The 2013 Bum Steer Awards

Now with special advice from the Texanist!

January 2013

(Page 4 of 4)

THAT’S WHY HE’S NEVER CAUGHT TRAVELING THERE

San Antonio Spurs player Stephen Jackson offended some in his hometown by telling the sports website Grantland that Port Arthur is “a hellhole.”

AT LEAST NOW HE’S A LITTLE LESS FULL OF HIMSELF

Conservative talk show host and Westlake resident Glenn Beck attempted to auction an “artwork” on eBay consisting
of a President Obama doll sealed in a jar of what Beck claimed was his own urine.

“WEEZY! SHUT THAT REFRIGERATOR!”

After sitcom icon Sherman Hemsley, of The Jeffersons, died on July 24 at his El Paso home, his body remained in cold storage at a mortuary for four months because of legal disputes between claimants to his modest estate. 

SO HE ADMITS HE WASN’T UP TO SNUFF

Rangers superstar Josh Hamilton attributed his mid-season slump and subsequent half-hearted play to his difficulty quitting smokeless tobacco.

ON THE WRONG ROAD AGAIN

Not long after Willie Nelson's arrest at the Sierra Blanca Border Patrol checkpoint for marijuana possession (after which he advised touring musicians to "try going through Colorado"), rapper Snoop Dogg and singer Fiona Apple were also busted, separately, for trying to carry weed and hash through the same checkpoint.

The Texanist’s Advice: Note to nonnative celebrities: the fact that many non-famous citizens of Texas are themselves given to loud, swaggering, puffed-up, and blustery behavior worthy of divas like Lindsay Lohan has mostly inoculated the common Texan against becoming starstruck over most anybody. This is especially true of our law enforcement.

 

SOCIAL MEDIA

Public humiliation is easier than ever. What’s not to “like”?

BUT SOCIAL MEDIA AMATEUR

On her LinkedIn page, Lindsay Ann Grice, a woman arrested for manufacturing methamphetamine following a meth lab fire in Klein, listed her occupation as “Chemicals Professional.”

SEVENTY-FIVE IF HE SLID IN AFTER IT

Evidently angered by a negative book review in the Dallas Morning News, author Buzz Bissinger tweeted, “If Dallas slid into sinkhole, nation’s IQ would rise by 50 points.”

HIS NEW EMBEDDED LOCATION IS IN PRISON

Higinio O. Ochoa II, of Galveston, was sentenced to two years in federal prison for hacking into law enforcement websites after he anonymously boasted about it on Twitter. His tweet was accompanied by a photo that included embedded location data, which enabled FBI agents to track him down.

#NEVERSAYNEVER

Pearland police nabbed Mahogany Mason-Kelly for outstanding traffic warrants after they learned that she had recently tweeted, “I still gotta warrant in Pearland . . . those pigs will NEVER catch me!!! . . . NEVER!!!”

The Texanist’s Advice: Ah, the social network. The Texanist has himself taken to this “space,” with a “presence” on both Twitter and Facebook. This has been a mostly successful endeavor, but there have been occasions when he has come close to shooting his career in the cyber-foot. Lucky for him, he has a cubicle of interns who review his tweets for clarity, social media illiteracy, fogginess, and/or nudity. Unfortunately, not everyone has this luxury. The Texanist suggests a thorough once-over before releasing irretrievable electronic transmissions.

 

WORST OF THE REST

These dopes are in a class all their own. And they’re flunking it.

THEY’LL HAVE TO PRY THAT DUMB METER FROM HER COLD DEAD HANDS

To prevent a utility company employee from installing a “smart” power meter at her home, Thelma Taormina, of Houston, pulled a gun on him.

HE’S INTO LIVE-STREAMING

Derrick Rix, of Fort Worth, was arrested for improper photography/video when a witness told police he’d caught Rix taking a cellphone video of him using the urinal in a department-store restroom.

SHE WEARS A SIZE AAAAIIIGH, I’M GONNA KILL YOU!

Victoria Perez was arrested for aggravated assault with a deadly weapon following a melee among seventeen women in the dressing room of the Hot Bodies men’s club, in Austin, during which a male strip-club employee was seriously injured when Perez hit him in the face with a spike-heeled shoe. 

THEY’RE JUST GOING TO SPEND IT ON MORE BANDWIDTH

An ad agency recruited Austin homeless people to serve as roaming Internet hot spots during the South by Southwest Music, Film, and Interactive Festival. Donating $2 to a homeless person unlocked fifteen-minute access to his or her personal hot spot. 

FRIVOLOUS?! TELL THAT TO THE MOST HIGHLY EXALTED FROBISHER OF THE SATANIC AMALGAM QUADRANGLE!

Inmate Courtney Royal had his federal religious discrimination suit against prison officials dismissed as frivolous. Royal had sued for the right to practice so-called West African spiritualism, of which he is “Vampsh Black Sheep League of Doom Gardamun Family Circle Master Vampire High Priest.” 

AUTHORITIES ALSO UNCOVERED A CACHE OF PB AND Js WITH THE CRUSTS CUT OFF

Twenty-two-year-old Jerrome Dominick was arrested for robbery when witnesses identified him as the man who strong-armed a cellphone from a five-year-old boy at a Galveston playground. 

BLEED ORANGE, PILFER GREEN

Vanessa Mayner, a University of Texas athletics accounting clerk, was indicted for embezzling $3,598 in donations meant to reimburse athletes’ cab fares and spending it on transportation for herself, her friends, and her family to destinations including Austin nightclubs, her wedding, and her residence in Buda. 

IN HINDSIGHT IT WAS A MISTAKE TO SAVE THAT FOR HIS APPEAL

LaDondrell Montgomery, of Houston, had his life sentence for armed robbery overturned in a post-conviction hearing,
because records showed he was incarcerated in a Harris County jail at the time of the crime. 

VICTORY OR DEATH! OR A BEER!

The General Land Office, the new owner of the Alamo complex, announced it would end the long-standing no-alcohol policy for events at adjacent Alamo Hall, over the objections of the current custodian and former owner of the site, the Daughters of the Republic of Texas. 

REMEMBER THE ALAMO . . . IS NOT A PORT-A-POTTY

Daniel Athens, of San Antonio, was arrested and charged with criminal mischief after he was caught urinating on the Alamo. 

The Texanist’s Advice: Geez. The Texanist is depressed. He is clearly not doing a good enough job in his monthly column of directing Texans away from ignominious situations such as the many summarized above. Why do folks like Thelma Taormina and Derrick Rix not feel comfortable asking for his counsel? He is here to help! Had Victoria Perez contacted him about the propriety of assaulting her Hot Bodies co-worker with a stiletto heel, the Texanist could have gently instructed her as to the whereabouts of a better place to grind her ax. Had Daniel Athens asked if it was okay to relieve himself on the Alamo, it would have been explained to him in the simplest of terms exactly where he could go. Et cetera, et cetera, ad infinitum. In the hopes of avoiding such problems in the year ahead, let’s make this easy: the Texanist’s email address is texanist@texas​monthly.com and he’s always available. Perhaps there ought to be a 24-hour hotline . . .