Texas Monthly Annual Bum Steer Awards

February 1974By Comments

EVERYBODY KNOWS LAST YEAR WASN’T the best of times; the only question is, was it the worst? Air conditioners at 78, heaters at 68, gasoline at 45 cents a gallon, steak at $3.50 a pound: with all that, how could times be good? On the other hand, there were no major scandals in state government, and the other good thing was…well, there was the time, uh…

After such a year, don’t feel bad if you’ve been left out of these awards. The competition was stiff. The year began with Governor Briscoe’s inauguration and ended with him still in office. While that is hard to top, we also saw 65,000 Texans stand and sing happy birthday to University of Texas’ longhorn mascot, Bevo; John Connally called but not chosen; The LaGrange Chicken Ranch closed: Ms. Modine Gunch named Miss Vacant Lot of the Universe; and the first issue of this magazine.

Memories are indeed made of this, and we have tried to reward appropriately the people and events which stand out. It all goes to show why Texas is more than a state of the Union—it’s a state of the mind. Hook ’em.

THE SPIRIT WAS WILLING, BUT THE FLACKER WAS WEAK

Daily Texan sports editor Buck Harvey announced that University of Texas football games were boring and he was going to boycott the rest of the schedule.

BETTER HOMES AND GARDENS FLORAL BOUQUET

To Janey Briscoe for her statement to the housewife whose Plainview home had been completely devastated by a tornado. Standing outside gazing at the only standing features, a chimney and a potted plant holding a wilted pansy, Mrs. Briscoe said: “I think you’ve been watering this too much.”

GO, AND NEVER DARKEN MY DIOR AGAIN

Houston Chronicle reporter Beverly Maurice asked visiting feminist and editor of Ms. Gloria Steinem how she managed to stay so well-groomed during all her traveling. “You wouldn’t ask that of a man,” snapped Ms. Steinem.

ONE RIOT, ONE RANGER AWARD

To Marvin Zindler, Houston newscaster, whose reporting led to Gov. Briscoe’s closing of the LaGrange Chicken Ranch. Marvelous Marv began the year as a deputy sheriff, switched to television, and ended by marching as head twirler of the Rice Band at the Texas A&M football game.

WOULD YOU BUY A USED CAR FROM THIS MAN?

Wielding a rifle, Lester Culp, disgruntled former used car salesman in Austin, made his ex-boss strip down to his boxer shorts and crawl on his knees up Congress Avenue. Lester said, “Those gents at the lot needed some exercise. They were sabotaging my cars and throwing trash on my desk.”

ALBERT SCHWEITZER HUMANITARIAN AWARD

To Dr. David Wade, Commissioner of Mental Health and Mental Retardation, or spending a large part of $50,000 two-year appropriation for the dilapidated Austin State School for (1) a sprinkler system for his yard and (2) a chair and desk for his office that cost $l,278.

FIVE GALLONS OF TREACLE, PLEASE

“Mandy’s Home for Christmas,” a TV special covering the Amanda Dealey kidnap case, has been the only special television crime program daddy-in-law Joe Dealey’s WFAA-TV has done since the assassination of President Kennedy.

SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO

The San Jacinto Monument sank six inches in 1972. By 2003 it will be the same height as the Washington Monument. In 1140 years it will disappear altogether.

AND WHO SAYS WE’D WANT TO, ANYWAY?

A Laredo judge berated a jury of ten men and two women who had acquitted a man for possession of 134 pounds of marijuana by telling them their decision was “stupid, illogical, ill-advised and you will never serve in my court again.”

ELDERLY MOSS? MARTIAN DANDRUFF?

The Texas Department of Public Safety investigated a mysterious white substance found clinging to trees and powerlines after a UFO was sighted near the Brownwood airport.

ME-DEEP IN CONVERSATION

“I’ve done some things in my mind that are quite original” said sculptor and University of Texas professor Charles Umlauf.

THROUGH A GLASS DARKLY

Bible-toting State Representative Fred Head of Troup kicked in the glass departure door at the Austin airport after having to go through the metal-detection machine twice.

WELL THEN, LINDA LOVELACE FOR PRESIDENT

When asked why he was successful on Houston television, defeated mayoral candidate Dick Gottlieb said, in his bass voice, “All I have is a ‘deep throat.'”

G. GORDON LlDDY BOUGHT THE LAST ONE

Herby’s Hot Foods in Fort Worth introduced in their ready-made sandwich vending machines a “Watergate Special” consisting of three pieces of bologna weighing one ounce each and costing 60 cents.

I GOT THEM WHOLESOME PRISON BLUES

The Distinguished Penology Award to George R. Brown, whose Brown and Root Construction Co. helped build South Viet Nam’s infamous “tiger cages” to hold political prisoners.

BOARD OF EDUCATION UPON THE SEAT OF LEARNING

The Dallas PTA was pleased that school trustees took a strong stand in favor of paddlings. Dallas public schools meted out 26,664 whippings last year to sassy kids.

WE’LL HAVE TO REMOVE DE GAULLE STONE, TOO

In an interview in the book, Cooley, famed Houston heart surgeon Dr. Denton Cooley revealed that he wanted to transplant the heart of Bobby Kennedy into then ailing ex-president Dwight Eisenhower.

JUST WAIT UNTIL THE FEAST OF THE RADISHES

Last Christmas season, 25 Grapevine citizens dressed up in red and green, stood on a platform in the shape of a Christmas tree, and lit candles simultaneously.

JOHN PETER ZENGER DISTINGUISHED JOURNALISM AWARD TO THE HOUSTON POST

Special mention and a doffing of the green eye-shade to managing editor Ed Hunter for censoring the Doonesbury comic strip.

APOCALYPSE CAN BE CURED

These amendments were offered while House members debated a bill to restore the death penalty in Texas: (1) Move the electric chair to the House floor so members could take a final vote before watching the first man fry; (2) Build a portable chair to set up outside county courthouses for Sunday afternoon family entertainment; (3) Abandon the chair and return to hanging because of the energy crisis.

ROBERT STRAUSS ON POT AND POLITICIANS

I. “Maybe they were looking for dope,” after he suspected White House plumbers had ransacked his house.

2. “I wouldn’t miss seeing those two bogus sons-a-bitches together for anything,” on the July 4th event when Sen. Edward Kennedy and Alabama Governor George Wallace shared the speaking honors.

CONTRACTORS OF THE YEAR

John J. Stokes, Sr., of San Marcos, whose firm demolished the historic Houghton House in Austin and T. C. Bateson of Dallas, builders of the crumbling LBJ Library.

WELL, SHUT MY MOUTH!

The publishers of The American Heritage Dictionary, which finally admitted various four-letter words, printed a censored “Texas edition.”

BUM STEER AWARD

To help conserve fuel during the energy crisis, Gov. Briscoe allowed at a Capitol press conference that he might even stop using his limousine and walk from the Governor’s mansion to the Capitol, a distance of two blocks.

FROM THE MOUTHS OF BLABS

The Fort Worth Star-Telegram introduced “Dear Lisa,” a twice-weekly advice column by ll-year-old Lisa Napier. Lisa counsels Fort Worth children on name-calling, handwriting-kidding, boyfriends looking on test papers, etc.

CHICKENS COME HOME TO ROOST

The slaughtering of baby chicks in Texas caused by President Nixon’s price freeze was first reported by a bank president in Nixon, Texas.

HEY, SING RED SONS IN THE SAIL SET

San Antonio Disc Jockey Lee Fisher sang the Ballad of Wounded Knee for 24 hours in front of the Southern Methodist University student center.

NOW, MORE THAN EVER

A massage parlor now occupies the former Nixon Re-Election Headquarters building in Garland.

AWARD-WINNING LETTER TO THE EDITOR

“If Nixon is so tough, how come nobody has ever seen him on a motorcycle?” From the Daily Texan, Austin.

SUFFER THE LITTLE CHILDREN TO COME UNTO ME.

Brother Lester Roloff of Roloff Evangelistic Enterprises revealed how children are cared for in his church-sponsored, currently unlicensed, juvenile homes: “We teach ’em, love ’em, and whip ’em.”

THAT MAKES THREE BOOGIES, ONE GUINEA AND ONE GREASEBALL

Chancellor Charles LeMaistre, of the University of Texas at Austin, after announcing that the university administration’s racial breakdown was 95 percent white, 2 percent black, and 3 percent brown, said “I know of no unfair employment practices in the UT system.”

A CAULIFLOWER IS ONLY A CABBAGE WITH A COLLEGE EDUCATION

To Lubbock Christian College and the University of Plano for being the only two Texas colleges who regularly advertise in the John Birch Society Journal, American Opinion.

HURRY UP, LET’S SPEND THE BEER MONEY

A San Antonio judge acquitted a young woman and her boyfriend when he ascertained that the only reason they broke into a school was to make love. “Poor people don’t have anything to do but make love and drink beer and these two don’t have any money for beer.”

I’M STUCK OUTSIDE LLANO WITH THOSE OLD ST. MORITZ BLUES

Sandyland Resort in Llano offers year-round skiing. Ride the lift to the top and ski down the 1500-foot slope carpeted with Astroturf and covered with polysnow. This year, Ski Llano!

HIS HONOR IS AT STEAK

Surplus food for the poor valued at $358,450, including 85,000 pounds of butter, 74,000 pounds of cheese and 47,000 cans of chopped meat, was reported missing in Brownsville. The Cameron County Commissioners’ report produced no indictments or charges filed.

1973 JOHN J. AUDUBON AWARD

To Col. W. T. Newsom, commander of the Matagorda Island Air Force Bombing Range, who likes to fly over the 43 near-extinct Whooping Cranes wintering on the Gulf. “You know, when you buzz them real low, you can see their heads turn,” said Newsom.

WHAT IF THEY GAVE A KEY AND NOBODY CAME?

In a ceremony conspicuous by the absence of all elected officials, an Austin city councilman’s aide presented a key to the city to Jane Fonda.

OUR PUP RUNNETH OVER

In their haste to round up 40,000 unleashed and running wild dogs, Dallas dog catchers accidentally killed Josh, a bulldog valued at over $2,000 by the National Bulldog Association.

OH, SIT DOWN GLENN

Senator Glenn Kothmann introduced a bill to require lobbyists to wear name tags while talking to legislative members.

AWWWWW

In a change of heart, the De Soto City Council decided not to change Wintergreen St. to Orr Blvd. in honor of favorite citizen Roy Orr, a member of the Dallas County Commissioners’ Court.

THE BUCK STOPS THERE

John Connally’s law firm opened an office at 1701 Pennsylvania, one block from the White House.

BUM STERRETT AWARD

Dallas County Judge Lew Sterrett called Dallas’ mass transit system “four rubber tires.”

EDIFICE REX: THE GRANDEUR THAT WAS HOME

In multi-millionaire Troy Post’s basement is a book outlining all the wonders found in his home: (1) It costs $42.82 an hour to run the house when all appliances and lights are turned on; (2) There is enough concrete in the house to construct a two-lane, two and one-half mile boulevard; (3) There are enough bricks to build 25 average-size homes; (4) The house is 27,000 square feet and five stories; (5) The first level is a 2,700-foot bomb shelter; (6) On the second level is an indoor pool and large movie screen. Guests, upon request, can see a film of his daughter’s debutante party last year in which 300 guests were flown on a 747 jumbo jet to Tres Vidas (Post owns it) in Acapulco for the weekend.

THAT MASKED MAN LEFT THIS SCHEDULE, A SILVER BULLET, AND A MAP

Rep. Jim Kaster of El Paso introduced a bill during the last legislative session that would require criminals to inform their victims what was going to happen and where 24 hours before the crime.

TONOWANDO SOLOGODAM HOW-HOW, BWANA. IT’S ME, SABU

Ray Rodriguez, after being robbed at his autoparts-repair shop in Dallas, wounded the fleeing bandit with a 31/2 dart, shot from Ray’s three-foot blow gun.

AND THEN THEY CAST THEIR FILLINGS INTO A GOLDEN CALF.

The Rev. A. C. McKaig said that not only did ten persons receive silver and porcelain fillings in their teeth at his last prayer meeting, but that dentures tightened, bites changed and gum ridges were built up. “Bring a flashlight so you can see the holes in the teeth before they’re filled,” sayeth Brother McKaig.

DUMB STEER AWARD

On the same day that the U.S. Corps of Engineers, the Mississippi River Commission, and the U.S. Bureau of Reclamation all announced that importing water from the Mississippi to the Texas high plains was “completely unjustified…no way economically possible…the total cost would be $20.5 billion,” Gov. Briscoe told the Water Resources Conservation and Development Task Force that “bringing water from the Mississippi was realistic and is very, very definite top priority.”

AND DON’T YELL “HELP”! YELL “IMMEDIATE ASSISTANCE REQUIRED”!

The Dallas Fire Department no longer uses the word “fireman.” Next time, call a “fire and rescue worker” when you are on fire.

NOT IF YOU WRITE IT ON THE BACK OF AN ENVELOPE, DOLPH

Gov. Briscoe’s closing address to the Texas House during the last hour of the legislative session: “Certainly the words I say tonight will fade from memory.”

WHAT DO THESE FOUR PEOPLE HAVE IN COMMON?

Robert Strauss
Sissy Farenthold
Michael DeBakey
Bob Armstrong

They all appeared on President Nixon’s enemy list.

FASTEST GAVEL IN THE WASTE

At the height of last year’s Mideast nuclear scare, Lt. Gov. William Hobby named three emergency successors assuring Texas of having a lieutenant governor in case atomic attack left him “unavailable.”

ROT ON BABY! FREE THE CAPITOL 4

The State of Texas has increased the number of black state employees by less than one per cent since 1968.

I’M GONNA WASH THAT HARE RIGHT OUTTA MY MAN

In Texas, it is still a misdemeanor to mess around with animals in public.

AND ON THE RIGHT, KIDS, IS A TYPICAL BODY COUNT

A World War II fortress, complete with its own aircraft and navy, is the newest tourist facility planned along the Dallas-Fort Worth Toll Road near Grand Prairie. When finished it will cover 35,000 square feet and be designed in the shape of a military bunker, surrounded by a moat.

YOU MUST TAKE THE BITTERS WITH THE SUITE

Thirty-six disgruntled SMU students were ousted from their dorm to make way for the school’s athletes, who immediately commanded new carpeting, stereo sound system throughout and a new juke box. Furthermore, cafeteria lines were divided up: one for the 136 jocks and one for the other 600 students.

THEY GOT BLACK TEETH AND LATHER UP WITH SOY SAUCE, GENE

Texas House member and Corpus Christi jeweller Joe Salem commented after personally negotiating with North Viet Nam’s representatives in Paris: “Most Americans don’t realize how different these people really are.”

TAKING THE AIR

Charged with attempting to extort $50,000 from two superiors, William Barron, public relations chief for the Texas Air Control Board was arrested at Austin’s famous skinny dipping site, Hippie Hollow.

I’LL HAVE THE DARK MEAT ON ANOTHER PLATE, PLEASE

State Comptroller Robert S. Calvert commented on a Dallas House member’s investigation into racial hiring practices: “Those charges were made by that nigger woman who doesn’t know what she is talking about.”

THE TWO SAMS—FLOT AND JET—EDUCATION POLLUTION AWARD

To the University of Texas for discharging 553,000 gallons of effluent into Austin’s Waller Creek every day.

TWO EARS AND A TAIL PRIZE

To Rep. Bill Hollowell of Grand Saline for his statement opposing a bill providing bilingual education in colleges: “This bill would turn these schools into training grounds for radicals teaching meskin nationalism.”

AND CHRISTMAS IS ON DECEMBER 26

An official City of Dallas press release on the tenth anniversary of JFK’s death ended by commenting that “President Kennedy was assassinated near the Texas School Book Depository on Nov. 23, 1963.”

MESS WITH US AND WE’LL SEND YOU TWO DIXIE CUPS AND A THREAD

In the Austin phone book’s Capitol listings, Southwestern Bell wrongly listed defeated Senatorial candidate G. C. Garcia. You can try to reach him by dialing the winner of the contest, Raul Longoria.

I FORGOT THE LOAVES AND THE FISHES

Well known Dallas atheist Jack Cody was fined $100 for showing up in the lobby of a Baptist Church dressed only in a bathrobe and stocking cap.

THE SPIRIT WAS WILLING BUT THE FLANKER WAS WEAK

Dallas Cowboy John Niland, when arrested in North Dallas running down streets, banging on doors, and repeatedly babbling “player-coach, player-coach,” claimed he had had a deep religious experience and had found Jesus.

WOMEN’S LIB CAPITAL OF TEXAS

Student balloting at Texas Christian University on the question, “Do you favor sex discrimination?” turned out 720 in favor, 695 against.

THAT COMES TO 5,000 TACOS, 730 ENCHILADAS, AND ONE BIG MAC

All King Ranch employees receive 60 pounds of beef a month.

UMMM, KEMOSABE, BIG SILVER CATERPILLAR DUE IN SEVEN, MEBBE EIGHT MOONS

The National Railroad Passenger Corporation said Amtrak passenger service between Dallas and Houston would be the only service in the nation slower than freight traffic.

WHOSE WOODS THESE ARE I THINK I KNOW HIS HOME IS IN THE VILLAGE THOUGH

While Coastal States Gas Co. offered up excuses why fuel allocations to Corpus Christi, San Antonio, and Austin were radically misjudged, company chairman of the board Oscar Wyatt basked in heated comfort in Houston’s River Oaks.

THE EGG PLANT THAT ATE CHICAGO

Frothy white bubbles that mysteriously appeared on some suburban Dallas lawns were finally killed with nicotine.

BIG WINNERS OF 1973

Peter Gent, ex-Dallas Cowboy, author of the successful North Dallas Forty, a first novel about the Dallas football team, that earned him over $500,000.

David Clyde—Young pitcher who signed a $125,000 contract out of high school with the Texas Rangers.

Ben Crenshaw—Young Austin pro-golfer, whose first year on the tour has netted him nearly $100,000.

Tom Johnson—At 31, named executive editor of The Dallas Times Herald.

Fred Hoflteinz—Won mayoral race of Texas’ biggest city second time around.

H. L. Hunt, patriarch and symbol of all Texas oil and gas companies, which enjoyed record profits.

Esther Bellard, 19-year-old maid at Austin’s Ramada Inn who was allowed to keep $10,000 she found under a mattress while cleaning one of the rooms at the Inn.

Former U.S. Marine Sgt. Ronald Ridgeway, officially reported dead in Viet Nam, who showed up in a prison camp five years later and in December, wed Houston beauty Marie Lucario.

R. W. Kirland, L. C. Stanchil and C. D. Doolittle, three Dallas construction workers who found $47,400 in gold certificates while digging a ditch at the Walnut-Stemmons Industrial Park complex in Dallas, and got to keep it.

Miss Vacant Lot of the World—Won by Ms. Modine Gunch, at the 3rd First Annual International Armadillo Confab and Exposition in Victoria.

WE’LL CALL THESE TWO GREGORY PECK AND PULLET GODDARD

According to the new Texas Penal Code it is still a third degree felony to steal cattle, horses, sheep and swine, but only a misdemeanor to rustle chickens.

PROCEED WITH THE IMPLANTATION OF THE ALGERIAN TRANSISTOR RADIOS IN THE BOTTOM MOLARS

Ross Perot revealed that he set up his very own privately financed spy network in Viet Nam.

AND THEN YOU HIT IT WITH DELSEY TWO-PLY, CAULKING GUNS AND A LEECH

Dr. William Kelly, an orthodontist from Grapeville, has made public his cure for cancer. It consists of coffee, lemon juice, buttermilk and yogurt enemas followed every fourth night by a rubdown from head to toe with olive and castor oils. Then you take a 15-minute hot bath and spend an hour in bed with heavy covers and a heating pad to sweat out the remaining poisons.

PHI BETA COPPER

Sheriff A. B. Nail of Pecos gives close shaves and basic training-length haircuts to all long-haired inmates of his jail. “Eighty-five percent of the people in my jail have long hair and this indicates to me that all thugs wear long hair and messy clothes.” (Charles Whitman, Richard Speck, Dean Corll and Juan Corona all had crew cuts, A.B.)

CHARLES LEMAISTRE, WETHEAD

The University of Texas at Austin will build a $6.6 million swimming pool for its non-award-winning swimming team. Chancellor LeMaistre’s son, Fred, is a member of the team.

HOW’S THAT AGAIN?

Baylor alums received a splashy brochure highlighting gambling, drinking and horse-racing wonders on a proposed trip. After a volley of protests, the ex-student association mailed new letters emphasizing the cultural and religious advantages of San Juan, Puerto Rico.

SOCKET TO ME AT CREDIBILITY GAP

University of Texas officials claimed the lights used at last fall’s night football games didn’t contribute to the energy drain because fans at the stadium weren’t using their television sets.

AND THOU SHALL BE CHASTE ALL THE REST OF THY LIFE

In San Antonio, Gem L. Poe was struck by lightning while sawing a tree limb. Poe was uninjured but the bolt melted his nylon socks and welded his fly shut.

STIFF COMPETITION

Ortiz Mortuary in San Antonio and the University of Texas Medical School in San Antonio race each other for the bodies of paupers. Ortiz wants the corpses for money (the county pays him $160 per corpse to embalm and bury them) and the medical school for research items. Ortiz is ahead.

TEXANS WE COULD HAYE DONE WITHOUT

1. Dr. Joseph Farrar, Houston—Former head of Artesia Hall, the recently closed juvenile home where a child died of neglect.
2. Rayford Price, defeated candidate in legislative race against Rep. Fred Head—Used his blind brother Grady’s picture as a billboard in an attempt to smear Head.
3. U.S. Rep. Jim Collins—Is under investigation for an alleged scheme to rake off portions of his employees’ salaries for his own pockets.
4. Oscar Wyatt—Chairman of the board of Coastal States Gas.
5. Bud Adams—Owner of pro football’s worst team, the Houston Oilers.
6. Jake Jacobson, former assistant to the late President Johnson—Filed for bankruptcy and whose law firm was the liaison which carried the controversial cash contributions between the Associated Milk Producers of San Antonio and the Committee to Re-elect the President.
7. Central Christian Churchof Austin—Notified the city that they intended to tear down historic Hunnicutt House and build a church parking lot.

HO-HUM, YAWN

The Confederate Air Force will be grounded because of the fuel crisis.

SERVES YOU RIGHT

George Bush was whopped on the head by a Spiro Agnew warmup serve.

SCUTTLE THE PORTHOLE! WEIGH THE MIZZENMAST! CAST OFF THE FIRST MATE!

Texas A&M has bought a two-man sub costing $149,256; top speed is two knots.

A WRENCH IN TIME…

Austin TV camera man George Brown got a letter from General Motors recalling his 1972 Vega because the rear axle might disengage. On his way to the garage, it did.

FREEDOM OF THE PRESS BELONGS TO THE MAN RICH ENOUGH TO BUY IT

Capital Cities Broadcasting Co. of New York City bought the Fort Worth Star-Telegram and its radio station, WBAP-AM-FM, for $80 million. Linn Broadcasting, also of New York City, bought Fort Worth’s television station, WBAP-TV, for $35 million. In San Antonio, Australian press mogul Keith R. Murdoch bought the Express-News for $18 million.

REPORTS OF MY WHEREABOUTS ARE GREATLY EXAGGERATED

The first I’ve ever heard about it, said Gov. Briscoe when told of the existence of the LaGrange Chicken Ranch, the longest running Farm of Ill Fame in America.

COULD WE SEE A PICTURE OF THAT?

Commenting on how easy it is to get along in Washington, D.C., Special Assistant to the President Anne Armstrong said: “Men are bending over backwards to meet women halfway up here.”

I ONLY REGRET THAT I HAVE BUT ONE LIFE TO GIVE FOR MY COUNTY

A. A Dallas County jury after 44 minutes of deliberation handed down sentences of 5,005 years to each of the two brothers accused of kidnapping Amanda Dealey 16 weeks earlier.
B. Three men and two women received maximum penalties of a $5,000 fine each and five years in prison for conspiring to show Deep Throat. The actual showing of the movie is a misdemeanor.
C. Underground newspaper editor Stony Burns was convicted for possessing 1/10 of an ounce of marijuana seeds.
D. Assistant D. A. Frank Jackson asked a Dallas jury to sentence Milton Frank to 10,000 years for armed robbery.

THE ROAR OF HIS EGO, THE SMELL OF THE CLOUD

Braniff commissioned Alexander Calder to repaint their South American bound planes, eliminating the airline’s name from the fuselage and substituting his own.

FOR THE LAST MEAL, LET’S HAVE COLD CUTS

“Apparently they would rather freeze to death in pure air for lack of fuel than suffocate in polluted air.” Senator Peyton McKnight of Tyler, speaking of environmentalists in a speech during December’s special session on lowering Texas highway speed limits.

DO YOU BILLY BOB, TAKE THEE BERNARD?

In Wharton, an ex-football player and a female impersonator obtained a marriage license and were married by a Dallas minister who said of the unusual coupling: “We marry souls, not bodies. They are married in the eyes of God and in the eyes of Texas.”

HONEST SCALES…NO TWO WEIGHS ABOUT IT

Jim Toon of Dallas was fined $250 for selling fresh strawberries in a deceptively large basket with a false bottom. He used wicker baskets with paper sacks wadded up in the bottom to fool shoppers. It was Jim’s second bust for the same offense.

AT QUARTERBACK, NUMBER 24, EMORY THE TERRIBLE, WEARING THE HOUSEDRESS AND BEJEWELED KNEEPADS

Northshore Jr. High. School (Galena Park) football coach, Tony Simpson wrote that long-haired young athletes were mousy panty-waisted, feminine and potential slaves to wives, girlfriends and mothers. Said Tony:

(1) “The fact that males are wearing their hair long does not mean that the U.S is going to be destroyed. But it does indicate that the condition of the soul is not only abnormal but reversed.”

(2) “A woman who wants a feminine-appearing male is not a real woman in her soul.”

(3) “Today’s mousy males enjoy being in submission to warped women and actually are fooled in to believing they look better with long hair.”

(4) “A man’s short hair is a sign of authority over the woman and means he recognizes his authority.”

(5) “It should be pointed out here that the only reason males are free to permit this is because we had real men that were not cute, not sweet, and not pretty with courage and sense enough to kill our enemies on battlefields all over the globe.”

ATHLETIC SUPPORTER OF THE YEAR

Coach Joe Woolley of Galveston’s Ball High School who was fired for altering grade transcripts of two of his players.

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