January 1998

The 1998 Bum Steer Awards

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He’s Been in a Terrible Pickle, But Now He’s Ready to Ketchup For Lost Time.
The Scoreboard Sports Bar in Houston offered the Marv Albert Hamburger on its menu, served with double meat and double cheese and which “takes lots of bites to finish.”

The Suspects Are Armed And Hammered and Considered Dangerous
The FBI called off a nationwide search for two terrorists after discovering that the suspected containers of diesel fuel and fertilizer the men had loaded on a truck in Haltom City actually contained diesel fuel and baking soda.

Neither Snow, Nor Rain, Especially Not Snow . . .
Letter carrier Juan Middaugh of El Paso was arrested after federal agents discovered he was delivering not only mail but also cocaine on his regular route.

All Applications Are Due By December 31, 1919
The Insider’s Book of Law School Lists, published by New York–based Kaplan Educational Center, includes Texas Christian University’s law school, which closed in 1920.

Chew First, Ask Questions Later
The Dallas Police Department suspended Officer Raymond Dethloff, Jr., for fifteen days because he ate a chicken sandwich he found in an accident victim’s car.

Hold That Hemline!
Burleson High School cheerleaders can no longer wear their uniforms to class on game days because the short skirts violate a newly adopted dress code.

Don’t Even Ask How He Plays Boomer Sooner
Russell Slaton of Malakoff, a University of Texas graduate, can perform the “Aggie War Hymn” with his armpit.

The Murder Weapon Contained Traces Of Blood, Tissue, and Chlorophyll
A Webb County assistant district attorney revealed that the ax used to commit a brutal triple murder there was subsequently used by a courthouse employee to trim branches off a Christmas tree.

It’s “Stakeout,” Not “Steak Out,” You Fools
The Texas Board of Private Investigators and Private Security Agencies was investigated by the Travis County District Attorney’s office following auditors’ reports that the panel improperly spent $17,470 on hotels and food.

Thou Shalt Not Cover
Calvary Church of Pampa attempted to circumvent restrictions on the display or posting of religious material in public schools by distributing paper bookcovers on which were printed the Ten Commandments.

Little Cat Feat
Cat Fancy magazine named Granpa Rex Allen Baldwin as America’s oldest feline, crediting the Austin resident’s advanced age of 32 in part to his regular consumption of broccoli.

Did I Say “Jackpot”? I Meant to Say “Crackpot”
A Houston man who appeared on a taping of Sally Jessy Raphaël’s show, saying that he wanted to help out a troubled teenager with part of his Texas lottery jackpot, later confessed that he was an unemployed store clerk who had lied about winning $10 million.

The Bloods and the Lambs
The New Caney Independent School District prohibited students from wearing rosary beads and crucifixes outside their clothing, saying that the religious jewelry could be used as gang symbols.

Where Are the Bolsheviks When You Need Them?
Nick Nicholson, a visiting curator at the Corcoran Gallery in Washington D.C., who designed the “Jewels of the Romanovs” exhibit, altered the labels for the show’s Houston tour, replacing explanations about political intrigues with information about the number of carats in particular gems. “Texans want to know how big it is,” Nicholson told The New Yorker, adding, “The courtiers of St. Petersburg were the rich Texans of their day, coming into money and society late, then making up for lost time by building and buying big.”

Q. Describe the Proper Treatment for Mass Trauma
After making the highest scores ever recorded on a national nursing exam, 47 students at Prairie View A&M University learned they would have to be retested because a computer disk supplied to help them prepare for the exam inadvertently contained many of the questions and correct answers for the actual test.

There’s Good News and Bad News, Amado. The Good News Is, It Worked!
Drug kingpin and fugitive Amado Carrillo Fuentes of Ciuadad Juárez, Mexico, died of heart failure after undergoing cosmetic surgery and liposuction to alter his appearance.

Vomit-Stained T-Shirts, Though, Are Encouraged
The resort town of South Padre Island outlawed the wearing of ties.

The Stoned Wheat Bread Works So Much Better
Continental Airlines fired a pilot who failed a random drug test but rehired him after learning that his ex-wife had given him homemade rye bread, into which she had baked marijuana.

Does the Pilot Like Rye Bread?
A Continental Airlines flight from Houston with 54 passengers on board landed at a World War II landing strip four and a half miles from its destination of Corpus Christi International Airport.

The Bucket Brigade Couldn’t Stretch That Far
The city of Kilgore’s main fire station burned during National Fire Prevention Week while firefighters were across town battling another blaze.

Bum Deer Award
After being honored for shooting a champion whitetail deer in 1996, B. W. Morrow of Dallas is being investigated by the Texas Parks and Wildlife Department and the Travis County District Attorney’s office about whether he embellished the trophy buck with a purchased set of ten-point antlers.

They Got the Big Bird Instead
A San Antonio Wal-Mart fired two employees for hiding Tickle Me Elmo dolls from customers so that they could purchase the popular Sesame Street toys themselves.

We Know Where You Can Get $125,000 for a Handsome Plaque
At the same time the federal Environmental Protection Agency was considering a fine of $125,000 against the town of Frisco for violating the Clean Water Act at its water treatment plant, the Texas Natural Resource Conservation Commission was nominating the water plant for an EPA excellence award.

Vincent van Gone
Inmate Steven Russell walked away from Huntsville’s Estelle Unit after using a green marking pen to color his white prison uniform to resemble the hospital scrubs of a prison-infirmary employee.

It Was a Clear Case of Fallacious Journalism
After KENS-TV of San Antonio aired an explicit clip of two men in a public park restroom engaging in oral sex, news director Jerry Ridling explained that the video was mistakenly shown without sufficient distortion and expressed concern over “the great perception that we put these pictures on the air purposely” to improve ratings.

Naked Came the Strangers
The Live Oak resort near Brenham hosted two thousand men and women attending a national nudists’ convention.

Stop Me Before I Reenact Again!
Since Jeral Foreman of Houston has been portraying thieves and killers in almost one hundred televised episodes of Houston’s Crime Stoppers, he has been physically restrained and reported to the police by citizens who thought they recognized him as a criminal, and he was once prevented from seeing his fiancee at night by her relatives because they thought he was a rapist.

And Yet He Continues To Elude Extinction
Producers halted a rehearsal for Barney and Friends, the Richardson-based children’s television show, after the purple dinosaur’s suit filled with smoke when the cooling fan inside the sixty-pound costume shorted.

It Was Closer Than the Score Indicated
Setting a record for the most lopsided game in Texas high school basketball, Goodrich crushed Chester 144–6.

Attention, You Imperialist Dogs! There’s Something Especial in the Air
The Austin office of American Airlines used a Fidel Castro look-alike to greet passengers preparing to board the inaugural flight from Austin to Miami.

They’re Thinking of Calling It El Bypasso
In a national study of obesity El Paso was rated the fattest Texas city, with 33 percent of its population overweight.

Sounds Like Justice to Us
Lyons Partnership, the owners of Barney, filed suit against Ted Giannoulas, the “Famous Chicken” of San Diego, California, after the chicken performed repeated skits in which he assaulted a character dressed to resemble the purple dinosaur.

And at Worst?
After Congressman Ron Paul, a Surfside Republican, stated on a cable news show that he feared being “bombed by the federal government at another Waco,” fellow representative Chet Edwards, a Waco Democrat, said on the House floor that Paul’s comment was “sheer lunacy at best.”

That’s Fine as Long As He Doesn’t Get Caught Holding
In a photo caption accompanying a story about a disc injury suffered by Dallas Cowboys cornerback Deion Sanders, the Greenville Herald Banner said that Sanders “does not expect a bulging dick in his back to slow him down on the football field.”

One Riot, One Rager
Chuck Norris look-alike Bill Cavenaugh appeared as the Walker, Texas Ranger character in ads for a Wisconsin car dealer, causing Norris to attempt to block future impersonations. In response, Cavenaugh erected a huge billboard in downtown Dallas that read “Thanks to Chuck Norris, I Am an Unemployed Commercial Actor.”

File Schedule FU-2
Carol Ward of Denver, Colorado, won $325,000 in damages plus attorney’s fees against the Internal Revenue Service for raiding her son’s business and releasing confidential information about her returns after she told an IRS auditor, “You know, I think the citizens of this great country would be better served if you were slinging hash and flipping chicken-fried steak at a truckstop somewhere in West Texas with your big hair and big earrings.”