The Award Winners
Jeffrey Dahmer Would Have Loved It
The Houston Chronicle food section offered a stew recipe that called for “1 1⁄2 pounds skinless, boneless children breasts or thighs.”
At Least He Left the Punch and Cookies
A robber hit a neighborhood branch of the Security State Bank of Abilene the same day that the bank celebrated Customer Appreciation Day.
<Ctrl> Yourself
At a New York computer trade show, Compaq senior vice president Ross Cooley charged that rival Packard Bell Electronics did little more than assemble computers from parts made by other companies. If Packard Bell’s executives sold their stock, Cooley said, the company would be left with nothing but “some Mexican factories and four Chinese engineers.”
Ladies and Gentlemen, The Next President of the United States
(The newspaper clipping shown with this comment is not available online.)It Was a Dispute Over a Game of Race Cards
Arlington Star-Telegram editor Jim Witt disbanded a group of readers serving as a mock jury watching the O. J. Simpson trial after just four weeks, when one panelist had to be physically restrained from attacking another.
First You Trade Your Third Baseman, Then You Try to Skip Town
The Center for Corporate Renewal in Houston held a two-hour seminar for presidents, CEOs, and CFOs of companies with revenues of $2.5 million to $250 million on “Survival in Turbulent Times,” featuring Drayton McLane, the owner of the Houston Astros, speaking on “The Turnaround of the Houston Astros—Becoming a Champion.”
We’ve Known That for Years
Secretary of Housing and Urban De-velopment Henry Cisneros, when asked “How’s your airport?” by a fellow airline passenger who mistook him for former Denver mayor and current Secretary of Transportation Fede-rico Peña, answered “You’ve got the wrong Hispanic.”
He Was in Fine Spirits Too
Juan Pelico of Houston was discovered in good condition after going without food for a week when he was accidentally locked inside a bar that is open only on Saturday nights.
The PCB Sauce Was a Killer
Lucius Lowell Flanagan of Houston was sentenced to ten years’ probation and his two sons were sentenced to prison for selling drums that had previously been filled with chemical waste as barbecue pits.
Where’s Willie Horton When You Need Him?
To tout their hometown, Port Arthur boosters dressed up in alligator costumes to meet with Governor George W. Bush at the state capitol.
Praise the Lord and Pass the Ammunition
A member of the New Hope Christian Fellowship Church in Plano offered a handgun certification class taught in the church sanctuary.
Actually, Bill Has Fame Too
Appearing on HBO’s Real Sports With Bryant Gumbel, Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones said, “There’s no ego in my life. But fifteen, twenty years ago, I was wandering around Arkansas, and Bill Clinton was. Who would have ever thought that one would go on to power, prestige, and fame. And the other would end up as president of the United States.”
In Sickness and in Wealth
Gifford Riney of Bullard sued his former wife, Hilda Stanley, for $2.15 million plus punitive damages when he learned that before she had their marriage annulled, she had won $4.3 million in the Texas lottery.
That’s What We Were Afraid of
Defending the Reverend William Hoover of St. Patrick’s Cathedral in Fort Worth, who resigned after his admission that 38 years ago he had sexually abused a 12-year-old boy, parishioner Fern Bombardier said, “He is very well liked and well respected here, and he has touched a great many people.”
There’s Activity in the Pen
Texas Rangers relief pitcher Ed Vosberg received a citation outside the Ballpark in Arlington for illegally trying to scalp four tickets to the All-Star Game.
America’s Fishiest Home Videos
Port Isabel High School band director Joe Martinez resigned following revelations that he had tried to nab a thief by conducting videotape surveillance of a room where girls changed clothes for band practice.
What We Want to Know Is, Could He Have Done This in Port Isabel?
After students at Canyon Vista Middle School in Round Rock vandalized the boys’ bathroom by urinating on rolls of toilet paper, principal Don Dalton apprehended a perpetrator by crawling into the ceiling and moving a ceiling tile so that he could peek into the restroom.
He’s Been Made an Honorary Alumnus of Canyon Vista Middle School
Robert Moore of Dallas was convicted of littering in Independence, Kansas, after he flew over the town in a rented single-engine plane trying to prove his boast that he could drop a roll of toilet paper on Main Street.
A Classic Case of Enos Envy
In an action that drew heavy criticism, the Texas Southern University regents, faced with high administrative turnover and low morale among faculty and students, elected as its new chairman former Houston Astro Enos Cabell, who attended community college for one year.
What’s the Velocity, Kenneth?
CBS Evening News anchor Dan Rather went to Panama City, Florida, to report live on Hurricane Opal.
“Had I Been Born With a Bra, I Would Not Have Been Prosecuted”
A Harris County jury convicted Angelina Carreras of disorderly conduct after she bared her top at Sylvan Beach in La Porte. “Had I not been born with breasts, I would not have been prosecuted,” she said. “It’s not for attention. It’s for civil rights.”
Will Ignore for Ever
As part of a campaign to discourage contributions to panhandlers, the Trinity Ministry to the Poor in Dallas designed windshield stickers that featured a red slash across a beggar holding a “Will Work for Food” sign.
Next Thing You Know, They’ll Let Women Go to School There
After the Texas A&M administration objected that the A&M College Republicans had violated school rules in a fund-raising campaign to fight a proposed multiculturalism class, state Republican party chairman Tom Pauken charged that Texas A&M is no longer the conservative institution it once was.
The Stock Opened at 38D
Rick’s Cabaret International in Houston filed a registration statement with the Securities and Exchange Commission for the purpose of becoming the first publicly traded topless bar.
Make That “the Church On the Block”
To avoid being sold at auction, Rockwall Church on the Rock, one of the nation’s largest religious complexes, filed for Chapter 11 after creditors said it defaulted on $12 million in bonds.
She Wanted to Call Her Therapist
A woman wearing an orange bikini and cowboy boots, with tattoos on her stomach and shoulder, a fake knife sticking out of her head, and fake blood all over her, approached Baylor University student Kevin Claxton in the parking lot of a Waco convenience store and asked him for a quarter. When Claxton said that he didn’t have one, she kicked him, chased him into the store, and then jumped on top of his Ford Thunderbird and started kicking it.
Have You Considered An Eternal Light Bulb?
Moore County commissioners voted to relight the eternal flame, a tribute to veterans in the courthouse square, after years of letting it burn only on holidays because of high gas costs. One month later, after a gas bill of $1,032, county judge Billie Faye Schumacher ordered it extinguished.
Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night
Bruce Storey, 91, was charged with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon after he stabbed 80-year-old Horace Vines in an argument over a 77-year-old woman, who subdued Storey by hitting him over the head with her cane until police officers broke up the altercation at the Retirement Inn of Fort Worth.
Never Give Up. Never. Never. Never. Never. Never. Never. Never. Never. Never. Never. Never. Never. Never. Never. Never. Never
In an acknowledged effort to have a lawsuit heard by a particular Nueces County judge, attorneys Robert C. Hilliard of Corpus Christi and Andrew Schirrmeister III of Houston filed the same case seventeen times until it was randomly assigned to the court of district judge Manuel Banales.
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