George W. Bush Interview With Mark K. Updegrove (Audio) 
The 2001 Bum Steer Awards
(Page 3 of 4)
They’re a Bunch of Foolhardy Perennials
The city council of Watauga, near Fort Worth, voted to categorize the sunflower as a weed and compel citizens to cut the plants down to one foot tall or less.
For Auld Clang Syne
On New Year’s Eve, 1999, officials at Dallas’ Parkland Memorial Hospital, concerned about Y2K chaos, prepared to issue cowbells to patients in case their call buttons failed.
But They Found 219 Chads on The Ground
In February the owners of 2,220 Austin dogs tried and failed to beat a world record for the largest group dog walk, set by 2,439 British canines.
No Objections, Your Honor!
Visiting state district judge Lon Harper of Houston was reprimanded by the State Commission on Judicial Conduct for repairing two Colt revolvers on the bench while presiding over a capital murder trial.
Just in Case He Ran Into Judge Harper
Harris County constables temporarily confiscated two handguns brought without a license into the Harris County civil courthouse by visiting district judge Jerry Sandel of Huntsville.
Knock, Knock. Who’s There? Felon. Felon Who? Felon Broke His Ankle.
Travis County jail inmate Michael Bailey was apprehended trying to sneak back into the recreation yard after his fellow escapee, Leslie Blaylark, tried to jump to freedom from a fifth-floor ledge and broke his ankle.
No Más, Tomás
Republican Thomas Wesson lost his race for constable in Dallas’ sixth precinct, which is largely Hispanic, despite changing his name to Tomás Eduardo Wesson.
She Wanted to Model The Dust Jackets
The London officials who present the Whitbread Book of the Year, one of England’s most prestigious literary awards, chose as a judge Gonzales-born model Jerry Hall, the former Mrs. Mick Jagger.
One Picture Is Worth A Thousand Words
Rebecca Ramos of San Antonio, a granddaughter of Henry B. Gonzalez, the state’s first Mexican American congressman, posed in Playboy wearing only black stockings and later declared, “Just as my grand-father was a pioneer providing a voice for Hispanics, I consider myself a spokesperson for Hispanic women.”
Did You Hear the One About the Aggie Blood Drive?
Texas A&M at Galveston lost its appeal protesting a $250,000 judgment awarded former student Paul Bishop, who was accidentally stabbed during a 1994 drama club performance about Dracula because faculty advisers allowed the use of a real knife onstage.
Hey, Bud—Any Wiser?
Robert Charles Johnson of Port Bolivar and Daniel Joseph Doiron of Louisiana faced auto-theft charges in Port O’Connor after the two intoxicated fishermen stole an eighteen-wheeler full of Budweiser beer.
You Can’t Say His Campaign Lacked Gravity
Supporters of George W. Bush skydived from a plane while holding a banner reading “Bush 2000.”
Who’d Handle the Privates?
At a party in Philadelphia, House majority leader Dick Armey of Flower Mound, who once referred to openly gay Massachusetts congressman Barney Frank as “Barney Fag,” was asked by humorist Dave Barry, “Are you the real Dick Armey?” Armey replied with a well-known joke about his name: “Yes, I am Dick Armey. And if there is a dick army, Barney Frank would want to join up.”
Just Right for Fencing The . 003-Acre Ranch
J. C. Payne of Denton saved enough barbed wire to wind it into an eleven-foot-wide ball.
Two Bits, Four Bits, Six Bits, a Dollar— All for Injecting Jay, Stand Up and Holler!
Jay Martel, a regular on The Awful Truth, prepared a death-penalty skit for the political comedy show for which he hired Houston actors to perform outside the state prison in Huntsville just before the execution of cop killer Billy Hughes, Jr. Dressed up as cheerleaders, the troupe repeated a number of cheers, including “Florida oranges, Texas cactus/We kill convicts just for practice!” and “George, George, he’s our man/If he can’t kill ‘em, no one can!”
Got a Leaky Fawcett? Call Christopher Plummer
Farrah Fawcett was immortalized in American Rhapsody, a juicy memoir by screenwriter-producer Joe Eszterhas, who alleged that she had yanked up her evening gown, while attending a swanky Hollywood party years ago, and relieved herself on the grass.
Why Did They Add “Sports”?
Denton, the home of the University of North Texas, was named the worst sports city in America—332nd of 332 cities—by the Sporting News.
Crime for Dummies
An El Paso man entered a department store dressing room carrying a mannequin and reemerged having donned the mannequin’s garments and replaced them with his own clothes.
D Is for Double Standard
One month after the August cover of Dallas’ D Magazine depicted a naked woman in whipped cream, publisher Wick Allison destroyed the 70,000 copies of the September issue because he belatedly saw two fashion ads that he deemed obscene.
But He Voted Fourteen Times for Pat Buchanan in Florida
Since registering in Dallas County, where he moved in 1995, Republican vice-presidential candidate Dick Cheney has voted in only two of sixteen elections.
Meet George Jetsam
While NASA, University of Texas marine scientists, and Nueces County officials worked to identify the ownership of a rocket nose cone that had washed up on Mustang Island, a beachcomber happened on the four-foot-wide spacecraft part and hauled it away to make a hot tub.
“What Ring? All I Can See Is Your IQ”
Bud Adams, the owner of the NFL’s Tennessee Titans, formerly the Houston Oilers before a lack of support for a new stadium caused Adams to move the team to Tennessee, appeared at a news conference to show off a prototype of the Titans’ championship ring for 1999. In a reference to former Houston mayor Bob Lanier, who had opposed the Oilers’ request for a new stadium, Adams slipped the ring onto his middle finger, extended it, and said, “There it is, Mayor. Take a look.”
The Jerk
While hosting the National Book Awards in New York, actor-comedian-writer Steve Martin, a native of Waco, noted, “It’s a good thing these awards aren’t being held in Texas. Losers would be taken out and shot.”
The Devils Couldn’t Make Him Do It
Dallas mayor Ron Kirk promised to wear a New Jersey Devils sweater if the rival hockey team beat the Dallas Stars in the Stanley Cup finals but never followed through after the Stars lost the last game in double overtime.
Can You Say “Earthquake?”
The San Diego Reader, an alternative newspaper, offered as the last-place prize in a sports-news contest a round-trip airline ticket to “a sensational destination, Lubbock, Texas! Do you grasp the vision? A corner room in the local Motel 6. You and that special guy, gal, or family pet. Add a long, leisurely, after-hours stroll through the cattle yards of Lubbock. Can you say, ‘Romance!’?”
It Was the Winner of the San Diego Reader Contest
Following a report that a person was trapped inside a wall in the basement of the campus art building, Texas Tech University campus police confiscated part of a graduate student’s art project, an installation about mental illness that included a recorded voice pleading, “Somebody help me!”
Justice Is Blindfolded
Judge Robert Hollman of Odessa was reprimanded by the State Commission on Judicial Conduct because he repeatedly bound and gagged a female assistant and timed her efforts to free herself while watching bondage videos or surfing pornographic Web sites.
Telling the Truth Would Be Worse
The city council of Argyle, near Denton, voted 4-0 in January to penalize municipal employees for “rumor spreading” about the city government or its staffers.
Got What They Deserved?
Playing off the slogan, “Got milk?” People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals launched a campaign in the Daily Texan and other campus newspapers complaining that milking cows is cruel, using the slogan “Got beer?”—only to suspend it after protests from Mothers Against Drunk Driving.
We Hear There’s an Opening in Austin
A Smithville school bus driver whom students suspected of being drunk was fired after two of the teenagers on board observed her making overly wide turns and seized the keys.
We Hear There’s an Opening in Smithville
An Austin school bus driver was fired after she got lost her first day on the job and ended up driving her students almost to New Braunfels.
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