The 1995 Bum Steer Awards
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He Was Making Catsup
Following testimony by his ex-girlfriend that he was jealous of her two cats, John David Celinski of Houston was found guilty of misdemeanor animal cruelty after he was accused of cooking the cats in her microwave oven.
Before We Sign Up, We Have One Question. What Exactly Are the Hands on?
The University of Texas at Austin hosted the National Graduate Student Conference on Lesbian, Transgender, Bisexual, and Gay studies. Among the conference topics were:
* “Viva la Vulva: Performing Lesbian Identity”
* “Style Switching Among African American Drag Queens”
* “ ‘I Like to Watch’: Towards a Theory of the (Queer) Spectator”
* “Internet Resources for Conducting Research in Queer Studies: A Hands-on Demonstration"
Promoting the Three R’s: Reading, Rioting, and ‘Rithmetic
In the hope of stimulating interest in reading, radio station KYNG-FM in Dallas announced that station officials had hidden cash inside books at the Fort Worth Central Library. An estimated five hundred people raced to the library and searched through the stacks, throwing more than four thousand books on the floor.
You’re Never Too Old To Start a New Career
Sally Evans Hubbard of Houston was sentenced to two years in prison after pleading guilty to selling drugs. She was 82 years old.
No Pay, No Play
The Highland Park School Board approved charging a $100 fee for any student who wanted to participate in organized athletics.
Interstate 635, Cowboys 0
In a period of three weeks four Dallas Cowboys players were injured in automobile accidents, including all-pro tackle Erik Williams, who was lost for the season.
Watch Out for the Temporary Water Hazard on No. 18
Ed Gifford of Houston teed off for a round of golf while the clubhouse at Inwood Forest Country Club burned. “It’s a good time to play because nobody’s on the course,” he explained.
Fortunately, the Hunters Wanted a Buck
Aleta Fairchild of Austin was arrested and charged with harassing a hunter after she tried to keep deer from coming to a deer blind by urinating on feed corn, unaware that she was being observed.
Like, Wow, Man, That Wasn’t What Was Going Down, You Know. Peace
The Congressional General Accounting Office reported, and the U.S. Air Force confirmed, that the Air Force had conducted experiments with LSD on patients at Baylor University medical schools in Houston and Dallas between 1956 and 1968. The Houston school confirms that the research took place. The Dallas school denies it.
The Criminals Are Moving Too
Carolyn Barrentine and Billy Johnson of Pompano Beach, Florida, packed a U-Haul truck with all of their belongings and moved to Dallas to get away from crime. Two nights later, thieves stole the truck from the Fellowship Bible Church parking lot.
At Least Our Targets Aren’t Live
Writing in the New York Post before the beginning of the NBA championship series, columnist Wallace Matthews described Houston in an article headlined THIS PLACE IS A HELLHOLE as “a steamy, bug-infested, nondescript prairie town” where “there’s plenty of nightlife if you’re one for upscale strip joints, 24-hour fast food, and all-night shooting ranges.”
Hit the Road, Jack Politicians we were glad to see lose.
Congressman Jack Brooks, Democrat, Beaumont. After a 42-year career of dipping into the federal pork barrel, he tried one time too many. He slipped a $10 million project for Lamar University into the Clinton administration’s crime bill but lost when Republicans made it a national symbol of congressional boondoggling.
Jeb Bush, Republican, Dade County, Florida. Nothing personal, but if a governor named Bush is going to be a big shot Republican, it might as well be ours.
Congressman Michael Huffington, Republican, Santa Barbara, California. The son of megarich Texas oilman Roy Huffington tried to buy a U.S. Senate seat, spending $28 million of his own money, but lost after incumbent Dianne Feinstein ran ads calling Huffington “the Texas oil millionaire Californians can’t trust.”
Craig Washington, Democrat, Houston. He missed 80 percent of the roll-call votes cast in Congress for the year, including 68 votes in a row. When the streak ended on October 4, the Houston Post headlined the event REP. WASHINGTON SHOWS UP FOR VOTE.
They’ll Look Great at the Museum of Modern Heart
In an effort to convince children that high-fat foods are bad for them, the Austin Children’s Museum persuaded three local chefs to carve 75-pound blocks of lard into sculptures.
Formerly Known as the Killer Beehive
Independent Business magazine polled readers to choose their favorite business name, and the winner was the Curl Up and Dye beauty show in Dumas.
We Nominate John Mackovic
After a Singapore judge sentenced American teenager Michael Fay to six lashes with a rattan cane for committing vandalism, Harlingen South High School assistant football coach Daniel Vogler volunteered to go to Singapore to take Fay’s punishment.
Murder, He Wrote
As a prank, Wheeler County sheriff Jim Adams obtained human bones from a junkyard, placed them under a bridge near Shamrock, and sent an unsigned note to the Shamrock Police Department intended to make police chief Bruce Burrell think that a murder had been committed.
But Texas Was on Your Side, Ed
Former attorney general Ed Meese confirmed published reports that the Reagan administration helped bring about the collapse in oil prices that plunged Texas into a recession in 1986 for reasons that included hurting the Soviet Union.
His Escape Counts as One
The radio and television commercials for the Reverend Mike Evans’ God Bless Cambodia crusade promised that “blind eyes will open, the paralyzed will walk,” but the Euless evangelist was forced to flee that country when an angry crowd rioted outside his hotel over his failure to perform miracles.
Better to Give . . . The Bum Steers Catalog.
Hemp Today, a book about the hemp plant and derivative industries, including a discussion of whether hemp is “the miracle plant which can save the planet,” with an introduction by Willie Nelson, from Quick American Archives, Oakland, California, for $19.95.
Bib-Elite, a dressy bib for eating out, available in two styles (Tuxedo and Princess) from Eat Elite Company in Conroe for $13.95.
Clutch City, a board game about the Houston Rockets, offered by mail from Allen Olafson in Missouri City for $27.50.
One sixth of the $5.4 billion South Texas Nuclear Power Plant, advertised in the Wall Street Journal by the City of Austin, for $900 million.
Texas Speed Bump Coaster, resembling a roadkill armadillo with tire tracks on its back, sold at Granny’s Corner Craft, San Antonio, for $4.75 each.
Rockets Wit, a collection of sayings by the NBA champion Houston Rockets (“Choke City? Where is Choke City now?”—Hakeem Olajuwon), compiled by Andrew Merz, available by mail from Mertz in West Chester, Pennsylvania, for $5.95.
Autographed satin panties, worn by legendary stripper Candy Barr, signed in silver with a drawing of a heart, from Norma’s Jeans collectibles, Bethesda, Maryland, for $135.
Players jewelry, featuring “action-packed images of Dallas Cowboys players” in 14-karat gold and sterling silver, manufactured by ChamCor of Fort Worth and sold at selected J.C. Penney stores; prices range from $30 to $350.
NFL Cologne for Men, featuring the Dallas Cowboys logo, offered by Shiara, Inc., of Shaumburg, Illinois, for $25 for a 3.4-ounce bottle.
Miracles by Mail, a lifesize poster of evangelist Robert Tilton and instructions for his 21-Day Prayer of Agreement Miracle Campaign (“For the next 21 days, I want you to place your hand on top of mine here. Agree with me and say out loud in faith, ‘I stand in agreement with Bob and believe God for my miracle!’”), distributed for “an offering in faith to Him” each week made in care of Robert Tilton Ministries in Dallas.
Voices of Fire, a CD featuring two songs written and performed by David Koresh along with an hour-long sermon by the late Branch Davidian leader, on the Junior’s Motel label, for $14.99.
Diamond in the shape of Mickey Mouse, 4.06 carats, from I.W. Marks Jewelers in Houston for $50,000.
Anna Nicole Smith 1995 Calendar, with pinup poses of the Playboy Playmate of the Year, available by calling 1-800-365-YEAR, for $11.99.
My Library
