The 2011 Bum Steer Awards
(Page 2 of 3)
“Remember the Alamo® Brand War Memorial Visitors Center!”
The daughters of the Republic of Texas filed an (ultimately unsuccessful) application to trademark the term “The Alamo.”
Thankfully his iron gavel was in his other sweatpants
When Houstonian Adam Kliebert aimed surveillance cameras at his driveway to learn who was scratching the paint on his and his girlfriend’s cars, he discovered that the man keying the vehicles was his neighbor, former state district judge Woody Densen, who pleaded guilty in April.
Poor aim not being one of them
Kara Bishop, the manager of Jeff Barton’s primary campaign for Hays County judge, publicly apologized for throwing her phone at Barton, hitting him in the face and bloodying his lip. Bishop said the incident occurred when she and Barton, who won the race, were discussing some stress-related problems she’d been having.
“It should be right there on the dash—next to my dignity”
Police investigating a possible break-in at Regal Plastics in Fort Worth discovered employee Kenneth Clyde Jackson and arrested him after they found a bag of marijuana in his truck, where Jackson had sent the officers to retrieve his identification, since he was, at the time, stark naked.
If it’s meat loaf, white rice, steamed brussels sprouts, iced tea or skim milk, and blueberry cobbler, it must be the second Tuesday in April
Leslie Chisolm, of Friendswood, revealed on a local newscast that she plans in advance what her family will eat for dinner for every single night of the year.
Now that’s hard time
Kytrina Lewis, a guard at a Dallas County jail, resigned after being accused of fraternizing with a male prisoner, who performed a lap dance at her desk and masturbated to photos of her contained on her cell phone, which she had given him.
He also demanded $200 for mental anguish caused by an unevenly warmed Cinnabon
Houston personal-injury attorney Bill Ogletree threatened to sue the City of Houston, Continental Airlines, and a concessionaire at George Bush Intercontinental Airport unless they paid him $800 for a leather coat he left at an airport food court.
Not including the time we gave the chair of the geology department a swirly
Texas A&M University—Commerce football players were reprimanded after swiping all campus copies of the student newspaper, presumably bcause the top story that day concerned the arrest of two players in a drug sting. “I’m proud of my players,” head coach Guy Morriss said. “This was the best team-building exercise we have ever done.”
As it happens, that’s what the Chisolms had for dinner on Thursday May 13
To test how space-craft trash bags would perform with various likely contents, NASA scientists used a mixture of cottage cheese, tomato soup, apple juice, soy sauce, and frozen vegetables as a substitute for human vomit.
And He said, “Weaken the testing regime on thy blowout preventer.” And it came to pass. And He said, “Let thy cement be as watery mud.” And it came to pass. And He said, “Ignore thee warnings from thy contractors, who are idle.”And it too came to pass. And then He said . . . “RUN LIKE HELL—IT’S GONNA BLOW!”
Speaking in Washington, D.C., about the Gulf oil spill, Governor Rick Perry said, “From time to time there are going to be things that occur that are acts of God that cannot be prevented.”
His wounds were the only evidence of penetration
Michelle Thomas, of Hudson, was arrested for stabbing her common-law husband with a pair of scissors. The victim told police Thomas had become enraged when he couldn’t sexually satisfy her.
Minus a couple of fools, it was a foolproof crime
A man in a dress and a teenager armed with a caulk gun fled empty-handed from the Austin convenience store they were trying to rob after the 68-year-old clerk hit the teenager with a trash can.
Will the gentleman from Michigan who slaughters infants please yield for a point of clarification?
Randy Neugebauer, of Lubbock, shouted, “Baby killer!” at Michigan representative Bart Stupak as Stupak was speaking to the House of Representatives on abortion provisions in the health care reform bill. Neugebauer later issued something of an apology, claiming he was referring not to Stupak but the legislation.
The bank had zero percent interest in the finer points of home finance
After workers for Bank of America changed the locks and disconnected the electricity at Alan Schroit’s Galveston home as part of a foreclosure proceeding, 75 pounds of fish in his freezer thawed and leaked, causing water damage and a permanent stench. Schroit, in fact, owned his home free and clear and had no relationship with Bank of America.
Experts believe the girl to be signaling the following: “’Sup, playa? I’m mad cheerful!”
School administrators at San Antonio’s James Madison High School refused to allow freshman Charlie Patton’s photo to appear in the 2009—2010 yearbook. One school official reportedly told Patton that her goofy-grinned pose could be interpreted as a gang sign.
It was a queso poor judgment
Randy Scott Esckilsen, of San Antonio, allegedly knifed Marty Henke as the two fought over a plate of nachos. The bleeding Henke called the police, who arrested both men when they discovered Henke had an outstanding drug warrant.
Apartments for rent? We have naan
Leasing agent Daniesha Davis filed a housing discrimination complaint against her employer, Stonebridge at Bear Creek, in Euless, claiming she had been instructed not to lease apartments in certain buildings to Asian and Middle Eastern applicants because “they were dirty and they cooked with curry.”
That kind of evidence is pretty rare, but the steakout was well-done. He was no small fry, no flash in the pan, all sizzle and no steak. No, he was prime. The cops grilled him, threatened to beef it out of him. Still, he wouldn’t be cowed and refused to be the butt of their accusations, even when faced with vealed threats. So one of the detectives—Stew? No, it was Chuck—steered him next door for a New York strip search. Found a shank on him too. No matter how you slice it, the police deserve to be braised. Now, here’s the rib: Will anyone post his bail once he’s charred?
Ronnie Allen Brock, who a clerk said had shoplifted meat a dozen times from an Austin grocery store, was apprehended after he was seen stuffing fifteen pounds of beef down his pants.
It was a good gig ’em while it lasted
According to a story in the Bryan—College Station Eagle, Texas A&M University hired Alexander Kemos as its third-most-senior administrator at a salary of $300,000 per year, without first verifying his credentials, which included a completely fabricated stint in the Navy Seals and non-existent master’s and doctoral degrees from Tufts University.
Copies of Alexander Kemos’s résumé available upon request
In a cost-saving move, Texas A&M decided to stop stocking student dormitory bathrooms with toilet paper.
Atascosa County: It’s like a whole other country
Atascosa County’s absentee ballot mailing included an instruction card that, instead of the Texas flag, erroneously displayed the Chilean flag.
The evidence was stacked against her
Amber Cheek, a dancer at a Waco topless club, was convicted of assault for an altercation with fellow dancer Staci Fox, who testified that Cheek had left disfiguring bite marks on her breasts.
“Officer, I can explain . . . no, wait, I can’t”
Police officers responding to an after-hours burglar alarm at a Litchfield, Connecticut, bank found actor and Temple native Rip Torn staggering around, drunk and barefoot, with a loaded gun in his pocket. Torn had broken into the bank thinking it was his home.
Today the gold medal in curling, tomorrow—world domination!
In a widely vilified column for the Fort Worth Star-Telegram, sports columnist Gil LeBreton compared Canada’s conspicuous patriotism during the 2010 Vancouver Olympics to Nazi Germany’s rabid nationalism during the 1936 Berlin Olympics.
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