The Awards

He Lost a Stroke Too

Scott Browning of Houston was awarded $16,500 in damages from the Men’s Club in Houston after an exotic dancer who was assigned to be his “designated caddy” and cart driver during a golf tournament at the club became inebriated during the event and overturned the cart into a drainage canal, causing his Achilles tendon to rupture.

Junkie Over Chunky

When researchers at St. Edward’s University in Austin tested male reaction to personal ads placed by females by making up two ads—one for a woman who said she was a drug addict, the other for a woman who described herself as fifty pounds overweight—79 percent of the men who responded replied to the addict.

He’s Trying So Hard To Cut Back

A convenience store customer in South Padre Island was arrested after he opened a pack of cigarettes, removed one, tore off the filter, and walked out with the remaining piece.

It Happens

Electrical contractor Harry Glass of Pasadena won first place in a Worst Workday contest with the story of how he was giving a safety talk to employees on the need to wear hard hats at all times when he was hit on his hatless head by bird droppings.

Tofu. It’s What’s for Dinner

News reports revealed that Texas Department of Agriculture assistant commissioner Diane Smith, who was in charge of marketing and promoting Texas beef, was a vegetarian.

The Truck Was Coming Down the Rhode. The Weather Was Fowl, and There Was No Chanticleer. The Driver Was a Brooder Who Kept His Capon as He Munched on a Hamburg And Listened to a Sumatra Tape. Suddenly He Saw a White Plymouth Campine Out in the Passing Lane. Was It Andalusian? He Blew the Leghorn, Turned The Styrian Wheel, But Couldn’t Pullet Off. The Truck Went Into a Faverolle. The Ending of Our Story May Be a Little Cornish: When the Cops Came to Chick It Out, They Rounded Up the Usual Sussex. (This Story Will Get Your Goat Too. No Kidding.)

A Pilgrim’s Pride truck overturned on Interstate 30 near downtown Dallas, killing about four thousand chickens, one day after a truckload of goats overturned on the same stretch of highway.

A Man’s Home Is His Palette

After his Abilene neighbors successfully protested his plan to convert his home into an interior decorating business, Jody Morales repainted the house in fluorescent colors of yellow, green, purple, and pink.

Wrong! It’s Not in the Desert

Hardee’s Food Systems apologized to the city of Mesquite and donated $2,500 to a local charity after city officials protested a national ad campaign touting Hardee’s mesquite-flavored bacon cheeseburger. The television commercial portrayed Mesquite, a suburb of Dallas, as a sleepy hayseed desert town with ostrich farms and billboards of two-headed steers.

Don’t Tell Hardee’s

A livestock truck overturned on a U.S. 80 interchange ramp in Mesquite, unleashing more than one hundred head of cattle that ran through the streets of the city for hours before they could be rounded up.

The South Is Risen

Cornerstone Church in San Antonio was forced to change the name of its “slave sale” fund-raiser, in which high school students were to be auctioned off to church members to perform chores, after black leaders protested the Reverend John Hagee’s announcement of the event in the church newsletter—including a mention that slavery would be “returning” to America.

She Started From Scratch

Lauretta Adams of Dallas has let her fingernails grow out for 23 years until they have become 10 to 29 inches long.

Comeback of the Year, Part I

Jose Estrada of Houston left home in his pickup and drove to the neighborhood jogging trail. While he was running, another jogger suffered a heart attack on the trail. Paramedics called to the scene could find no identification, but the victim was clutching a set of car keys. A deputy constable tested them in vehicles parked nearby and discovered that they fit Estrada’s pickup.

Here’s the Advice: Do as We Say, Not as We Do. Now Let’s Party

Texas lottery officials threw a two-day party at Houston’s Ritz-Carlton Hotel for people who had won at least $1 million and their guests, with attractions that included theater or hockey tickets, a trip to a ranch with Longhorn cattle, and an evening of dining and dancing, along with seminars on financial advice.

Fur! Bidden!

Animal rights activist Kelly Nichols was arrested after she interrupted a Neiman Marcus charity fashion show in Dallas by shoving a piecrust filled with non-dairy whipped cream into the face of designer Oscar de la Renta while shouting “Fur! Shame!”

A Voice Said, “Serve Cabrito and It Will Come”

Capitalizing on rumors that the legendary chupacabra, or goat sucker—a four-foot high, red-eyed winged demon with fangs—had been sighted along the Rio Grande, the people of Zapata decided to hold the First Worldwide Chupacabras Festival.

Comeback of the Year, Part II

The deputy checked the pickup’s license number and found that it was registered to Estrada. He went to the Estrada home and told Jose’s wife, Herlinda, that her husband had had a heart attack. When she arrived at the hospital, a doctor told her that her husband had just died. In shock, she viewed the body, which was still covered with tape and medical tubes, and identified it as her husband.

It’s the Station Formerly Known As Smart

Radio station KTFM in San Antonio was fined $7,500 by the Federal Communications Commission for violating the rule against airing indecent material before 10 p.m. when it played “Erotic City” by the singer formerly known as Prince.

Everyone Will Be Asking for a Cuddly Squashed Armadillo

Miles O’Neal of Austin, an Internet consultant who operates a Web site called Roadkills-R-Us, was threatened with litigation by Toys ‘R’ Us if he did not change the name of his homepage. The company wrote O’Neal, “People might easily believe that we were in some way sponsoring this entity, and this could adversely affect our long-standing customer good will.”

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