The 1993 Bum Steer Awards
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Now Tell Us the Famous Story About The Day Zeus Moved From Olympus to Turtle Creek Boulevard
The Dallas Institute of Humanities and Culture sponsored a special fall conference, “Pegasus and the Nine Muses,” celebrating the construction of Pegasus Plaza in downtown Dallas. “Pegasus, the winged horse, is the symbol of the birth of creative imagination arising from impossible sources—the very story of Dallas and its beginnings,” read the announcement for the event. “The soaring, winged horse has become synonymous with Dallas’ own spirit where opportunity springs from impossible odds.”
“For Taking a Personal Interest in His Employees”
Jerry Jarmon, an Austin State Hospital plant manager who was accused in a sexual harassment lawsuit of repeatedly asking a secretary about her sex habits, won a $25 prize for being named the maintenance department’s employee of the month.
Picking the Right Tofu Can Be So Stressful
Whole Foods Market stores in Austin, Dallas, Houston, and California installed special screened-off sections so that shoppers can get a ten-minute massage for $7.
The Chimp Monkeyed with the Lock. “Stop, You Big Ape!” Cried the Boy. “You’re Gibbon Me a Scare.” It Didn’t Langur When The Door Swung Open. Rhesus Christ! What a Mandrill. Hanuman Combat. Grandma Was Sipping Capuchin, Getting Utan in the Sun, When It Spider. “Turn the Other Chacma,” the Boy Shouted. But Before His Very Eyes, Marmoset Down on the Ground. Fortunately the Incident Took Place Out in the Baboondocks, so There Was Nobody Else to Saki to. Entellus More. All Right, This Took Place on Colobus Day.
On October 12 a pet chimpanzee escaped from its cage in Dripping Springs, bit a fifteen-year-old boy, and threw the boy’s grandmother to the ground.
Dear Jury: Let the Punishment Fit the Crime
The family of an eleven-year-old boy sued the Lubbock Independent School District after the boy was shoved into a cell during a field trip to a juvenile detention center, held there for an hour before being released, and upon his return to school, ordered to tell a sixth-grade class to “improve their attitude” or “the same would happen to them.”
It’s Called a Boobie Gun
A woman robbed a fast-food restaurant in Temple of $368 by threatening a clerk at the drive-through window with a curling iron held under her shirt.
You Can’t Say He Didn’t Warn You
William E. Gibson, the chairman of American Federal Bank in Dallas in 1989, said, “If the industry is to survive, its member institutions must take positive steps to rebuild public confidence by instituting strict codes of ethical business conduct.” In 1992 Gibson was convicted of defrauding American Federal of $43,000 and American Airlines of at least $200,000.
He Blew All the Money on Clairol
Officials at American Federal Bank in Dallas detained and questioned bank customer William F. Gibson, the owner of Hello Gorgeous hair salon in Plano, for more than two hours because they thought he was William E. Gibson, the former president of American Federal who had recently been convicted of bank fraud.
Give Till It Hurts The Bum Steers Catalog.
The Texas Longhorns Celebrity Calendar, featuring pictures of choice Longhorn cattle, offered for $7 by Dickinson Cattle Company, Calhan, Colorado.
The Willie Nelson Cooked Goose Cookbook and IRS Financial Advisor, published by Longstreet Press, Atlanta, for $5.95.
Jewelry and objets d’art, an estimated $200,000 worth of items belonging to Judy Nelson of Fort Worth, which she was permitted to keep as the result of her legal settlement with her former lover, tennis Martina Navratilova, offered at auction.
Pet Congressman, a portly doll in a dome-shaped cage, accompanied by an official guide to care and feeding (“seems to thrive on pork-from-a-barrel”), sold for $15 at the Republican National Convention in Houston by Capital-isms, Inc.
Etch A Sketch art, including a reproduction of the Sistine chapel ceiling in 25 sketches, etched by Robert Bluestein of Austin and offered for $175 to $200 a sketch.
A new Lamborghini Diablo, with a top speed of 202 miles per hour, priced at $241,064 (plus taxes) at Lipshy Motorcars in Dallas.
Critter Cuisine, photographed and written by Al and Mary Ann Clayton “for the cook who’s cooked it all,” sold in bookstores for $15.95.
Grassy knoll fence, a section from the site of the Kennedy assassination, offered for $5,000 by John Gardner of Dallas.
The Texas Swimsuit Calendar, featuring bikini-clad models and Western themes such as cowgirls and Indians, published by Candy Lop Calendars in San Antonio for $10.95.
There Go the Ten Points For Executing Proper Parallel Parking
On her way to renew her driver’s license, Dora Nuhn of New Braunfels was unable to stop her car and crashed through the wall of the Department of Public Safety office.
It’s a Bum Rap
Dallas West End artist Krandel Lee Newton, who operates Butt Sketch, a business specializing in “rear-perspective portraits,” sued Mark Burton for infringing on a trademark name by operating a nearby enterprise called Fanny Sketch.
Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallo? Hallo?
When Christian radio station KIJN-AM of Farwell increased its power from 250 to 5,000 watts, townspeople found that broadcasts of sermons and hymns could be clearly heard on the telephone.
It’s Hard to Find a Place to Practice These Days
Three volunteer firefighters in Donna were arraigned on charges of arson for setting a warehouse fire that they later helped fight.
Quick! The Lawyer Repellent!
During a lawsuit between neighbors over barking dogs, San Antonio attorney James Sieloff waved a can of dog repellent over his head, pressed the nozzle, and accidentally sprayed the chemicals on the jury.
Then He Was No-billed
Dallas law officers, unable to discover the last name of an arrested deaf and mute man who gave his first name as Howard, detained him for two weeks under the name “Howard the Duck.”
The Police Are Busy Guarding the City Council
The El Paso City Council voted to spend $112,000 to hire a private security firm to guard the city’s police station.
Sounds Sane to Us Too
San Angelo judge Royal Hart ordered J. B. Fiveash to have his mouth covered when testifying and to talk to his lawyer from behind a glass partition after Finveash, who was facing misdemeanor charges of assault and resisting arrest, spat on his court-appointed lawyer for refusing to pursue an insanity defense.
Either Put a Roller Coaster in the Grand Canyon or Stop Whining
The National Park Service protested a Six Flags promotion with McDonald’s that offered coupons to the amusement parks bearing the slogan “America’s Most Exciting National Parks.”
Tonight’s Special: Moo Goo Go Boom
Hao Liu, the manager of the Summer Palace Chinese restaurant in Sulphur Springs, was acquitted of charges of attempted arson for trying to hire an undercover law officer to blow up the rival Royal China restaurant.
Sounds Like a Clear-cut Case of Death by Guillotine
Lubbock County pathologist Dr. Ralph Erdmann was charged with three counts of tampering with government records after he lost a murder victim’s head while performing an autopsy.
Par $400
Harris County Court-at-Law judge Jim Barkley closed a golf pro shop that he had been operating out of his chambers, selling golf bags, apparel, and monogramming by his wife to attorneys.
Wish You Were Here. Don’t You?
Following the announcement by General Motors that its Arlington assembly plant would be kept open while the one in Ypsilanti, Michigan, would close, Arlington City Council member Dick Malec proposed that the city throw a party to raise money for unemployed GM workers in Michigan.
Give It to the Legislature. They Deserve It
Ann Richards gave a turkey to Gullet Elementary School in Austin.
It Was Just a Slap In the Face
Zsa Zsa Gabor won a new trial after a federal court jury ordered her to pay $3 million to Len Safir, the president of Hollywood Fantasy, because she failed to honor a contract calling for her to attend a “fantasy week” at a San Antonio hotel, where guests had paid $7,500 to hobnob with show business celebrities for a week.
You Mean “AWOL” Doesn’t Stand for “A Wicked Overhead Lay-up”?
The Lingleville High School basketball team lost its projected starting center, Eric Slater, when he was arrested by sheriff’s deputies and charged by U.S. Navy officials under his real name, Kevin Keith Osborne, for being absent without leave from a Virginia amphibious base.
What’s a Few Dollars Among Friends?
Congressman Ron Coleman of El Paso, who originally acknowledged writing four bad checks on the House of Representatives bank totaling $285, was officially reported to have written 673 bad checks totaling more than $200,000.
But the Government Didn’t Cover Our Check
Explaining why he had written a $6,500 overdraft on the House of Representatives bank to the Internal Revenue Service, Congressman Charles Wilson of Lufkin said, “I had a choice between owing the IRS and overdrawing my account, so I did the same thing you would have done.”
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