The 2000 Bum Steer Awards
(Page 2 of 3)
“Remember the Plantation!”
In honor of Black History Month, McDonald’s issued a booklet called Little Known Black History Facts, which says that the Texas state song is “The Yellow Rose of Texas,” that the Texans prevailed in battles during March 1836 (when they suffered decisive defeats at the Alamo and Goliad), and that the Texas Revolution was fought “to preserve slavery.”
Who Says You Can’t Always Get What You Want?
Despite a British judge’s ruling that Mick Jagger and Jerry Hall were never officially married, the Mesquite-born model netted a divorce settlement worth a reported $16 million, then allowed her ex-husband to move back in to a separate bedroom of their London mansion.
One Tight Thing
Katy-born actress Renée Zellweger stretched the limits of material-ism with her choice of gown for the 1999 Academy awards ceremony.
Politics Makes Strange Fellows
With two weeks to go in the two-man race for Place 5 on the Carrollton City Council, challenger Joe Johnson endorsed his opponent, incumbent Bob Doverspike.
Where Is Joe Johnson When You Need Him?
Odessa officials canceled the city’s council election because only one candidate filed for the three available seats.
Attention, George W. Bush: Read Here for the Answer to “Who is the Ruler of India?”
During the Hindu religious festival of Divali, the Second Baptist Church of Houston distributed a booklet asserting that Hindus are under the “power of Satan.”
Thus Raising That Difficult Historical Question, Was the Purpose To Keep the People of China in, or to Keep the People of Beaumont Out?
To mark the in-store arrival of its animated film Mulan, Walt Disney Home Video built a three-hundred-foot-long replica of the Great Wall of China in the Jefferson County hamlet of China.
In Case the Great Wall Catches Fire
In honor of the re-release of the Disney classic 101 Dalmatians, the studio erected a 24-foot-tall, black-and-white-spotted fire hydrant near the Fire Museum of Texas in Beaumont.
As Long As You Add Viagra to the Mayonnaise
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals funded an outside advertisement in Dallas that depicted a bikinied woman holding a string of limp sausages with the caption, “I threw a party but the cattlemen couldn’t come,” and an accompanying phone number (1-900-GET-ON-UP) answered by a recorded female voice saying, “Meat restricts blood flow not just to your heart but to all parts of your body. That’s right. Choosing a veggie burger in the kitchen may help you have a whopper in the bedroom.”
“Over Hill, Over Dale, We Have Hit the Rusty Trail”
Houston-based Stewart and Stevenson Services was cited by the General Accounting Office, which reviews federal expenditures, for failing to meet a requirement that new trucks built for the U.S. Army be designed to prevent corrosion for at least ten years. Instead, the first 4,995 trucks suffered rust-caused holes in the cabs in less than three years, and some began rusting before the vehicles left the plant.
Right Idea. Wrong Target
While on a photo shoot in New York, Anna Nicole Smith, formerly of Mexia, was bitten on the leg by the dog she had hired to guard her.
Not to Mention the Austin Police Department
Asian Americans criticized Uvalde-born actor Matthew McConaughey for saying on the Rosie O’Donnell show that in his new film, U-571, “I’m over in Rome fighting Germans and Japs from World War Two.”
Nyet Anchovies
After abandoning a plan to put Dallas-based Pizza Hut’s new logo on the moon with lasers because the project, to be visible from Earth, would have required an image as large as Texas and cost hundreds of millions of dollars, company officials paid $1 million to put the logo on a Russian Proton rocket to be launched from Baikonur, Kazakhstan.
It Wasn’t Too Hard, It Wasn’t Too Soft, It Was Just Right
Martin Fulcher of New Caney was arrested and charged with attempted burglary of a residence near Cleveland after the homeowner returned to find Fulcher sleeping in his bed
At the Moment, More Like an Outhouse
Following protests and legal action by parents, the San Antonio Independent School District destroyed the responses to surveys given to six hundred Jefferson High School students that asked such questions as whether the teenagers considered themselves “more like a screened-in porch or a picture window.”
Backdaft
Informed that the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service wanted further research into whether endangered cave bugs might be harmed by a proposed road and bridge below the Lake Georgetown dam, Williamson County commissioner Greg Boatright said, “You know the best way you can do research is to pour about fifty gallons of gas down there and light a match so you can see.”
He Got Waxed
A Lake Jackson car wash polled customers on their opinion of how Congress should resolve the impeachment case against Bill Clinton.
But the Cast and Crew Were Overjoyed
A film titled Happy, Texas, which was filmed in Peru, California, left the real residents of Happy unhappy
Good Thing They Don’t Call It a Horny Toad
The Canadian artist who redesigned the costume for Texas Christian University’s comic horned-frog mascot angered the school’s fans by giving the giant lizard a buff build, bulging eyes, and a greenish hue
Termites Aren’t What They Used to Be
Texas A&M research entomologist Grady Glenn discovered that termites won’t eat wood that has been laced with hot chiles.
Crook ‘em, Horns
Texas Court of Criminal Appeals judge Steve Mansfield was fined $300, required to perform thirty hours of community service, and sentenced to six months’ probation for trespassing after he ignored an order by UT-Austin police to leave the campus because they had caught him trying to scalp his complimentary tickets to the 1998 UT-Texas A&M football game.
Can She Do “Willie and The Hand Jive”?
The Web site of Dallas’ Gennifer Flowers, one of Bill Clinton’s former lovers, includes a “Dear Gennifer” column, a “Clinton Body Count” report, and a biography asserting that she is “a remarkable talent, who doesn’t need controversy to make her a star” and “a charismatic chanteuse and jazz/blues diva with unquestionable international appeal who can masterfully light a torch to any song!
No. Have You Found Any Brains?
After state senator J. E. “Buster” Brown of Lake Jackson apologized to a young female aide for making unwanted sexual advances, the Houston Chronicle cited another incident, in which Brown had tried to kiss a 54-year-old woman who had gone to his law office to discuss a legal matter. When she said, “I’m too fat for this,” Brown reportedly replied, “Well, I don’t think you are.” The next time Brown encountered the woman, according to her statement to the Lake Jackson police, he asked if she had lost any weight.
It’s Not As If It’s Carved in Stone
Workers installed a huge carved stone marker on the grounds of the Texas State Cemetery in Austin, then immediately had to take it apart for repair because the final word had been misspelled “Cemetary.”
From Each Smart-Growth Advocate According to His Abilities, to Each Light-Rail Passenger According to His Needs
After losing a race for a seat on the Austin City Council, Vic Vreeland was reported by an Austin American-Statesman columnist to have posted the following message on his Web page: “If you are not a Socialist, Fascist or Communist you are not welcome in Austin, Texas!!! You got the government you deserve, sheeple. 8.36 percent of registered voters voted in today’s election. The socialists got reelected. . . . You burned the American Flag by allowing the incumbents to sweep the election. You insured smart growth, light rail, and all the trappings Karl Marx advocated will come to pass in Austin, Texas.”
And for Pat Buchanan, “Stick It Where the Sun Don’t Shine”
Burke’s Peerage designed a presidential coat of arms for George W. Bush bearing the Latin translation of “The prodigal son will shine.”
P.S. I Need This Note Back
Hugh Benjamin Culp was arrested for robbing the drive-through window at the First National Bank of Anderson—his second robbery at the same locale. Culp’s note to the teller read, “This is the bank robber. Give me the money. [Signed] The bank robber.”
Ding-Dong Daddies From Dallas
While in the possession of the Dallas Stars, the 1999 National Hockey League champions, the Stanley Cup acquired a three-inch dent.
Oh, Brother!
Because the Dallas Cowboys beat the Miami Dolphins on Thanksgiving Day, Jeb Bush, the governor of Florida, lost a bet with his brother George W., the governor of Texas, and had to wear a Cowboys jersey for a day.
Next Time You Pick a Talent, Try Something Simple, Like Tap Dancing
Roni Lowe, Miss Lubbock Teen USA, relinquished her crown for saying that she intended to make the Frenship High School cheerleading squad “disappear from the face of the earth.”
They’re in Sudden Death
Moments before being executed by lethal injection in a Huntsville prison, condemned murderer William Prince Davis said, “I’d like to say in closing: What about those Cowboys?”
Where Did He Find a Tofu Shank For the Last Supper?
Following protests by Amarillo residents, Chancellor Media removed a billboard underwritten by People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, which depicted Jesus with an orange slice behind his head instead of a halo along with the message, “Jesus was a vegetarian.”
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