The 2003 Bum Steer Awards
It was a year of asinine atheists, buck-naked bad guys, crud-coated coins, duct-taped duds, ex-Enron exhibitionists, felonious Ferraris, gaffe-prone guests, hijacked heads, icky incumbents, jittery java junkies, kaput kampaigns, lascivious lawyers, Munsters maniacs, ninny newlyweds, obdurate officials, pesky perfumes, quickie-minded quadrupeds, risible reading, superannuated sodas, titillating textbooks, un-dry urbanites, vamoosed vaudevillians, wandering weapons, Xena-like Xanthippes, yammering Yankees, and zealous zit-ologists.
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And She's Got a Great Pair of Zits
Elizabeth Ann Loudon, a dermatologist in San Antonio, married attorney Gerard Calderon and used her wedding announcement in the San Antonio Express-News as an ad by titling it "'TheSkinMD' Weds."
Korea Is Better
Enrique Jose Cintron, an Army specialist, and his wife, Bethany Weigl, were placed on probation and fined $4,000 after he persuaded her to shoot him in the leg with a .38-caliber handgun and pretend that they had been assaulted so he would not have to return to active duty in Korea and instead could remain with her in College Station.
I Desire to Testify on The Grounds That It Might Tend to Incriminate Me
Louis Papakostas, of Corpus Christi, who was convicted of drug charges in 1987 but had been on the lam ever since, was apprehended by police officers after he ran into the county attorney who had prosecuted him at a local restaurant and stopped to say hello, even reminding the attorney who he was when the man did not remember.
"It Was a Cold, Drizzly Morning In November as Sherman Threw His Gear, Guns, Wife, Children, Dogs, and Barbecue Grill Into The Back of His Suburban Silverado 1500 With Custom Pinstriping. He Checked the Gas Gauge, as Weekend Survivalists Know to Do, Pulled Onto the Freeway, Caromed off A Camaro, and Headed For the Deer Lease"
In October Leonard Wendland, of Dallas, began publishing Lucky Trucker, a magazine devoted to the lifestyle of owners of sport-utility vehicles.
It Was an Open and Shut-eye Case
After presiding over a trial in which a Dallas man accused of murder was sentenced to twenty years in prison, visiting judge John Bradshaw saw the verdict overturned by an appeals court when evidence showed that he had fallen asleep during testimony.
That Explains Why Both Sidekicks Fans Were Confused
The Dallas Sidekicks, a professional indoor soccer team, filed suit against the Dallas Desperados, a member of the Arena Football League, for infringing on their trademark.
A Royal Pain
U.S. representative Sheila Jackson Lee was criticized by Houston Chronicle columnist Shelby Hodge because the congresswoman, after being invited to an elaborate banquet in Houston hosted by royal visitor Queen Sirikit of Thailand, showed up an hour late to the black-tie event, leaving an empty seat at the queen's table that had to be filled; wore business attire rather than the long evening dress specified in the invitation; caused the wife of Thailand's lord chamberlain to give up her seat so that Lee would have a place to eat; and approached the queen during dinner (which is prohibited by protocol) to ask her to stand up and pose for a photograph.
Roses Are Red, Violets Are Blue, Smallpox Is Sweet, And So Are You
Austin Community College evacuated some two hundred students from one of its campuses on Valentine's Day because of the discovery in an elevator of a "hazardous substance" in a vial with "strange markings," which turned out to be a bottle of perfume.
Number One on The List Is Electing Phil to Congress
The Washington Post reported that Senator Phil Gramm, who began his political career as a Democrat, was overheard entertaining visitors by claiming, "Where I'm from, we hunt down Democrats with dogs for the bad things they do."
Hullabaloo, Caneck! Caneck! / Hullabaloo, Caneck! Caneck! / Good-bye to Baylor University / Good-bye To the Green and the Go-o-old / So Long To the Good Ol' Texas Aggies / They're Just Too Far to the Left
We're Told Congressman Tom DeLay, of Sugarland, who attended Baylor and whose daughter graduated from Texas A&M, said during an appearance at Pearland's First Baptist Church that if parents were interested in having their children taught religious doctrines like creationism, "Don't send your kids to Baylor. And don't send your kids to Texas A&M," because the schools had lost their conservatism.
Don't Let Tom DeLay Find Out About This
Baylor University suspended the Sigma Phi Epsilon fraternity because Playboy magazine, in its October issue focusing on the Big Twelve Conference, ran a photo of some of the fraternity's members on a sand-volleyball court.
You'll Never Watch Another Calf Scramble In This Town Again
After Reliant Resources bought the naming rights to the Astrodome, officials of the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo, which is always held in the 'Dome, announced they would revoke media credentials of journalists who referred to the stadium by its original name instead of "the Reliant Astrodome."
Everybody Was Looking for O-Brahma bin Laden
The U.S. Army was unaware for six weeks that Wayne Owen Stubblefield, a Coryell County resident sought for felony assault and listed as one of Texas' ten most wanted criminals, was hiding out on the grounds of Fort Hood. Despite increased security following the September 11, 2001, attacks, the Coryell County sheriff said, Stubblefield entered the post by driving across a cattle guard.
"I Have a Nightmare"
Merit Industries, of Georgetown, which was hired to produce a plaque to honor black actor James Earl Jones at a Florida celebration of Martin Luther King, Jr.'s, birthday, accidentally emblazoned the plaque with "James Earl Ray," the name of the man who was convicted of assassinating King in 1968.
Oyez! Oyez! Oyez! Yez! Yez! Yez!
Charges are pending against defense attorney Richard Douglas Parker, of Houston, who was arrested for public lewdness in Bryan during a court recess after a jail officer checked the attorney's waiting room and discovered Parker and his female client engaged in a sex act.
If You've Seen One Democrat Who Has Been Investigated by The Feds and Who Cravenly Supports Republicans, You've Seen Them All
In its national weekly edition, the Washington Post ran an article about Hispanic candidates for state office in Texas and, over a caption naming Tony Sanchez as the Democratic candidate for governor, ran a picture of Sanchez's defeated Democratic primary opponent, Dan Morales.
Land of Disenchantment
The Albuquerque Journal reported that Mayor Martin Chavez, of Albuquerque, while discussing the possibility of the University of Texas' taking over the management of the city's highly regarded Sandia National Laboratories, told UT officials, "We don't want Texas running New Mexico. We want them to spend money here, and then we want them to go home."
Melts Your Mind, Not in Your Hand
Abilene Christian University, whose colors are purple and white, launched an intensive six-week drive to persuade students, alumni, faculty, and staff to vote for the new color of M&M's to be purple.
"I Now Pronounce You Man and Wife. You May Kiss the Beard"
ZZ Top guitarist Billy Gibbons sent off for a mail-order minister's certificate so that he could officiate at the marriage of his friends Jim Suhler and Lauri Bradshaw, both of Dallas.
You Mean It's Not?
Karla Waples, of New Braunfels, a member of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, asked her state representative to sponsor a bill making the eating of roadkill legal.
Let Them Drink Coke
Dozens of employees of a Coca-Cola bottling company in Dallas claimed that the soft-drink distributor had, for years, repacked cans with expired sell-by dates into brand-new cardboard cases and sold them to minority communities across North Texas.
Don't Tell That to Willie. Or Ann. Or Hakeem. Or Emmitt. Or Troy
In an article about Lance Armstrong, Michael Specter, of The New Yorker, said that the four-time Tour de France champion was, other than Dubya, the only one-name Texan.
"Too Sick" Is More Accurate Anyway
The Texas Natural Resource Conservation Commission, dismayed that its acronym, TNRCC, was traditionally pronounced "train wreck," changed its name to Texas Commission on Environmental Quality, or TCEQ.
Just Quit After $70,500, Bob, and Keep the Change
A truck traveling to San Antonio from the U.S. Mint in Denver crashed in West Texas and spilled $76,000 worth of pennies into a muddy roadside ditch, compelling the truckline's insurance company to pay Robert Massengale, of Lubbock, $5,500 to clean the dirt off the 7.6 million coins.
The Remainder Went For the Garage
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