The 1991 Bum Steer Awards

January 1991By Comments

You can relax—1990 is over. But who enjoyed it? Not Clayton Williams. He spent $10 million, most of it out of his own pocket, to roll up a twenty-point lead over Ann Richards in the governor’s race, but he forgot to buy the one thing he needed to assure victory—a muzzle. He vowed to “head and hoof her and drag her through the dirt,” but the only hoof he caught was in his own mouth. For his gaffes—from joking about rape to volunteering that he paid no income taxes in 1986—he earns our Bum Steer of the Year award.

But Claytie had lots of competition. Willie Nelson wound up even deeper in the hole than Claytie; the feds say he owes more than $16 million in back taxes. Southfork Ranch of Dallas fame was so far in the hole that it went into foreclosure. And the Arkansas Razorbacks wanted to crawl into a hole when they lost seven out of eight Southwest Conference football games after deciding to leave the conference for better competition.

Dallas lost a police chief when Mack Vines got indicted. Houston lost a school superintendent when Joan Raymond flunked out. San Antonio lost a chance at the NBA championship when the Spurs couldn’t win in Portland. But we did win a couple of titles. In 1990, Ralph Nader declared us the nation’s worst energy hogs, and the federal government said we were the worst air polluters. The last ranking should change now that Claytie isn’t talking anymore.

WHERE ARE RAPHAEL, LEONARDO, DONATELLO, AND MICHELANGELO WHEN YOU NEED THEM?
Troy Brewer, a deliveryman for Domino’s Pizza in Balch Springs, was robbed of about $50 by two thieves armed with a snapping turtle.

WENDY AND MIKE, FIRST AT THE SCENE
Wendy Sheldon and Mike Reeder, two news anchors at KWTX-TV in Waco who were reported missing, resigned after they were found together in Albuquerque.

OH, I WISH I WAS IN THE LAND OF HOUSTON/OLD TIMES THERE ARE NOW FOR BOOSTIN’
Following complaints that he had a Confederate battle flag on display in his courtroom, state district judge Allen Daggett of Houston replaced it with a “Houston Proud” banner.

GIVE US THIS DAY OUR DAILY PASTRY
A Fort Worth man complained to authorities that when he opened a new box of Pop-Tarts, he discovered a Christian religious pamphlet wedged between the breakfast pastries.

FROM THE ULTIMATE IDIOT
Jerry Hodge, the vice chairman of the Texas Board of Criminal Justice, took two friends on a training exercise in which they tracked prison inmates trying to elude search dogs. Afterward, he gave his friends jackets embroidered with “The Ultimate Hunt.”

IT WAS A MATTER OF PROFESSIONAL COURTESY
Responding to the Dallas Zoo’s request for businesses to adopt an animal through contributions, the Dallas law firm of Bickel and Brewer underwrote the adoption of all the zoo’s snakes.

FIRST HE CONSULTED NANCY REAGAN
Citing stress, Lago Vista alderman Claude Neinast resigned from the city council and explained, “My decision today has been prompted by my horoscope.”

FIRST THEY HAVE TO PROVE THAT THEY ARE ADULTS 
Ten-year-old Natasha Dennis played goalie so well in an eleven-year-old-and-under girls’ soccer league in Lewisville that fathers with daughters on opposing teams demanded that she undress in front of witnesses to prove that she was a girl.

YOU CAN’T KEEP A GOOD MAN DOWN
Two months after dying of a heart attack, Ken Groves of Arlington won the Democratic nomination for Tarrant County judge.

WHAT TOOK THEM SO LONG?
Two and a half hours after Manuel Alvarez of San Antonio recovered his stolen car, thieves stole it from his apartment house parking lot.

AND WE SAY THAT THE SO-CALLED GOVERNOR HAS BEEN GREATLY EXAGGERATED
One day after declaring Galveston Bay a disaster area because of a 700,000-gallon oil spill, Governor Bill Clements returned from a helicopter tour of the scene and said, “The so-called oil spill has been greatly exaggerated.”

HE ASKED FOR A CHANGE OF VENUE TO DUVAL COUNTY
Michael Taylor of Austin was indicted for registering to vote 37 times, using the names of dead people.

TOO BAD. IT WOULD HAVE MADE A GREAT SPEECH
The Austin Chamber of Commerce invited Skirvin Johnson, the business-finance manager for the city’s economic development office, to speak on how to get money from the government. But Johnson failed to show up because he had been arrested on charges of engaging in fraudulent financial transactions with loans to minority businesses.

HE BEAT CURTIS’ FIST TO A PULP WITH HIS FACE
A spectator at the Dallas regional Golden Gloves boxing tournament started a fight with a fellow onlooker without realizing that his adversary was Curtis Cokes, a former world welterweight boxing champion.

THE RUNNER-UP: A GREAT VIEW FROM HER HUSBAND’S OFFICE WINDOW
When USA Today asked the mayors of fourteen cities to pick the top must-see attraction in their city — such as the French Quarter in New Orleans and the Alamo in San Antonio — Dallas mayor Annette Strauss chose J. Pepe’s Mexican Restaurant and Cantina, in which her son-in-law is an investor.

DON’T BLAME THIS ONE ON THE SERPENT
Concerned that visitors would be offended by the nudity of three small figurines in an art exhibit at Dallas City Hall, city officials covered the figurines with tiny handmade fig leaves.

ARE THERE ANY OTHER SPECIFICS THAT YOU CAN’T GIVE US?
Commenting on the Air Force’s decision to relieve Lieutenant General Peter Kempf as the commander of Bergstrom Air Force Base in Austin, spokesman Ron Sconyers said, “I cannot give specifics of the investigation. I can tell you that our definition of misconduct includes inappropriate conduct with members of the opposite sex that includes subordinates.”

DIAL V FOR VANDALISM 
The San Antonio police discovered that members of Damage Inc., a teenage street gang, carried professionally printed business cards.

WASH HIS CAR OUT WITH SOAP
Texas state officials approved an application from Stanley Hooper of Dallas for personalized license plates that read, FKNCNB.

HE WANTED THE ENDORSEMENT OF THE KEATING FIVE
Stanley Edwards Adams of Austin, a former savings and loan executive who has been sued for fraud by federal regulators, filed in the Democratic primary for governor and listed his occupation as “alleged white-collar racketeer.”

IT’S A BIRD. IT’S A PLANE. IT’S . . . BOBBY
Explaining why New York’s bid for the 1992 Democratic convention was better than Houston’s, a consultant to the party’s selection committee said, “Last night at dinner I got to sit next to Christopher Reeve. In Houston they put me next to Bobby Sakowitz.”

ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTES
The Dallas Zoo opened a new “Wilds of Africa” exhibit that featured replicas of elephant dung and ostrich droppings for visitors to touch.

“YOU’LL NEVER MAKE IT STICK, COPPER”
The Dallas police tracked down burglary suspect James Carroll Grisby after sifting through broken glass from a display case and taking a fingerprint from a part of a severed finger found at the scene.

IT’S BEEN TOUGH FOR THEM TOO
Peggy Marie Taylor, imprisoned for setting a fire that killed her husband, two daughters, and a friend, sought an emergency medical reprieve because she has cancer. Turned down by Governor Clements, she said, “It’s been real hard to have a terminal illness and be away from your family.”

SO MUCH TO DO. SO LITTLE TIME
Evangelist Larry Lea of Rockwall led a Halloween Christian crusade in San Francisco to inflict “serious damage on the evil spirits.”

FORT WORTH WASN’T BIG ENOUGH
The R. J. Reynolds Tobacco Company commissioned a marketing plan for its new Dakota cigarettes that targeted women 18 to 24 years old whose activities are “cruising,” “partying,” and “attending hot rod shows” and “tractor pulls” with their boyfriends. The company is testing the new brand in Houston.

LIKE EMBARRASSMENT
McAllen mayor Othal Brand, speaking as a member of the state pesticide regulatory board, opposed a ban on chlordane by arguing, “Sure, it’s going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway.”

WELL, THEN, BOOK HIM FOR FLYING TOO LOW
Dickie Lynn White was arrested for driving his car on a runway at Amarillo International Airport, but he could not be charged with driving while intoxicated because the runway was not a public road.

PLEASE KEEP YOUR SEAT BELTS FASTENED. IT MAY TAKE SOME TIME TO TAXI TO THE GATE
A Continental Express flight took off from Houston bound for the Jackson, Mississippi, international airport but landed at Hawkins Field, a private airfield seven miles away.

A Little Knowledge
Great moments in research.

SECOND ONLY TO FINANCE PROFESSORS
After a study of the economies of 34 countries, UT-Austin finance professor Stephen Magee concluded that lawyers are a threat to gross national products.

JUST SAY NO TO JALAPENOS 
Frank Etscorn, a psycho-pharmacologist at the New Mexico Institute of Mining and Technology in Socorro, announced that his research showed that chili and other spicy foods are chemically addictive.

REAL MEN PREFER AIR CONDITIONING 
The New England Journal of Medicine reported that male fertility declines in hot weather, based on a study of the sperm of men who work outdoors in Texas.

THE OTHER 89.3 PERCENT IS GENERATED BY CATTLEMEN
Responding to charges by environmental groups that cattle contribute to the greenhouse effect by releasing methane gas through flatulence, the National Cattlemen’s Association in Washington commissioned a study by Texas A&M professor Floyd Byers. He found that livestock generate 10.7 percent of the world’s methane.


YOU CAN BEAT THE RAP, BUT YOU CAN’T BEAT THE RIDE
Gary Wayne Etheridge of Freeport hitched a ride in an unmarked car driven by Houston police officer Paul Day, who recognized Etheridge as a murder suspect and drove him to the Brazoria County jail.

AND THIS LITTLE PINKY WENT TO COURT
Violinist Lauren Charbonneau sued the City of Dallas after a door at the Morton H. Meyerson Symphony Center slammed shut and severed the tip of her little finger.

A GOOD EDUCATION IS ALL A MATTER OF PROSPECTIVE
Angelina College in Lufkin notified applicants for admission that the school had run out of catalogs in a letter addressed to “Dear Perspective Student.”

BEFORE, IT WAS ALWAYS SHALLOW AND MUDDY
Appearing on the Fox syndicated TV show A Current Affair, country music journalist Nancy Helen Williams said of her affair with Willie Nelson, “I almost felt like a virgin, because I had never before experienced sex with that depth and clarity.”

IT WAS THE CLOSEST HE CAME TO GETTING OPEN ALL SEASON
Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Kelvin Martin, in Austin for the team’s preseason training camp, was detected speeding on Interstate 35. With the police in pursuit, Martin sped off the freeway and turned sharply into a parking garage, only to discover that it belonged to the Austin Police Department.

ESPECIALLY NOW THAT MARK LUCE IS OUT OF THE RACE 
In making its endorsement in the governor’s race, the Dallas Weekly said, “Vote for Ann Williams. Any other vote would be ludicrous.”

EVERYBODY WANTED TO KISS THE BRIDE
A nuptial announcement in the Bryan-College Station Eagle reported that the wedding music included “Yazu Joy of Mass Desire.”

SHE WAS JUST PLAYING “SERENADE FOR THE FLUTE AND LONG HORN”
The Opera and Performing Arts Society at Texas A&M decided not to use a publicity poster because a flutist depicted in the poster appeared to be making a Hook ’Em Horns sign.

EAT YOUR HEART OUT, CLAYTIE
After winning $10 million in the Publishers Clearing House sweepstakes, Bob Castleberry ran for mayor of Denton—and won.

“ONLY IF YOU GIVE ME MY GUNS BACK”
Houston convenience-store clerk Wazir Jiwi, confronted by a robber holding two pistols, offered to buy the guns for $100. After the robber agreed to the exchange, Jiwi turned one of the guns on the robber and demanded his money back.

IT WASN’T EVEN HAPPY HOUR
A truck loaded with beer crashed into a guardrail on a Houston freeway interchange, causing more than 10,000 cans of Busch Light to spill into the waiting arms of residents of the Kelly Vintage housing project.

HOLD THE PICKLES AND THE ASPHALT
An eighteen-wheeler carrying hamburger meat for McDonald’s was involved in a collision in Forth Worth and spilled fifteen tons of beef onto Interstate 35.

USE SPROUTS INSTEAD OF GIBLETS IN THE GRAVY
The Houston chapter of the Fund for Animals sponsored a Thanksgiving Amnesty campaign urging people to not eat turkeys but to substitute tofu instead.

STRIKE THREE
Explaining why baseball players aren’t overpaid, Texas Rangers outfielder Pete Incaviglia said, “People think we make $3 million and $4 million a year. They don’t realize that most of us only make $500,000.”

IT TAKES ONE AND A HALF TO TANGO
Saying she was tired of the sexual advances of male dancing partners, Eunice Legge of Sansom Park fashioned a legless mannequin from a piece of foam rubber and made him her new partner.

AND HAZARDOUS-DUTY PAY FOR WORKING FOR BOONE
After Mesa Limited Partnership chairman T. Boone Pickens and other top executives moved from Amarillo to Dallas, the four hundred Mesa employees remaining behind were given hardship bonuses for living in Amarillo.

The Big Wheel
Great moments in leadership.

SPEAK SOFTLY AND CARRY A BIG STALK
When California farmers sent ten tons of broccoli to the White House to protest reports that George Bush had banned the vegetable from Air Force One, Bush said, “I’m president of the United States, and I’m not going to eat any more broccoli.”

HOW ARE LINCOLN AND BUSH ALIKE? WELL, FIRST, THEY’RE BOTH REPUBLICANS, AND THEN . . . 
The Bush administration issues a proclamation declaring June 19 (also known as Juneteenth, the day when blacks in Texas celebrate the emancipation of slaves) as Watermelon Feast Day.

NEXT TIME, STAY OFF THE SAUCE
George Bush declined to answer reporters’ questions at a picture-taking ceremony, saying that he was in a “grumpy mood” from eating too much Texas barbecue.

WHEN IN DOUBT, FUMBLE
Asked by a high school student in Knoxville, Tennessee, whether he would look for new ideas from foreign countries that might improve American education, George Bush replied, “Well, I’m going to kick that one right into the end zone of the Secretary of Education.”

AND RIGHT THIS INSTANT TOO
Recalling a tour of the White House that he had given Czech president Vaclav Havel, George Bush said, “And the look on his face, as the man who was in jail and dying, or living—whatever—for freedom, stood out there, hoping against hope for freedom.”


MAYBE SO, BUT HIS SON WAS A DEMOCRAT
Dan Schinzing of Cleburne, a Republican candidate for the Texas Legislature, responded to charges that he had formed a separate party know as Revolution 1991 by saying, “I am a Republican and always have been a Republican. I think God is a Republican.”

UT GIVES BILL THE BIRDS
After five years of trying to chase away a large flock of grackles, UT-Austin officials finally drove the birds off with a four-day assault of loud guns. The grackles then took up residence on the grounds of the Governor’s Mansion.

THERE ARE JUST THREE KINDS OF MEN IN THIS WORLD
Henry and Joanne Dilday of Yantis and their son Jerry and his wife were indicted for aggravated promotion of prostitution after police seized a notebook in which clients were rated as “submissive,” “dominant,” or “cheap.”

NOT THIS 39 YEARS, DEAR, I’VE GOT A HEADACHE
Amanda Nicole McVay became the first baby born in Loving County since 1951.

WE COULD NEVER DO THIS AT DISNEY WORLD
The Corpus Christi Convention and Tourist Bureau distributed this poster in hopes of luring students away from Florida.

THERE CERTAINLY IS A LOT OF KETCHUP IN THE BARBECUE SAUCE TODAY
Viola Douglas of Houston was sentenced to ten months in jail after her fiancé changed the TV channel from the Walt Disney movie she was watching to the Super Bowl and she retaliated by stabbing him in the neck with a barbecue fork.

IT WON’T WORK—TOMORROW THEY CAN GET ONE FOR FREE 
To mark the opening of the new Tarrant County jail in Forth Worth, county judge Roy English proposed holding an overnight jail party where the public could rent cells for $100.

CRIME DOES NOT PAY, BUT ART DOES
The Houston police, called to an apartment to investigate reports of property damage, seized a figure resembling a human mummy and took it to the Harris County morgue, where it was discovered to be a work of art.

JUST WHEN HE WAS ON A HOT STREAK
The Snacks and Tracks gas station and convenience store in Sherman canceled a lucky drawing contest after the same person won first, second, third, and fourth prizes.

A CLEAR CASE OF JURY PAMPERING 
After a Dallas jury decided that the City of Austin should not collect any damages in a $419 million lawsuit against Houston Lighting and Power over the management of the South Texas Nuclear Plant, HL&P invited the jurors and the trial judge to fly to Houston, tour the plant, and stay in the Westin Oaks Hotel in the Galleria at company expense.

HE GOT RATTLED WHEN HE SAW WHAT WAS INSIDE THE TOILET. “KRAIT SCOTT!” HE SCREAMED. “KING’S X.” THE MORE HE LOOKED, THE ADDER HE GOT. THEN HIS MAMBA CAME TO HIS RESCUE. “YOUR OBEDIENT SERPENT IS HERE,” SHE SAID. “FOR GOODNESS SNAKES, DON’T PYTHON IT. DON’T BE A CORAL TO ANIMALS. NO BULL.” SHE WENT TO VIPER TEARS AWAY AND CALLED THE POLICE. “HEY, COPPERHEAD,” SHE SAID. “GET YOUR ASP OVER HERE.” IT WAS A RACER AGAINST TIME. THE COP CAME IN, SHOUTING, “WHOA, BOA!” BUT HE WAS TOO LATE. WHEN YOU GARTER GO, YOU GARTER GO
Chris Atkinson of League City went to his bathroom in the middle of the night and discovered a boa constrictor coiled in his toilet.

IF THOSE DUMB BIRDS GET NEAR THE RING, BLAST ‘EM 
RSE, Inc., a Houston oil company, announced plans to dull an exploratory oil well in a marsh located close to a whooping crane wintering grounds in the Aransas National Wildlife Refuge.

TOPLESS OF THE MORNING TO YOU 
Appearing on a morning public-access television show, Miranda and Nicki, two female dancers who appear at an Austin topless bar, stripped down to a G-string.

ALL THE NEWS THAT’S MISFIT TO PRINT
When former Houston MTA general manager Alan Kiepper was named the president of the New York City Transit Authority, the New York Times described him as “a native New Yorker transplanted to the arid flatlands of Houston.”

REMEMBER, ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT MICHAEL TRACY 
Before an audience of 150 people, including art patrons from Houston and art critics from New York, sculptor Michael Tracy set fire to his work Cruz: La Pasion and floated the burned pyre down the Rio Grande near San Ygnacio to offer a ritual sacrifice to the river.

REMEMBER THE NINETEENTH AMENDMENT!
Praising the acquisition of suffragette Jane Yelvington McCallum’s diaries by the Barker Texas History Center at UT-Austin, Cathy Bonner of the Foundation for Women’s Resources in Austin said, “McCallum is as important to Texas history as Sam Houston.”

THE DEVIL MADE THEM DO IT 
Harris County election officials agreed to renumber voting precinct 666 in Deer Park following complaints that the number symbolizes the Antichrist in the Bible.

Take That
A Bum Steers catalog.

ONE PERFECT ROSE, a new perfume created by Georgette Mosbacher, the chairman and CEO of La Prairie, sold in a limited-edition Boehm porcelain bottle for $1,500 an ounce.

101 USES FOR AN EX-WIFE, with such illustrations as “quicksand explorer,” “piñata,” “fire ant hill plug,” and “speed bump,” published by Keel Publications of Austin for $8.95.

“HUSSEIN IS CRAZY,” sung to the tune of “She Drives Me Crazy” (“Hussein is crazy, ooh, ooh/Worse that the 2 Live Crew, ooh, ooh”), composed by Dallas disc jockey Gary D., available at no charge on cassette from MAGIC 102.9-FM.

THE XTRAOUR CLOCK, which works on 25-hour days by having each minute last only 57.6 seconds, available for $59.95 from Circadian Clock Company, Dallas.

BLOOMERS, a complete line of beauty products ($2.50-$10.00) for girls ages five to twelve (emphasizing “protective ingredients such as Vitamin E that nourish, moisturize, and enhance her tiny features”), offered through retailers by Bloomers of Dallas.

HOUSTON FIRE FIGHTERS CALENDAR, with beefcake shots of topless firemen, offered at Stop N Go stores and several Mexican restaurants for $8, but not sold at Randall’s or Kroger’s supermarkets, which refused to carry them.


Trick or Treaty
Great moments in summitry.

AT LEAST IT’S BETTER THAN “HOUSTON’S COOL” 
Houston’s official slogan for the Economic Summit of Industrialized Nations was “Houston’s Hot.”

AND MOVED TO THE ASTRODOME
When former Houston resident George Bush learned that the organizers of the Economic Summit had planned for three-hour opening ceremonies to be held outdoors in midsummer, he ordered the event to the shortened to twenty minutes.

THE NOUVEAU RICHE, PUSH-IT-TO-THE-LIMIT ATTITUDE HERE IS SO MUCH BETTER 
Comparing Texas’ two leading cities at the Economic Summit in Houston, Vittorio Zucconi of La Repubblica, Italy’s largest newspaper, explained why he found Houston superior: “It has much more class and refinement than Dallas. I’m serious. I hate the nouveau riche, push-it-to-the-limit attitude there.”

IN THE BEGINNING ZERUBBABEL CREATED VEAL OSCAR
When Secretary of State James Baker hosted a dinner party at Tony’s restaurant for foreign dignitaries attending the Economic Summit, a young man wearing blue jeans and a sport shirt penetrated the tight security, entered the private rooms where the party was being held, and handed out a pamphlet called Zerubbabel Rules in God’s Name.


MIGHT WANT TO CHANGE THE NAME OF THE CITY TOO 
The Corpus Christi Independent School District sent all principals a memorandum with recommendations from lawyers concerning Christmas programs: “Their best advice is to keep the music as ‘heathen’ as possible.”

DEAR JUDGE: THERE’S NO SUCH THING. THERE’S NO SUCH THING. THERE’S NO SUCH THING. THERE’S NO SUCH THING. THERE’S NO SUCH THING. THERE’S NO SUCH THING . . . 
After an argument between two attorneys turned into a shoving match, Houston judge Dan Downey ordered Tom Tarpey and George Neely to submit handwritten two-thousand-word essays on legal professionalism.

TRY THE MCSHEPHERD’S PIE AND THE MCMYSTERY MEAT
Holy Cross High School in San Antonio shut down its cafeteria and replaced it with a McDonald’s restaurant.

DON’T THINK OF THEM AS WEEDS, YOUR HONOR. THINK OF THEM AS WILDFLOWERS
Manual Flores, the host of a garden show on WOAI-AM radio in San Antonio, was issued a citation by the Live Oak police for having an unsightly yard.

NEW FROM THE PHONE COMPANY: MALL FORWARDING 
When Susanne Henderson of Waco decided on a whim to pick up a ringing pay phone in a shopping mall, the caller turned out to be her yardman, who had misdialed her home number.

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO DETOUR THROUGH MISSISSIPPI
The Tennessee chapter of the American Civil Liberties Union charged that sheriff’s official in Memphis singled out cars with Texas license plates to search for drugs.

BETTER YET, CREMATE THEM IN THE BONFIRE 
William McKenzie, the chairman of the Texas A&M Board of Regents, proposed that the university establish a one-hundred-acre cemetery for former students, to be known as the Aggie Field of Honor.

FRY HIM
While awaiting a decision on whether he would be retained as Houston Oilers coach, Jerry Glanville said, “It’s sort of like a guy on death row. Does he hope to get another meal, or would he just as soon eat that big burger and go on?”

THEN THEY FILIBUSTERED THE MOTION TO ADJOURN
Unable to agree on what time of day to begin their meetings, the Waco City Council voted on whether to hold a public referendum to decide the issue. The result was a 3-3 tie.

I SWEAR TO SELL THE TRUTH, THE WHOLE TRUTH, AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH 
To prove that his campaign commercials were true, Republican state Senate candidate Bill Meier of Hurst held a press conference while hooked up to a lie detector.

IT GOES GREAT WITH TACOS AL PRISON 
After paying a Juárez cabdriver $50 for marijuana, two El Paso men discovered that they have received only tumbleweed and oregano. When they reported theft to the Mexican police, they were put under arrest.

PROMISES, PROMISES 
Houston businessman Don Holcombe wrote a ballad for George and Barbara Bush and went to the White House to give a private performance of the song, entitled “Read My Lips …I Love You.”

SOME PEOPLE WILL DO ANYTHING TO GET A PICTURE OF THE FAMILY  
Joyce Copeland of Lancaster collided with a Dallas Police Department squad car driven by Senior Corporal Joe Copeland, her son.

AVAILABLE IN SHADES OF PURPLE HAZE, MIDNIGHT BLUE, AND BLACKOUT 
The Dallas police reported that a woman robbed a man of his car, jewelry, and cash after meeting him at a club, accompanying him to a motel, and kissing him with a knockout drug applied to her lips.

MAKE IT A MILLION, AND YOU’VE GOT A DEAL  
In an effort to attract more convention business, the Amarillo Chamber of Commerce offered to donate $1,000 to conventions in Amarillo that have an event canceled because of bad winter weather.

WHEN THIS POLITICIAN SAYS THAT THE TIME HAS COME FOR ACTION, WATCH OUT
The El Paso police confiscated a desk clock in the office of city councilman Jay J. Armes because it was designed to look like a homemade bomb.

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