1999 Bum Steer Awards
(Page 2 of 3)
Call It “Harlingen” and No One Will Notice
Fearing violence, the Manhattan Theatre Club of New York set up metal detectors and x-ray machines to check patrons attending Corpus Christi, a drama named after playwright Terrence McNally’s hometown and featuring a homosexual Christ figure.
Everybody’s Entitled to His Own Opinion
U.S. district judge Paul Friedman of Washington, D.C., ruled that Texas is legally a state, not an independent nation.
You Mean the Best Self-Impressed City
Rowenta, Inc., a manufacturer of steam irons, conducted a study of ironing habits and, after discovering that 60 percent of the respondents in Dallas ironed their jeans and 43 percent ironed their T-shirts, awarded Dallas the title of “best-pressed city.”
Here Today, Hers Tomorrow
A Houston jury found that William James Stewart had prevented his estranged wife from claiming her share of his $3.5 million lottery jackpot in 1993 by pretending the ticket belonged to his girlfriend. By the time his wife prevailed in court, winning $1.78 million, he had squandered half of the money.
Here’s the Plan. When Monica Hands Him the Cigar, We Offer Him a Light
Three men were indicted by a Brownsville grand jury for plotting to assassinate President Clinton and other government officials with Bic lighters designed to shoot cactus needles poisoned with botulism, anthrax, rabies, or the AIDS virus.
Circulation Has Never Risen Faster
A Texas Monthly ad soliciting subscriptions listed an 800 number that actually belonged to a phone sex line.
www.nasa.con
Jerry Alan Whittredge of Galveston was charged with impersonating a federal employee and lying to federal agents after he used bogus credentials to dupe officials at NASA’s Huntsville, Alabama, space center into thinking that he was an astronaut. They allowed Whittredge to sit at a Mission Control console during a shuttle mission and even trained him on a flight simulator before his odd behavior led to a more thorough investigation of his background and the discovery that he had set up his fake biography, describing himself as a former CIA agent turned astronaut, on a Web page.
Now Show Us the Bathroom
Sugar, a Maltese owned by Lanny Cawthon of Temple, wears perfume and a silver-and-crystal necklace and has her own miniature living room.
You May Already Be a Loser
Six Tyler-area residents, clutching sweepstakes letters promising prizes such as jet-skis and motorcycles, showed up at the city convention center to claim their winnings, only to find themselves arrested in a sting operation when their lucky claim numbers turned out to be the numbers on their outstanding felony warrants.
His Campaign Was in Voir Dire Straits
In Llano, during his unsuccessful campaign for the Republican nomination for attorney general, Barry Williamson barged in on a panel of 280 prospective jurors for a capital murder trial to introduce himself and shake hands.
All Those F-Words Sound Alike
Arlington Toy Enterprises pulled the Teletubbies doll Po off its shelves in case customers misunderstood the doll’s muttering. Shoppers elsewhere had heard not “fidit, fidit” but “fatty, fatty” and “faggot, faggot.”
He Was Just Lying Back and Enjoying It
Oilman Clayton Williams donned boxing gloves and a black eye for a state-of-the-industry meeting of the Texas Railroad Commission, into which he was carried on a stretcher.
The Killeen Fields
Militia member Michael Dorsett of Fort Worth was sentenced to federal prison for plotting with a friend to attack Fort Hood with pipe bombs and guns because they believed that foreign troops were being allowed to train there.
My Euphonium Can Whip Your Euphonium
The rival marching bands of Prairie View A&M and Baton Rouge’s Southern University accused each other of starting a twenty-minute fight that broke out during a halftime performance in Beaumont.
Soon to Be Known as “Walker, Utah Wimp”
Chuck Norris, who plays the tough-guy title character in Walker, Texas Ranger, which is filmed in Dallas, moved the production to Utah for the month of August to escape the Texas heat.
Actually, a Depressed Armey Had Told Stump, “Bob, Hope Is Dead.”
Arizona congressman Bob Stump announced on the floor of the House of Representatives that legendary comedian Bob Hope had died. Informed later that the 95-year-old Hope was alive and well in Toluca Lake, California, Stump explained that he had been asked to make the announcement by majority leader Dick Armey of Texas.
Where’s “Bo Gus?”
After state district judge Sue Pirtle of Rockwall County was criticized for threatening a county maintenance man with contempt of court if he didn’t issue her an extra key to the courthouse to give to her husband, the Friends of Judge Sue Pirtle took out an ad in a local paper listing the names of numerous supporters, including “Tal E. Wacker” and “Pat McCroch.”
Both Books in the Library Are Always Checked Out
An analysis by Atlanta–based publisher Longstreet Press determined that College Station, the home of Texas A&M University, is the most literate community in the U.S.
Both Books in the Library Are Always Checked Out
An analysis by Atlanta–based publisher Longstreet Press determined that College Station, the home of Texas A&M University, is the most literate community in the U.S.
Hereafter to Be Known as Dance Sandbag
Heavy rains flooded the office of an Austin dance organization called Dance Umbrella.
We’re Holding Out for the Kenneth McDuff Commemorative Gold Coin
To protest capital punishment, a group of Danish artists designed two commemorative stamps in honor of pickax killer Karla Faye Tucker, who died by lethal injection in February. One stamp depicts a smiling Tucker, an American flag, and a gurney.
You Ain’t Nothin’ But a Hit Man
William Keen Perry of Spring, an Elvis Presley impersonator, was arrested in Houston and charged with solicitation of capital murder after he allegedly tried to hire an undercover cop to kill his wife.
Are You Stupid Tonight?
Robert Louis Rodgers of Travis County was charged with stealing Elvis Presley’s black leather jacket from the Elvis Auto Museum in Memphis. He was arrested after he offered to sell it to an undercover Dallas police officer for $100,000 (pictured: Sergeant Rector McCollum).
The Grass Gets Very High This Time of Year
Cameron County drug enforcement officials raided a house in San Benito and arrested four men after being tipped off by neighbors because the summer heat had intensified the smell of 1,184 pounds of marijuana.
Not Your Fault, Eddie—He Couldn’t Harmonize With Carmen Electra Either
A shirtless, shoeless Dennis Rodman jumped onto the stage during a Pearl Jam concert in Dallas, danced around wildly, swigged wine from a bottle, and tried to harmonize with lead vocalist Eddie Vedder.
And Miffed That Her Wedding Dress Was Much Fancier Than His
Nine days after he married Baywatch actress Carmen Electra in a spur-of-the-moment Las Vegas wedding, Dennis Rodman filed for an annulment, alleging that during the ceremony he was drunk.
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