AIN’T NO PARTY LIKE A CONSERVATIVE TEA PARTY BECAUSE A CONSERVATIVE TEA PARTY DON’T STOP!

Seriously. You might have thought that the tea partiers had packed up their homemade often misspelled signs and their bejeweled flag t-shirts so they could get back home to their miserable lives but think again. They’re like a band of traveling gypsies who dress poorly and keep showing up uninvited. On Thursday thousands of activists who aren’t really sure what they’re protesting camped out at the Capitol for what was referred to as the “Super Bowl of Freedom,” sponsored by Republican members of Congress.

Per WashPost:

Many of the demonstrators chanted “Weasel Queen,” their pet name for the speaker of the House. Others wore masks of Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid; they were covered in fake blood and carrying dolls representing aborted fetuses, as the Grim Reaper led them in chains to hell.

In the front of the protest, a sign showed President Obama in white coat, his face painted to look like the Joker. The sign, visible to the lawmakers as they looked into the cameras, carried a plea to “Stop Obamunism.” A few steps farther was the guy holding a sign announcing “Obama takes his orders from the Rothchilds” [sic], accusing Obama of being part of a Jewish plot to introduce the Antichrist.

But the best of [Michelle] Bachmann’s recruits were a few rows into the crowd, holding aloft a pair of 5-by-8-foot banners proclaiming “National Socialist Healthcare, Dachau, Germany, 1945.” Both banners showed close-up photographs of Holocaust victims, many of them children.

Could there be any more mixed messages? There are like eight different protests going on here. When in doubt, throw in the Holocaust, the Grim Reaper and a couple of fetuses. For good measure.

Naturally our own Rep. Jeb Hensarling was out there rallying the troops and, according to WP, standing in front of the tastefully done Dachau banner. Rep. John Carter pointed to the House office buildings and, apparently forgetting for a minute that he’s a House member, encouraged the protesters, “Go get ‘em!” No. Really. I have no idea why Texas gets a bad name.

The ubiquitous Jon Voight brought the D-list star power to the event, standing with the lawmakers and saying of Obama, “Could it be he has had 20 years of subconscious programming by Reverend Wright to damn America?” I’m pretty sure the only people who’ve been programmed are the feeble-minded and easily brainwashed protesters. Go get ‘em.

Tagged: jeb hensarling, john carter, tea party.

So everyone’s afraid that their kids will get the swine flu or that one of the kids in preschool will get the swine flu and and spread it to all the other kids and those parents will be shunned by their former friends and colleagues. Not that your kid should be in preschool anyway. What, being a stay-home mommy isn’t enough for you? You need to keep that dead-end job? Must be nice not to mind that a total stranger is raising your child for you.

You’ve probably been wondering where that H1N1 vaccine is. I’ll tell you where it is. It’s in NEW YORK CITY, where it’s being distributed to Wall Street firms like Goldman Sachs. No longer content with just our tax dollars, now they want our livelihood. State health departments are in charge of distributing the doses and clearly New York thinks that the rich and beautiful should be saved first. Damn, man. I’ll be lucky if I get the vaccine in five years.

Health department officials are claiming that at-risk employees at the big firms will receive the vaccines first. Right. Because I’m SO SURE that a majority of Citigroup employees are 85-year-old pregnant women with tuberculosis. Speaking of who’s considered “high priority,” have you noticed where unmarried women rank? Like, below dead people. If you’re not a child, or pregnant, or a doctor, or old as shit, apparently you’re just not that valuable to society. But you already knew that.

Tagged: H1N1, swine flu, wall street.

Oh that’s right, baby. If you’re a moderate Republican, it is so on. Meaning your own party is going to hunt you down and kill you and then eat you. RNC Chairman Michael Steele told ABC that they will “come after” moderates who dare to support any of Obama’s economic or health care policies. Because they are ruining the party with their rational thinking, careful assessments, and centrist viewpoints.

“Candidates who live in moderate to slightly liberal districts have got to walk a little bit carefully here, because you do not want to put yourself in a position where you’re crossing that line on conservative principles, fiscal principles, because we’ll come after you,” Steele said. Now is that any way to treat your fellow party members? You don’t see Democrats getting rid of people who don’t toe the party line. OK, so they pushed out Joe Lieberman but that doesn’t really count because Joe was always kind of a dick.

“You’re gonna find yourself in a very tough hole if you’re arguing for the president’s stimulus plan or Nancy Pelosi’s health plan. There’s no justification for growing the size of government the way this administration and this Congress wants to do it,” Steele added. I don’t get it. Are they TRYING to get people to leave the party? Are they using some sort of crazy reverse psychology? I’m going to give Steele the benefit of the doubt and say he’s been brainwashed. Next time he’s on TV, check to see if he’s using his left hand. Dead giveaway.

[via Ben Smith]

Tagged: michael steele, moderate republicans.

I thought I felt the political landscape around me shifting, the ground beneath my feet moving as in an earthquake, forcing me to barricade myself in our windowless bathroom and locking my co-workers outside because I have minor claustrophobia, and if someone has to go down, it should be them. I’m too young. Turns out it wasn’t a natural disaster at all. It’s a man-made disaster. Dick is coming to Texas.

The Hutchison folks have proudly announced that Dick Cheney will be in Texas to campaign for Kay and appear at a fundraiser in Houston later this month. According to spokeswoman Jennifer Baker, “People who worked with the senator on conservative issues over the years know she will be a great leader for Texas.” If I were Kay, I’d leave the conservative ass-kissing to Perry and start wooing independents. (I’d also change my hairstyle.) As we saw on Tuesday, they’re leaning Republican in state elections. Not that she’ll do this, given that whoever’s running her joke of a campaign (Karl Rove? Seriously?) is giving her bad advice. Probably a mole from the Perry camp.

Perry spokesman Mark Miner dismissed the Cheney Effect, saying, “The Washington establishment usually sticks together.” Just so no one forgets that NO ONE HATES WASHINGTON MORE THAN RICK PERRY. Now, if you watched yesterday’s video, you’ll notice that I compared Cheney to Colonel Klink. I have since decided that this is not fair. To Klink. OMG! LOL! Someone make me a Hogan’s Hero!

Tagged: dick cheney, kay bailey hutchison, rick perry.

I know what you’re thinking. Does Eileen have any other job responsibilities outside of blogging? Well yes. Yes I do. Here’s one of them. Enjoy.

Tagged: dick cheney, kay bailey hutchison, rick perry, sarah palin, tom delay.

Gov. Tim Pawlenty is holding a fundraiser tonight in Minneapolis to kick off his new leadership PAC, called Freedom First, where he will tout his poor man’s celebrity endorsements by Jon Voight and Kelsey Grammer. Voight is the father of Lara Croft who last appeared as a psycho in 24. Grammer used to be Frasier but now he’s just another down-and-going sitcom star waiting to get the axe. These aren’t exactly the stars I’d want for my photo-ops. Hey look! It’s Jon Voight! The guy who abandoned his family and has no relationship with his daughter! And isn’t that Kelsey Grammer? The former cokehead? Awesome.

Apparently only Voight will be at the event in person. Grammer will be there on “speaker phone.” So everyone’s supposed to gather around someone’s BlackBerry to hear what Grammer has to say? They couldn’t get any other famous Republican to show up? Whenever I think of a Republican celebrity, I think of the tear-duct-challenged Janine Turner and the scary plastic Bo Derek who’s dating Aidan from Sex and the City. Oh, and then you can always throw in that black sheep Baldwin brother. But after that I’m at a loss. So I googled it. Here are my Top 10 star recommendations for T-Paw going forward:

Bruce Boxleitner
Dean Cain
Jeff Foxworthy
Sarah Michelle Gellar
Shirley Jones
Chaka Khan
John Malcovich
Meat Loaf
Rick Schroder
Andrew Lloyd Webber

(I’m contesting Adam Sandler, Vince Vaughan, and Destiny’s Child. They can have Jon Secada.)

Anyway, why is it that so many celebrities are liberals? And why do I have to be such a starf*cker?

[via Ben Smith]

Tagged: jon voight, kelsey grammer, tim pawlenty.

I wasn’t paying much attention to the national election results rolling in last night because I was watching “V” (oh like you weren’t). If you missed it, here’s a short synopsis: Scott Wolf plays a journalist whose parents died in a car crash, leaving him to raise his brothers and sisters. Juliet from Lost plays an FBI agent who just got off an island that travels through time. We already know the aliens are lizards, and many of them have lived among us undetected for some time now. In other words, you can’t be too sure about the people around you. Especially the ones who are bothered by bright light and tend to snack on mice.

As you already know, the voters of New Jersey and Virginia elected Republican governors. In Virginia, Bob McDonnell crushed Creigh Deeds, 59% to 41%, and in New Jersey, Jon Corzine lost to Chris Christie, 49% to 44%. Well, Jon Corzine was about as popular in Jersey as pumping your own gas so that’s not a huge surprise. As for Creigh Deeds, he was just a sucky candidate. And by “sucky,” I mean “There will never be another Mark Warner.”

Meanwhile, the Republicans are celebrating their victories while completely disregarding the ass-spanking they got in NY-23, a right-leaning district where Democrat Bill Owens narrowly beat The Anointed Doug Hoffman, by about three points. Hoffman was the guy endorsed by Sarah Palin, Fred Thompson, and Rush Limbaugh because no one liked the moderate Republican candidate. People were framing this as the internal battle for the Republican party—conservatives versus moderates. Reptiles versus the Resistance. Dogs and cats, living together.

One of the bigger lessons of the night was that independents, the voters who were so instrumental to Obama’s victory, ended up throwing their support to Republicans. Take a look at these exit polls. In Virginia, McDonnell won independents by 33 points, 66 to 33 percent. In New Jersey, 60 percent of independents went with Christie.

Obviously the message here is that independents have no idea what they want. And it’s up to us to tell them.

Tagged: bill owens, bob mcdonnell, chris christie, creigh deeds, doug hoffman, jon corzine.

According to the NY Post, Bill Clinton and George W. Bush will face off on stage in a political debate at Radio City Music Hall in February. The big event is being billed as “The Hottest Ticket in Political History,” and is a part of MSG Entertainment’s “Minds That Move The World” speakers series. Now this is just cruel. How could you possibly put Bush up against Clinton? It’s not right. Bush’s brain is going to burst into flames on national television. IS THAT WHAT PASSES FOR ENTERTAINMENT THESE DAYS? (Don’t answer that. I’ve already got my TiVo set up to record “V.”)

“Featuring two of the most distinguished political figures of our time, we hope that the speaker series will not only provide guests with an informative and empowering experience that will help them make educated political decisions, but also encourage people to engage in continued dialogue surrounding the most significant current events of our day,” said Melissa Miller Ormond, COO of MSG Entertainment.

Isn’t Bush the guy who said something about needing some wood during his debate with Al Gore? Well, he’s going to need extra wood for this round. Bill Clinton is arguably the most skilled debater of all time. And there’s no time for Bush to train! The man could play Sudoku every night and pop ginkgo biloba with every meal and it still wouldn’t make a difference. This is worse than when Alex had to prep Mallory for that high school quiz show. However, that episode is the only reason why, to this day, I know what SCUBA stands for.

[via Political Wire]

Tagged: bill clinton, george w. bush, msg entertainment.

So much happened yesterday in and around the field of health care that I’m not exactly sure where to begin, except to say that I can’t believe there’s still no cure for the common cold. I mean, really? You can give men 18-hour erections and cure their urinary incontinence so as not to screw up their golf games but you can’t unclog my sinuses? And you call yourself doctors.

Speaking of doctors, Rick Perry picked up a sweet endorsement Monday from the Texas Medical Association, which represents doctors afraid of frivolous lawsuits that would never actually happen but gives them cover to bitch about lawyers instead of helping the sick. Apparently the folks at TMA hated Perry for vetoing a bill years ago concerning medical reimbursement—and were pissed enough to endorse Democrat Tony Sanchez. Luckily time heals all wounds. (Bad medical pun fully intended.)

Following TMA’s announcement, the Hutchison campaign unveiled its “Physicians for Kay” coalition, made up of doctors who skipped one too many TMA meetings. Come on. This is like if I was running for governor and Perry got the TMA endorsement and I went on a speaking tour with my dad, a retired radiologist, just to show that someone in the medical community likes me. Even then, I’m not sure that I’d have his vote.

Emboldened by his backing from the medical community, Perry went on to tell reporters how much the Democrats’ health care reform bill sucks while simultaneously not ruling out taking some federal incentives. Referring to the “opt out” proposal, which would allow states to decide whether or not to join the government health insurance plan, Perry called it a “classic Washington bait and switch” but added that it’s too early to tell if Texas would take advantage of any of the programs. So he’s not for it but he’s not not for it. Ah, double negatives. It’s like when couples say they’re “not trying” to get pregnant but they’re “not not trying.” Doesn’t that mean you’re trying? Why must people confuse me?

Before Perry even considers taking anything from the feds, he should heed the words of Republican Congresswoman Virginia Foxx, who said on the House floor yesterday that she believes Americans have more to fear from the health care bill “than we do from any terrorist right now in any country.” Foxx is from North Carolina, which clearly has decided to throw its hat in the ring to compete for Who’s the Craziest Carolina?

“I believe the greatest fear that we all should have to our freedom comes from this room—this very room—and what may happen later this week in terms of a tax increase bill masquerading as a health care bill,” Foxx said. “I believe we have more to fear from the potential of that bill passing than we do from any terrorist right now in any country.”

Yes. Be afraid. This bill is set to detonate itself at any moment. WHY DO YOU THINK IT LOOKS SO BULKY? SHE’S GOING TO BLOW!

Tagged: kay bailey hutchison, physicians for kay, rick perry, texas medical association.

Tomorrow’s Election Day and I couldn’t be less excited about voting on a bunch of state amendments. I was thinking of skipping it completely but then I thought, No. Democracy rests in my hands. So I will join millions of Americans tomorrow to cast ill-informed votes just to get the sticker. Of course, it’s not so boring in other states, like New Jersey and Virginia (and upstate New York, which is deciding the Fate of the World).

Voters in those select states are being inundated with last minute robocalls, which are recorded messages urging you to vote for a party’s candidate. I hardly take calls from family and friends let alone robots. Is there a “Do Not Call” list for these? Or a “Bother Me One More Time During Dancing With the Stars and I Will Break Your Face” list? Like getting a call from a recording of a politician is going to get me to vote their way. Except when I got that call from Bill during the primaries and I was like, BILL! BILL, CAN YOU HEAR ME? I THINK WE HAVE A BAD CONNECTION. HOW’S HILLARY?? IS SHE OKAY??

In the New Jersey governor’s race, Democrats are running robocalls targeting Republicans urging them to vote against Republican Chris Christie: “Remember Chris Daggett’s words: ‘It’s never wrong to vote for the right person.’” (Daggett is the independent.) The D’s are hoping this will help John Corzine. Well, those inspiring words would certainly get me to drop my evening wine and run to my polling station.

And in Virginia’s gubernatorial election, the Republicans are pulling out The Diva. In a robocall organized by the Faith and Freedom Coalition, Sarah Palin says, “Virginia! Hello, this is Sarah Palin, calling to urge you to go to the polls Tuesday and vote to share our principles. The eyes of America will be on Virginia, and make no mistake about it, every vote counts. So don’t take anything for granted. Vote your values on Tuesday, and urge your friends and family to vote too. Thank you.”

Wow! Republican candidate Bob McDonnell must be so totally psyched to have Palin on board! Well, not really. According to ABC News, both McDonnell and NJ’s Christie are keeping their distance from Her Royal Rogueness. Not like McDonnell has much to worry about. His Democratic opponent, Creigh Deeds, is losing by about 11 points. But it wasn’t the robocalls. It was the McDognell pomeranian doggie sweaters. Burned again by the pomeranians!

Tagged: faith and freedom coalition, sarah palin.

So how did you spend your extra hour yesterday? I spent it watching “V: The Original” on the Sci-Fi channel. My GOD, there were so many things I missed when I was 12! Like the fact that there was this whole Nazi comparison thing going on, with brainwashing and the resistance and torture. Before you accuse me of being a loser, I know you know who Donovan is. The new “V” starring that guy from Party of Five premieres tomorrow night. (By the way, the aliens are really lizards and they DO NOT come in peace. Spoiler.)

During the commercials, after looking up all the actors and actresses on Wikipedia to see what happened to them after they fell off the face of the earth, I read about that congressional race in upstate New York and how Republican candidate Dede Scozzafava dropped out because she wasn’t Republican enough. Apparently all these conservative Republican luminaries (Sarah Palin, Tim Pawlenty, Dick Armey) threw their support to some guy named Douglas Hoffman who’s running on the “Conservative Party” ticket. What? Hasn’t that position already been filled? By the “Republican Party”? OMG!

Former presidential candidate and Law & Order district attorney Fred Thompson also backed Hoffman saying, “America is in trouble… When your grandchildren ask you why you didn’t do something, be able to tell them you voted for Doug Hoffman.” Wow. I’m sure your grandkids will be impressed. Hey, Pop-Pop! Tell us again about that time you voted!

After being wooed by the White House, Scozzafava ended up endorsing Democratic candidate Bill Owens. Now people are calling this race a “battleground” over the Republican party’s future. Haven’t the conservatives already won? I mean, what moderate Republicans are left? Olympia Snowe? Scozzafava was definitely a moderate—she supports gay rights and abortion rights—but does that make her too liberal to be a Republican? Tell me Michael Steele’s urban-suburban hip-hop off-the-hook drop-it-low what-up big tent campaign wasn’t all for naught.

This is a Republican-leaning district and the race is too close to call. The question is if the voters of Oswego, Ogdensburg, Plattsburgh, and Watertown—the voters who will decide the fate of Republicans everywhere—want an archconservative or a Democrat. It’ll be interesting to see how it turns out. But nowhere near as interesting as “V: The Final Battle.” Someone make me a half-lizard baby sandwich!

Tagged: bill owens, Dede Scozzafava, doug hoffman.

Last year I crashed a children’s Halloween party dressed as “Drunk Hillary,” still reeling from the after effects of a very rough primary. The year before that I stayed in so I could hand out candy to ungrateful and, frankly, unattractive children begging at my door. This year I can’t decide what to do. I have no costume but the thought of staying home and consuming enough Reese’s peanut butter cups for a 300-pound man just seems like a bad idea. I’ll probably be like all those other lame people who show up to Halloween parties with no costume. Kind of like what the cool kids (the ones who “drank” and “smoked” and “got naked”) did in high school because I guess there’s nothing cool about a 15-year-old dressed up like a giant hershey kiss. If I had only known then what I know now.

If you’re planning on celebrating All Hallows Eve tomorrow night, you should be thankful. Some people are terrified of Halloween. It’s an actual phobia called samhainophobia. It’s defined as an “irrational fear” but tell that to the sufferers hiding in their homes breathing into a paper bag and screaming at the sight of snack size candy bars. Now samhainophobiacs have another reason to worry. A bunch of new members of the NRA Wine Club, mostly from this blog, wandering around the streets. Guns don’t kill people. Winos holding guns kill people.

Henry Louis Gates and Sergeant James Crowley were caught sharing a beer at a pub in Cambridge called River Gods on Wednesday night. Oh, nice. Real nice. I suppose neither of you thought of inviting Obama, the man who brought you together? The man who ORGANIZED AN ENTIRE SUMMIT, just for you? I mean, I can understand excluding Joe Biden and his pussy non-alcoholic beer drinking but Obama?

How can we be sure that it was really Gates and Crowley anyway? The tipsters could’ve been a couple of girls from Medford who had taken the ‘T’ over to Cambridge looking for Hah-vid guys and seen a black man and a white man enjoying a pitcher together. OH MY GAWD MOLLY! LOOK! OVER THEY-UH! I think that’s the angry profess-uh and that hot cop guy! Wicked awesome! (Yes, that’s how everyone there speaks. It’s not a stereotype.)

Tagged: Henry Louis Gates, sergeant james crowley.

Finally the NRA has come up with a way to get liberal commies on their side. Cheap wine. DAMN IT. That’s like our kryptonite! Apparently there’s an exclusive NRA Wine Club for gun-totin’ pinot lovers like yourself, and they’re offering a special deal to new customers: six wines for $6.99 a bottle and free shipping and a free welcome gift! Your very own semi-automatic! Granted, you can get $7 wine now. I’m sure your friends appreciate that Yellow Tail ass-shiraz you keep bringing over.

Some of the fine wines offered by the NRA Club include a Napa Valley Cabernet Sauvignon, a Chalk Hill Chardonnay, an Italian Pinot Grigio, and a Russian River Valley Pinot Noir. Hurt me. But wait! There’s more! Showing that he’s not all armed and dangerous, a kinder, gentler Wayne LaPierre will personally throw in a deluxe wood custom NRA-engraved Wine Box so you can show your dinner guests how classy you are.

And, while you’re enrolling in the Wine Club, take a look around at all the special gifts the NRA has to offer, like these precious NRA bibs. Nothing says adorable like baby-killer-in-training.

Tagged: nra, wine club.

Did anyone catch the “Early Show” yesterday on CBS? Obviously the “Early Show” is too “Early” for the likes of me (I’ve been known to throw my alarm clock across the room until it breaks into a million little pieces when I can’t find the snooze button) but I did see a clip last night. It was an exclusive interview with Levi Johnston. Really, how hard is it to get an “exclusive interview” with a guy that does pistachio commercials? Well, apparently Levi’s publicist thought it was a good idea for the aspiring male model (seriously?) and actor (what?) to threaten his former almost-mother-in-law Sarah Palin on live television.

“There are some things that I have that are huge. And I haven’t said them because I’m not gonna hurt her that way.”

There are some things that I have that are huge. That’s. what. she. said.

“I have things that can, you know—that would get her in trouble, and could hurt her. Will hurt her. But I’m not gonna go that far. You know, I mean, if I really wanted to hurt her, I could, very easily. But there’s—I’m not gonna do it. I’m not going that far.” But just so you know, he knows things. Big things. Huge. Tundra-shattering.

Didn’t he already say everything in his bogus Vanity Fair article? The guy’s a tool. One of his claims, which he repeated Wednesday, is that Palin jokingly referred to her baby as “retarded.” I just have a hard time believing that. What I don’t have a hard time believing is that he would say anything to get attention and, of course, get nekkid in Playgirl. Full-frontal. Gross.

Johnston also told the CBS co-anchor, who was at this point foaming at the mouth, “Those are just little things I put in Vanity Fair. You know, all the big things I got, I’m keeping, you know, I’m keeping them in, and, you know, it’s just something that probably will never come out.” ALL HAIL THE KEEPER OF THE SECRETS.

I’ve got an idea for Levi. Go back to Wasilla, grow out your mullet, get your GED, and take your redneck accent with you. Oh, and you might want to look in on that baby every once in a while.

[Disclaimer: This is not a post defending Sarah Palin. It's a full-frontal attack on Johnston.]

Tagged: early show, levi johnston, sarah palin.