What Kind of Year Was 2003?
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A Houston woman named Carmen, aged twenty, solicited money for breast implants through her personal Web site, DonateBoobs.com.
THE IRON FIST IN THE VELVEETA GLOVE
Deer Park High School announced it would proceed with theft charges against sophomore Corey Campbell, for estimated court costs of $400, for taking from the cafeteria a 25-cent container of melted cheese.
DON’T BE CREWEL
Daniel G. Puckett, of Kentucky, was sentenced to six months in prison for his behavior at the 2002 International Quilt Festival, in Houston, where he threw bleach on a quilt featuring Elvis Presley.
THEY SHOULD HAVE TRIED HIM FOR ASSAULT AND PEPPER
Rodger Martin, an automotive shop teacher at Lufkin High School, was acquitted of assault charges after an eighteen-year-old student suffered blistering and swelling because Martin had smeared his face with habanero pepper sauce.
MAROONED IN CYBERSPACE
University of Texas officials discovered that a link on the UT Web site that was intended to help students buy tickets for Longhorn football games took them instead to the Web site for Texas A&M’s Twelfth Man Foundation.
BUT HE’LL RECOMMEND JOHN ASHCROFT FOR A POSITION AT BOB JONES UNIVERSITY
The U.S. Department of Justice investigated Texas Tech biology professor Michael Dini after a student complained about Dini’s policy of refusing to write a recommendation for any student who doesn’t believe in evolution.
TERRELL BOLTON SENDS HIS REGARDS
During a ceremony intended to invite the Dallas City Council to Fort Worth’s upcoming stock show, a horse from the Cowtown contingent bit Dallas mayor Laura Miller on the arm.
ICH BIN EIN EAVESDROPPER
A German couple eating breakfast in the same Los Angeles restaurant as Renée Zellweger started gossiping in their native tongue about the Texas-born actress, criticizing her clothes and speculating about her height and marital status, only to be answered curtly in German by Zellweger herself, who said, “No, I’m not [married]. I’m five foot three, and I always dress this way in the morning.”
PROOF THAT TEXAS POLITICS IS GOING TO THE DOGS
A critic of Rick Perry’s role in congressional redistricting, protesting outside the Governor’s Mansion, displayed a sign suggesting an animal attraction between Perry and Tom DeLay.
THEY TRACED THEM TO THE GOVERNOR’S MANSION
The Clay County courthouse had to shut down for two days in July because of a severe infestation of fleas.
HE WAS HOPING TO GET AWAY WITH $87 BILLION
A Burleson man was apprehended after he robbed the Compass Bank in Salado while wearing a mask of President George W. Bush.
WIDE-OPEN SPACES— BETWEEN HER EARS
Shortly before the invasion of Iraq, Natalie Maines, of the Dixie Chicks, told a London audience, “Just so you know, we’re ashamed the president of the United States is from Texas.”
AND WE’RE ASHAMED THAT TEXAS IS SO CLOSE TO LOUISIANA
After Natalie Maines said that the Dixie Chicks were ashamed that the president was from Texas, some two hundred residents of Bossier City, Louisiana, gathered for a “Chicks Bash” and watched a 33,000-pound tractor drive over and crush tapes and CD’s of the group’s music.
TWELVE ANGRY HE-MEN
A San Antonio jury acquitted Richard Brown, of Michigan, after he shot a man who, during a party, had taunted him about being a “pretty boy” like *NSYNC singer Lance Bass.
DOES ADVERTISING WORK? JUST DIDN’T
To protest San Antonio’s ban on billboards in a scenic corridor, David Arrington advertised his business with legal on-site signs that, in addition to the company’s name, featured a huge hairy belly, a big toe with fungus, and what appeared to be a naked man sitting on the toilet.
THY ROD AND THY DUCT TAPE, THEY COMFORT ME
While flying from Honolulu to Los Angeles, Brian Kane Eager, of Austin, became so disruptive, pacing the aisle and reading loudly from the Bible, that fellow passengers overpowered him, held him down, and bound him with duct tape.
OH, GO CONDUCT YOURSELF
A Caldwell County jury found a man guilty of disorderly conduct for flipping the bird at a passing motorist, but the conviction was overturned by an appeals court, which determined that the use of the obscene gesture, although “repugnant, distasteful, and crass,” did not constitute disorderly conduct.
BOY: “NYAH NYAH NYAH NYAH, NYAH NYAH NYAH NYAH!”
GIRL: “HEY, HEY, HEY!”
SCHOOL DISTRICT: “GOOD-BYE.”
The El Paso Independent School District removed a twelve-year-old student from class, claiming that he had sexually harassed a female classmate when he stuck out his tongue at her.
FOR SALE BY OWNER: CHARMING ESTATE FOR THE ACTIVE COUPLE. HIS-AND-HER KITCHENS, POOLS. 12 LIV AREAS, 2 GAME RMS, CINEMAPLEX W/ CONCESSION STAND. ATTACHED GARAGE, GARAGE, GARAGE, GARAGE, GARAGE, GARAGE, GARAGE, GARAGE, GARAGE, GARAGE, GARAGE, GARAGE, GARAGE, GARAGE, GARAGE
After building a 48,000-square-foot home in Denton County complete with a 78-foot-high dome, a theater with a lobby, a ballroom, a racquetball court, a bowling alley, a two-story library, two kitchens, two elevators, two pools, and a fifteen-car garage, Shirley and Alan Goldfield decided to sell their house because it was too big.
AND THAT’S WHY THEY CALL IT THE COCKPIT
A pilot and a co-pilot for Southwest Airlines were fired for inappropriate conduct because, according to a flight attendant whom they had summoned, they had allegedly removed most or all of their clothing while in the air.
THEN THEY EXPELLED HER FOR RECOVERING
According to news reports, Caney Creek High School, in Conroe, expelled fifteen-year-old Brandon Kivi for distributing a dangerous drug because, after his girlfriend had suffered an asthma attack, he had lent her his inhaler.
JESUS WOULD HAVE ALSO PREFERRED SHORTER END-ZONE DANCES
A Dallas automotive shop owner sued Deion Sanders over a repair claim and testified that the former Dallas Cowboys cornerback had told him that Jesus wanted him to pay only $1,500 of a $4,265.57 bill.
REFUND FORM
YOU MUST PROVIDE THE FOLLOWING INFORMATION:
1. NAME
2. AGE
3. U.S. CITIZEN?
4. IF THE ANSWER TO NUMBER 3 IS NO, ARE YOU WILLING TO CLEAN OUR STORE SEVEN DAYS A WEEK WITH NO VACATION TIME OR BENEFITS?
A Mission teenager stabbed a man who was defending his mother during a purse-snatching at a McAllen mall and then, along with two friends, returned the knife to Wal-Mart for a full refund.
STARTING WITH YOURS
Dale Remy, the general manager of KZTV, in Corpus Christi, and KVTV, in Laredo, refused to air a miniseries about the early life of Adolf Hitler during prime time because he was afraid it might give some people bad ideas.
RACIST MORONS EAT FREE
To demonstrate their opposition to affirmative action, the Young Conservatives of Texas held bake sales at Southern Methodist University and Texas A&M at which cookies were offered for prices that varied according to race and gender, such as $1 for white males, 75 cents for white women, 50 cents for Hispanics, and 25 cents for blacks.
HERE’S TWO QUARTERS. NOW SHUT UP AND EAT YOUR COOKIES
Two black women sued Dallas-based Southwest Airlines for racial discrimination after they were among the last people to board an airplane and the flight attendant said over the intercom, “Eenie, meenie, minie, moe, pick a seat, we gotta go.” The women claimed that they were being ridiculed by the reference to a counting rhyme whose old-fashioned version once included the N-word.
HE GOT SCOOPED
Matt Boswell, of Little Elm, who owns a company that picks up pet poop, fabricated a story about a man stealing two bags of feces from his pickup truck so he could get free publicity from a story in the Dallas Morning News.
THE LOSING NUMBERS WERE 10-2-24
José Luis Betancourt, of Brownsville, won $12 million in the Texas lottery but was sentenced to prison and ordered to forfeit the jackpot because he had bought the winning ticket with drug money.
QUICK! SEND OUT FOR 40,000 PACKETS OF TARTAR SAUCE
A trucker from Oregon wrecked his trailer near Kerrville, causing the loss of 40,000 pounds of fish.
JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT WAS SAFE TO GET OUT OF THE WATER
Houston fisherman Saul Gonzalez hooked a three-and-a-half-foot-long bull shark and, wanting to pose for a picture with the live fish, pulled it into the boat, where it twisted around and bit him on the arm.
“SUSPECT REQUESTS OSSIFERS TO STOP PICKLING HIS FOLLOWUP TRUCK”
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