The 2007 Bum Steer Awards
Oddities & Absurdities! See the violent vice president! Catch the bumbling bank robber! Deplane the mean ministers’s wife!
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AND OF THAT 10 OR 20 PERCENT, NEARLY TWO THIRDS STILL WOULDN’T VOTE FOR HER BOSS
The Texas Academy of Science chose as its 2006 Distinguished Texas Scientist an expert on overpopulation who was criticized by Governor Perry’s spokesperson, Kathy Walt, for saying, “The world will be much better off when only ten or twenty percent of us are left.”
NOW THERE’S AN IDEA: BUILD THE WALL ON THE OTHER SIDE
Raj Peter Bhakta, a former cast member of The Apprentice, promoted his candidacy for a Pennsylvania congressional seat by flying to Brownsville and attempting to lead an elephant across the Rio Grande into Mexico to demonstrate how easily the border can be crossed.
FLUNK ’EM, HORNS
Even according to the NCAA’s more forgiving revised methodology, the University of Texas football team has the lowest graduation rate in the Big 12 Conference.
THEY’LL JUST SMUGGLE IT IN ON THE ELEPHANT
Ryan Lambert, of Plano, marketed Minuteman Salsa, whose label features a Revolutionary War–era minuteman, to “keep foreign-made salsa from slipping across the border into your pantry.”
IF IT WASN’T BEFORE, IT IS NOW
A Corpus Christi woman received a severed human finger in the mail, along with a note from her ex-boyfriend that said, “This is my last chance to touch you.”
THE ONLY THINGS HE VOLUNTARILY FORGOES ARE BAD NEWS AND GOOD ADVICE
In April President Bush took a seven-mile mountain bike ride on a trail in the Santa Rosa and San Jacinto Mountains National Monument, in Southern California, even though visitors are asked to voluntarily forgo the trail during the first half of the year to avoid disturbing the habitat of an endangered species of sheep.
OR ELSE THEY’LL ALL GO STRAIGHT TO HAIL
The Lubbock City Council and the Lubbock County Commissioners’ Court adopted resolutions urging residents to pray and fast for rain.
AFTER YOU MAKE IT RAIN, LORD, HOW ABOUT A PUFF PIECE?
In October Lubbock mayor David Miller e-mailed a request to nearly fifty city churches asking that their congregants pray for the media to cover him fairly.
CAN WE AT LEAST KEEP THE NAME OF THE SAM HOUSTON TOLLWAY?
Houston’s new professional soccer team changed its name to the Dynamo after its original name, the 1836, chosen to honor the year of the city’s founding, offended Hispanics, who complained that it was also the year Texas defeated Mexico.
HIS SOUTHERN CAL SCORE WAS MORE IMPORTANT
The Houston Texans declined to use their top draft choice on Texas Longhorns quarterback Vince Young after it was reported that he scored 6 out of a possible 50 on the Wonderlic test, which is given to NFL prospects to gauge their ability to learn new tasks and solve problems.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OF THE JURY, I’D ASK YOU TO PAWS. YOU DON’T THINK MY CLIENT HAS IT RUFF? AND WHAT DO THEY CALL HER? A BITCH! WE HAVE CHARACTER WITNESSES WHO WILL POINTER OUT AS A MODEL CITIZEN. BUT TO TRAMPLE HER RIGHTS, IT’LL TERRIER UP. PUG YOURSELF IN HER PLACE. SHE KNOWS SHE’S IN THE DOGHOUSE. POODLE LITTLE LOVE IN YOUR HEARTS FOR A PET CAUSE. THE PLAINTIFFS DON’T KNOW SHIH TZU. HOW CAN THEY SAY HER BARK IS WORSE THAN HER RIGHT? WOULD YOU HAVE HER ROTTWEILER OWNERS WAIT IN VAIN? DOES MY CLIENT NOT HAVE FEELINGS? IF YOU PINSCHER, DOES SHE NOT FEEL PAIN? IF YOU WHIPPET, DOES SHE NOT YELP? SCHNAUZER TIME TO STAND UP FOR WHAT’S RIGHT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. WEIMARANER SIDE? BECAUSE THIS DALMATIAN OF OURS WAS FOUNDED ON CERTAIN PRINCIPLES. AKITA UNDERSTANDING MY CLIENT IS PEKINGESE AT YOU RIGHT NOW FROM THE WITNESS STAND. I IMPLORE YOU TO HAVANESE A LITTLE COMPASSION.
Monty Stevens, an El Paso attorney representing a couple being sued by a neighbor who was disturbed by their barking dog, told the El Paso Times that the dog was exercising its right to free expression under the First Amendment.
BUT THEIR GREEN MONSTER NEEDS A FACE-LIFT. OURS ALREADY HAD ONE
Monopoly: Here and Now, an updated version of the venerable board game, features among its 22 new properties Texas Stadium, in Irving, which is valued at only $600,000, compared with $3.5 million for Fenway Park, in Boston.
TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE
When disgruntled voters sent Rick Perry checks for campaign contributions in amounts as small as a penny to protest his business tax, his campaign endorsed the checks “ASS ’06”—an acronym, the governor’s spokesman explained, for “a small supporter.”
WHO’S THE DUMBO IN THIS STORY?
After bypassing a moat, climbing a wood-and-metal barricade, scaling an eight-foot rock wall, and skirting an electric wire at the Cameron Park Zoo, in Waco, a 25-year-old woman sustained minor injuries when the elephant she was trying to “play” with hit her with its trunk.
BUT THEY HAD TO CANCEL THEIRS WHEN THEY COULDN’T FIND ANY PHONES TO TAP
Defending President Bush’s controversial electronic eavesdropping program, U.S. attorney general Alberto Gonzales claimed that George Washington and Abraham Lincoln were among the past presidents who’d “authorized electronic surveillance on a far broader scale.”
FIRST I’M GOING TO MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE FOR ALL MANKIND. THEN I’M GOING TO STRANGLE THAT BITCH WITH MY SASH
Margaret Ann Garza, Miss Southwest Texas 2006, and Elisa Marie Rodriguez, the sister of Miss Laredo 2006, filed assault charges against each other following their fight in a Laredo nightclub parking lot in July.
IF THE ROAD TO THE BRIDGE IS CLOSED, MOVE AHEAD THREE SPACES TO THE TEXAS SCHOOL BOOK DEPOSITORY
After Rhode Island congressman Patrick Kennedy was arrested for driving under the influence, Dallas-based Blockdot released an online game called Drive Like a Kennedy, in which players could choose to drive erratically like Patrick or his father, Massachusetts senator Ted Kennedy.
OKAY, HOW ABOUT “THE GAY- MARRIAGE- LOVING, ENDANGERED- SPECIES- HUGGING, GEORGE-BUSH-HATING, CIGARETTE-SMOKE-BANNING CAPITAL OF THE SOUTH”?
Residents of Austin, including the mayor, deluged the New York Times with angry letters after reporter Shaila Dewan described the self-appointed “Live Music Capital of the World” as the “Live Music Capital of the South.”
LIKE WE ALWAYS SAY: IT COSTS LESS TO SUBSCRIBE
Authorities in Round Rock arrested Paul Wendell Gunn, who had just robbed the First State Bank, after he sat down in the bank’s lobby to read the October 2005 issue of Texas Monthly.
HE COULD’VE JUST STAYED PUT, READ “TEXAS MONTHLY,” AND SAVED HIMSELF AND EVERYONE ELSE A WHOLE LOT OF GRIEF
Michael Paul Hammonds was arrested after robbing Peoples Bank, in Paris, partly because a man on a bicycle was able to pursue his decrepit pickup long enough to give police a detailed description of him and his license plate number.
SOIDONTENDUPANIGNORANTJERKLIKEYOU.COM MUST HAVE BEEN TAKEN
After his father refused to pay for his college education unless he became a Republican, seventeen-year-old Teddy Gambordella, of Dallas, launched the Web site onemillionreasonswhy.com, hoping to generate advertising revenue that would cover his tuition costs.
IF WE CAN’T BE FIRST, WE’D RATHER BE SIXTH. THAT WAY, WE’D HAVE A FIFTH IN FRONT OF US
Austin ranked fifth on a list of “America’s drunkest cities” compiled by Forbes.com.
FROM THE LOOKS OF TOWN LAKE, HE WAS TRYING TO COMMIT SEWERCIDE
Burglary suspect Brian Maxwell, of Austin, slipped out of his handcuffs, jumped from a moving police car, and leaped from the Congress Avenue Bridge into Town Lake, where he was apprehended by the Austin Police Department’s scuba team.
YOU KNOW, LIKE FORECLOSURES ARE AN UNFORTUNATE SIDE EFFECT OF LOANS
After dead and dying pigeons fell out of the sky in downtown Texarkana during a weekend festival, officials traced the problem to a CapitalOne bank branch, which had hired a pest control company to get rid of pigeons roosting on the bank’s roof. The exterminator distributed poisoned corn intended to sicken the birds, but, he said, sometimes death was an “unfortunate side effect.”
HE MUST BE FLUSH WITH CASH
Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban invested $1.3 million in a company that is trying to market a high-tech toilet.
TELL ME THE TRUTH: DOES NOT WEARING THESE JEANS MAKE ME LOOK LIKE A BIG ASS?
The Tarrant Apparel Group sued Jessica Simpson for failing to promote a line of blue jeans named after her despite signing an $8.2 million endorsement deal.
SHE DIDN’T WANT TO DO THAT EITHER
When sixteen-month-old Miranda Bolls, of Dallas, pushed the button on her new Potty Time With Elmo book, a voice asked, “Who wants to die?” instead of “Who wants to try to go potty?”
BE ALL YOU USED TO BE
Eighty-seven-year-old grandmother Lillye England, of Oak Cliff, received a recruiting letter from the U.S. Army.
NEXT THING YOU KNOW, THEY’LL BE MARRYING THEIR COUSINS
Texas A&M University officials protested to the Seattle Seahawks that referring to Seahawks fans as “the twelfth man” violated the university’s trademark on the phrase.
IF JESUS IS REALLY YOUR CO-PILOT, WHY ARE YOU FLYING COMMERCIAL?
Pastor Joel Osteen, of Lakewood Church, in Houston, and his wife, Victoria, were kicked off a Continental Airlines flight after a dispute with a flight attendant caused Mrs. Osteen to allegedly push an airline staffer and attempt to get into the cockpit.
IT WAS HER REACTION TO SKILLING THAT MATTERED
The trial of Ken Lay and Jeff Skilling was momentarily halted after a juror complained to the judge that she was overwhelmed by the cologne worn by Skilling’s attorney, Daniel Petrocelli.
EXXON, SI. CUBA, NO
The U.S. Treasury Department forced the owners of a hotel in Mexico City to kick out a group of Cuban government officials who were meeting with Texas oilmen about prospective offshore drilling agreements.
STILL, HE MAY BE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN’T SPELL IT
Referring to his native Connecticut, President Bush said, “I may be the only … presidential candidate who never carried the state in which he was born.” In fact, there have been many others.
STICK TO THE FART JOKES, SIR
At a Rose Garden press conference in June, President Bush teased a reporter for wearing sunglasses, pointing out, “There’s no sun.” The reporter was legally blind.
ROUGHING THE CANDIDATE!
New Orleans Saints quarterback Drew Brees, an Austin native, ordered his estranged mother, Mina Brees, to remove his likeness from campaign ads promoting her bid for a seat on the Texas Court of Appeals.
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