The 1994 Bum Steer Awards
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We’re Shocked—Shocked!—That Beauty Pageant Contestants Are Being Asked to Wear Revealing Swimsuits
Shawna Andes of Austin withdrew from the Miss Texas USA Pageant after pageant officials gave her a bikini swimsuit that she said was too revealing.
How a Bill Becomes Law
Lieutenant Governor Bob Bullock said that Senator Judith Zaffirini of Laredo could pass any legislation she wanted to if “she’ll cut her skirt off about six inches and put on some high-heel shoes.”
And If You’d Just Raise Your Hemline, Senator Parker, You Might Get One
When the Texas Senate honored Judith Zaffirini of Laredo for casting her 10,000th consecutive vote since she became a senator in 1987, Carl Parker of Port Arthur said, “If I had a husband who supported me, I could do that too.”
Jack Nicklaus’ Tip of The Day: Think About Your Club Selection Before You Swing. A Three Wood With a Graphite Shaft Is Much More Flexible
Anthony Macaluso of Austin was arrested on the Balcones Country Club golf course and charged with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon after an argument over a loose dog led to a struggle in which he attempted to choke another club member with a six iron.
Jose, Can You See?
Texas Rangers outfielder Jose Canseco attempted to catch a fly ball hit by Carlos Martinez of the Cleveland Indians, but it bounced off his head and over the fence for a home run.
Okay, How About Cuatro de Mayo?
Leonel Herrera of Edinburg, who was convicted of capital murder in the shooting death of a police officer, protested that his execution date was set for May 5, a Mexican holiday known as Cinco de Mayo.
It Was in the Clothing, Stupid
After a Brookshire high school student complained that $41 was missing from her purse, a school nurse forced all the girls in a Spanish class to submit to a strip search. The money was not found.
Not Tonight, Dear. The Blimp Is Watching
David and Sue Winingham of Granbury sued Anheuser-Busch for $148,500 in damages, alleging that after the company’s Bud One Airship flew over their ostrich farm at a low altitude, the birds stopped breeding.
“Now You May Shake Hands With the Bride”
After a spectator at the Dallas Children’s Theater objected to a kiss between a black actor and a white actress in a wedding scene, an official at the theater removed the kiss from the script.
Woe Is Me ‘93 Who Had a Bad Year? C for Yourself.
The supercollider. CANCELED! after the U.S. government spent $2 billion on the project, by a vote of the House of Representatives.
The Houston Oilers. CHOKED! by blowing a 35-3 lead to the Buffalo Bills in the AFC play-offs.
Senator Kay Bailey Hutchinson. CAUGHT! by an indictment for destroying records as a state treasurer.
Anthony Young. CHAGRINED! when the Houston-born pitcher lost a record 27 straight games for the New York Mets.
Houston’s Jeff Davis High. CLOBBERED! by a national-record eighty straight losses in football.
Houston’s Wheatley High. CRESTFALLEN! by being the first team to lose to Jeff Davis High in 81 games.
Bob Krueger. CANNED! by a two-to-one margin in his bid to hold on to his Senate seat.
Mis-Givings The Bum Steers Catalog.
Nolan Ryan baseball card, in 22-karat gold foil, available from Preferred Direct of Plymouth, Minnesota, for $29.95.
T. Boone Pickens’ mansion, a 16,000-square-foot home in Dallas, with six bedrooms, eight full baths, five half-baths, five fireplaces, three wet bars, and a seven-car garage, offered for $8.9 million.
FertiLlama organic fertilizer, touted as nonburning and odor free by FertiLlama, Inc., founders Peggy Cripps and Glenda McEvoy (“the llama mamas”), prepared near Brenham and sold in garden centers in Houston, Austin, and Brenham for $5 for a two-pound bag.
Royal family card set, featuring Princess Di, Fergie, and other members of British royalty, with write-ups by gossip columnist Liz Smith, offered by Dallas-based Press Pass in ten-card packs for 99 cents.
The Clinton Countdown Calendar, covering four years to January 20, 1997, with important events identified for each day (“1/4/94: Last Quarter Moon . . . only 38 more last quarter moons until Clinton leaves office”), sold for $12.95 by Lame Duck of Dallas.
Bill’s Balls, a set of three golf balls displaying a caricature of Bill Clinton and political commentary (“Go in the hole with Bill!”), designed by Pat Guerra and Michelle Cheney of Austin and sold at Golfsmith for $12.50.
“Methane Avenue. Change Here for Hydrogen Sulfide Square”
The Dallas Area Rapid Transit authority was forced to stop work on a subway tunnel because its tunnel-boring machine released pockets of methane gas that had been trapped in the rock when ancient sea worms decayed.
Don’t Blame Us. We Voted for Millie
Cat Connection of Dallas, a feline grooming facility, held a contest on Inauguration Day to choose the cat that most closely resembled the Clintons’ family cat, Socks.
Ignorance of the Lawyer Is No Excuse
After Clarence Brandley’s conviction for murder was overturned because of racial prejudice and the charges against him dismissed, Attorney General Dan Morales filed suit against Brandley for $22,000 in unpaid child support, most of which had accumulated while he was in prison.
Nuking the Japs Was Okay, but Chemical Warfare Is Even Funnier
State representative Will Hartnett of Dallas distributed satiric materials to his Republican colleagues, including fake tax forms in which the address label asked for homeless persons to “please identify dumpster location” and charitable deductions were limited to such groups as the “League of Wymyn Voters.” Asked about a picture of a mushroom cloud with a caption that read “Built in the U.S. by lazy, illiterate Americans . . . Tested in Japan,” Hartnett replied, “Obviously, if you don’t like nuclear warfare, you’re not going to like that.”
Don’t Let Representative Will Hartnett Find Out About This
After a ten-year dispute with the Houston suburb of Piney Point Village, the Japanese government agreed to pay a garbage collection bill owed by its consulate.
He Wasn’t Crazy About The Body, but He Loved The Headlights
Former Erath County Commissioner Hurrsell Whitefield was sentenced to ten years probation and fined $10,00 for using county funds to buy a car for a Fort Worth topless dancer.
Just Doing Some Legal Research
Harris County Court-at-Law judge Al Leal apologized for appearing to read Penthouse magazine while he presided over a public lewdness case.
“The World Will Little Note nor Long Remember What We Say Here, But It Will Never Forget What They Did Here”
The City of Hidalgo spent $20,000 to build a statue of a killer bee commemorating where the bees first crossed into the United States from Mexico.
Our Main Man, Who Be in Heaven
P. K. McCary of Houston wrote Black Bible Chronicles, which retells stories in the first five books of the Bible in street talk. McCary’s version of Noah and the flood reads, “So while the Almighty was hipped to what was going down, He told Noah that because of these hard times He was gonna get rid of the world. ‘I’m fed up, Noah, with what’s happenin’ ‘round here. These folks ain’t what’s happenin’ anymore, so I’m gonna do what I gotta do, and end things once and for all. Man, I’m gonna blow the brothers clear outta the water.’”
B.S.
The Texas Supreme Court ruled in a dispute over odors from an Erath County calf farm that manure was not an air contaminant.
They Have a Dream
After the Dallas Mavericks lost 27 of their first 29 games and fired Coach Richie Adubato, general manager Norm Sonju explained that the club wasn’t blaming Adubato for the poor record. Said Sonju: “We’re the worst team in basketball. We made a decision last summer to be the worst team in basketball.”
Stop or I’ll Shoot
A man sleeping in the nude in Poteet was awakened by his wife’s screams, saw an intruder in his house, chased him outside while still naked, and pursued him for thirty minutes in his pickup until his quarry crashed into a guard rail on Interstate 35.
No Big Deal
US magazine published a picture of model Anna Nicole Smith of Mexia that touched off a controversy whether her breasts are real. Smith claims that her bust size is the results of weight gained during pregnancy, but the picture, which US claimed was taken shortly after the birth of her son in 1987, showed her looking slim and trim.
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