The Award Winners

Jeffrey Dahmer Would Have Loved It

The Houston Chronicle food section offered a stew recipe that called for “1 1⁄2 pounds skinless, boneless children breasts or thighs.”

At Least He Left the Punch and Cookies

A robber hit a neighborhood branch of the Security State Bank of Abilene the same day that the bank celebrated Customer Appreciation Day.

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At a New York computer trade show, Compaq senior vice president Ross Cooley charged that rival Packard Bell Electronics did little more than assemble computers from parts made by other companies. If Packard Bell’s executives sold their stock, Cooley said, the company would be left with nothing but “some Mexican factories and four Chinese engineers.”

Ladies and Gentlemen, The Next President of the United States

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It Was a Dispute Over a Game of Race Cards

Arlington Star-Telegram editor Jim Witt disbanded a group of readers serving as a mock jury watching the O. J. Simpson trial after just four weeks, when one panelist had to be physically restrained from attacking another.

First You Trade Your Third Baseman, Then You Try to Skip Town

The Center for Corporate Renewal in Houston held a two-hour seminar for presidents, CEOs, and CFOs of companies with revenues of $2.5 million to $250 million on “Survival in Turbulent Times,” featuring Drayton McLane, the owner of the Houston Astros, speaking on “The Turnaround of the Houston Astros—Becoming a Champion.”

We’ve Known That for Years

Secretary of Housing and Urban De-velopment Henry Cisneros, when asked “How’s your airport?” by a fellow airline passenger who mistook him for former Denver mayor and current Secretary of Transportation Fede-rico Peña, answered “You’ve got the wrong Hispanic.”

He Was in Fine Spirits Too

Juan Pelico of Houston was discovered in good condition after going without food for a week when he was accidentally locked inside a bar that is open only on Saturday nights.

The PCB Sauce Was a Killer

Lucius Lowell Flanagan of Houston was sentenced to ten years’ probation and his two sons were sentenced to prison for selling drums that had previously been filled with chemical waste as barbecue pits.

Where’s Willie Horton When You Need Him?

To tout their hometown, Port Arthur boosters dressed up in alligator costumes to meet with Governor George W. Bush at the state capitol.

Praise the Lord and Pass the Ammunition

A member of the New Hope Christian Fellowship Church in Plano offered a handgun certification class taught in the church sanctuary.

Actually, Bill Has Fame Too

Appearing on HBO’s Real Sports With Bryant Gumbel, Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones said, “There’s no ego in my life. But fifteen, twenty years ago, I was wandering around Arkansas, and Bill Clinton was. Who would have ever thought that one would go on to power, prestige, and fame. And the other would end up as president of the United States.”

In Sickness and in Wealth

Gifford Riney of Bullard sued his former wife, Hilda Stanley, for $2.15 million plus punitive damages when he learned that before she had their marriage annulled, she had won $4.3 million in the Texas lottery.

That’s What We Were Afraid of

Defending the Reverend William Hoover of St. Patrick’s Cathedral in Fort Worth, who resigned after his admission that 38 years ago he had sexually abused a 12-year-old boy, parishioner Fern Bombardier said, “He is very well liked and well respected here, and he has touched a great many people.”

There’s Activity in the Pen

Texas Rangers relief pitcher Ed Vosberg received a citation outside the Ballpark in Arlington for illegally trying to scalp four tickets to the All-Star Game.

America’s Fishiest Home Videos

Port Isabel High School band director Joe Martinez resigned following revelations that he had tried to nab a thief by conducting videotape surveillance of a room where girls changed clothes for band practice.

What We Want to Know Is, Could He Have Done This in Port Isabel?

After students at Canyon Vista Middle School in Round Rock vandalized the boys’ bathroom by urinating on rolls of toilet paper, principal Don Dalton apprehended a perpetrator by crawling into the ceiling and moving a ceiling tile so that he could peek into the restroom.

He’s Been Made an Honorary Alumnus of Canyon Vista Middle School

Robert Moore of Dallas was convicted of littering in Independence, Kansas, after he flew over the town in a rented single-engine plane trying to prove his boast that he could drop a roll of toilet paper on Main Street.

A Classic Case of Enos Envy

In an action that drew heavy criticism, the Texas Southern University regents, faced with high administrative turnover and low morale among faculty and students, elected as its new chairman former Houston Astro Enos Cabell, who attended community college for one year.

What’s the Velocity, Kenneth?

CBS Evening News anchor Dan Rather went to Panama City, Florida, to report live on Hurricane Opal.

Had I Been Born With a Bra, I Would Not Have Been Prosecuted”

A Harris County jury convicted Angelina Carreras of disorderly conduct after she bared her top at Sylvan Beach in La Porte. “Had I not been born with breasts, I would not have been prosecuted,” she said. “It’s not for attention. It’s for civil rights.”

Will Ignore for Ever

As part of a campaign to discourage contributions to panhandlers, the Trinity Ministry to the Poor in Dallas designed windshield stickers that featured a red slash across a beggar holding a “Will Work for Food” sign.

Next Thing You Know, They’ll Let Women Go to School There

After the Texas A&M administration objected that the A&M College Republicans had violated school rules in a fund-raising campaign to fight a proposed multiculturalism class, state Republican party chairman Tom Pauken charged that Texas A&M is no longer the conservative

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