The Awards
(Page 3 of 3)
While You’re at It, Plug His Oil Wells
When a fourteen-year-old Muslim student at Bedford Junior High ignored the instructions of shop instructor and tennis coach Joel Graves to stop throwing trash on the cafeteria floor, Graves told the student, “I’ll burn your tent and kill your camel.”
The Night of the Ax
A quarrel in east Travis County resulted in minor injuries when a man stabbed his brother-in-law, whose iguana had bitten him on the nose, and then was hit with an ax.
They Got the Feathered-Friends-Fly-Free Rate
The Rogers Wildlife Rehabilitation Center in Mesquite rescued ten cattle egrets from their drought-afflicted summer rookery near Balch Springs, but when workers at the center attempted to return the birds to the wild, they found that the rest of the egrets had flown south for the winter. The egrets then had to be flown to Corpus Christi on Southwest Airlines.
The Real Site Is Odessa
Midland city officials told the Midland Reporter-Telegram that persistent rumors of a large land purchase outside the city by Walt Disney Company for a desert theme park were untrue.
That’s Short for Gullible
Construction worker Gary Brooks of Uvalde dropped out of the race for Congress from the 9th Congressional District in southeast Texas, which was represented from 1953 to 1995 by Jack Brooks of Beaumont, after he was sued for wrongfully listing his name on the ballot as “G. Jack Brooks.”
Forget the Alamo. Remember the Kremlin
Ninety-three-year-old U.S. senator Strom Thurmond, campaigning for reelection in his hometown of Edgefield, South Carolina, reminded an audience of the famous Americans who came from Edgefield County, among them, Alamo defender William Barret Travis. Thurmond’s accolade for Travis began: “He’s the guy, that with three thousand Russians threatening to attack … ”
Just Say Stupid
Officials at Riverwood Middle School in Humble suspended thirteen-year-old honor student Brooke Olson after drug-sniffing police dogs found a bottle of Advil that she had inadvertently left in her backpack.
He Loved the Embalmy Climate
After Victor Ajax Browning of Wimberley died at age 83, he was dressed in jogging clothes and a red corduroy cap, put in the back seat of his 1990 Cadillac, and granted his wish to be driven by his son and grandson to California for cremation.
Strom Thinks He Took It Off a Dead Russian
The San Antonio Planet Hollywood restaurant, part of a chain known for displaying movie memorabilia, displayed a uniform worn briefly by Laurence Harvey, who played William Barret Travis in the 1960 film The Alamo, but returned it to Los Angeles for verification after customers insisted it was bogus.
Please Don’t Let Oliver Stone Find Out About This
For $25 Paul Crute of Dallas offered tourists the opportunity to ride in an open-top limousine through Dealey Plaza, retracing the route taken by President John F. Kennedy on November 22, 1963. The taped sounds of a cheering crowd resound in the car, interrupted by the sounds of shots as the limousine passes the former Texas School Book Depository. A radio announcer says, “It appears as though something has happened in the motorcade route,” and then the limo gathers speed for the drive to Parkland hospital. The tour ends at the Parkland emergency entrance, where the radio announcer relates that Kennedy has received last rites.
It’s Coming Through Now … One Went to Market. One Stayed Home. One Had Roast Beef. One Had None … and the Rest Ran Into the Big Bad Wolf
After ten pigs disappeared from the Special Pals animal shelter in western Harris County, shelter director Salise Shuttlesworth agreed to let a woman who claimed to have psychic powers see if she could learn anything from two pigs that had been left behind.
If Lindale Can Do It, Why Can’t Arafat and Netanyahu?
Following shouting confrontations and violent collisions between elderly ballroom and line dancers over disputed dance floor space at Corpus Christi dance halls, the Lindale Senior Citizens Center used yellow tape to divide the dance floor between the two kinds of dancers.
QED
After the Randall County Historical Commission protested a plan to demolish the 1909 county courthouse in Canyon, the county government’s legal adviser said that the county shouldn’t allow volunteers from the historical commission to lead tours of the courthouse “unless the county is wanting to take the responsibility every time one of those dingdongs gets hurt”—whereupon Brian Barrett, the chairman of the historical commission, held a news conference to protest being called a dingdong.
Gimme an Arch Deluxe and Two Beethoven Sonatas
To drive away loiterers and street toughs, a McDonald’s restaurant in downtown Dallas began playing classical music inside and outside the restaurant.
Hey Kid. Wanna Go Read the Bible?
University Park police were summoned to a grocery store after a ten-year-old boy was approached by an elderly stranger. When the police arrived, they found that the boy had failed to recognize his Sunday School teacher.
That’s No Tower. That’s J.R.’s Drilling Rig
Romanian millionaire Alexandru Ilie developed a ranch resort near Slobozia patterned after Southfork Ranch in the Dallas TV series where visitors can tour the ranch, ride horses, stay in Texas-style ranch houses, and enjoy a 132-foot-tall replica of the Eiffel Tower.
He Had Another Booking
Dallas Cowboys hater Sam Young received nationwide publicity when he was fired from a Minyard grocery store in Dallas for refusing to take off a Green Bay Packers jersey while at work on the day before the Cowboys played the Packers in the National Football Conference championship game. Young was scheduled to appear on the Late Show With David Letterman, but the show canceled his appearance after Young was arrested on charges of possessing marijuana.
Mr. Hawkins Could Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Be Reached for Comment
According to a report in the Abilene Reporter-News, 89 adults who were members of the House of Yahweh, an Abilene-based religious sect, filed petitions in Taylor and Callahan counties to have their last names changed to Hawkins.
How About “Shyster Advocacy Walk for EMS?”
The Beta Alpha Rho pre-law fraternity at the University of Texas decided to change the name of its fundraising campaign to benefit emergency medical services—a walk through Austin behind two EMS ambulances—from the First Annual Ambulance Chase to the Legal Advocacy Walk for EMS after plaintiff’s lawyers objected to the original name.
Ready … Aim … Fired
After a rancher in Bee County complained that hunters were illegally shooting deer at night from a public road through his property, state game wardens
set up a stuffed deer as a decoy. The hunter who was arrested after he shot at the decoy was the ranch foreman.
Same Difference
The U.S. Food and Drug Administration determined that a four-inch-long fleshy object that was found in a bottle of prune juice at the Denton State School for the mentally retarded was not, as first suspected, a human penis but a fast-growing mass of bacteria.
She Would Have Called the Bad Guy a High-Taxing, Free-Spending, Promise-Breaking, Social Security– Taxing, Health Care–Socializing, Drug-Coddling, Power-Grabbing, Business-Busting, Lawsuit-Loving, U.N.- Following, FBI-Abusing, IRS-Increasing, Two-Hundred- Dollar-Hair-Cutting, Gas-Taxing, Over-Regulating, Bureaucracy-Trusting, Class-Baiting, Privacy-Violating, Values-Crushing, Truth-Dodging, Medicare-Forsaking, Property Rights–Taking, Job-Destroying Ornery Polecat
Senate business caused Kay Bailey Hutchison to miss the filming of an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger in which she was to play herself.
The Eclipse Has Begun
Former president George Bush traveled to Buenos Aires, Argen-tina, to be the main speaker at a formal dinner honoring the start-up of Tiempos del Mundo, a newspaper to be published by the Reverend Sun Myung Moon’s Unification Church.
Oh, So You Know Him Too
In a lawsuit brought by Houston-based Coastal Corporation against the Houston Chronicle, Coastal, which is chaired by Oscar Wyatt, contended that an article in the newspaper falsely suggested that company officials had deliberately set a fire to destroy sensitive documents. Lawyers for the Chronicle filed a pretrial response contesting Coastal’s interpretation in a section headed “What the Article Really Says, to a Reasonable Reader, Not to Oscar the Grouch.”
The Marigolds Are on Lane Twelve
Lucretia Sisk of Austin outlined her garden with 116 used bowling balls.
How Do They Stand on The Rockford Files?
The TCU Student House of Representatives passed a resolution commending the Nashville Network for bringing reruns of The Dukes of Hazzard back to television.
Led By the Six Valedictorians
Trustees of the Highland Park school district adopted a new mathematical formula for class ranking that will allow more than the top ten percent of high school students to graduate in the top ten percent of their class.
Looks Guilty
Cedar Street bar in Dallas ran advertisements touting its Dealey Plaza Martini: “Looks Innocent, but It’ll Hit You Like a Shot From the Grassy Knoll.”
Plus $9.3 Million in Penalties and Interest
In a lawsuit brought by Houston-based Coa
Johnny Ray Brewster of Dallas won $12.8 million in the Texas lottery, to be paid in twenty annual installments of $463,320 after income tax was withheld. But when Brewster died ten months later, the Internal Revenue Service demanded that the full inheritance tax on his winnings, $3.5 million, be paid by the end of the year.
To Make Matters Worse, He Was Cooking With White Oak
In a lawsuit brought by Houston-based Coa
Fine Host Corporation, the concessions manager for the City of Austin, canceled the contract of John Goode to provide barbecue at city-owned facilities because Goode, who is black, refused to apply for disadvantaged minority status and wanted to be judged solely on the quality of his barbecue.
Batterers Not Included
In a lawsuit brought by Houston-based Coa
The 116-year-old Collin County jail, a state historic landmark, was sold at auction to Paul Porras of Dallas for $92,500.
