The Awards

January 1997By Comments

He Lost a Stroke Too
Scott Browning of Houston was awarded $16,500 in damages from the Men’s Club in Houston after an exotic dancer who was assigned to be his “designated caddy” and cart driver during a golf tournament at the club became inebriated during the event and overturned the cart into a drainage canal, causing his Achilles tendon to rupture.

Junkie Over Chunky
When researchers at St. Edward’s University in Austin tested male reaction to personal ads placed by females by making up two ads—one for a woman who said she was a drug addict, the other for a woman who described herself as fifty pounds overweight—79 percent of the men who responded replied to the addict.

He’s Trying So Hard To Cut Back
A convenience store customer in South Padre Island was arrested after he opened a pack of cigarettes, removed one, tore off the filter, and walked out with the remaining piece.

It Happens
Electrical contractor Harry Glass of Pasadena won first place in a Worst Workday contest with the story of how he was giving a safety talk to employees on the need to wear hard hats at all times when he was hit on his hatless head by bird droppings.

Tofu. It’s What’s for Dinner
News reports revealed that Texas Department of Agriculture assistant commissioner Diane Smith, who was in charge of marketing and promoting Texas beef, was a vegetarian.

The Truck Was Coming Down the Rhode. The Weather Was Fowl, and There Was No Chanticleer. The Driver Was a Brooder Who Kept His Capon as He Munched on a Hamburg And Listened to a Sumatra Tape. Suddenly He Saw a White Plymouth Campine Out in the Passing Lane. Was It Andalusian? He Blew the Leghorn, Turned The Styrian Wheel, But Couldn’t Pullet Off. The Truck Went Into a Faverolle. The Ending of Our Story May Be a Little Cornish: When the Cops Came to Chick It Out, They Rounded Up the Usual Sussex. (This Story Will Get Your Goat Too. No Kidding.)
A Pilgrim’s Pride truck overturned on Interstate 30 near downtown Dallas, killing about four thousand chickens, one day after a truckload of goats overturned on the same stretch of highway.

A Man’s Home Is His Palette
After his Abilene neighbors successfully protested his plan to convert his home into an interior decorating business, Jody Morales repainted the house in fluorescent colors of yellow, green, purple, and pink.

Wrong! It’s Not in the Desert
Hardee’s Food Systems apologized to the city of Mesquite and donated $2,500 to a local charity after city officials protested a national ad campaign touting Hardee’s mesquite-flavored bacon cheeseburger. The television commercial portrayed Mesquite, a suburb of Dallas, as a sleepy hayseed desert town with ostrich farms and billboards of two-headed steers.

Don’t Tell Hardee’s
A livestock truck overturned on a U.S. 80 interchange ramp in Mesquite, unleashing more than one hundred head of cattle that ran through the streets of the city for hours before they could be rounded up.

The South Is Risen
Cornerstone Church in San Antonio was forced to change the name of its “slave sale” fund-raiser, in which high school students were to be auctioned off to church members to perform chores, after black leaders protested the Reverend John Hagee’s announcement of the event in the church newsletter—including a mention that slavery would be “returning” to America.

She Started From Scratch
Lauretta Adams of Dallas has let her fingernails grow out for 23 years until they have become 10 to 29 inches long.

Comeback of the Year, Part I
Jose Estrada of Houston left home in his pickup and drove to the neighborhood jogging trail. While he was running, another jogger suffered a heart attack on the trail. Paramedics called to the scene could find no identification, but the victim was clutching a set of car keys. A deputy constable tested them in vehicles parked nearby and discovered that they fit Estrada’s pickup.

Here’s the Advice: Do as We Say, Not as We Do. Now Let’s Party
Texas lottery officials threw a two-day party at Houston’s Ritz-Carlton Hotel for people who had won at least $1 million and their guests, with attractions that included theater or hockey tickets, a trip to a ranch with Longhorn cattle, and an evening of dining and dancing, along with seminars on financial advice.

Fur! Bidden!
Animal rights activist Kelly Nichols was arrested after she interrupted a Neiman Marcus charity fashion show in Dallas by shoving a piecrust filled with non-dairy whipped cream into the face of designer Oscar de la Renta while shouting “Fur! Shame!”

A Voice Said, “Serve Cabrito and It Will Come”
Capitalizing on rumors that the legendary chupacabra, or goat sucker—a four-foot high, red-eyed winged demon with fangs—had been sighted along the Rio Grande, the people of Zapata decided to hold the First Worldwide Chupacabras Festival.

Comeback of the Year, Part II
The deputy checked the pickup’s license number and found that it was registered to Estrada. He went to the Estrada home and told Jose’s wife, Herlinda, that her husband had had a heart attack. When she arrived at the hospital, a doctor told her that her husband had just died. In shock, she viewed the body, which was still covered with tape and medical tubes, and identified it as her husband.

It’s the Station Formerly Known As Smart
Radio station KTFM in San Antonio was fined $7,500 by the Federal Communications Commission for violating the rule against airing indecent material before 10 p.m. when it played “Erotic City” by the singer formerly known as Prince.

Everyone Will Be Asking for a Cuddly Squashed Armadillo
Miles O’Neal of Austin, an Internet consultant who operates a Web site called Roadkills-R-Us, was threatened with litigation by Toys ‘R’ Us if he did not change the name of his homepage. The company wrote O’Neal, “People might easily believe that we were in some way sponsoring this entity, and this could adversely affect our long-standing customer good will.”

Comeback of the Year, Part III
The family began notifying friends and relatives of Jose’s death. Meanwhile, Jose finished his run, went to the grocery store, and returned home to an empty house. The phone rang. He answered it. His wife’s boss said, “Joe! You’re not dead. Don’t tell me it was Herlinda who had a heart attack and died.”

“Haven’t I Seen You Somewhere Before?”
A witness scheduled to testify in a Brownsville capital murder case was beaten up after bailiffs at the Cameron County jail mistakenly placed him in a holding cell where one of the inmates was Jesus Ledesma Aguilar, the accused murderer against whom the witness was supposed to testify.

It Used to Be Very Popular in Dallas
The operators of Fort Worth’s Ultimate Paintball game parlor, where players shoot each other with dye-filled pellets from plastic rifles, bowed to parental protest and canceled a game known to players as “Kill the President,” in which competitors were assigned to teams of “assas-sins” and “Secret Service” agents, with one player designated the presidential target.

Comeback of the Year, The Conclusion
Jose raced to the nearest hospital, saw his wife’s van in the parking lot, and went in. He asked where his wife was and was told to join the rest of the grieving family. At the same moment, he and his wife realized that the other one wasn’t dead.

Hi There. Enter at Your Own Risk. You Are Hereby on Notice That the Carpet May Slip, That Obstructions—Including But Not Limited to a Coffee Table—May Impede Your Progress Across the Floor, That Closed Curtains May Reduce the Visibility, That I Do Not Vouch for The Safety of Light Switches and Other Electrical Outlets and Appliances, That the Quality of the Drinking Water Is the Responsibility Of the City and Not of the Owner, That the Presence Of Ashtrays Does Not Mean That the Owner Encourages Smoking or Implies That Cigarettes Are Healthy, and That This List of Potential Sources Of Injury in No Way Warrants That the House Is Otherwise Safe or Free Of Dangerous Conditions. And Caveat the Dog
Attorney Juan Guerra of Raymondville, representing Alex Anzaldua, filed suit against Dennis Hickey for $25,000 because his client, while visiting in Hickey’s home one afternoon, walked into the kitchen and tripped over a dog. Guerra’s petition contended that Hickey should have warned Anzaldua that he was “walking on the floor at his own risk” and that Hickey failed to give a warning of “the dog’s propensity of lying in certain areas.”

Here Comes Peter Cottontail / Parachute on and Ready to Bail
A small plane that hit a power line near Ovilla in Ellis County and crash-landed safely was carrying a costumed Easter Bunny who had been tossing candy to children on the ground.

I’m Dreaming of a White Recess
Chandler Elementary School in Kilgore requested some snow from Buffalo, New York, and received a ton.

Some Are More Like Texaco
The Independent Petroleum Association of America purchased $100,000 worth of TV time during the two-hour reunion movie Dallas: J.R. Returns to air a commercial designed to show viewers that real-life oil producers are not like J. R. Ewing.

We Know What You’re Stuffed With
Self magazine, in a short piece called “The Skinny on … Popcorn,” said, “Texas Junior Leaguers stuff their turkeys with kernels and bake it until the bird ‘blows its ass off.’”

Now Try the Other One
After receiving a heart transplant, retired neurosurgeon Roy Selby of Texarkana kept his old heart, took it to an anatomy and physiology class at Texarkana College, and dissected it.

On This Date in 1996, The Texas Historical Commission Went Bonkers
The Texas Historical Commission asked the state attorney general’s office to prevent two entrepreneurs from marketing humorous plaques parodying the state’s historical markers, such as one that read “On March 2, 1836, Texas declared her independence from Mexico, wild Comanches roamed the plains, Rangers protected frontier settlements, and this building was not here yet.”

The Rent in Port Arthur Got Too High
Plumber Jarrell Rowell was doing repair work on leaky pipes in a Lubbock duplex when he found an alligator living underneath the floor.

No Big Deal. They Just Fell Asleep
Tarrant County jail officials documented 35 cases of inmates who suffered injuries after crashing to the floor from top bunks.

Not to Mention “Fun”
Just before his retirement from Congress, Charles Wilson of Lufkin thanked his constituents for continuing to support him despite a flamboyant career filled with romantic escapades and brushes with the law that earned him the nickname Good-Time Charlie. Speaking at an Angelina County Chamber of Commerce luncheon, Wilson confessed that his conduct had been “erratic,” “unconventional,” “reckless,” and “rowdy.”

Repeat After Me: ¿Donde Está el Shiv?
In hopes of reducing recidivism, the Texas Department of Criminal Justice developed a counseling and training program to teach “culturally specific programming” to inmates so that prisoners of different races will become more tolerant of each other and be better able to communicate.

Sorry. Make That a Big Hypocrite
Houston city councilman Joe Roach, who is a dwarf, complained that city controller Lloyd Kelley made a slur about his size when he called him a “little hypocrite.”

And What Was Snow White Doing Living With Seven Men?
Laura McLary and Tracy Spikes filed suit in Lufkin against the Walt Disney Company, accusing Disney of including subliminal sexual messages in The Little Mermaid (“a minister, performing a marriage ceremony, is shown as having an erection”), Aladdin (a voice that whispers “take off your clothes”), and The Lion King (a cloud of dust, grass, and flower petals forms the word “sex”).

He Had a Change of Heart
In a lawsuit by Cinemark USA against the City of Dallas, a Cinemark official testified in a deposition that then-mayor Steve Bartlett had explained why he had stopped supporting Cinemark’s zoning permit for a controversial theater complex near Bartlett’s home: “If he supported the project, his wife would not give him any nooky.”

First You Put an Arch Over The Tower of the Americas, Then Widen the Riverwalk
After the San Antonio Conservation Society, the sponsors of the celebration A Night in Old San Antonio, decidedfor the first time in the fifty-year history of the event not to serve locally brewed beer and opted for Budweiser and other Anheuser-Busch beers instead, a disappointed Lutz Issleib, the president of Pearl Brewing Company in San Antonio, said that the name of the event should be changed to A Night in Old Saint Louis.

No Runs, No Hits, One Error, One Man Way Off Base
Future Hall of Fame pitcher Nolan Ryan, now the pitching coach for the Texas Christian University baseball team, was ejected from a game between TCU and Rice by umpire Tim Henderson after he protested a called strike against a TCU batter. “I think that the umpires decided to single me out … ” Ryan said afterward. “They overreact to me more than other coaches.”

They Were Just Trying to Add a Little Joy to Life
The Tarrant County jail served a cake that made inmates sick because it was contaminated with a lemon-scented detergent.

Make That the Big 24
Baylor president Robert Sloan threatened to take disciplinary action, including possible expulsion, against any student who participated in the October Playboy magazine feature “Girls of the Big 12.”

These Cases Could Give a Whole New Meaning to “Community Service”
Fort Worth officials acknowledged that the city was owed more than $3 million in uncollected fines resulting from a backlog of 64,000 unprocessed citations for prostitution.

God Bless You for Defending Our Way of Life
When General Norman Schwarz-kopf was the honored guest and speaker at the 1996 Living Legends Luncheon in Dallas, the tables were draped with camouflage cloth and decorated with flowers in mess kits and helmets. The underwriting categories included the Stealth Bomber, the Tomahawk Missile, the Scud Buster, and the Wild Weasel, and the dessert was a chocolate tank filled with Butterfinger mousse.

Lee Godfrey Could Have Done the Job in 48 Hours
After intense public ridicule, the Austin City Council rescinded its decision to create a $45,000-a-year position for a Pedestrian Coordinator.

Catch as Catch Can’t
Houston Astros catcher Jerry Goff tied a major league record by allowing six passed balls in one game.

What’s Baseless About It?
Rating Texas as the most annoying state in the country, New York–based SPY magazine wrote, “Texas may not be the worst place in the country (that title belongs to the District of Columbia . . . ), but like the vulgar, free-wheeling yahoos that reside there, the former Lone Star Republic is bigger, louder, and full of more baseless braggadocio than any other state.”

Just Hide It in Cocaine and You’ll Have No Trouble Getting It Through
Rita Orozco of Newport, Delaware, was arrested along with three accomplices in Laredo and charged with offering U.S. Customs inspectors a bribe to let them bring unauthenticated mole sauce into the United States.

The Kidneys Due Process It
In a lawsuit brought by former Dallas Cowboy Clayton Holmes against the National Football League, contending that the NFL’s drug-testing policy violated his constitutional rights, Florida attorney Grady Irvin was sanctioned by U.S. district judge Sidney A. Fitz-water for the frivolous argument that the “urine of everyone is constitutionally protected.”

There Goes the Neighborhood
WMF Investments and William M. Friedrichs, who had announced plans to operate an all-nude restaurant in Webster, sued the city for harming their property values by issuing a building permit on nearby land for a private Christian school.

Starck Raving Mad
After Dennis Rodman and the other new owners of the Starck MCMXCVI nightclub in Dallas were enjoined by the previous owner to prevent them from using the Starck name, the owners changed the name, pending a resolution of the case, to “The Club Formerly Known As.”

When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough Get Terminix
The La Villa High School Cardinals lost their football game at Benavides, 16–0, after falling behind 9–0 on the first two plays of the game and then having their bench area invaded by tarantulas.

In the Name of the Father, The Son, and the Holy Cow
The Dayton Ministerial Alliance gave the Henley unit at the Dayton state jail a stock tank to use as a baptistery.

Gefilte Fish Might Have Swung the Election
Congressman Steve Stockman of Friendswood criticized Bill Clinton for offering U.S. aid to Israel in hopes of building support for the election of Shimon Peres as prime minister in a statement that read in part, “The Israeli electorate rejected President Clinton and the pork he offered Israeli voters … ”

Just Another Arkansan Busted for Tampering With Government Documents
University of Arkansas English professor Dwain Edgar Manske was apprehended near Presidio and charged with felony theft for stealing a rare copy of an 1869 indictment accusing gunslinger John Wesley Hardin of attempted murder.

Give Us This Day Our Daily Biscuits
The Olsen Park Baptist Church of Amarillo founded the Country Church, with casual dress and a Western atmosphere, in the rear dining room of the Big Texan Steak Ranch restaurant.

Just a Little Over Three Years to Go
After almost four years as president of Criswell College seminary in Dallas, Richard Melick, Jr., resigned following a theological dispute with W. A. Criswell, the namesake and chancellor of the college. Both parties believe that before the Second Coming of Christ, there will be seven years of great tribulation, and the church will be transported to heaven by a method called rapture. Criswell believes that the seven years of tribulation will follow the rapture; Melick believes that the seven-year tribulation will precede the rapture.

The Netscape Cakes Are Better Anyway
Miss King’s Kitchens of Sherman, the maker of YA-HOO! cakes, sued Yahoo!, Inc., of Sunnyvale, California, a search service for the World Wide Web. The bakery claimed that the similarities in the companies’ names and logos could confuse consumers into believing that Miss King’s products are really the products of the software company.

AlphaSweet Was Too Obvious
Leonard Pike, the director of the Vegetable Improvement Center at Texas A&M, and a panel of thirteen people met to choose the winner of a contest to name the maroon carrot that Pike has developed. After rejecting such suggestions as Twelfth Man Carrot, Gig ’Em Carrot, Bunny’s Best, and High Noon Maroon, the panel selected BetaSweet.

Great Taste. More Filling
In an attempt to steal beer from a closed convenience store, Felix Rivera of San Antonio crawled through a rooftop air vent, in which he became stuck.

They Only Kill Their Peer Reviewers
Researchers at the University of Texas Health Science Center in Houston determined that the breeds of dogs most likely to bite humans are chow chows, German shepherds, rottweilers, Labrador retrievers, and pit bull terriers.

Well, Will You Accept Federal Express?
Citing state law that requires mail-in ballots to be received through the U.S. mail, Texas Secretary of State Tony Garza refused to allow orbiting astronaut John Blaha to send his absentee ballot by e-mail.

Newspapers Burn Better
The University of Houston student newspaper, The Daily Cougar, ran a political cartoon showing two members of the College Republicans standing in front of a swastika, one of them displaying a sign that read “Burn the Homeless.”

A Few More Bumps on the Head and He’ll Be Ready To Run for President
The first driver to crash a NASCAR-Winston Cup racecar at the still-unfinished Texas International Raceway near Fort Worth, who was uninjured despite hitting the wall during a practice run at 150 miles per hour, was Ross Perot, Jr.

While You’re at It, Plug His Oil Wells
When a fourteen-year-old Muslim student at Bedford Junior High ignored the instructions of shop instructor and tennis coach Joel Graves to stop throwing trash on the cafeteria floor, Graves told the student, “I’ll burn your tent and kill your camel.”

The Night of the Ax
A quarrel in east Travis County resulted in minor injuries when a man stabbed his brother-in-law, whose iguana had bitten him on the nose, and then was hit with an ax.

They Got the Feathered-Friends-Fly-Free Rate
The Rogers Wildlife Rehabilitation Center in Mesquite rescued ten cattle egrets from their drought-afflicted summer rookery near Balch Springs, but when workers at the center attempted to return the birds to the wild, they found that the rest of the egrets had flown south for the winter. The egrets then had to be flown to Corpus Christi on Southwest Airlines.

The Real Site Is Odessa
Midland city officials told the Midland Reporter-Telegram that persistent rumors of a large land purchase outside the city by Walt Disney Company for a desert theme park were untrue.

That’s Short for Gullible
Construction worker Gary Brooks of Uvalde dropped out of the race for Congress from the 9th Congressional District in southeast Texas, which was represented from 1953 to 1995 by Jack Brooks of Beaumont, after he was sued for wrongfully listing his name on the ballot as “G. Jack Brooks.”

Forget the Alamo. Remember the Kremlin
Ninety-three-year-old U.S. senator Strom Thurmond, campaigning for reelection in his hometown of Edgefield, South Carolina, reminded an audience of the famous Americans who came from Edgefield County, among them, Alamo defender William Barret Travis. Thurmond’s accolade for Travis began: “He’s the guy, that with three thousand Russians threatening to attack … ”

Just Say Stupid
Officials at Riverwood Middle School in Humble suspended thirteen-year-old honor student Brooke Olson after drug-sniffing police dogs found a bottle of Advil that she had inadvertently left in her backpack.

He Loved the Embalmy Climate
After Victor Ajax Browning of Wimberley died at age 83, he was dressed in jogging clothes and a red corduroy cap, put in the back seat of his 1990 Cadillac, and granted his wish to be driven by his son and grandson to California for cremation.

Strom Thinks He Took It Off a Dead Russian
The San Antonio Planet Hollywood restaurant, part of a chain known for displaying movie memorabilia, displayed a uniform worn briefly by Laurence Harvey, who played William Barret Travis in the 1960 film The Alamo, but returned it to Los Angeles for verification after customers insisted it was bogus.

Please Don’t Let Oliver Stone Find Out About This
For $25 Paul Crute of Dallas offered tourists the opportunity to ride in an open-top limousine through Dealey Plaza, retracing the route taken by President John F. Kennedy on November 22, 1963. The taped sounds of a cheering crowd resound in the car, interrupted by the sounds of shots as the limousine passes the former Texas School Book Depository. A radio announcer says, “It appears as though something has happened in the motorcade route,” and then the limo gathers speed for the drive to Parkland hospital. The tour ends at the Parkland emergency entrance, where the radio announcer relates that Kennedy has received last rites.

It’s Coming Through Now … One Went to Market. One Stayed Home. One Had Roast Beef. One Had None … and the Rest Ran Into the Big Bad Wolf
After ten pigs disappeared from the Special Pals animal shelter in western Harris County, shelter director Salise Shuttlesworth agreed to let a woman who claimed to have psychic powers see if she could learn anything from two pigs that had been left behind.

If Lindale Can Do It, Why Can’t Arafat and Netanyahu?
Following shouting confrontations and violent collisions between elderly ballroom and line dancers over disputed dance floor space at Corpus Christi dance halls, the Lindale Senior Citizens Center used yellow tape to divide the dance floor between the two kinds of dancers.

QED
After the Randall County Historical Commission protested a plan to demolish the 1909 county courthouse in Canyon, the county government’s legal adviser said that the county shouldn’t allow volunteers from the historical commission to lead tours of the courthouse “unless the county is wanting to take the responsibility every time one of those dingdongs gets hurt”—whereupon Brian Barrett, the chairman of the historical commission, held a news conference to protest being called a dingdong.

Gimme an Arch Deluxe and Two Beethoven Sonatas
To drive away loiterers and street toughs, a McDonald’s restaurant in downtown Dallas began playing classical music inside and outside the restaurant.

Hey Kid. Wanna Go Read the Bible?
University Park police were summoned to a grocery store after a ten-year-old boy was approached by an elderly stranger. When the police arrived, they found that the boy had failed to recognize his Sunday School teacher.

That’s No Tower. That’s J.R.’s Drilling Rig
Romanian millionaire Alexandru Ilie developed a ranch resort near Slobozia patterned after Southfork Ranch in the Dallas TV series where visitors can tour the ranch, ride horses, stay in Texas-style ranch houses, and enjoy a 132-foot-tall replica of the Eiffel Tower.

He Had Another Booking
Dallas Cowboys hater Sam Young received nationwide publicity when he was fired from a Minyard grocery store in Dallas for refusing to take off a Green Bay Packers jersey while at work on the day before the Cowboys played the Packers in the National Football Conference championship game. Young was scheduled to appear on the Late Show With David Letterman, but the show canceled his appearance after Young was arrested on charges of possessing marijuana.

Mr. Hawkins Could Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Be Reached for Comment
According to a report in the Abilene Reporter-News, 89 adults who were members of the House of Yahweh, an Abilene-based religious sect, filed petitions in Taylor and Callahan counties to have their last names changed to Hawkins.

How About “Shyster Advocacy Walk for EMS?”
The Beta Alpha Rho pre-law fraternity at the University of Texas decided to change the name of its fundraising campaign to benefit emergency medical services—a walk through Austin behind two EMS ambulances—from the First Annual Ambulance Chase to the Legal Advocacy Walk for EMS after plaintiff’s lawyers objected to the original name.

Ready … Aim … Fired
After a rancher in Bee County complained that hunters were illegally shooting deer at night from a public road through his property, state game wardens set up a stuffed deer as a decoy. The hunter who was arrested after he shot at the decoy was the ranch foreman.

Same Difference
The U.S. Food and Drug Administration determined that a four-inch-long fleshy object that was found in a bottle of prune juice at the Denton State School for the mentally retarded was not, as first suspected, a human penis but a fast-growing mass of bacteria.

She Would Have Called the Bad Guy a High-Taxing, Free-Spending, Promise-Breaking, Social Security– Taxing, Health Care–Socializing, Drug-Coddling, Power-Grabbing, Business-Busting, Lawsuit-Loving, U.N.- Following, FBI-Abusing, IRS-Increasing, Two-Hundred- Dollar-Hair-Cutting, Gas-Taxing, Over-Regulating, Bureaucracy-Trusting, Class-Baiting, Privacy-Violating, Values-Crushing, Truth-Dodging, Medicare-Forsaking, Property Rights–Taking, Job-Destroying Ornery Polecat
Senate business caused Kay Bailey Hutchison to miss the filming of an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger in which she was to play herself.

The Eclipse Has Begun
Former president George Bush traveled to Buenos Aires, Argen-tina, to be the main speaker at a formal dinner honoring the start-up of Tiempos del Mundo, a newspaper to be published by the Reverend Sun Myung Moon’s Unification Church.

Oh, So You Know Him Too
In a lawsuit brought by Houston-based Coastal Corporation against the Houston Chronicle, Coastal, which is chaired by Oscar Wyatt, contended that an article in the newspaper falsely suggested that company officials had deliberately set a fire to destroy sensitive documents. Lawyers for the Chronicle filed a pretrial response contesting Coastal’s interpretation in a section headed “What the Article Really Says, to a Reasonable Reader, Not to Oscar the Grouch.”

The Marigolds Are on Lane Twelve
Lucretia Sisk of Austin outlined her garden with 116 used bowling balls.

How Do They Stand on The Rockford Files?
The TCU Student House of Representatives passed a resolution commending the Nashville Network for bringing reruns of The Dukes of Hazzard back to television.

Led By the Six Valedictorians
Trustees of the Highland Park school district adopted a new mathematical formula for class ranking that will allow more than the top ten percent of high school students to graduate in the top ten percent of their class.

Looks Guilty
Cedar Street bar in Dallas ran advertisements touting its Dealey Plaza Martini: “Looks Innocent, but It’ll Hit You Like a Shot From the Grassy Knoll.”

Plus $9.3 Million in Penalties and Interest
In a lawsuit brought by Houston-based Coa Johnny Ray Brewster of Dallas won $12.8 million in the Texas lottery, to be paid in twenty annual installments of $463,320 after income tax was withheld. But when Brewster died ten months later, the Internal Revenue Service demanded that the full inheritance tax on his winnings, $3.5 million, be paid by the end of the year.

To Make Matters Worse, He Was Cooking With White Oak
In a lawsuit brought by Houston-based Coa Fine Host Corporation, the concessions manager for the City of Austin, canceled the contract of John Goode to provide barbecue at city-owned facilities because Goode, who is black, refused to apply for disadvantaged minority status and wanted to be judged solely on the quality of his barbecue.

Batterers Not Included
In a lawsuit brought by Houston-based Coa The 116-year-old Collin County jail, a state historic landmark, was sold at auction to Paul Porras of Dallas for $92,500.

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