The Awards
(Page 2 of 3)
The Rent in Port Arthur Got Too High
Plumber Jarrell Rowell was doing repair work on leaky pipes in a Lubbock duplex when he found an alligator living underneath the floor.
No Big Deal. They Just Fell Asleep
Tarrant County jail officials documented 35 cases of inmates who suffered injuries after crashing to the floor from top bunks.
Not to Mention “Fun”
Just before his retirement from Congress, Charles Wilson of Lufkin thanked his constituents for continuing to support him despite a flamboyant career filled with romantic escapades and brushes with the law that earned him the nickname Good-Time Charlie. Speaking at an Angelina County Chamber of Commerce luncheon, Wilson confessed that his conduct had been “erratic,” “unconventional,” “reckless,” and “rowdy.”
Repeat After Me: ¿Donde Está el Shiv?
In hopes of reducing recidivism, the Texas Department of Criminal Justice developed a counseling and training program to teach “culturally specific programming” to inmates so that prisoners of different races will become more tolerant of each other and be better able to communicate.
Sorry. Make That a Big Hypocrite
Houston city councilman Joe Roach, who is a dwarf, complained that city controller Lloyd Kelley made a slur about his size when he called him a “little hypocrite.”
And What Was Snow White Doing Living With Seven Men?
Laura McLary and Tracy Spikes filed suit in Lufkin against the Walt Disney Company, accusing Disney of including subliminal sexual messages in The Little Mermaid (“a minister, performing a marriage ceremony, is shown as having an erection”), Aladdin (a voice that whispers “take off your clothes”), and The Lion King (a cloud of dust, grass, and flower petals forms the word “sex”).
He Had a Change of Heart
In a lawsuit by Cinemark USA against the City of Dallas, a Cinemark official testified in a deposition that then-mayor Steve Bartlett had explained why he had stopped supporting Cinemark’s zoning permit for a controversial theater complex near Bartlett’s home: “If he supported the project, his wife would not give him any nooky.”
First You Put an Arch Over The Tower of the Americas, Then Widen the Riverwalk
After the San Antonio Conservation Society, the sponsors of the celebration A Night in Old San Antonio, decidedfor the first time in the fifty-year history of the event not to serve locally brewed beer and opted for Budweiser and other Anheuser-Busch beers instead, a disappointed Lutz Issleib, the president of Pearl Brewing Company in San Antonio, said that the name of the event should be changed to A Night in Old Saint Louis.
No Runs, No Hits, One Error, One Man Way Off Base
Future Hall of Fame pitcher Nolan Ryan, now the pitching coach for the Texas Christian University baseball team, was ejected from a game between TCU and Rice by umpire Tim Henderson after he protested a called strike against a TCU batter. “I think that the umpires decided to single me out … ” Ryan said afterward. “They overreact to me more than other coaches.”
They Were Just Trying to Add a Little Joy to Life
The Tarrant County jail served a cake that made inmates sick because it was contaminated with a lemon-scented detergent.
Make That the Big 24
Baylor president Robert Sloan threatened to take disciplinary action, including possible expulsion, against any student who participated in the October Playboy magazine feature “Girls of the Big 12.”
These Cases Could Give a Whole New Meaning to “Community Service”
Fort Worth officials acknowledged that the city was owed more than $3 million in uncollected fines resulting from a backlog of 64,000 unprocessed citations for prostitution.
God Bless You for Defending Our Way of Life
When General Norman Schwarz-kopf was the honored guest and speaker at the 1996 Living Legends Luncheon in Dallas, the tables were draped with camouflage cloth and decorated with flowers in mess kits and helmets. The underwriting categories included the Stealth Bomber, the Tomahawk Missile, the Scud Buster, and the Wild Weasel, and the dessert was a chocolate tank filled with Butterfinger mousse.
Lee Godfrey Could Have Done the Job in 48 Hours
After intense public ridicule, the Austin City Council
rescinded its decision to create a $45,000-a-year position for a Pedestrian Coordinator.
Catch as Catch Can’t
Houston Astros catcher Jerry Goff tied a major league record by allowing six passed balls in one game.
What’s Baseless About It?
Rating Texas as the most annoying state in the country, New York–based SPY magazine wrote, “Texas may not be the worst place in the country (that title belongs to the District of Columbia . . . ), but like the vulgar, free-wheeling yahoos that reside there, the former Lone Star Republic is bigger, louder, and full of more baseless braggadocio than any other state.”
Just Hide It in Cocaine and You’ll Have No Trouble Getting It Through
Rita Orozco of Newport, Delaware, was arrested along with three accomplices in Laredo and charged with offering U.S. Customs inspectors a bribe to let them bring unauthenticated mole sauce into the United States.
The Kidneys Due Process It
In a lawsuit brought by former Dallas Cowboy Clayton Holmes against the National Football League, contending that the NFL’s drug-testing policy violated his constitutional rights, Florida attorney Grady Irvin was sanctioned by U.S. district judge Sidney A. Fitz-water for the frivolous argument that the “urine of everyone is constitutionally protected.”
There Goes the Neighborhood
WMF Investments and William M. Friedrichs, who had announced plans to operate an all-nude restaurant in Webster, sued the city for harming their property values by issuing a building permit on nearby land for a private Christian school.
Starck Raving Mad
After Dennis Rodman and the other new owners of the Starck MCMXCVI nightclub in Dallas were enjoined by the previous owner to prevent them from using the Starck name, the owners changed the name, pending a resolution of the case, to “The Club Formerly Known As.”
When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough Get Terminix
The La Villa High School Cardinals lost their football game at Benavides, 16–0, after falling behind 9–0 on the first two plays of the game and then having their bench area invaded by tarantulas.
In the Name of the Father, The Son, and the Holy Cow
The Dayton Ministerial Alliance gave the Henley unit at the Dayton state jail a stock tank to use as a baptistery.
Gefilte Fish Might Have Swung the Election
Congressman Steve Stockman of Friendswood criticized Bill Clinton for offering U.S. aid to Israel in hopes of building support for the election of Shimon Peres as prime minister in a statement that read in part, “The Israeli electorate rejected President Clinton and the pork he offered Israeli voters … ”
Just Another Arkansan Busted for Tampering With Government Documents
University of Arkansas English professor Dwain Edgar Manske was apprehended near Presidio and charged with felony theft for stealing a rare copy of an 1869 indictment accusing gunslinger John Wesley Hardin of attempted murder.
Give Us This Day Our Daily Biscuits
The Olsen Park Baptist Church of Amarillo founded the Country Church, with casual dress and a Western atmosphere, in the rear dining room of the Big Texan Steak Ranch restaurant.
Just a Little Over Three Years to Go
After almost four years as president of Criswell College seminary in Dallas, Richard Melick, Jr., resigned following a theological dispute with W. A. Criswell, the namesake and chancellor of the college. Both parties believe that before the Second Coming of Christ, there will be seven years of great tribulation, and the church will be transported to heaven by a method called rapture. Criswell believes that the seven years of tribulation will follow the rapture; Melick believes that the seven-year tribulation will precede the rapture.
The Netscape Cakes Are Better Anyway
Miss King’s Kitchens of Sherman, the maker of YA-HOO! cakes, sued Yahoo!, Inc., of Sunnyvale, California, a search service for the World Wide Web. The bakery claimed that the similarities in the companies’ names and logos could confuse consumers into believing that Miss King’s products are really the products of the software company.
AlphaSweet Was Too Obvious
Leonard Pike, the director of the Vegetable Improvement Center at Texas A&M, and a panel of thirteen people met to choose the winner of a contest to name the maroon carrot that Pike has developed. After rejecting such suggestions as Twelfth Man Carrot, Gig ’Em Carrot, Bunny’s Best, and High Noon Maroon, the panel selected BetaSweet.
Great Taste. More Filling
In an attempt to steal beer from a closed convenience store, Felix Rivera of San Antonio crawled through a rooftop air vent, in which he became stuck.
They Only Kill Their Peer Reviewers
Researchers at the University of Texas Health Science Center in Houston determined that the breeds of dogs most likely to bite humans are chow chows, German shepherds, rottweilers, Labrador retrievers, and pit bull terriers.
Well, Will You Accept Federal Express?
Citing state law that requires mail-in ballots to be received through the U.S. mail, Texas Secretary of State Tony Garza refused to allow orbiting astronaut John Blaha to send his absentee ballot by e-mail.
Newspapers Burn Better
The University of Houston student newspaper, The Daily Cougar, ran a political cartoon showing two members of the College Republicans standing in front of a swastika, one of them displaying a sign that read “Burn the Homeless.”
A Few More Bumps on the Head and He’ll Be Ready To Run for President
The first driver to crash a NASCAR-Winston Cup racecar at the still-unfinished Texas International Raceway near Fort Worth, who was uninjured despite hitting the wall during a practice run at 150 miles per hour, was Ross Perot, Jr.
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