The Award Winners
(Page 2 of 3)
One Subdivision, One Ranger
The final six homes in a subdivision being razed to make way for a new runway for Dallas–Fort Worth Airport were blown up by a television crew to provide footage for the season premiere of CBS’s Walker, Texas Ranger.
Right Up Until He Shot Them
The Concordia Heritage Association in El Paso filed suit to prevent John Billings, the great-grandson of John Wesley Hardin, from exhuming the gunslinger’s remains and reburying them in Nixon. Billings said that his goal was “to bring him back to Gonzales County, where the memory of him is better served by people who knew what he was…He was a victim of the times and he was viewed by many, many people as a friend.”
She Might Hit You With a Spoon
After Kay Bailey Hutchison won the Congressional Chili Cook-Off using a recipe that included kidney beans, Governor George W. Bush was asked at a press conference what he thought of someone who would eat chili with beans. Bush said, “Probably someone I don’t want to be around the next day.”
On Second Thought, Virginia, the Answer Is No
A man dressed in a Santa Claus suit robbed the Truck Stops of America Country Pride restaurant in Baytown of $5,000 and escaped by hijacking a taxi.
Throws Right, Bites Left
As part of its community relations program, the Austin Police Department distributed trading cards to kids featuring photos, vital statistics, and arrest records of the six-member canine unit.
This, Your Honor, Is an Emotionally Oriented Business
After a judge ruled that the Sports Fantasy Bar and Grille in Fort Worth violated rules banning sexually oriented businesses within a thousand feet of parks and residential areas, owner John Michael Schlueter opened a new business in the same location called Peckers.
They’ll Get Even on St. Valentine’s Day
The state Republican party gave mob nicknames to seven Texas Democrats who had voted against the GOP crime bill, including Johnny “Baby Face” Bryant, Ken “Knuckles” Bentsen, and Charlie “the Catman” Wilson.
She Thought He Meant Half the Coffee
R. C. Mills of Coahoma filed suit against Carol Rains, a waitress at Herman’s Restaurant who had served him coffee, claiming that he bought two lottery tickets and gave what proved to be the winning ticket to her. He sued her for $6,435,210 plus $3 million for mental anguish, $3 million in punitive damages, and $4,717,605 in attorney’s fees for refusing to split the pot.
One More Small Step for Man
After NASA scientists found that woodpeckers had punched holes in the space shuttle Discovery’s external tank insulation, they deployed a fake owl to scare away the birds.
King of the Wild Front Row
During a Texas-Louisiana League baseball game between the Lubbock Crickets and the Abilene Prairie Dogs, umpires Mel Chettum and Vince Price ejected everyone in the press box except the public address announcer, as well as the Lubbock team mascot, Davy Crickett.
What Mike Hath Joined, Let No Hunter Rend Asunder
Galveston County justice of the peace Mike Nelson performed a marriage ceremony for Bonnie and Shorty, two endangered white rhinoceroses, at Bayou Wildlife Park near Dickinson.
They Wanted to Attend Bonnie and Shorty’s Wedding
Houston zoo officials temporarily abandoned attempts to move two hippopotamuses to the Kansas City, Missouri, zoo after the hippos resisted efforts to get them into a trailer for the trip.
Suspicions Confirmed: There Are More Real Texans in Santa Fe Than in Austin
Following protests by customers, the new branch of the Coyote Cafe in Austin decided to reduce the chile seasonings in its dishes below the level used at its flagship restaurant in Santa Fe.
Especially Dodos
In Eagle Lake, which bills itself as the “Goose-Hunting Capital of the World,” sponsors of the first annual Attwater’s Prairie Chicken Festival adopted a new motto: “Eagle Lake: It’s for the Birds.”
Which One Was Freckles?
Members of the frequently bickering El Paso City Council pledged to be nice to each other in an oath administered by Freckles the Clown.
Tonight, a 100 Percent Chance of Incarceration
A Houston man held off a SWAT team for four hours by threatening to harm his family with a knife, then surrendered when it started to rain, telling officers that he didn’t want them to get wet.
How About “Well Read?”
The San Antonio Express-News held a contest to name the color of the city’s new central library that drew almost one thousand entries (such as “Bleeding Heart Liberal Red”), in which the winner was “Enchilada Red.”
Next Time, Try McDonald’s
Asking for $1.48 million in damages, Annie McNeil of Gurdon, Arkansas, sued a Texarkana, Texas, Whataburger outlet for burns she suffered when hot coffee spilled on her.
Big Deal. Where Was He in Desert Storm?
Elbert Lewis of Odessa received a notice that he had failed to register with the Selective Service System on his eighteenth birthday as required by law. Lewis turned eighteen in 1932 and served in World War II.
First There Was Two-na Fish, Then Nine Lives, And the Rest Were Easy
Linda McManamon of Galveston won the Texas lottery with numbers selected by her cat, Skipper.
Make That “Iglesia la Oscuridad del Mundo”
Hundreds of people flocked to the wall of a home in East Austin to pray to an image of the Virgin Mary cast by a light from a nearby church, but they were disappointed when Pastor Pablo Perez of Iglesia la Luz del Mundo ordered the light turned off.
Whaddaya Mean “Somewhat”?
In Beijing to address food- production executives at the same time that the United Nations Fourth World Conference on Women was being held in the city, former president George Bush said, “I feel somewhat sorry for the Chinese, having Bella Abzug running around in China.”
With Texas’ New High Standards, Those Kids Shouldn’t Have Gotten More Than a B Plus
The principal at Sunset High School in Dallas was demoted following the discovery that he had authorized hundreds of students to receive A’s for a phantom course that had no teacher and required no work.
And If It Were in Demand, We’d Use a Straw Mushroom
Women readers of Houston Life magazine protested a doctor’s ad touting breast-reduction surgery that featured a pair of pendulous eggplants. One caller asked why the magazine didn’t have an ad using a cucumber for a penis, to which magazine spokesman Charles Eldred replied, “We would, but penis reduction isn’t in great demand.”
Retraction Noted—But We’ll Never Buy Raisin Bran Again
Following complaints by cereal companies, the University of Texas retracted a press release containing a professor’s warning that “everyone who eats breakfast cereal has swallowed his or her share of rat droppings.”
“We’re Safe. No One Here Is a Legionnaire”
In an effort to persuade El Paso city officials to repair the ventilation system at Tillman Health Center, the City-County Health and Environmental District ordered that the air-conditioning water be tested for the bacterium that causes tuberculosis. The tests revealed that the water contained the bacterium that causes Legionnaires’ disease.
Fortunately, Both of New Hampshire’s Union Workers Are Teetotalers
The New Hampshire AFL-CIO distributed a newsletter at its convention that said, “Hope everyone had a great convention. Drive home safely, and remember: If you must drink and drive, try to do it when Phil Gramm is crossing the street.”
Mr. Crawford, You Have The Right to Remain Silent— And We’d Appreciate It If You Would Five
Louisiana youths were arrested after they drove up behind a car on Houston’s North Loop, flashed red and blue lights to make it pull over, and identified themselves as police officers to the driver, Lieutenant Phillip Crawford of the Houston Police Department.
“Fuchsia Road” Finished a Close Second
After repeated thefts of the signs for Lovers Lane near Jacksboro, Jack County commissioners voted to change the name of the route to Red Road.
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