The Award Winners
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The Scales of Justice Are Off-Limits Too
The Texas Board of Criminal Justice voted to provide only photocopies of law books to prisoners who were confined to their cells, because many of them were binding the books together so that they could keep up with their weightlifting.
Today’s Special: Asphalt Relleno
A belt securing cargo on a flatbed truck traveling through El Paso snapped on a curve, causing 17,000 pounds of New Mexico green chiles to fall off onto Interstate 10.
She Hid So Many Children, She Didn’t Know What to Do
Agnes Anderson of Missouri City surrendered her registration to state child-welfare caseworkers following an inspection of her day care center, during which they discovered that she was hiding fourteen children in the attic so that she would not appear to be taking care of more children than are allowed by law.
He’s From the Postoperative School
Surgeons performing a liver transplant on Dallas actor Larry Hagman collected his gallstones and gave them to artist Barton Benes of New York, a friend of Hagman’s who specializes in using strange objects in his work.
The Last Straw Was The Banner That Said “The Rangers Can’t Score But You Can”
Responding to intervention by Congressman Joe Barton, three airplane banner-towing companies agreed to stop flights over the Ballpark in Arlington touting topless clubs during Rangers games.
Bud . . . Wise . . . Not
Phillip Brian Terry was arrested in Galveston ten minutes after robbing a NationsBank branch of $7,000 in $100 bills after he walked across the street from the bank and bought a six-pack of beer with one of the bills.
Just Like Prince William Sound
Laredo oilman Tony Sanchez, Jr., a former Texas Parks and Wildlife commissioner, defended his right to operate wells on state park land by saying, “There would be no greater joy than to see a beautiful park that our children and adults can go to and learn about the oil and gas industry.”
And Sure Enough, They Beat SMU This Year
Asked before the start of the football season about Texas A&M’s chances for a national championship, Aggie wide receiver Chris Sanders said, “We’re like Mike Tyson. When Mike was in jail, he knew he was better. When we were on probation, it made us hungry.”
Off the Road Again
Grammy nominee Willie Nelson did not attend the ceremony in Los Angeles because he remained in Waco to attend a pretrial hearing on charges of possession of marijuana.
Fun Couple of the Year
During dinner at a New York restaurant called Pomp, Duck, and Circumstance, Prince Rainier of Monaco slapped a waiter doing a comedy routine when a thrown object landed near his dinner companion, Lynn Wyatt.
Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Stardust
A Houston-based company, Celestis, announced an offer to transport cremated remains into orbit around the earth, so that the ashes will blaze up like shooting stars as they fall through the atmosphere.
Where the Deer and the Antelope Aren’t the Only Ones Who Play
A buffalo belonging to Joe Embro of Commerce twice jumped over a fence and ran away seeking romance with Bonita, a cow in a nearby pasture.
But He Set a New Record Time for the Event
Authorities in Grand County, Colorado, charged rodeo champion Ty Murray of Stephenville with harassing wildlife after they found photographs of Murray sitting on a cow elk that he had chased down with a snowmobile.
Thank Goodness IBM Wasn’t in the Article
Accepting changes suggested by the spell-checker in a computer program, the Dallas Morning News referred to Intel as Until and Microsoft as Microvolts.
The Other 23,522 Got Their Money’s Worth
As a goodwill gesture to their fans, the Houston Astros gave away all 54,350 tickets to the May 12 game against the Phila-delphia Phillies, but only 30,828 people showed up.
Right. Like Going to Jayle
After receiving a speeding ticket in Llano County, Charles L. Duncan of Waco wrote a letter to Llano County justice of the peace Corkey Virdell saying that “being a J.P. in Waco . . . has really taken the time away from this matter.” After Duncan’s subsequent arrest for impersonating a public servant (he had lost a race for McLennan County justice of the peace in November 1994), he explained, “It was a typo.”
Surf ‘N’ Turmoil
An animal rights activist rescued a twelve-pound lobster that was about to be given away as a prize in Decatur and returned it to the ocean in Kennebunkport, Maine.
Starting at the Top
John Cunningham, the son of University of Texas chancellor William Cunningham, enrolled as a freshman at Texas A&M after losing a bet on the 1994 Aggie-Longhorn game. “I couldn’t be happier,” the younger Cunningham said. “It’s a totally different environment. The people are much nicer.”
The White House Blamed It on Newt
An elevator at the Four Seasons Hotel in Houston shut down for twenty minutes, trapping Vice President Al Gore and actor Tommy Lee Jones inside.
Sometimes They’re Good For Population Control Too
Corpus Christi mayoral candidate Tom Nix criticized a proposed city contract to buy 76,000 acre-feet of water from the Garwood Irrigation Company, suggesting that a “good hurricane” might be the solution. “In coastal regions like here,” Nix said, “hurricanes have always been a great source of water. It’s an alternative source that I don’t think the city has given much thought to.”
Medium Bare Would Have Been Okay
Protesters in Longview forced the closure of the East Texas Chicken Ranch, a totally nude steakhouse.
Hi, I’m Bonnie. I’ll Be Your Server Today. For Our Salad Course, We Have Cucumber Flea Beetle. Our Entrées Are Deer Fly and Filet of Silverfish Dusted in Flour Moth and Sautéed in Butterfly. Each Entrée Comes With a Vegetable Medley of Harlequin Cabbage Bug, Squash Bug, And Potato Beetle. For Dessert, You Have Your Choice of Fresh Fruit Fly or Peachtree Borer. How About a Botfly of Wine?
The Insect Expo in Dallas, sponsored by the Entomological Society of America, featured an insect cuisine booth staffed by Texas A&M scientist Bonnie Pendleton, who served visitors stir-fried mealworms and crickets.
Th-th-that’s Not All, Folks
A contestant at the Tyler County Fair was disqualified after he put a garden hose down his pig’s throat and turned it on in an effort to add weight to his entry.
Hecho en Mexico
Darlene Axberg of Kilgore requested a Texas flag that flew over the state capitol on her father’s birthday, Texas Independence Day, and received one that was inauthentic, with the red stripe incorrectly on top when the star is pointing upward. Horse 54, Where Are You? A fugitive in Amarillo evaded sheriff’s deputies by stealing a bicycle, only to be apprehended when a citizen on horseback roped him with a lariat.
Officers, Employers, and Founders Excluded
Darrell Frank of Fort Worth, whose criminal record includes convictions for burglary, larceny, and aggravated assault, founded an anti-crime organization called Dead Serious. It sold memberships for $10 and offered a $5,000 reward if a member defending his family, home, or personal property killed a criminal.
Except for Having Sex With Madonna
San Antonio Spurs coach Bob Hill said of forward Dennis Rodman, “You go beyond the hair, tattoos, and the earrings, and he’s like you and I.”
If You Don’t Fix, We Do Nix
Just before the jury verdict in the O. J. Simpson case was announced, 24 inmates in the Bowie County jail refused to do kitchen duty because their television set was broken.
The Rest Were Calling Long Distance From Nashville
Houston Oilers owner Bud Adams signed an agreement to move the team to Nashville. When Adams first indicated that he was talking with Nashville officials, more than 80 percent of the callers to the Houston Chronicle’s comment line said they would like to see the team leave town.
The Blue Ribbon Went to the Cute One Who Could Roll Over And Play Dead
Kinney County sheriff Norman Hooten was fined $2,500 and put on probation after he attended an illegal pit bull dogfight that he said he thought was a dog show.
Just Add 110 Gallons Of Water and Stir At Your Own Risk
The San Antonio Police Department called in the bomb squad to disarm a 55-gallon drum filled with fermenting tomato paste that was on the verge of exploding.
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