George W. Bush Interview With Mark K. Updegrove (Audio) 
The 2001 Bum Steer Awards
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All That Fighting Over a Mere Two Bucks
Phillip Stringer of Houston and Louis Bruni of Laredo agreed to settle their legal dispute over who had the right to keep the head of a twelve-point stag Stringer had shot on Bruni’s 13,000-acre Zapata County ranch. Because Bruni’s ailing mother was emotionally attached to the mounted head, Bruni was allowed under the terms of the settlement to make a $5,000 duplicate of the trophy, which can be displayed at Bruni’s ranch accompanied by a placard saying that Stringer did the shooting.
Please, No Pesti-Side Dishes
Invited to a science class to improve interaction with students, Texas A&M administrators found that they were being served steamed crickets and baked mealworms prepared by entomology professor Roger Gold to emphasize the food value of insects.
The Great Texas Turnoff
Harold Gunn of Houston lost his race for state representative in the Republican primary following revelations that in 1983 he wrote and appeared in a nudie flick featuring a naked woman jogging through Meyerland and another slathering herself with motor oil, entitled The Great Texas Showoff.
And He Calls Himself a Shrink
After forensic psychiatrist Bruce Cohen of the University of Virginia submitted a $63,100 bill to a state district court in Houston for his work in the Angel Maturino Resendiz capital murder case, presiding judge Bill Harmon asked Cohen to reduce the bill, which he did—to $61,100.
Pot—It’s Not Just for Breakfast Anymorev
An Othello, Washington, man was arrested in Falfurrias for possessing more than two tons of marijuana, the smell of which he had attempted to disguise by loading his truck with rotten oranges.
Good Grief
Congressman Ron Paul of Surfside was the only member of the U. S. House of Representatives to vote against awarding the late cartoonist Charles M. Schulz the Congressional Medal of Honor.
Let Them Drink Gatorade
During the summer drought, the Wichita Falls City Council voted to grant Midwestern State University an exception to the town’s watering restrictions so the school could keep its playing fields green and thus preserve its training-camp agreement with the Dallas Cowboys.
For $100 Million, We’ll Rename That River The Reaud Grande
Texas Tech University regents turned down Beaumont attorney Wayne Reaud’s offered donation of $12.5 million, which stipulated that the school of law be named for him and his wife, saying that the gift would have to be doubled before the board would consider naming the school for him.
Selena Some of the Time
Partway through a national tour, producers canceled further performances of the musical Selena Forever.
Dr. Richard Kimble Was So Relieved
Purcell, Oklahoma, automobile dealer Bud Hardcastle funded the exhumation of the remains of J. Frank Dalton of Granbury in an attempt to verify Dalton’s claim to be Jesse James, but because of a misplaced marker, the workers dug up the wrong body, which had only one arm.
At Last! Something Al Gore Didn’t Invent!
A freelancer at ABC News’ Southwest Regional Bureau in Dallas was fired after creating and accidentally sending to the network’s affiliates a mock script purportedly originating at WFAA and bearing the headline “Al Gore arrested today for killing small child with his teeth.”
It’s Definitely a Boy
Dallas Mavericks owner and dot-com millionaire Mark Cuban displayed a three-and-a-half-foot-long cigar at Pappas Bros. Steakhouse in Dallas.
Where Is James Baker When You Need Him?
James Epperson of Edwards County, who ran unopposed for his county commissioner seat in the Republican primary, was ruled ineligible to serve because he voted in the Democratic primary, a violation of state election law that made it illegal for him to run as a Republican.
Michelangelo’s David Would Look So Much Better in Overalls
The Grace Museum in Abilene rejected four paintings from a planned display of European art after school superintendent Michael Moehler refused to permit students to view the exhibit if it contained nudity.
Curiosity Killed the Wrong One
Musician John “Mambo” Treanor of Austin crafts original headgear from roadkill.
Up Y’all’s!
A survey conducted by researchers at the University of North Texas revealed that employers are more likely to hire job applicants from California and Minnesota, whose accents are undetectable, than those with a pronounced Texas accent.
If You’ve Seen One, You’ve Seen All Six
A thief entered a conference room at a Grapevine hotel and stole six breast implants valued at $2,000 each.
Whatever Happened To Just Beating the Hell Out of Them?
Two volunteer chaplains at the Tarrant County jail took an inmate to a religious counseling area and attempted to exorcise Satan from his body.
They’re Into Heavy Metal
Students of the Academy of Science and Technology in the Woodlands constructed a playable 43-foot-long guitar.
Get V-8 to Contribute Too And You Can Call It Bloody Mary Park
The Starplex amphitheater in Dallas’ historic Fair Park accepted $6 million from Smirnoff for an eight-year contract guaranteeing that the concert venue, which attracts thousands of teenagers to dozens of events each year, would be renamed for the vodka brand.
Grab Your Crotch Gently Yet Firmly
The Texas Rangers baseball team hired an etiquette trainer to teach its prospects how to shake hands firmly, use the correct utensils at a seven-course meal, and observe other social niceties.
God, Save the Queen
The British tabloid Sun reported that Queen Elizabeth sings along with her very own Big Mouth Billy Bass, a plaque-mounted rubber fish that is manufactured in Irving and belts out “Take Me to the River” and “Don’t Worry, Be Happy.”
Sis Boob Bah!
The February cover story for Muscular Development magazine was titled “Pump Up With the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders: Strong, Sexy, & Fit.”
They’re Ready For the Big Game Against Columbine
Lubbock-Cooper High School faculty members approved a fundraising project for the men’s baseball team in which the athletes posed carrying rifles and clustered around a National Guard tank for a poster titled “Armed and Dangerous.”
Slow Traffickers Keep Right
A Laredo man was charged with possession of marijuana after officials found 88 pounds of it in his car, which was stopped by U. S. Border Patrol agents because he was traveling on a toll road that had not yet been opened to the public.
She Saw Her Window Of Opportunity
After Fort Worth police officers left their patrol car running and the cage separating the seats open to allow cool air to circulate, a woman they had detained on suspicion of auto theft squeezed through the open space and drove the vehicle away.
Being Barred From Entering Politics—That’s Like Winning the Lottery!
Thomas “Hollywood” Henderson announced he would run for Austin City Council only to find out that he was barred from seeking public office because of his 1984 California conviction for felony sexual assault.
Just Enough to Get Him to Purgatory
The late David Overton of Austin, a former UT math professor, left an estimated $278,000 in gold coins to the Phoenix Institute of Research and Education because he believed the California group’s assertion that a nine-and-a-half-foot-tall alien named Hatonn was “commander in chief of the Pleiades Sector Flight Command” and would take him away on a spaceship to eternal life, but a Travis County court reduced the institute’s bequest to $160,000.
Almost As Long As a Manual Recount
State comptroller Carole Keeton Rylander responded to an open-records request from the Texas Democratic party for fourteen months’ worth of the agency’s e-mail by saying the request would cost $5. 7 million and take 170 years.
“League!”
Because of the Florida balloting confusion, the Austin American-Statesman had to recall 59,000 copies of the newspaper that were printed on election night with the single-word headline “Bush!”
True—We’re Sick of Stupid Politics
On July 7 the Democratic National Committee issued a travel advisory for people heading to Texas, noting that “Houston, Texas, has the lowest immunization rate of any large city in the country, and health officials fear the nation’s fourth-largest city is ripe for epidemic.”
It Could Be a W for “Why”
Texas Christian University students discovered that band members from TCU’s archrival, Southern Methodist University, had sprinkled seeds on TCU’s home field during their halftime performance the previous fall, which caused a giant rye-grass letter to sprout—M for Mustangs.
But What Was His Punishment?
A Longview man who attacked a police officer at a local McDonald’s was ordered by a state district judge to stay away from the fast-food chain for five years.
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