January 1998
The 1998 Bum Steer Awards
The Escapees Are the Ones Who Are Jogging Fast
Nacogdoches County changed its prisoners’ work-crew uniforms from ultra-bright orange to old-fashioned black-and-white stripes after alarmed citizens reported sighting escapees who turned out to be joggers.
Try Our Famous Vanilla Waivers, Coffee With Chicanery, Subpoena Noir, Hot Tea With a Twist of Lemon Appeal, Pot de Criminal, Chocolate Judge Cake, Fruit Supreme Court, Tirami-sue, Gideon’s Crumpet, Eclair and Present Danger, Parfait Accompli, Fish Roe v. Wade On Writs Crackers, Pecan Praliens, Espresso Authority, Old Bailey’s Irish Coffee,V&E’s Coffee, Café au Layman, Brandeis Tea, Roscoe Poundcake, Baby Ruth Bader Ginsburg, and All Kinds Of Torts. Or Just Say, “Give Mea Culpa Coffee!”
Attorney David Musslewhite of Dallas opened a combination law office and coffee bar dubbed Legal Grounds.
It Could Have Been Worse
In a game against the Los Angeles Lakers, the Dallas Mavericks set an NBA record by scoring only two points in a quarter.
“Breathe! Breathe!”
Steven Sera of Irving was arrested for rape and kidnapping after his ex-wife played a videotape of what she thought was her second child’s birth but, according to law enforcement authorities, showed Sera engaging in sex with unconscious women.
“Sorry—We Were Looking for Drew Nixon”
Two Abilene prostitutes were arrested for leaving a message about availability and price when they tried to page a customer but mistakenly dialed the number of a local narcotics officer.
Cedar Fever Will Do That to a Man
Jerry Wayne Adams of Lubbock was sentenced to ten years’ probation in Lubbock County on six counts of shrub arson three days after accepting ten years’ probation in Hale County for setting fire to junipers.
Suspicions Confirmed
The Austin Independent School District mailed report cards for 35,000 secondary school students to the wrong home addresses.
But “Heaven-o” Contains The Word “Heave”
Kleberg County commissioners unanimously adopted “heaven-o” as the county’s official greeting after a Kingsville man pointed out that “hello” contains the word “hell.”
That’s I as in Idiots
After comedian Rodney Dangerfield decided to premiere his latest movie in Daingerfield, the city council officially dropped the first i from its name for a week.
Drop Those Panties or I’ll Clog Your Arteries
A thief in Denison who disguised himself with pink panties pulled over his head was foiled by a convenience-store clerk who scared him away by throwing cans of Spam.
101 Damnations
U.S. senator Kay Bailey Hutchison donned spotted earmuffs to attend the inauguration of President Clinton.
The ‘63 Connery Is Fantastic, But Avoid The ’69 Lazenby
At a Napa Valley charity wine auction, the trio of restaurateurs who own Del Frisco’s Double Eagle and two other Texas steakhouses paid $360,000 for a motorized wine table that plays various James Bond musical themes and contains eighteen magnums hand-painted with scenes from the 007 films.
Speed Limits Howitzer Enforced
Smith County sheriff J. B. Smith acquired two 13-ton military-surplus armored personnel carriers identified as Bubba 1 and Bubba 2.
Look for Him in Area 51
Representatives of Austin’s Calvary Chapel told a gathering of University of Texas students that religion is the answer to alien abduction. “To get rid of the pesky aliens,” said layman Frank Dorian, “you need to find Jesus Christ.”
Confess Everything, My Son—Your Sins, Your Sorrows, Your Modus Operandi
Arlington police officers arrested John E. Shelton, a onetime minister to inmates at the Tarrant County jail, and charged him with four counts of armed robbery.
We’ll Give It to Him the Minute He Shows Up
French officials notified the U.S. government that France claims ownership of La Belle, the ship used by the explorer La Salle that has been excavated from Matagorda Bay by the State of Texas, because the ship belonged to Louis XIV.
Skillet Stealing— But Not Skill at Stealing
After assaulting a Conroe convenience-store clerk with an iron frying pan and stealing cash from the register, Michael Morrison and his wife, Lisa Wasson, were apprehended because they left Wasson’s driver’s license behind.
I’ve Seen Kilometers and Kilometers of Texas
After numerous drivers complained, Amarillo officials canceled a plan to install metric speed-limit signs.
They Identified Him From the Spam Stains
Charles Walter Hill of Fort Worth was convicted of aggravated robbery despite the fact that he wore boxer shorts over his head during a carjacking.
Repent! It’s Lather Than You Think
A meteorite hit the house of Howard Cameron, a Beaumont minister, while he was shaving.
Da ‘Boys Will Be Boys
On their final night of training camp at Austin’s St. Edward’s University, unidentified players for the Dallas Cowboys trashed a dormitory, ripping panels from the ceiling, knocking down a surveillance camera, and urinating in the hall.
Let Sleeping Dogs Rot
Outraged alumni flooded Texas A&M University with protests after learning that a plan to increase seating at Kyle Field would require relocating the graves of four Reveilles, the Aggies’ collie mascot, to a site without a direct view of the stadium scoreboard.
Few Americans Subscribe to the Durham Herald-Sun, and Fewer Still Have Any Ambition to Read It
During the Republic of Texas standoff in the Trans-Pecos, the Durham, North Carolina, Herald-Sun wrote of the area around Fort Davis, “Few Americans have seen the barren Davis Mountains in western Texas, and fewer still have any ambition to live there.”
Don’t Bogart That Finger
Four teenagers received probated sentences after they broke into a funeral home in Sanger to steal embalming fluid so they could smoke cigarettes dipped in it to get high. When they could find none, two of the teens cut a finger off a corpse and tried to squeeze out some fluid.
Better Warn the Football Team Not to Get a Delay-of-Game Penalty
Citing additional operating costs, Texas Stadium officials in Irving threatened to fine Abilene Cooper High School $1,200 after the marching band’s halftime show ran two minutes longer than planned.
“Hey, We Can Use One of These Cop Cars for Our Getaway”
Two men attempting to rob an armored truck parked outside the Greater Houston Credit Union were thwarted by dozens of law enforcement officers who were inside the building taking a special training class.
It’s Not the Environment, Stupid
After receiving a letter from a Dallas couple urging federal action to save the Texas Eagle, which is an Amtrak passenger train running from Chicago to San Antonio, Vice President Al Gore responded: “I share your view that the urgent problem of species extinction and conservation of biological diversity should be addressed. . . . All animals and plants help make our natural surroundings more diverse and should be protected to ensure preservation of a healthy environment.”
Leave, Steve
After defeating incumbent Steve Stockman in a race for Congress, Nick Lampson of Beaumont inherited Stockman’s office. When Lampson’s aides used the fax machine, they discovered that it had been programmed to print a notation at the top that read “Sent By Slick Nick Lampson.”
How About “We’re Not Texas Tech?”
The University of Texas announced that its slogan for a $1 billion fundraising campaign, which was developed by GSD&M of Austin, was “We’re Texas”—only to discover that five months earlier, Texas Tech University had adopted “We’re Texas Tech.”
Make That the Austin Ice Baths
Referees had to halt games of the Austin Ice Bats hockey team on several occasions because the city’s heat and high humidity and the players’ profuse sweating created a dense indoor fog.
Next Thing You Know, They’ll Make Us Give Up the Swan Dive
Maryland-based United Poultry Concerns, a self-described animal rights group for domestic fowl, protested Quitaque’s annual “guinea drop,” in which live guinea fowl with prize tags attached to their legs are tossed from an airplane and chased by townsfolk.
Historically, Lots of Governors Have Raised Money on the Strength of Their Convictions
When Texas Department of Criminal Justice inmate Biswajeet Mishra wrote George W. Bush seeking a pardon for his burglary conviction, the governor responded with a “Dear Friend” letter soliciting a reelection donation.
Let’s Drop ‘Em From an Airplane Over Quitaque
After the price of emus fell from $45,000 a pair to $40, some
East Texas ranchers released their emus into the wild, resulting in car wrecks and unprovoked attacks on the large, flightless birds.
Now That’s a Pissing Contest
The American Enuresis Foundation of Tulsa sued the rival Bed Wetting Revolution of Houston over the rights to fees and client lists of bed wetters seeking treatment.
It Was a Loose Ball Foul
A TV cameraman at a Houston Rockets–Dallas Mavericks game wore a strategically placed “No Kicking” sign after Chicago Bulls star Dennis Rodman was suspended for kicking a sports photographer in the groin.
Read My Fingertips
During a ceremony with former presidents and first ladies at the Gerald R. Ford Museum in Grand Rapids, Michigan, George Bush enhanced a photo session by giving his wife, Barbara, bunny ears.
“I Wish I Were an Oscar Meyer Tofu Dog”
A protester in a pink pig suit picketed an appearance of the Oscar Meyer Wienermobile at an Austin HEB store by carrying a sign that read, “Did your food have a face? Go vegetarian.”
Only If You First Give Cuba Back to Spain
Cuban president Fidel Castro called upon the United States to return to Mexico millions of square miles of land, including Texas, California, Arizona, and New Mexico.
