell-all guide.
Six Flags
201 Road to Six Flags, Arlington (817-640-8900). Open daily May 23 through August 23; weekends only from August 29 to November 22; selected dates from Nov-ember 27 to December 31. Most days, gates open at 10 a.m., 9:30 when large crowds are expected. Closing times vary.
Six Flags Over Texas is the oldest and most visited park in the state. Over the years, several changes in ownership have transformed its 88 acres from a quirky theme park with the unique historical idea of Texas under six flags into a thrill-ride park populated by owner Time Warner’s Looney Tunes characters. In spite of the shift in emphasis and subtle signs of wear and tear (such as paint peeling off the seats of the parking lot trams), maturity has its advantages: Towering oak and pecan trees scattered about the premises provide an abundance of shade, and the staff is so cheerful and experienced that the park runs with a smooth efficiency no matter how crowded it gets.
Getting There Take the Six Flags exit from either Texas Highway 360 or Interstate 30; the park sits at the intersection of the two roads, fifteen miles from Dallas and Fort Worth. Parking is $5 a day; season parking passes are $15. On especially congested days, the management thoughtfully posts signs in front of the parking lot’s entrance, warning that you may want to turn back.
Cost One-day admission is $22.95 plus tax for adults; $16.95 for children less than 48 inches tall and seniors 55 and over; children 2 and under are free. A two-day admission is $28.95. Individual season passes are $59.95.
Getting Around A helpful if unwieldy color map describing the park’s layout is part of the admission price, but the basic premise is six sections, with an assortment of good and bad attractions in each. You’ll do a fair amount of walking from one end of the park to the other, so you might want to take the train that encircles the grounds to get acquainted. (On crowded days, though, you’re allowed to travel nonstop only halfway around.) Lost children are taken to the Lost Parents Caboose in Looney Tunes Land. If you anticipate being separated from the rest of your party during your visit, decide on a meeting spot—preferably anywhere other than the carousel near the main entrance, since that’s where everyone else seems to congregate.
The Rides Six Flags is a roller coaster enthusiast’s dream, with six fantastic coaster-style attractions. Nostalgic adults will love the Judge Roy Scream, a throwback to the Comet at the State Fair, while kids prefer the legendary Texas Giant, the gut-churning Flashback, the double loop Shock Wave, and the Texas Cliffhanger, which simulates a ten-story free-fall. Unfortunately, the wait for all rides—and sometimes even the bumper cars—can exceed an hour on some crowded weekends, which allows you to take in only five or six rides during a full day. (The only good news about the long lines: Video screens in many waiting areas show—what else?—Looney Tunes cartoons.) And beware the weather. Windy conditions can force the temporary closing of the Oil Derrick observation tower, the Air Racer plane ride, and the Texas Chute Out parachute drop. By early June, two new attractions should be on-line: the Batman Stunt Show, in a new 2,500-seat amphitheater, and a float ride called Yosemite Sam and the Gold River Adventure.
The Shows Each day seven shows are presented around the clock, including a Motown revue, a magic show, an old-fashioned western melodrama, and a Bugs Bunny production. “Do You Hear the People Sing?”—a tribute to freedom and world harmony performed at the Southern Palace—is the most popular; lines form half an hour before show time. As for the gunfight show, unless you plop down fifteen minutes early in front of the stores in the Texas section where the cowboys hang out, the action can be obscured by passersby drifting through the area. Name entertainment is presented for a small surcharge on weekends and holidays at the 10,000-seat Music Mill Theater.
Food Six Flags is home to the Pink Thing, a brightly colored creamy confection that has set a personal standard for theme-park junk food. Today, however, it takes a back seat to the state-of-the-art frozen novelty, the Lemon Chill, a slushy lemon-and-sugar concoction with the consistency of soft ice cream. Skip the cafeteria-style restaurants serving Mexican food and fried chicken; real fast-food places do it better. On the other hand, the Food Court in Looney Tunes Land cuts the mustard. The one-third-pound All-American Cheddar Burger rightfully earned top honors in Inside Track magazine’s annual poll of amusement-park aficionados. You’ll also find a decent quarter-pound hot dog, a passable chicken fajita salad, and edible pepperoni or sausage pizza slices. The skin-on homestyle fries are superb. No alcohol is served in the park. Joe Nick Patoski
AstroWorld
9001 Kirby Drive, Houston (713-799-1234). Open daily May 25 to August 23; weekends only from August 29 to November 1. Gates open 10 a.m. weekends and 11 a.m. weekdays. Closing times vary.
Astroworld’s chief virtue and major drawback is that it is in Houston. The virtue is that the park is accessible to everyone from Beaumont to Victoria. The drawback is that summer visitors cannot escape the stultifying heat and humidity they left behind. Within the park’s 75 acres are about two dozen thrill rides set off by restaurants, arcades, and souvenir shops. AstroWorld has improved considerably since it was purchased by Time Warner in 1975; like Six Flags, though, it is overrun by Looney Tunes cartoon characters, and the Looney Tunes theme song is played incessantly on park speakers. It’s a fitting touch considering your mental state after a few hours of hot sun.
Getting There Take the Fannin exit off Loop 610 in southwest Houston; the parking lot is off the access road. Parking costs $4, in an utterly treeless area that AstroWorld shares with the Astrodome. Although you can walk from the parking area to the park entrance, trams pass by every ten minutes or so. Then again, they make only two stops—both of which are nowhere near many of the parking spots. Plan on a hike.
Cost $20.95 plus tax for adults; $14.95 for children less than 54 inches tall; children 2 and under are free; $11.95 for seniors 55 and over. Season passes are $54.95 for children and adults; $160 for a family of four. A two-day admission to AstroWorld and the adjacent WaterWorld is $23.95 plus tax.
Getting Around AstroWorld has a layout somewhat like Houston’s, only less logical. Imagine a serpentine loop with no intersecting freeways, just a train and a sky ride to get you from one end to the other. The park has a design that forces you to walk in circles unless you are very systematic about your ride choices. The divisions within the park (the Enchanted Kingdom, the Alpine Valley, the Oriental Village, and so on) are mostly irrelevant; they’re really fronts for one coaster or another. The Enchanted Kingdom is the only area for small children, while Americana Square, with its mall-like gaggle of shops, is a haven for teens.
The Rides AstroWorld has six coasters with an average wait of 45 minutes each on busy days. The screamiest is the 60-mile-per-hour Texas Cyclone, an old-fashioned wooden replica of Coney Island’s much beloved Cyclone. The Viper, a preposterously swift coaster that includes twisting turns and a murderous tunnel, runs a close second. The SkyScreamer, though not a coaster, is equally terrifying (the equivalent of an elevator drop of ten stories) but less ride for the wait. You should skip the Joustabout, a monotonous and nauseating whirligig that lacks an air-conditioned waiting area. The conventional wisdom holds that you put off water rides like the Tidal Wave, a water coaster that collides with a twenty-foot wall of water, until the end of your visit because you will get drenched; but if you don’t mind feeling a bit squishy for the rest of the day, they can provide early relief from the searing temperatures. For small kids and chickenhearted adults, there are tamer rides like the Bamboo Shoot log flume ride and the Gunslinger, which rotates riders sideways and straight up.
The Shows AstroWorld offers eight shows that serve mostly to give your feet a rest. They’re corny, predictable, and not always so relaxing; air conditioning and shade vary. Only young children will sit still through “Bugs Bunny’s All Star Revue,” which features grown-ups dressed as Looney Tunes characters singing and dancing to canned music. Much better is “Dolphins of the Deep,” where two extremely good-natured dolphins do front and back flips for about twenty minutes. (Beware: The first three rows are splash-intensive, and the covered, open-air arena gets very toasty. Sit on the east side as the sun sets or you’ll learn firsthand what a redfish feels like when its first side gets blackened.) Shows in the Southern Star Amphitheatre, adjacent to the park, feature big-time family and gospel entertainers, the better to attract more children and grown-ups and fewer rowdy teens.
Food Expect the usual junk fare, at sometimes inflated prices. Some burgers come plain unless you specify the works—but either way, they’re soggy. Ditto the french fries. Don’t be tempted by the exotic-sounding pita sandwiches; they feature shredded pressed meat and shredded fixin’s. Gut up, forget your cholesterol count, and eat the Popeye’s Fried Chicken. Also try the refreshing frozen lemonade coolers. Beer is served at two of the restaurants: Festhalle and Los Tios. Mimi Swartz
Fiesta Texas
17000 Interstate 10 West, San Antonio (512-697-5000, 800-473-4378). Open daily May 22 through September 7; Friday through Sunday from September 11 to 27; weekends only from October 3 to November 8. Most days, gates open at 10 a.m. Closing times vary.
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