Short Cuts: Episode VI 
Kinky Friedman
Gov Hunt
Free advice from the only man on earth who’s had the misfortune of running against both Bill White and Rick Perry.
Margie says: Excellent, Great stuff from Kinky. Wish he could come to Colorado and write a review of the governor race. If you think he had material to write about in Texas (which he did a wonderful job of) he could do a book on Colorado’s governor candidates. (August 2nd, 2010 at 10:22am)
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Ann Richards once told me at a long-ago Democratic fundraiser, “Bill White reminds me of a talking penis.” She was smiling when she said that. She really did like you, Bill. You see, you can make your lack of hair work for you. You can beat it to death, and the public will love you for it. Have fun with this, Bill. Trust me. The cheerleaders should not be allowed to have all the fun. Besides, Texans are tired of former cheerleaders getting into politics. Hell, we’ve already had George W., Kay Bailey, and Rick. With cheerleaders like that, we’re just lucky that Jesus was our quarterback.
All this notwithstanding, in Perry vs. White we have a classic choice of paper or plastic, each candidate invariably toeing the petrified party line. Yet as they promise us things they will never deliver, they must at least feign an interest in the issues that would make up their platform. The best platform for any politician, of course, is one with a trapdoor in it.
An obvious issue that will clearly be around for many years is the BP oil leak. Perry has already called it “an act of God,” and White has hammered him for it. Enlightened voters will side with White, but the lowest common denominator will go with Perry, believing White is attacking God. Advantage Perry.
White is left with the unpleasant task of defending the administration upon whose watch the spill occurred. He should emphasize the positive—we’re finally making good on our promises to export oil to Mexico.
Perry should keep up a steady drumbeat of criticism upon the administration, saying things like “Why not plug the hole with the Nobel Peace Prize? Or Bill White’s head?”
Immigration is also a major issue, though neither candidate has the cojones to take a whack at that poison piñata. Nevertheless, they should at least pretend to be deeply concerned. Perry doesn’t mind open borders because it helps provide cheap labor for his fat-cat corporate benefactors. He should adopt a wait-and-see policy and let Arizona take all the heat. A wait-and-see policy has worked for ten years, why stop now?
White wants open borders as well, to help build the Democratic voter base. He can’t say that, of course. About all he can do is strap on an oversized sombrero, take a healthy swig of Mexican mouthwash, and tell the mariachis to play “Don’t Fence Me In.” Or out.
The budget is Perry’s ace in the hole, and he will play it for all it’s worth. Though we are the tenth-largest economy in the world, according to the comptroller’s office, we continue to pay our teachers well below the national average. In a run-up to his presidential campaign, Perry will trumpet the fact that, while most of the country’s in the red, he’s kept Texas in the black. Having run against Perry myself, I know how hellish it is to try to trump him on this issue. I’m afraid White may have to resort to the truth. The fact is, we’re a rich, beautiful, sprawling, warm-temperatured state with a colorful cowboy legacy that appeals to everybody in the world. We have no state income tax and no powerful unions to speak of. White has got to stop Perry from jumping in front of this parade. White must shout to the mountaintops what is the plain, undeniable truth and just pray somebody’s listening: A blue-buttocked baboon could’ve kept Texas in the black. All you have to do is nothing.
My final advice to both Rick and Bill is to not be content with being important. Strive to be significant. Strive not to be politicians but to be statesmen. One good way to accomplish this is to be the only true Christian in the race: Speak out against the death penalty. I apologize that you had to hear this from a Jew. But remember, gentlemen, that’s who you heard it from the first time.
Now for the disclaimer: I know Rick Perry and Bill White, and I like them both personally. They are good sports and good people (they’re just not good at sports or with people). But when all is said and done, Perry and White are creatures of narrow habit; they are the packaged products of the two political parties whose self-interest is infinite and all encompassing. It is only the tea parties, the independents, the Libertarians, the people on the outside looking in who might be capable of producing a leader who truly cares about representing all the people; the Republicans and the Democrats have become, inexorably, the same guy admiring himself in the mirror. In Austin, as in Washington, they are little more than the bullies of the playground, and the longer they remain in power, the worse, and the more corrupt, they get. That is why term limits are so important. I suggest limiting all elected officials to just two terms—one in office and one in prison.
And finally, some sad news has reached me tonight at the Bandera Home for the Bewildered. I was just coming out of a career-planning seminar with Farouk Shami when I learned that the last liberal in Texas had died. At the pearly gates, he reportedly told Saint Peter that he would enter heaven only if he could be assured that he’d never encounter Rick Perry there. Saint Pete laughed and told him not to worry, it would never happen. Nonetheless, just as the liberal was checking into his green, solar-paneled penthouse, he looked out his window and saw a guy with a humongous coif of black hair, wearing a Gucci camouflage jumpsuit and carrying a hunting rifle. The guy was pushing some angels around and shouting, “Get out of my way—let me get on down the road.”
Well, the liberal raced right back to Saint Peter’s office, mad as hell. “You promised me!” he said. “But I just looked out my window and there he was! Rick Perry!”
Saint Peter had to chuckle. “That wasn’t Rick Perry,” he said. “That was God. He just thinks he’s Rick Perry.”
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