“Arrests for alcohol up in wake of A&M loss,” was the headline on a story in the Bryan-College Station Eagle Monday.

Well, duh. Talk about dog-bites-man.

The Aggies may have racked up seven public intoxication arrests and two DUIs after Saturday’s home opener against Florida, but when it comes to football weekend crime reports, this is one win that we’re giving to the Horns: The University of Texas police department’s infamous “Campus Watch” is, in its own way, as great a treasure as the Lufkin police blotter.

That’s largely due to its primary writer, Crime Prevention Unit officer Darrell Halstead, whose writing style is part Dashiell Hammett and part Dorothy Parker. (We might be exaggerating a little. As does Officer Halstead.) 

While Halstead always includes serious advice about sobriety, personal safety and theft prevention, he’s also known for certain euphemisms, including the phrases, “personal splash zone,” “legendary four-legged stall creature,” and “unidentified leafy green substance.”

One recent entry read, “The student was wearing evidence that she had also had had an extreme physical reaction to the over consumption of alcohol. However, she was not wearing the evidence well.”

Another unfortunate student was said to be having “a personal Shakespearian (sic) moment, a ‘To Pee or Not to Pee’ moment.”

Yesterday, Halstead even got political:

One way to combat pickpockets is to take a large rubber band and wrap it around your wallet. This will help you detect that someone other than the government has their hand in your wallet.

Of course, there’s no time quite like fall semester and the football season. As Halstead deadpanned on August 29:

“A number of subscribers have noted the following: The students are back. Yes they are.”

Below, a few favorites from the past two weeks, mostly centered around UT’s September 1 game against Wyoming and the September 8 contest against New Mexico, both of which had evening kickoffs, for extra alcohol-related fun. We’ve bolded the best parts for your amusement:

BELMONT HALL, 2109 San Jacinto Blvd.
Possession of Alcohol by a Minor: A UT student was observed attempting to conceal a zebra-striped “floppy flask” inside his boot. The officer soon learned the student was under the legal age to be in possession alcohol. The student was issued a court appearance citation for Possession of Alcohol by a Minor. Occurred on: 9-08-12, at 8:12 PM.

DKR TEXAS MEMORIAL STADIUM, 2200 Robert Dedman Dr.
Assault: Officers responded to Section 25 on a reported disturbance. During the investigation, the officers learned the suspect had been smoking a cigarette and was asked to put it out. The suspect took his cigarette and put it out on the victim’s arm. That action led to another action that was equal to or greater than the first action and a fight ensued. The victim refused to file charges and the suspect was ejected from the stadium. Occurred on: 9-08-12, at 9:07 PM.

DKR TEXAS MEMORIAL STADIUM, 2200 Robert Dedman Dr.
Possession of Alcohol by a Minor: A UT student was observed attempting to conceal a 16-oz Vitamin Water bottle that contained an amber colored liquid. The liquid had a strong alcoholic odor when the bottle was opened. The officer learned the student was under the legal age of 21 and was issued a court appearance citation for Possession of Alcohol by a Minor and ejected from the stadium. Occurred on: 9-08-12, at 6:10 PM.

JESTER WEST DORMITORY, 201 East 21st Street
Possession of Marijuana: UT Police Officers responded to a 4th floor dormitory room on a reported odor of burning marijuana. The officers knocked on the door. One of the residence answered the door and then shut it. The officers heard the student exclaim, “the cops are here and I don’t know what to do.” After several minutes, the student realized the cops were not leaving and opened the door and allowed the police inside the room. Once inside, the officers detected a stronger odor of burned marijuana and observed 4 students in the room. During the investigation, the officers noted the student’s eyes were red and bloodshot. One student claimed ownership to a plastic baggie containing marijuana. The student was issued a court appearance citation for Possession of Marijuana. Occurred on: 9-09-12, at 8:31 PM.

NORTH END ZONE, 405 East 23rd Street
Consumption of Alcohol by a Minor: A UT Police Officer observed a UT student staggering towards the restroom. The officer encountered the same student as he was urinating on the floor and missing the toilet completely. The officer learned the student had been consuming alcohol and was under the legal age of 21. The student was issued a field release citation for Consumption of Alcohol by a Minor and ejected from the stadium. Occurred on: 9-08-12, at 8:15 PM.

BRAZOS PARKING GARAGE, 200 East Martin Luther King Blvd.
Driving While Intoxicated: A UT Police Officer was informed a highly intoxicated female was attempting to drive her vehicle out of the parking garage. The officers located the vehicle and the female driver on the 4th level of the garage. The non-UT driver informed the officers she was intending to drive home from the football game, unless they wanted her to find another way home. The officers detected a strong odor of alcohol on the driver’s breath and noted other signs of intoxication. The officer administered the Standardized Field Sobriety tests. The driver displayed a number of clues that indicated she was intoxicated. The driver was taken into custody for Driving While Intoxicated and transported to Central Booking, her home away from home. Occurred on: 9-01-12, at 11:10 PM.

NORTH END ZONE, 405 East 23rd Street
Assault: A non-UT subject was celebrating Texas making an interception during the game. When he jumped up to celebrate he bumped into an unknown subject sitting in front of him. That subject turned and with a closed fist, struck the victim. The puncher turned and ran from the area. Occurred on: 9-01-12, at 8:16 PM.

2300 BLOCK TRINITY
Driving While Intoxicated: A UT Police Officer observed a Toyota traveling the wrong way on a posted one-way street. During the traffic investigation, the officer asked the driver for his license. The officer was handed a credit card. The officer detected a strong odor of alcohol on the driver’s breath and noted other signs of intoxication. The officer administered the Standardized Field Sobriety tests. The non-UT driver displayed a number of clues that indicated he was intoxicated. The driver was taken into custody for Driving While Intoxicated and transported to Central Booking. Occurred on: 9-01-12, at 12:07 AM.

2100 BLOCK SAN JACINTO BLVD.
Public Intoxication / Consumption of Alcohol by a Minor: UT Police Officers responded to a report of a juvenile passed out on the sidewalk.  Officers arrived and discovered the juvenile was with his parents.  The officers received conflicting stories as to how the juvenile became so intoxicated.  One parent insisted peer pressure had been used while the other parent insisted the juvenile had been with her the entire time.  Austin EMS arrived and transported the juvenile to a local area hospital.  Charges for Public Intoxication  / Consumption of Alcohol by a Minor were filed. In addition to the law enforcement actions taken, CPS was notified.  Occurred on: 9-08-112, at 8:30 PM.

Crime Prevention Tip: Yes there is an exemption to the Texas Alcohol and Beverage Code, that exemption only allows a juvenile to drink as long as that juvenile remains under the control of a parent or guardian. Trouble starts when they are no longer under the control of the parent, or the parent allows drinking to excess.

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