Buy & Sigh

The Bum Steer Gift Guide

January 2000

CUSTOMIZED DECORATED CASKETS, ranging from the "Return to Sender" model, painted to resemble a brown-paper package and stamped with the deceased's final (earthly) destination, to the golfer's choice (above), "Fairway to Heaven," depicting an inviting green, from Dallas' WhiteLight casket company ($3,000 and up).

MECHANICAL BULL "for training, for fun, for physical exercise," from El Toro Manufacturing of Deer Park ($8,500; landing pads extra).

MINIATURE BONDED-NICKEL REPLICA OF THE TEXAS SCHOOL BOOK DEPOSITORY, one of New York designer Constantin Boym's "Buildings of Disaster" series, available through www.boym.com ($95).

CAVEWEAR, a line of men's politically incorrect casual clothing, branded with a caveman logo and the words "I'll Decide," from Houston's www. www.cavewear.com (from $12.95).

"UHNCLE BOOGER'S" BUMPER DUMPER, a toilet invented by two Houstonians that hooks onto a trailer hitch for instant facilities in the wild, from www.bumperdumper.com ($59.95). "CRACK WHORES FOR BUSH" T-SHIRTS, CUPS, AND MOUSEPADS, available from www.cafepress.com ($15.99­$19.99).

 

NECKTIES CRAFTED OF OSTRICH, LIZARD, EEL, AND PYTHON SKIN, from the Perfect Fit of Houston ($350­$1,000).

GLITCH, A Y2K BEAN BUG, TECHIE, A NERD BEAN BUG, AND THEIR BEAN-STUFFED COMPUTER COHORTS, from San Antonio's Bianet ($9.95­$12.95).

LONESOME RIDER FACEPLATE FOR A NOKIA CELL PHONE, depicting a cowboy silhouette with the words "Houston" and "Texas" emblazoned on it ($29.95).

AGED BEEF: MEN IN THEIR PRIME, a calendar of male residents, some shirtless or scantily clad, from Georgetown's Sun City retirement community ($9.95). DALLAS COWBOYS CHEERLEADERS 2000 SWIMSUIT CALENDAR, featuring on the cover rookie Sarah Shahi, who is billed as a great-great-granddaughter of a shah of Iran ($14.95). DALLAS COWBOYS COLLECTIBLE PICKUP, complete with barbecue grill, director's chair, Cowboys helmet and jersey, duffel bag, bag of nuts, coolers, and beer keg, from the Danbury Mint ($145).

SLICE OF THE ICE FROM THE DALLAS STARS' LAST HOME GAME OF THE 1999 STANLEY CUP SERIES, melted down and stored in a plastic puck, from the Stars and the National Hockey League ($39.99).

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