So yesterday I had to buy a new hair dryer because my old one, which I think I’ve had for 15 years, finally gave out but not before emitting toxic fumes and nearly burning down my bathroom. As I perused the professional salon dryers, I came upon one called the Farouk CHI, which was like $250. Two hundred dollars? I would rather go to work every morning looking like a drowned rat than spend $200 on a hair dryer. I looked at the box again and thought, wait a minute. I’ve heard that name before. Then I realized that I was holding in my hand a product developed by Democratic candidate for governor Farouk Shami. I immediately placed it back on the shelf, looking around to check if anyone had seen me. If I had purchased that dryer, it could have been viewed as a campaign contribution and then I’d get fired for compromising my journalistic objectivity.

This is all to remind you that the Democratic primary debate is on tonight at 7PM on your local PBS station and, unless Debra Medina shows up with her pet gun, it could be the most boring hour of television since my mother-in-law made me watch Undercover Boss last night after the Super Bowl. (Look! The CEO is doing grunt work! He’s just like us! Except he gets paid millions of dollars!) Little known fact—there are actually seven Democratic candidates. The other five just aren’t as qualified as Farouk. Wow. That said, I’ll probably at least have it on in the background while I try out my new CHI flat iron with a picture of Jennifer Aniston taped onto my mirror.

Tagged: bill white, debate, farouk shami.

It may surprise some of you but I did in fact watch the Super Bowl last night and I did in fact root for the Saints because who doesn’t love an underdog? However after watching the Doritos commercials I will never eat those delicious artificially flavored nacho chips of my youth again. Worst commercials of the night. Back to Cheetos. If you were too busy getting your Bowl on, you no doubt missed yesterday’s main event: The Palin-Perry rally in some place called Cypress allegedly outside of Houston.

In a much-anticipated coin toss, Perry spoke first to the crowd of 6,000 that was all there to hear… Sarah Palin. When it was Palin’s turn, she told the crowd that “we just want a small and smarter government that’ll kind of get out of our way. And no one understands that better than Rick Perry.” Her appearance came one day after the Tea Party national convention in Nashville where she mocked Democrats saying, “How’s that hopey changey stuff working out for ya?” Apparently the attendees were so dumb that she had to talk in baby talky to them.

Perry couldn’t have sounded any more Lady GaGa over the former vice presidential candidate. “I doubt there is another public figure in our country who gives liberals a bigger case of the hives than our special guest today,” he said. “At the very mention of her name, the liberals, the progressives, the media elites, they literally foam at the mouth.” So that’s what those unsightly welts are all over my body! I was beginning to think my leprosy had come back! As for the mouth foaming, well, that’s always been a problem of mine.

According to the Chron, Palin had praised Perry in a recent letter to the Texas Federation of Republican Women. “He walks the walk of a true conservative,” she wrote. “And he sticks by his guns ­— and you know how I feel about guns.” OMG! Honey, if you were truly pro-gun, you’d be backing Debra Medina. You’re just sniffing around for someone to share the 2012 ticket and a homelier version of yourself is not your first choice.

“So on March 2 you have a clear choice,” Palin told the crowd. “I want to hear Texas, what’s it gonna be: The way they operate in D.C. or the way Y’ALL get things done in Texas?” Did she just say y’all? I’ve lived here for 10 years and I don’t even say y’all. Poseur. But they do make one good looking family.

Photo rickperry.org

[Chron]

Tagged: cypress, rick perry, sarah palin, super bowl sunday.

When a colleague excitedly asked me after this morning’s editorial meeting if I’d blogged about Carly Fiorina’s demon sheep ad yet, I nodded and said, Yeah, I was just thinking of writing something. And she said, Crazy, isn’t it? And I replied, laughing, Craziest damn thing I’ve ever seen!! Then I went into my office and googled it because while everyone else was talking about Fiorina’s crazy campaign ad this week, I was busy writing about the condition of Rielle Hunter’s vagina. DAMN IT.

Fiorina, the former head of HP and one-time McCain adviser, is running for the US Senate in California. Her first campaign ad features, naturally, satanic sheep and her Republican primary opponent Rep. Tom Campbell as a demonic red-eyed wolf in sheep’s clothing who, like most wolves, is not a true fiscal conservative. This just may be the most awesome ad I’ve ever seen. I think it should run in the Super Bowl. So much more entertaining than that pro-life one.

The ad shows a picturesque landscape with sheep peacefully grazing and flashes words like “piety,” “purity,” “wholesome,” and “dinner,” but quickly gives way to one sheep rising up into the sky on a pedestal and you just KNOW something bad’s going to happen and, sure enough, a storm comes, knocking the sheep off the pedestal. Next up is footage of Tom Campbell, interspersed with sheep and pigs and random people not smiling. Probably because they’re in this commercial.

At one point it’s like this: Campbell. Sheep chewing really fast. Campbell. Sheep chewing really fast. I thought they were about to morph into some type of super-engineered Republican sheep/pig hybrid Manchurian candidate. (Oh, they’re coming. Just you wait.) Nothing, however, could prepare me for what happens next. A “sheep” with crazy red eyes wearing a Vanilla Sky-type mask peers out from behind a tree. But wait! That’s no sheep! It’s a person dressed in a sheep outfit! A pitiful excuse for a sheep outfit! The acronym FCINO is displayed on the screen and for anyone who doesn’t know what FCINO is, they spell it out. LMBAO!

And, may I just say, bravo to the Fiorina campaign for this masterpiece. You can’t get much more clever than making a completely nonsensical 3-minute spot starring farm animals and an oversized sheep impersonator and NOT ONCE showing your candidate or mentioning her name. Brilliant.

Tagged: carlY fiorina, demon sheep, tom campbell.

First of all, when did Joy Behar get her own show? How did I miss this? How could she leave the View gals like that? WHERE’S MY SHOW? WHY AM I YELLING? Well, apparently she does have her own show and last night her guest was none other than former John Edwards aide Andrew Young, who is whoring himself out more than an amateur videographer on the campaign trail.

During the interview about his new book, Behar asks Young about Rielle Hunter’s vagina. Wait. What?

“Her relationship with you was kind of weird, I think. I mean, I was reading, she confided in you about so many details…even about the condition of her vagina. I mean, that is so strange, what was up with that? And what is the condition of her vagina?”

Leave it to Joy to find the vagina chapter. An embarrassed Young responded, laughing, that he would always say, TMI! TMI! Too much information! (Yes, he felt the need to spell out that acronym for us.)

Joy: “What would provoke that? Why wouldn’t she tell Sherri, your wife?”
Young: “She’s from a different… she’s one of these new age spiritual—she’s very open… she’s open about sexuality, she’s open about the whole life experience.”

I’ll say.

From now on I’m totally going to open my conversations with the conditions of people’s genitals. It’s so much more interesting than “How’s work?” or “How are the kids?” or “Do you not see my empty glass?” You just can’t beat, “You’re looking good, but how’s that vagina of yours doing?”

[via Political Wire]

Tagged: andrew young, joy behar, rielle hunter.

And I'm supposed to tell these guys apart how?

The composite above is from Politico’s story today on the newly-elected Republican winners and how the GOP establishment, not the tea party or Glenn Beck, still rules. It could just as easily be an ad for the Hair Club for Men. Or a centerfold spread in MORE magazine. Or the long-awaited remake of Three Men and a Baby.

I, for one, think this news is fantastic. I love establishment and status quo. It makes me feel safe in an uncertain world. That’s what I enjoy most about being a moderate Democrat (YES! MODERATE! WHO TOLD YOU OTHERWISE?). The über-liberals frighten me. They want to rock the party boat with their “new ideas” and “fresh agendas” and I’m all, like my life isn’t wobbly enough, crazies! I fear change, which is why I’ve had this blog for five years. I don’t know what would happen if I stopped doing it. I might have to actually do something different and meaningful, essentially becoming unrecognizable to myself.

So now the GOP has the dashing (not to mention pro-choice) new senator from Massachusetts Scott Brown who calls himself a “Scott Brown” Republican instead of, you know, some other guy’s name Republican. There’s Mark Kirk of Illinois, who easily won the Republican Senate primary against a much more conservative opponent. Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell won by a landslide and went on to deliver the State of the Union, marking the first time someone other than the president has done so.

Just goes to show that the majority of Americans are somewhere in the middle and we’re not all that different at the end of the day. Right? Right?

Tagged: bob mcdonnell, mark kirk, scott brown.

No one should enter the covenant of marriage lightly. You are pledging your troth, for God’s sake. So if your soon-to-be husband insists on taking the fidelity clause out of the traditional marriage vows, YOU MIGHT WANT TO RETHINK THAT. As much as you may want to feel sorry for Jenny Stanford, estranged wife of Mark Sanford, you should know that that’s just what her husband did. Isn’t there anything else they could have taken out? Like that whole “I thee wed” bullshit? I mean, what was their wedding song? O.P.P.?

In an interview with Barbara Walters to air Friday—just in time for her tell-all book!—Jenny says that Mark forced her to remove the fidelity clause from their vows. “It bothered me to some extent, but we were very young, we were in love,” she said. “I questioned it, but I got past it … along with other doubts that I had.” She called the marriage a “leap of faith.” I’LL say.

It gets worse. According to Jenny, he was cheap and gave her sucky gifts, like the time he drew her a picture of a half a bike, and then the following year she got a picture of the other half a bike, and then got the $25 used bike. I am so going to start doing this. Another time he gave her a diamond necklace but then took it back. I bet I know who’s wearing it right now.

[ABC]

Tagged: jenny sanford, staying true.

Today we have yet another example of how real life is simply a cruel extension of the high school caste system. The Statesman is running a profile on Bill White, the ill-fated Democratic gubernatorial candidate in a Republican year, entitled “White comes by his geek credentials honestly.” (A related story is called “Far from slick, White sticks to getting things done.”)

A few excerpts:

In high school, White became a champion debater, winning the national American Legion Oratorical Contest. Socially, White was “a little geeky” but didn’t “have any problem getting along with people,” said family friend John Bell. White’s debate partner Scott Bage remembers White’s “great sense of humor” and many evenings at the White home spent playing pingpong.

Oh, sure. They ALWAYS have a great sense of humor. Now are we going to talk about how he saved up all this money mowing lawns and blew it on a girl who spilled wine on her mother’s white suede outfit and paid her to go out with him? Awesome.

There is not an ounce of movie star in Bill White, not in the name or in his stage presence. He is a wonkish guy with big ears and baggy clothes who looks subdued even when he’s in enthusiastic mode… His speech includes words that seem to get stuck in his mouth, and he sometimes pauses for an awkward amount of time when asked questions in public.

I mean, could this guy sound like any more of a loser? Of course, it’s not just the Statesman. Texas Monthly is just as much to blame in our December story about him. (Not that I had any input. Whenever I ask if I can help edit, they look at me with a sneer and say, Oh, go run back to your Web site, Web editor.) Here’s TM:

Democrats haven’t won a statewide race since 1994, so why does this middle-aged guy with a bald head and big ears think he’s the fresh face of the party?

Again with the ears! This guy can’t catch a break.

White has distinctive looks that were once thought a political liability: a bald pate with a fringe of reddish hair and features—notably his ears—that are perhaps a size too large for the superstructure.

OK. Really? How bad could his ears be?

Chron: All ears on the 2010 governor’s race: White’s interview also touched on Houston’s growth, Hurricane Katrina evacuees and even the size of the mayor’s ears. They’re “big,” he offered.

HE DOES NOT HAVE “BIG” EARS. HE IS “LOBE-CHALLENGED.” What, so Perry, Kay, and Medina are all so good-looking that there’s nothing in their appearance to poke fun at? To add insult to injury, a new Rasmussen poll shows that any of the Republican candidates would beat White in the general election. Well you know what they say. Ear today, gone tomorrow. OMG!

Tagged: bill white, debra medina, ears, kay bailey hutchison, rasmussen poll, rick perry.

Now that I’m at the end of my cold (yes, you do too care you just haven’t been asking), my incessant nose-blowing has given way to that irritating little clearing of the throat that some people do right before they have something very important to announce. Or they think they have something very important to announce but it’s really of no consequence and they’re just wasting everyone’s time. Hold on while I clear my throat.

While sucking on conversation hearts because I hate throat lozenges and checking my Twitter feed, I ran across the new Rasmussen poll that shows Perry leading Hutchison 44% to 29%, with Medina at 16%. Holy Mahoney! Is it too early to call this one? Medina has gained ground at the expense of Hutchison, who has lost four points since the last poll. Is there a way for Kay to come back? Do you believe in miracles? Neither do I. I stopped believing in miracles last year, when I realized that I was never going to reach 5′6″, despite two decades of wishing. So if I suddenly grow a couple inches, I’ll put my money on Kay.

Perry leads Hutchison by 18 points among conservative primary voters and Hutchison leads by 11 among moderate voters. In order for Kay to win the primary, she would need more than half of the primary voters to be moderate. OH MY GOD GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.

2/2/10
4:39PM
I’m calling it for Perry.

Perry: 42
Hutchison: 30
Medina: 17

Tagged: debra medina, kay bailey hutchison, rasmussen, rick perry.

Today our nation’s top two defense officials—Robert Gates and Mike Mullen—expressed strong support for Obama’s plan to finally end the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy, which has thus far protected our men and women in the military from thinking that they were serving alongside gay people. The Pentagon will also conduct a yearlong study into allowing gays to serve in the military openly. I can’t wait to see what they find out!!

Gates is directing the Defense Department to quickly review current “don’t ask, don’t tell” regulations and recommend changes within 45 days. Forty-five days? How hard could this be? Doesn’t it just mean that gays in the military no longer have to keep their sexuality a secret or risk being booted out? It’s not like the Pentagon needs time to organize some kind of gay pride platoon march. Of course, not everyone is happy with the decision to reverse the policy, including John McCain, who says he’s “deeply disappointed” and “not entirely sure that Gates and Mullen aren’t gay.”

However, defense officials said it could take years to fully integrate gay men and lesbians into the military. Like, whether straight personnel should have to share quarters with gays. Let’s not go crazy. Next we’ll be saying that whites have to room with blacks.

[WashPost]

Tagged: don’t ask don’t tell, john mccain, robert gates.

The question: Are most Republicans paranoid nutbags or just some of them? The answer: A Daily Kos poll commissioned by Markos Moulitsas Zúniga, author of the upcoming book American Taliban which “catalogues the ways in which modern-day conservatives share the same agenda as radical Jihadists in the Islamic world.” Blink. While I do think most tea party patriots should be placed under an involuntary psychiatric hold (oh, it’s not so bad), I have a difficult time believing that modern-day conservatives have a lot in common with Jihadists. I’d say they’re more like Orcs.

In the poll, 2,000 self-identified Republican voters—meaning independent tea partiers were not included—were asked if they thought President Obama is racist, socialist, or a non-US citizen. Apparently a good portion of them do.

–39 percent believe Obama should be impeached, 29 percent are not sure, 32 percent said he should not be voted out of office.
–36 percent believe Obama was not born in the United States, 22 percent are not sure, 42 percent think he is a natural citizen.
–31 percent believe Obama is a “Racist who hates White people,” 33 percent were not sure, and 36 percent said he was not a racist.
–63 percent of Republicans think Obama is a socialist, 16 percent are not sure, 21 percent say he is not.
–24 percent of Republicans believe Obama wants “the terrorists to win,” 33 percent aren’t sure, 43 percent said he did not want the terrorists to win.
–21 percent of Republicans believe ACORN stole the 2008 election, 55 percent are not sure, 24 percent said the community organizing group did not steal the election.
–23 percent of Republicans believe that their state should secede from the United States, 19 percent aren’t sure, 58 percent said no.
–53 percent of Republicans said they believe Sarah Palin is more qualified to be president than Obama.

My favorite part of these polls is the “not sure” group. I mean, who are these people? Are they comatose? Do they just sit in their homes all day staring vacantly at the wall? Fifty-five percent of them weren’t even sure if the election had been stolen. The not sures need to go.

Thinking that Republicans and Democrats can’t be all that different, I decided to answer this poll myself. Almost 40 percent of Republicans think Obama should be impeached, which I thought could only happen to presidents who engaged in Oval Office-llatio. Until there is proof of sexual indiscretions with an intern, I think he should remain in office. Unless, of course, this country finally wakes up and realizes Hawaii’s not a real state, meaning he’s not a US citizen. Unlike the 30 percent of Republicans who think Obama is a racist who hates white people, I believe that Obama is an ageist who hates old people. As for whether he’s a socialist, I think the Republicans are going easy on him. That guy’s a communist if I’ve ever seen one (which I haven’t, except in Rocky IV).

And finally, I don’t believe Palin’s more qualified to be president. I think she’s less qualified. Which means she’ll probably win in 2012.

[via HuffPost]

Tagged: daily kos, president obama, republicans.

When I picture the diehard supporters of Debra Medina for governor, I picture a group of misfits who have somehow found each other through a common interest, kind of like high school drama club. Since it’s a dreary day out and I’m taking my “lunch” break, I thought I’d go down that rabbit hole we like to call YouTube and see what I could find. The Tube did not disappoint.

This video features a woman named Penny Langford Longfellow. At a Ron Paul BBQ bash fundraiser. Rapping. Badly. To “Funky Cold Medina.” If Tone Loc were dead, he’d be rolling over in his grave. (And I’d just like to say for the record that “Wild Thing” is far superior to “Medina.”) My favorite part of this video is the 102-year-old woman to the left of the podium who, bless her heart, is trying to clap with the rhythm, of which there is none. As I was watching this performance, I couldn’t help but feel embarrassed for Miss Penny who didn’t have enough sense to be embarrassed for herself.

Sidebar: Someone should make sure Medina knows that “Funky Cold Medina” is basically about slipping roofies in women’s drinks. Just FYI.

Tagged: debra medina, funky cold medina, penny langford longfellow, rap.

Did I watch the Republican primary debate on Friday night? Yes. Did I enjoy it? No. The entire time I just sat there on my couch shaking my head and thinking, I should really be out on the town, but then anyone who uses the expression “out on the town” is probably too old to go out. So instead I stay in and do grown-up things like watch political debates, manage my finances, flip through More magazine, and drunk dial my relatives.

This debate was slightly more interesting than the last debate, mostly because of Wayne Slater. He was on fire. You know how when there’s a big storm coming, the meteorologist on the local news gets so excited he can hardly stand it? As if this is what he’s been training for his entire life? That was Wayne. He looked like he was about to jump out of his seat. It was mesmerizing.

Little did I know that Burka was liveblogging it. When I found out, I immediately called him and said, BUT WE PROMISED WE WOULDN’T DO ANY LIVEBLOGGING. I heard him typing away in the background and I kept yelling, STOP TYPING! STOP TYPING! Infuriated, I hung up the phone and thought of ways to sabotage his blog. That’s why I missed most of what happened during the debate. But when I read Burka’s post later, I saw that Perry won, which I suppose is not terribly surprising given that the other two are women.

The best part was when, during a speed round for dorks, Hutchison was asked who the first governor of Texas was. What kind of question is that? And has anyone really heard of  J. Pinckney Henderson? Hutchison mumbled “Burleson,” apparently a name of some fictional character who was the first governor of The Land of Make Believe. But seriously? I can guarantee that neither Perry nor Medina would’ve known that one. In fact, Medina never even recognized the Office of the Governor as executive of the state before she decided to run for it.

Tagged: belo, debra medina, kay bailey hutchison, rick perry.

During some sort of bizarre Robert Bly-type Wild Man stick-shaking gathering today, the president met with more than 100 House Republicans at their GOP conference, which was televised on C-SPAN, as everything should be. As expected, they debated the issues and policies and both sides aired their grievances before Obama asked Minority Leader John Boehner to hit him.

Boehner: Whoa, wait, this is crazy. You want me to hit you?
Obama: That’s right.
Boehner: What, like in the face?
Obama: Surprise me.
[Boehner hits him.]
Obama: Ow, Christ… why the ear, man?

But the real sideshow to this forum was when Obama called Texas Rep. Jeb Hensarling by the wrong name after Hensarling blamed Obama for the federal deficit. The president called him Jim more than once. I think he got off easy. I would’ve called him Jackass. Anyway I’m the worst at remembering names. It’s embarrassing. Sometimes my husband walks in the door and I think, damn, I should know this one. I think that everyone needs to wear name tags at all times so you don’t have to suffer through those awkward moments where you have to introduce someone to someone else and you’re standing there not doing it because you have no idea who they are. Which is ruder—not introducing someone because you can’t remember their name, or introducing them by the wrong name?

This is exactly why George W. Bush gave everyone nicknames.

[Trail Blazers]

Tagged: jeb hensarling, jim.

So the Super Bowl is scheduled for Sunday, February 7, and the reason I say “scheduled” is because it might have to be postponed if there’s a Lost encore presentation of the first episode of the final season that night. Clearly I’m not a big football fan but I do occasionally watch it if only to see the commercials which get worse with every passing year. Last year I watched because Bruce Springsteen was doing the halftime show, which was spectacular.

Apparently the conservative Christian group Focus on the Family has paid for a pro-life ad which can’t possibly be any more offensive than last year’s GoDaddy.com ads. The ad features Heisman-winning Florida quarterback Tim Tebow and his mother Pam talking about her her decision not to have an abortion but instead give birth to Tim. Ah, those heartwarming mother-son conversations, broadcast for all the world to see while eating nachos and building beeramids. Thank God Tim turned out to be one of the best college quarterbacks of all time and not just some loser!

Naturally the National Organization for Women is demanding that CBS pull the commercial or face the wrath of millions of middle-aged feminazis boycotting CSI and Medium. According to NOW President Terry O’Neill, “The goal of the Focus on the Family ad is not to empower women. It’s to create a climate in which Roe v. Wade can be overturned.” As a feminist, I’ve got to say this seems a little over the top. I mean, it’s a commercial. Do you know how many offensive commercials and TV shows there are that degrade women? Let’s start with Cougar Town.

However, the network used to have a policy of not airing advocacy commercials during sporting events but a spokesman said they have changed their stance to reflect “industry norms.” I have no idea what that means. But I do know that seeing a 30-second spot isn’t going to change anybody’s mind on where they stand on this issue. Just like bumper stickers. (Except now I really do think that I’m a goddess and that my other car is a broom.)

[NPR]

Tagged: cbs, focus on the family, super bowl ad, tim tebow.

I’d like to apologize for my late posting but I can’t because, truth be told, I don’t really feel sorry. Late last night, after hosting book club and making a soupy albeit passable lasagna, someone had apparently poured sharp thumb tacks down my throat which made swallowing practically unbearable. So I took every kind of cold and allergy medication we had in the house because pain is unacceptable and I fell into a deep drug-induced sleep. When I woke up at noon, the tacks were gone and had been replaced by nasal congestion and snot. Ah, the human body. Full of mysteries. Needless to say, I did not go into the office and called them to explain that I’d be working from home and they were like, you still work here?

As you can imagine, it was almost impossible to hear the SOTU last night amidst book club discussions and grown women trying to recapture their long-lost youth by playing drinking games. None of my guests seemed very interested in the speech, except to dissect Michelle Obama’s purple dress. Personally I liked it. Everyone else thought it was too high-waisted. And you know how right before the president walks into the chamber, the House Sergeant at Arms and some other guy, standing shoulder to shoulder, announce him? This freaked out one of my friends who wondered why they were standing so close and looked so alike, as if we were watching the twins in The Shining. I asked, haven’t you ever watched this before?

I don’t think any of them had, since they asked me more than once why one side kept standing up and applauding during the speech and the other side remained seated. One friend pointed at John Boehner and asked, isn’t that the You Lie guy? I rolled my eyes and sighed heavily, realizing that I was going to miss the whole damn thing. But that’s OK because I TIVOed it and have it on in the background right now. And fine. It’s boring. Aside from the ceremonial aspects, they usually are. Of course, some have their surprising moments, like in 1998 when Bill Clinton mouthed “I love you” at Hillary after the whole Monica Lewinsky thing and she looked at him like she wanted to leap from the balcony and rip his face off.

Obviously Obama talked about jobs and the economy, health care reform, environment, education, death panels, etc. But he also criticized the recent Supreme Court ruling on campaign advertising and treating corporations like individuals. And the justices were right there in the front! OH NO. People have made a very big deal about this and I just don’t get it. Why do we treat the Supreme Court justices as if they’re these untouchable gods perched on Mount Olympus? The ruling was terrible and they deserved to be called out on it. (I’m looking at you, Alito.)

The part that I was really waiting for was the Republican response by VA Gov. Bob McDonnell, who had decided to deliver it from the Virginia House of Delegates. It was like mini-SOTU. It was like, if I’m not invited to your party, I’m going to throw an even better one! You know the Republicans are already salivating over the prospect of McDonnell-Brown 2012. Sorry, Perry.

Tagged: bob mcdonnell, republican response, state of the union.