The 2003 Bum Steer Awards
It was a year of asinine atheists, buck-naked bad guys, crud-coated coins, duct-taped duds, ex-Enron exhibitionists, felonious Ferraris, gaffe-prone guests, hijacked heads, icky incumbents, jittery java junkies, kaput kampaigns, lascivious lawyers, Munsters maniacs, ninny newlyweds, obdurate officials, pesky perfumes, quickie-minded quadrupeds, risible reading, superannuated sodas, titillating textbooks, un-dry urbanites, vamoosed vaudevillians, wandering weapons, Xena-like Xanthippes, yammering Yankees, and zealous zit-ologists.
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Mel Spillman, a former courthouse clerk who made $33,000 a year, pleaded guilty in April to charges of forgery, tampering with government records, and impersonating a public servant after Bexar County officials discovered he had defrauded at least 65 San Antonioarea estates of some $4.9 million and used the money to buy a $400,000 home and five Ferraris.
The Two-Headed Calf Was Too Big to Hide in Their Pants
Thieves entered the Frontier Times Museum in Bandera and stole a shrunken head.
Right Away The Cop Spotted The Longneck
Laynoil Tratel Jefferson attempted to rob a Taylor convenience store using a beer bottle as a weapon but was arrested by a policeman who had been driving by and noticed that Jefferson was wearing no clothes.
We Liked It Better When They Were Burning Bonfires, Not Crosses
The Battalion, the school newspaper at Texas A&M University, published a cartoon that perpetuated racist stereotypes of African Americans, showing a black mother, with exaggerated lips and eyes, scolding her son for getting an F on his report card.
Tomorrow's Forecast: "Don't Know Why, There's No Sun Up In The Sky / Stormy Weather . . ."
KENS-TV and the San Antonio Express-News both fired Albert Flores, the chief meteorologist for the TV station and a columnist for the newspaper, after learning that he had plagiarized some of the content of the columns that he wrote for the newspaper four times a week.
Today's Special: Fig Leaf Supreme
The ultraconservative Republican Leadership Council of Montgomery County boycotted a local Italian restaurant, Buca di Beppo, because the interior included photographs of nude artworks on public display in Italy.
We Can't Go On Beating Like This
Suzanne Edwards, of Longview, was arrested for punching her husband, Kenneth Edwards, inside the Gregg County courthouse, where he had just posted bail to free her on charges of assault that had resulted from her punching him earlier the same day.
I Love My Wife But, Oh, You Kid!
In what became known in Odessa as "the love goat case," an oil-field worker unsuccessfully sued a landowner for damages after he was attacked while checking a well on the defendant's land by a goat that was alleged to be in heat.
Attention, Shoppers: We Have a Red-and-Blue-Light Special
After a police raid intended to curb illegal drag racing in west Houston was thwarted because officers found no such activity, Captain Mark Aguirre, of the Houston Police Department, ordered officers to arrest 278 people who happened to be present in a Kmart parking lot where drag racers sometimes gathered.
Hollywood, We Have a Problem
Apollo 13, the Oscar-nominated film that stars Tom Hanks and tells the story of the near-fatal lunar mission launched from NASA's Houston facility in 1970, was adapted to the supersized IMAX format in 2002, but the theater at Space Center Houston chose not to show it.
Stuck on You
High school students Katy Polston and James Brady Carmichael, of Austin, designed and wore prom outfits made entirely of duct tape.
Spurned Houstonians Were Up in Armpits
San Antonio was named the sweatiest city in America, according to a survey performed by the manufacturers of Old Spice deodorant.
For a Fat City, You Sure Don't Sweat Much
For the second year in a row, Houston was declared the nation's fattest city by Men's Fitness magazine.
What the 7734?
The makers of 7 UP, whose corporate headquarters are in Plano, attempted to increase lagging sales by introducing a new soda, also citrus flavored but colored bright green, and calling it dnL, which is 7 UP upside down.
How About "Reliant Astrodome, Jr.?"
In August Misty Williams and Willie Rangel, of Austin, offered to sell naming rights to their unborn child for $100,000.
Basketball Been Belly, Belly Good to Me
Kendal Davis is a member of a group of well-rounded, all-male fans who serve as unofficial cheerleaders at Dallas Mavericks games.
Hook 'em, Hornies!
Larry Faulkner, the president of the University of Texas at Austin, ordered a recall of all 22,000 copies of the campus phone directory because the back cover was a full-page ad for a local strip club and featured skimpily clad women.
"Mother Teresa" Would Have Been Too Obvious
Kathrine Weikel, of Dallas, was ruled ineligible to run for the position of county clerk after her opponent in the Democratic primary protested the fact that she was running not under her real name but, in an apparent attempt to confuse voters, as "Kay Hutchison."
They Needed It to Build Their Case
The Dallas Police Department revealed that it had paid a confidential informant $200,000 for tips leading to some eighty drug busts, only to discover that almost half of the cocaine seized was in fact finely crushed Sheetrock.
The Robe Was Fake, But the Collar Was Real
A Florida man was arrested in Falfurrias after the Border Patrol's drug-sniffing dogs began barking at the trunk of his car, thus spoiling his plan to fool officers by dressing like a Catholic priest.
The Prudest Little Playhouse in Texas
In mid-May, according to the Associated Press, the board of the Crighton Theatre in Conroe ordered that all profanity be removed from its production of The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas, prompting the director, cast, and crew to walk out in protest.
Is That a Yes Or a No?
After two America West pilots had been removed from a flight two weeks earlier for drunkenness, the airline kicked Austinite Hans von Schweinitz and his family off a flight from Phoenix to Seattle because he asked a crew member if the pilots had taken a sobriety test.
Shoat First, Ask Questions Later
After police officers in Hot Springs, Arkansas, arrived at the house where Richard Barajas, of Houston, was staying, intending to arrest him for possession of a controlled substance, Barajas jumped from a balcony and ran but made the mistake of hiding in the sty of a neighbor's pet potbellied pig, whose alarmed squeals led to his capture.
There Was No Charge for the Bats in Her Belfry
Sandra McKee, of Waxahachie, convinced her husband, Charles, that they should build a $250,000 Victorian-style house identical to that used in her favorite TV series, The Munsters.
Next Time,Try Menudo
Three women who had traveled on a bus from Laredo to Dallas were arrested after Dallas police officers found that they had hidden, underneath their clothes, several cellophane-wrapped bricks of cocaine, which they had slathered with mole sauce to repulse drug-sniffing dogs.
www.gettylost.com
Before deciding not to run for reelection, Austin City Council member Beverly Griffith included in a political flyer a picture of a large and diverse group of people under the slogan "Beverly Brings Us Together!" The photo was not a picture of Griffith's supporters, however, but of a generic crowd image stocked by the photography Web site www. gettyone.com.
He Violated The Penile Code
An eighteen-year-old college student in San Antonio, on probation for driving while intoxicated, was caught by his probation officer smuggling in a fake urine sample and wearing a prosthetic phallus so that he could pretend he was actually urinating.
Show Us the Green Cheese or Shut Up
NASA agreed to pay a former aeronautics engineer, James Oberg, $15,000 to write a 30,000-word book that would refute claims from skeptics who think the July 20, 1969, moon landing was a hoax.
Gouda Grief! It Was A Muenster Collision. The Truckles Did a Rollot and the Driver Was in a Trappe, Gasping for Gruyère. "Edam It!" He Screamed. "I Can't Brie!"He Realized He Had Székely One Chance. "If You Don't Steppe on It And Get Out ofHere," He Told Himself, "Gjetost. You Need a Bitto Luck." Aurore Went up From the Spectators as He Leaped Ovár the Flames. "Muchas Gras," the Driver Said to the Crowd. "I Almost Bleu It. I Promessi You, I'm Going to Drink A Margherita and Eat A Limburger. Sposi Can Find a Couple of Bondes?" But Luck Cantal Be Good. When He Tried to Make Like Romano And Juliet in the Back Seat of a Chèvre, She Said, "Hit the Road, Jack." O Cruel Feta! But Queso-ra, Sera
An eighteen-wheeler caught fire near Snyder in July and melted its cargo of hundreds of pounds of mozzarella cheese.
Customs Became Suspicious When They Saw a Dozen Thin, Hollow-Cheeked People SuckingOn His Sleeves
A smuggler was arrested in Houston after he attempted to enter the United States carrying clothes soaked with 55 pounds of heroin.
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