The 2009 Bum Steer Awards
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But He Continues To Invest Heavily In Dramma.com The Securities and Exchange Commission charged Dallas billionaire and NBA bad boy Mark Cuban with insider trading for dumping 600,000 shares in the Internet search company Mamma .com just hours after receiving a confidential phone call from the company’s CEO detailing a private investment plan that would effectively lower the stock price.
They Had No Immaculate Enrollment Plan LeVern Jordan, the co-founder of Parkway Christian School, in Spring, was the target of a sting by a local news crew who secretly recorded him soliciting sex from a woman in exchange for waiving the registration fees for her daughter.
At Least He Put It First on the Docket State district judge Robert Dry set a hearing for convicted murderer Charles Hood’s appeal for two days after Hood’s scheduled execution date.
Yeah, But Tomorrow Lubbock Will Be Sober and Menshealth.com Still Won’t Spell Worth a Damn A story on the Web site of Men’s Health magazine naming Austin, San Antonio, and Lubbock among the ten most dangerously drunk cities in the country was headlined “The Sobbering Truth.”
It’s Hard to Brush Your Teeth When You’re Drunk A story in Men’s Health ranked Lubbock last among one hundred cities examined in a survey of dental health.
Daa-aad! Stephanie Martinez was surprised when, during an attempted burglary of the Denton pizza restaurant where she worked, another employee violently subdued the robber, sending his wig-and-sunglasses disguise flying and revealing him to be Martinez’s father, Benjamin Ramirez.
Country First John McCain volunteer Ashley Todd, of College Station, reported to the Pittsburgh police that she had been robbed by a black man who, upon seeing a McCain sticker on her car, proceeded to carve the letter B into her cheek with a knife. Under questioning, she confessed that she had made up the entire story, which helped explain why the B was backward, as if carved by someone looking in a mirror.
Counselor Needs To Get Out More Often After a humiliating incident at Lubbock International Airport during which TSA screeners insisted she remove her nipple rings before boarding a flight, Mandi Hamlin hired publicity-hound attorney Gloria Allred, who held a press conference and declared, “The last time that I checked, a nipple was not a dangerous weapon.”
So That’s The Secret The children of Nell and Wallace Crain saw a photograph in the San Antonio Express-News on January 28, 2008, of their elderly parents, accompanied by a story in which the old couple shared their secrets for a happy marriage. The Crains had died in 2007.
All Opposed To Showing Her Mercy Say, “Neigh!” Corsha Beasley was arrested outside a bar on Austin’s Sixth Street, where police had been called to break up a raucous crowd; after refusing a mounted officer’s order to move along, she pulled off her shoe and smacked the officer’s horse in the head with it.
Wastestrong An Austin American-Statesman survey of the biggest local residential water users revealed that Lance Armstrong consumed more than 7,430 gallons per day, 26 times more than the average area homeowner.
Or Steal a Car. Whatever’s Easiest Wanted for murder, Cristobal Jaimes, of Dallas, called 911 to give himself up, but the operator told him he’d have to find his own way to jail and suggested he take the bus.
Sign Him Up! A brawl erupted after a wedding reception in a Galveston hotel, resulting in several people being arrested, including the bride’s father, her brother, and Houston Astros pitcher Brandon Backe, a friend of the bride’s family, who was punched twice in the face by a police officer.
He Still Couldn’t Carry Palestine An October poll by University of Texas government professors showed that 23 percent of Texans thought that Barack Obama, a practicing Christian who speaks often about his faith, was really a Muslim.
Luckily, The Muslim Has a Plan The latest Census Bureau report tabulating the number of citizens without health insurance showed that Texas again led the nation, with 24.8 percent uninsured.
Okay, but She Still Dominates in The 49.9375-Yard Event Texas A&M University swimmer Triin Aljand’s NCAA record in the 50-yard freestyle was disallowed when the Aggies’ state-of-the-art pool, which has a movable bulkhead allowing it to be configured at different lengths, was measured after the race and found to be set an inch short.
Explains Why The Sheets Were So Sticky Fellowship Church pastor Ed Young preached to his Grapevine congregation from a king-size bed for a sermon encouraging married couples to have sex every day for a week, claiming that “sex is like Super Glue.”
1: Locate Floor 2: Place Feet on Floor 3: Remain Upright Capital Metro transit, of Austin, paid an advertising agency $4,990 to create bus placards instructing riders how to stand while the bus is moving.
$10K a Month in This Economy? Have We Got a Job For You! According to the Texas attorney general’s office, for almost two years Brian Brumfield, of Houston, made at least $10,000 a month in a “badge fraud” scheme, billing companies for advertisements in bogus publications purporting to raise money for the families of fallen lawmen.
Sixty-nine Percent Felt It Was Unfair to The Effluent Thirty-one percent of voters approved of an initiative placed on the ballot in San Francisco by critics of the president to rename the Oceanside Water Pollution Control Plant the George W. Bush Sewage Plant.
Another Satisfied Haltom’s Customer A customer at Haltom’s, a jewelry store in Fort Worth, brought in a 4-carat, $60,000 diamond ring to be cleaned but left with a 7.4-carat, $121,000 ring mistakenly given to her by a store employee.
How to Win Friends and Influence Teammates After Texas Rangers closer C. J. Wilson’s statements in an ESPN interview about his teammates’ general lack of political knowledge offended starting pitcher Brandon McCarthy, McCarthy posted a rebuttal in the comments thread of a blog post on lonestarbaseball.com, to which Wilson posted this reply: “Come on man you have to admit the median or average guy in a baseball clubhouse does drive an SUV, drinks beer, golfs, likes college sports, chews or dips tobacco and is relatively a douchebag.”
They Were Going To Send Him Back To the Land Of Criminal Masterminds For several years, Saúl Espinoza, of Boerne, posed as an illegal immigrant to avoid arrest warrants issued under his real name. He confessed to the truth when agents with Immigration and Customs Enforcement sought to deport him.
It Is Said the Devout Were Able to See the Savior’s Nose Bleed Bernardino Garcia-Cordova was arrested for attempting to smuggle drugs into Laredo from Mexico after a drug-sniffing dog alerted on Garcia-Cordova’s statue of Jesus, which turned out to be molded from six pounds of cocaine.
Bats: “We Understand It’s A Business” Laredo’s minor league baseball team, the Broncos, obtained pitcher John Odom, of the Calgary Vipers, in a trade for ten maple baseball bats.
Because Nothing Says “Friday Night Lights” Like An Order of Ana-Kyu-Maki The concessions at Southlake Carroll High School’s Dragon Stadium now feature a grass-skirted tiki hut that serves sushi.
Is That Where The Term “Subpoena” Comes From? Houston attorney Dick DeGuerin, representing a man charged with indecent exposure, called an expert witness to testify that his client’s private parts were too small to have been seen by the arresting officer.
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