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About the Author
Debbie Deepsheet Takes a Dive, by Mary Margaret Wishey
MISS WISHLEY LIVES IN NICE ‘n Rustic, Connecticut, with a pet ‘coon and her two nuns. She is presently at work on the third volume of the Debbie Deepsheet trilogy, titled Debbie Deepsheet, Astronaut. Miss Wishey hopes that the story of this beautiful young girl—from school to career to courtship to her nationally televised marriage on the surface of the moon—will show that it is possible for today’s youth to escape from existential despair without resorting to drugs or unusual sex practices.
In 1934 Miss Wishey graduated from college where she majored in clarinet and played in the band, although she got to “suit up” only for home games. Author of more than two hundred fifty thousand novels, she does all her work in a small study lined with framed photographs of Joyce, Faulkner, Hemingway, Eliot, Mann, Tolstoy, and Wouk. After completing the Deepsheet trilogy, Miss Wishey will begin work on an attempted suicide.
The History of American Diplomacy, by G. Hasting Fulbinger
MR. FULBINGER, A MEMBER OF the famous Princeton Class of ’22, has spent his life studying the role of the United States in world diplomacy. He has written ten previous books on the subject and has been an advisor on foreign affairs to five presidents. About his private life, Mr. Fulbinger writes: “I was on my Aunt and Uncle’s farm Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. We went fishing and I caught my first fish. I got to ride a horse every morning and every night and feed the horse and give him his water. The horse’s name was Pet. Besides the horse on the farm, cows, and about three baby calves (one of them I called Little Bossy), there were hogs and a baby pig who I called Grubby. Also they had two dogs and ten to fifteen cats.” For many years now, Mr. Fulbinger has been 11.
The Death of the Dopey Dame, by Knute Knock
Knute, a man rugged and two-fisted as the characters he writes about, works in the notions department of Macy’s in Cleveland, Ohio, where he gathers material for his hard-boiled novels by trashing would-be shoplifters. His efforts in this field have earned him Awards of Merit from the Dale Carnegie Schools and the Campfire Girls of America. His last bestseller, The Bilk of the Bulging Blond, in which private dick Terry Dactyl gets in some funny business on a crowded escalator, was termed “the one truly great American novel” by Argentina’s Juan Peron.
Baking Better Brownies, by Ladislaw O. Spitsinsky
Dr. Spitsinsky was awarded the Nobel prizes in both physics and chemistry in 1969, in medicine in 1970, and in peace in 1971. Baking Better Brownies is his first published work.
How to Seduce in the Afternoon, by Wilt Wayland
Mr. Wayland discovered at a very early age that his fear of the dark could not be cured. This affliction proved no handicap during his early years. He was row captain in his seventh grade class and his prune jam won third place in the ’52 Harding County Fair. However, during senior high, when Mr. Wayland became aware of his interest in women, he was forced to face his handicap straight from the shoulder. How he rescued the art of seduction from midnight darkness and brought it into the brilliant sun of the afternoon is the story of this book. When asked today what life is like with his affliction, Mr. Wayland simply smiles through his teeth and answers, “When it’s light, I do all right.”
Mr. Wayland lives with his wife and five children in Omaha, Nebraska, where he is a captain on the police force.
The Power of Profitable Investment, by Hamilton Acumen. Jr.
MR. ACUMEN IS MORE THAN qualified to write one of these “how to” books. He weighed 93/4 pounds at birth and after only two days of life was up 21/8 pounds. Since that time, except for small losses during two years of military service, Mr. Acumen has reported a net gain at the end of every physical year since his conception in 1942. He began with modest holdings in mother’s milk and formula which he has expanded to include every foodstuff known to man. He solves major problems of supply by maintaining a private fleet of grocery carts which he acquired, one by one, by obtaining the written permission of over thirty thousand store managers. Considered one of the new breed at the market, he has pledged to make every particle of his corporate waste biodegradable. Mr. Acumen’s hobbies are slithering and warbling.
A Reductive Calculus for Boolean Algebra, by Remington January, Ph.D.
For 61 of his 86 years, Dr. January was a member of the mathematics faculty of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. He held the coveted Issac Newton Chair in Mathematics for 38 of those years, an all-time record. He is considered the greatest mathematician of his era.
Shortly after completing this manuscript, Dr. January retired from M. I. T. to marry the former Angela May Ribalda, 20, Miss Hot Pants of 1971.
What’s the Difference Between a Creek and a ‘Crick’?, poems by Riki Tiki Tavi (formerly Fred C. Dobbs)
SWAMI TAVI, WHO LEFT THE United States for India several years ago, writes us this about his life at present: “Yesterday a pilgrim came to me and said, ‘Fred, how may I know money?’ I replied, ‘Money is green, my son.’ And he asked further, ‘But, Fred, is not the grass green? Are not the leaves of the tall elm green? And the stalks of flowers, are they not green, too? How may I tell money from these things?’ And I replied, asking the pilgrim, ‘Do you find George Washington in a blade of grass, or Hamilton on the surface of a leaf, or the Seal of the United States on the stem of a flower?’ The pilgrim replied, ‘I do not, Fred.’ And I asked the pilgrim further, ‘And have you found Washington, Hamilton, and the Seal of the United States on money?’ And the pilgrim replied, ‘Yes, Fred, I have found them there.’ And I said to him, ‘By these signs, then, ye shall know money.’ And I instructed him further, saying, ‘Men search for money everywhere and money is everywhere. But the spirit of money is within. Search for it there, remembering that only the rich man, not the poor man, knows the sound of one coin clinking.”