JUST LIKE HE RAN FOR PRESIDENT
After his powerboat, The Rough Rider, sped through a 5-knot zone at a speed of 30 knots, Ross Perot was fined $300 in Bermuda Magistrates’ Court for operating “without reasonable consideration.”
SHE ONLY HAD ONE CLIENT ANYWAY
Prior to her withdrawal as a nominee to the U.S. Supreme Court, Harriet Miers admitted in a response to questions from the Senate judiciary committee that her license to practice law in Washington, D.C., had been suspended for failure to pay her D.C. bar association dues.
TRY THIS ONE: WHO’S BURIED IN GRANT’S TOMB?
Tom Craddick, the Speaker of the Texas House, told a seventh-grade history class in Austin that there are 454 U.S. representatives (there are 435) and 60 U.S. senators (there are 100).
WHAT WOULD JESUS DRINK?
The on-campus Starbucks at Baylor University removed coffee cups preprinted with notable quotes from the gay author Armistead Maupin.
THEY SHOULD HAVE CALLED IT DESPERATE HOUSE WHITES
ABC canceled plans to air the summer series Welcome to the Neighborhood, a reality show set in Austin’s Circle C Ranch subdivision, after fair-housing groups objected to the show’s premise, which was to allow white families to decide which of seven “diverse” families (black, Hispanic, Asian, gay) should win a free house in the neighborhood.
YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN STUPID, PART 845
Heath Boutte and David Martin pleaded guilty to charges that they had attempted to steal items from cars being held in the Houston Police Department’s impound lot.
AS SOON AS I’M DONE USING IT ON MY FOOT
At a Fort Worth concert, Bright Eyes lead singer Conor Oberst told the audience, “I don’t know if you know this, but I hate your [expletive] state. I’d put a [expletive] gun to my head before I’d live in your state.”
UNLIKE HER HUSBAND, THEY AREN’T DISPOSABLE
Denying rumors that her breasts were fake, Jessica Simpson told reporters, “Mine are definitely real. At school, my boobs were bigger than all my friends’, and I was afraid to show them. Now, I feel they make my outfits look better. They’re like an accessory.”
ACCESSORIES NOT INCLUDED
Avenue, a clothing retailer for plus-size women, began merchandising Jessica Simpson Denim.
WE ALWAYS SAID IT WAS HELL TO LIVE IN SAN MARCOS
Members of the clergy in San Marcos appealed to the U.S. Postal Service to change the city’s major ZIP code, 78666, stating their concern that, according to the Book of Revelation, the last three digits had satanic connotations.
EASILY RAISED BY SELLING ONE SHARE OF ENRON STOCK
Web surfers who used Google, Yahoo, and other search engines to find links to “Enron” and “Ken Lay” were directed to kenlayinfo.com, a sponsored site on which Lay assails the federal Enron task force and otherwise defends himself, at a cost to Lay of between 5 and 12 cents per visitor.
HE ALWAYS SAID HE WOULDN’T BE CAUGHT DEAD IN LOUISIANA
A corpse strapped to a gurney fell from a truck onto a South Dallas highway while en route to a Louisiana funeral home.
AND, APPARENTLY, TO USE EVERY BATHROOM
Since 1997, Rafael Antonio Lozano, of Houston, who now goes by “Winter,” has visited 4,958 coffee shops in North America and more than 200 in places as far away as Japan, in his quest to get a caffeinated drink at every Starbucks-owned store in the world.
STARTING WITH THE SALARY OF THE REPRESENTATIVE FROM THE TWENTY-SECOND CONGRESSIONAL DISTRICT
Tom DeLay published an editorial in the Washington Times arguing that funds to pay for the recovery efforts for hurricanes Katrina and Rita could be raised by cutting billions of dollars in wasteful spending from the federal budget.
YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN STUPID, PART 846
Thieves broke into the just-built house of Dallas police chief David Kunkle and stole the oven and the microwave.
EVERYONE WAS GOING APE. THE ESCAPED BEAST WAS GIBBON THE ZOO PATRONS THE SCARE OF THEIR LIVES. A MAN GOT OFF THE COLOBUS, SPIDER ON A RAMPAGE, AND EXPLODED IN REAL LANGUR. “RHESUS CHRIST!” HE SHOUTED. “GRIVET LOTS OF ROOM. RUN FOR THE BABOONDOCKS! IT’S A MANDRILL!” ONE VICTIM SUFFERED A BROKEN LEMUR. MEANWHILE, THE COPS WANTED TO SIAMANG THE ZOOKEEPER. “THEY WANT TO SAKI TO ME,” THE KEEPER TOLD HIS STAFF. “CAPUCHIN UP,” THEY TOLD HIM. BUT THE COPS WERE MARMOSET IN THEIR WAYS. “ENTELLUS THE TRUTH,” THEY DEMANDED. “DON’T MONKEY AROUND WITH US.” “I SWEAR I DIDN’T FORGET TO CHACMA LOCK,” SAID THE ZOOKEEPER. “YOU CAN’T MAKE A CHIMP OUT OF ME.” IF ONLY HIS STORY HAD ORANG TRUE, HE WOULDN’T BE LOOKING FOR A LAWYER TO REPRESENT HIM PROBOSCIS.
Three families sued the City of Dallas after a 350-pound gorilla escaped from its habitat and bit three people before police officers shot it.
THE EYES OF SAN MARCOS ARE UPON YOU
Norwegian commentators expressed shock when President and Mrs. Bush flashed hook ’em signs to the University of Texas Longhorn Band during Bush’s inaugural parade, because they interpreted the gesture as a satanic salute.
ONE PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND TEXTBOOKS
The Judson School District ﬁred a substitute teacher after her camera phone, containing pictures of her having sex, was passed around her high school classroom.
HE SHOULD HAVE JUST BRUSHED HIM BACK
Texas Rangers pitcher Kenny Rogers was suspended for thirteen games and required to make a $50,000 charitable contribution after he injured a TV cameraman who tried to film him as he walked onto the field.
NOW PITCHING FOR THE TEXAS RANGERS . . .
Tom Benson, the owner of the New Orleans Saints, struck a TV camera and knocked off its microphone as a crew filmed him exchanging comments with a hostile fan.
A CLASSIC CASE OF PEANUTS ENVY
Bonnie Liebman, the director of nutrition for the Washington-based Center for Science in the Public Interest, criticized Southwest Airlines for its high-calorie snacks and urged the