The 2013 Bum Steer Awards
Now with special advice from the Texanist!
(Page 2 of 4)
Patricia Walker, of University Park, is suing Neiman Marcus for refusing to accept returns of $1.4 million in gifts her then husband bought for her with help from Ms. Walker’s personal Neiman’s shopper, who earned a steep commission on the sales—and with whom Walker’s husband was allegedly having an affair.
The Texanist’s Advice: People think that because the Texanist is a purveyor of properness, he is some kind of prude. Not at all. If consenting adults wish to engage in intimate relations, the Texanist wants them to do it. He just wants them to do it without getting into trouble, ruining their marriages, or ending up in the January issue of Texas Monthly. Remember, there is a time, a place, a mode—or a number of modes, come to think of it—and a manner by which to go about doing it. Be safe.
CRIME DON'T PAY. ESPECIALLY IF YOU CAN'T DO IT GOOD.
For they are jolly good felons, for they are jolly good felons . . .
FUNNY, WHEN THEY CASED THE JOINT EARLIER THAT DAY, THE VAULT WAS OPENBurglars who targeted the Texas Bank and Trust in Cushing cut power and phone lines and carefully pried open a back door to get inside undetected but got away with only $70 in quarters.
“BUT THE TOP OF MY HEAD IS MY BEST SIDE!”
Sean Payne was so drunk when Humble police arrested him for public intoxication that an officer had to hold his head up so his mug shot could be taken.
WE’RE GONNA NEED A CLEANUP ON EYE’LL TWO
Willie Roy Mayfield was trying to shoplift three 12-packs from an Oak Cliff 7-Eleven when a clerk interceded. During the ensuing struggle, Mayfield lost his glass eye.
“THUN OF A BITH!”
A Rusk County woman was arrested for stealing a truck from a Kilgore lumberyard when her dentures were found on the ground there several days after the theft. She had been arrested for a different crime the day the truck was stolen and mentioned to police at the time that she’d lost her teeth but couldn’t remember where.
“IF YOU’D LIKE TO MAKE A HAUL, PLEASE HANG UP AND TRY YOUR CRIME AGAIN”
While brothers Charles and Kevin Williamson were allegedly burglarizing a Lufkin construction site, one of them accidentally called 911 on his cellphone. Based on their overheard conversation, a dispatcher guessed their location, and police caught them a short time later with copper wire and aluminum in their car.
The Texanist’s Advice: Why don’t more people involved in questionable situations ever stop to ask themselves, “Would my momma be proud of me right now?” For these ne’er-do-wells, the answer would have been clear. Sadly, even if the mommas of these outlaws had raised them to run contra the law, the answer would still be the same.
CALL OF THE WILD
A salute to those who’ve been on their beast behavior.
LET’S NOT GO GELDING AHEAD OF OURSELVES. THEY SADDLE BE A WHILE BEFORE HE CAN POST BAIL. AND TO BE FAIR, HE FETLOCK HE WASN’T DOING ANYTHING WRONG. BIT C’MON, ANY THREE-YEAR-OLD COULD SEE THE EVIDENCE WAS MOUNTING. BECAUSE WITHERS HE KNEW IT WAS WRONG OR NOT, IT WAS A REAL NEIGH-NEIGH. BUT DAM, WE’RE ALL EQUINE UNDER THE LAW. AND HAY, DO WE FILLY UNDERSTAND THE DETAILS, IN THE MANE? MAYBE IT’S BETTER NOT TO STIRRUP TROUBLE. THEN AGAIN, THE MARE’S OFFICE SAYS IT’S NOT HIS FIRST RODEO. AND EVEN WHEN THEY RODE HIM HARD, HE HAD THE NERVE TO ASK, “GEE, CANTER GUY ENJOY A LITTLE HORSEPLAY?” WHAT CROP! HE’S CLEARLY NOT STABLE. THEY SHOD PUT HIM IN A CELL FURLONG TIME. AND NOT TO NAG, BUT HE OAT TO AT LEAST SAY HE’S SORRY IF HE WANTS TO BE BACK IN GOOD STEED. STILL, IT’LL BE A LONG SWAYBACK TO RESPECTABILITY FOR THAT NO-GOOD HORSE RAPER.
A Hidalgo County man was arrested for animal cruelty and trespassing after he was caught on a rancher’s surveillance video tying a horse to a post and having sex with it. When questioned, the man admitted to also having sex with a horse in a case reported at another ranch.
HIDALGO COUNTY HORSES GET BETTER TREATMENT, IN THE END
To raise awareness of equine abuse, C. W. Cooper, of Erath County, launched what he claimed would be an around-the-world, five-year horseback ride. Within months, critics called on him to halt his ride because two of the donated horses had broken down and one had to be euthanized.
The Texanist’s Advice: There’s a reason man was given dominion over the beasts: because he was supposed to be able to handle the responsibility. These fellows deserve to be horsewhipped. And the horses should get to do the whipping!
BAD FOR BIDNESS
They did build this, but now they’re doing their level best to destroy it.
ASK ABOUT OUR LAYAWAY-IN-THE-HOSPITAL PLAN
Houston Walmart employee Lance Ferguson was charged with aggravated assault after he pursued a suspicious customer out of the store and then intentionally ran the teen down with his car, causing minor injuries.
WHAT’D SHE EXPECT FOR A $6.66 OIL CHANGE?
A Fort Worth woman was alerted by a Walmart auto technician that someone—likely a technician at another Walmart with whom she’d had a run-in—had defaced the underside of her car with satanic symbols written in gasket sealant.
NOT TO WORRY, FOLKS, WE’VE JUST HIT A SMALL POCKET OF MENTAL TURBULENCE
Just before takeoff, an American Airlines plane was sent back to the gate at DFW because a flight attendant got on the PA and yelled, “Captain, I am not responsible for crashing this plane!”
“EXCUSE ME, WAITER, THERE’S A HEROIN MY SOPA”
Jovita’s, a Mexican restaurant and bar in Austin, was closed when its owner, Amado Pardo, was arrested by federal agents for allegedly running a longtime heroin-dealing operation out of his eatery.
AND DON'T EVEN ASK ABOUT THE NASHER ICE SCULPTURE CENTER
After it was installed, the reflective glass exterior of Dallas's new museum tower was discovered to be directing so much intensified sunlight at the nearby Nasher Sculpture Center that the plants in its garden died, some artwork inside had to be moved, and visitors complained of being temporarily blinded.
The Texanist’s Advice: The Texanist doesn’t have a fancy business degree, but he does know that violence, public lunacy, and devil graffiti on a customer’s undercarriage can impede an establishment’s ability to thrive. He suggests that all businesspeople in tricky situations pause and consider for a moment whether their actions constitute a step toward, or away from, the Forbes 400 list.
NEKKID DRIVERS
Seriously, this is a category.
SHE’S NUDE TO THIS CRIME THING
Upon apprehending Taylor Burnham for DWI and evading arrest following a brief car chase, Corpus Christi police noted that the eighteen-year-old was wearing nothing but cowboy boots.
LUCKILY HE SKIDDED PAST VICTORIA’S SECRET
In Dallas a nude man drove his truck through the entrance of Southwest Center Mall, coming to a stop in front of Champs Sports, where police arrested him inside as he was getting dressed in store merchandise.
FOREVER AND EVER A MAN WHO’LL HAVE THAT TO LIVE DOWN
Country singer Randy Travis was arrested for DWI in Grayson County after he wrecked his 1998 Trans Am in a one-car accident and was found lying naked in the road.
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