Bum Steer Awards 2002

HAPPIER NEW YEAR! SURELY 2002 HAS TO be better than 2001, and the best way to help it get off to a good start is with a little laughter. Along with our regular January feature, the Bum Steer Awards, in this issue we present a collection of Texas humor pieces: two hundred classic Texas jokes, plus Willie Nelson's favorite clean jokes—no dirty cracks, please—and lots more.

We're also doing something different for Bum Steers this time around. Instead of naming our own Bum Steer of the Year, we're going to let you make the call. There is no shortage of contenders. The Astros choked again, and the Rangers finished last despite bestowing $252 million ($3,452,054.79 per victory) on A-Rod. Darkness—or was it Knight?—descended in Lubbock. The University of Texas had its shot at the Rose Bowl and shot itself in the foot. The Bush girls got busted, Rick Perry busted a record 82 bills with vetoes, and Enron went bust.

Which brings us to our four Bum Steer of the Year finalists: Should the winner be Enron's former genius Ken Lay? The formerly good Dallas Cowboys? Frustrated litigant Anna Nicole Smith? Or Luftwaffe commissioner—oops, we mean land commissioner—David Dewhurst? The polls are open.

Bum Steer of the Year candidate #1

Ken Laybr>
Vote for Lay.

BUT THEY WERE SO RIGHT FOR EACH OTHER WHILE IT LASTED
Deejays Kramer and Twitch of KEGL-FM in Dallas were fired after they falsely reported that singer Britney Spears had died in a car crash and 'N Sync's Justin Timberlake was in a coma.

SUBSTITUTE BRITNEY FOR TIMOTHY AND LET'S CALL IT EVEN
One day after firing deejays Kramer and Twitch, Tom Schurr, the vice president and market manager for KEGL-FM in Dallas, said the station had no plans to take down controversial billboards with the words "Highway to Hell" next to an image of Satan injecting Timothy McVeigh.

SORRY. ANATOMY 401 IS FULL
In Texas Woman's University's summer class schedule, two digits in the school's main telephone number were transposed, so students who tried to call for information reached instead a phone-sex line inviting callers to enjoy "the naughtiest girls around.

"THEY RECOMMENDED THAT DALLAS MOVE TO CALIFORNIA
The City of Dallas set out to study the feasibility of doing business with local companies by hiring an Oakland, California, firm to conduct the research.

IF YOU CAN'T STAND THE FAJITA, STAY OUT OF THE BITCHIN'
Elsa city manager Leonard Camarillo and city councilman Rey Alejandro argued publicly on Election Day because Camarillo insulted the appearance of some fajitas that political allies of Alejandro had brought to city hall.

DOT'S ALL, FOLKS
To protest a Lubbock ordinance that bans more than two unrelated adults from living in a single-family dwelling, landlord Bill Davis painted his rental house for students black with purple polka dots.

LIKE "ALABAMA" STANDS FOR "ALL LOSERS AND BUMPKINS AND MORONS APLENTY"
Columnist Bill Lumpkin of the Birmingham Post-Herald, writing about the upcoming game between Alabama and the University of Texas at El Paso, theorized that "UTEP" stood for "United Tamale Eaters of Paso."

NEXT ON THE AGENDA: A PLAN TO CHANGE THE NAME OF "DALLAS STREET" TO "LITTLE D DRIVE"
Officials for the City of Houston, which is building a 24-story hotel between its sports arena and convention center, announced plans to rename the section of street the hotel faces "Lamar" so that the $630 million project won't have an address on Dallas Street.

THAT'S ONE WAY TO WASH AWAY YOUR SINS
The Abilene Reporter-News revealed that Mayor Grady Barr, who implemented water-use restrictions in July, had used 44,000 gallons in June, almost 35,000 gallons more than the household average for the city.

THEY'RE ALSO PLAYING LIKE NUMBER TWO
According to a study by the Los Angeles Times, the Dallas Cowboys, long the NFL's richest team, dropped to number two in revenue.

BUSCH LEAGUE
Little League coach Gene Henry Austin II of Alvin was fined $400 and placed on two years probation for giving beer to the children on his team.

OH, THAT RECONSTRUCTION
Susan Weddington, the chairman of the Republican party of Texas, issued a press release celebrating the 113th birthday of the party's oldest living member, Maude Conic of Wharton, in which she said that after the 2002 elections, Conic would be "the only person to have seen her party hold a majority of seats in the Texas House of Representatives on two separate occasions. The last time it happened, during the post-Civil War Reconstruction era, Ms. Conic was just nine years old!" In fact, Reconstruction in Texas ended in 1874, fourteen years before Conic was born.

SUSIE DOESN'T
Actress Susan L. Schwartz of New York adapted the 1978 porn flick Debbie Does Dallas into a nudity-free Off-Broadway stage show.

NOT WITHOUT TURNING THEM UPSIDE DOWN
University of Texas at Austin attorneys and offended alumni challenged the City of Fort Worth's Molly the Cow icon, which they said too closely resembled UT's Bevo. Commented Fort Worth councilman Jim Lane: "Those people don't know the difference between a steer and a cow."

A POINT OF ORDER HAS BEEN RAISED THAT THE GENTLEMEN'S TIME HAS EXPIRED. THE POINT IS WELL TAKEN AND SUSTAINED. NOW SHUT UP
Members of the Czech Heritage Society of Texas had to be asked to leave the state capitol after serenading legislators, lobbyists, and staff for three hours in German and Czech.

PLAN A: GET OUTDOORS AND EXERCISE. BREATHING THE AIR WILL MAKE THEM TOO SICK TO EAT
Houston city officials asked the Parks and Recreation Department to come up with a plan for improving residents' health after the February issue of Men's Fitness magazine declared their town the fattest city in America.

PRACTICE IS SUCH A BUMP AND GRIND
Three female coaches at Gene Pike Middle School in Fort Worth instituted a game of strip volleyball in which players who missed a serve during practice had to remove shoes, socks, knee pads, or hair ornaments, but they were forced to halt the activity when some girls began removing their outer garments.

THE HASH BROWNS ARE SPECIAL TOO
Benjamin Roberts, a cook at a Whataburger in The Colony, was arrested after he added marijuana to a breakfast taco he prepared for a police dispatcher.

Bum Steer of the Year candidate #2

Anna Nicole Smithbr>
Vote for Anna Nicole Smith.

BIMBOS? WE THOUGHT YOU ONLY GOT THOSE IN HOLLYWOOD
Gossip columnist Liz Smith reported that actress Catherine Zeta-Jones, when asked by a journalist, "Are those rhinestones in your ears?" replied, "Hello? They're diamonds. Rhinestones? I thought you only got those in Texas!"

PART OF THE WAY WITH LBJ
Marty Akins, a former UT quarterback who is running for the Democratic nomination for state comptroller, told supporters at a rally, "When I was at the University of Texas . . . I was lucky enough to sit down and meet with President Johnson on many occasions." But the former president died in January 1973, after Akins had completed only one semester.

KONICHI-WOW!
Karla Waples of New Braunfels was arrested in Tokyo for protesting the use of fur and hides in the fashion industry by wearing nothing but a sign stating "Human Skin In, Animal Skin Out.

"TWO BITS, FOUR BITS, SIX BITS, A DOLLAR! ALL FOR RUDY, STAND UP AND HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER!
After two judges for cheerleader tryouts at Brazoswood High School in Clute admitted that they had rigged the scores, Brazoswood school superintendent Rudy Okruhlik allowed all sixty girls who tried out to join the cheerleading squad.

WHERE'S RUDY OKRUHLIK WHEN YOU NEED HIM?
A majority of the school district trustees in San Marcos voted to let three girls who did not make the cut in cheerleading tryouts join the squad after their parents complained, then reversed themselves when the faculty sponsors resigned and 49 other parents filed protests.

GIVE BOEING $252 MILLION AND THEY MIGHT MOVE TO TEXAS TOO
As Seattle-based Boeing was deciding where to move its headquarters, Alex Rodriguez, the Texas Rangers' shortstop and a former Seattle Mariner, issued a statement to the company in which he said, "I came to Dallas-Fort Worth to improve my future, and so should you."

KNOCK, KNOCK. WHO'S THERE? CARGO. CARGO WHO? CARGO BETTER THAN PLANE DO
Before takeoff from Dallas-Fort Worth International Airport, the crew of a Champion Air charter flight questioned a knocking sound coming from the plane's cargo area. Following assurances by Servisair, the baggage-handling company, that all was well, the flight took off and flew to Puerto Vallarta with a Servisair employee in the cargo hold.

Pres!

Beating around with the Bushes.

"AND I PROMISE THIS TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE: E ILL IN THE AR ON TERRORISM"
To annoy the incoming staff of President George W. Bush, departing workers in the Clinton White House removed the W key from several of the White House's computer keyboards.

THE APPLEJACK DOESN'T FALL FAR FROM THE TREE
Two weeks after pleading no contest to underage drinking at an Austin bar, presidential daughter Jenna Bush, a student at UT, was cited for trying to buy a margarita with a fake I.D. at an Austin restaurant.

TRY CALLING THE SUPREME COURT. THEY DELIVERED FLORIDA
According to a Knight Ridder report, during George W. Bush's run for president, members of his campaign staff called the Los Angeles production offices of the Emmy award-winning show The West Wing and suggested the candidate "could do a cameo as a pizza delivery guy or something."strong>YANQUI SI! CUBAN NO!
Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban was fined a total of $395,000 by the NBA for actions ranging from running onto the court during a game to swearing at referees and sitting on the floor along the baseline in a manner deemed unbecoming to an NBA owner.

SO—IS THERE MORE THAN ONE WAY?
Baylor University baseball players Derek Brehm and Clint Bowers were arrested on charges of animal cruelty after Waco police officers found the head of a skinned cat in Bowers' car.

LAST TRANSACTION CANCELED
Barton Bailey Greer of Austin was nabbed by police officers and charged with burglary after he loaded an automatic teller machine onto a dolly and attempted to roll it out of a bar.

TALIBANNED!
Customer complaints forced J.J.'s Party House of McAllen to pull from the shelves of the store piñatas bearing the likeness of Osama bin Laden.

AND THEY'RE FRUITFUL
The Houston Chronicle headlined a story about the increasing number of lesbian and gay couples in America "Same-Sex Households Multiply."

HE SUFFERS FROM EJECTILE DYSFUNCTION
The Dallas Mavericks head coach, Don Nelson, earned the distinction of having sixty career ejections, more than any other coach in the NBA.

SAY IT'S SNOT SO
Thirty-nine years after changing the name of Town Creek to Little Booger Creek, the Burleson city council voted to change the name back to Town Creek so the city manager's office could apply for a federal grant for a creekside hike and bike trail without having the official paperwork use the word "booger."

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN STYLISH
Nicholas Tubbs of Fort Worth was captured and arrested in his underwear after he botched a bank robbery and then attempted to escape by entering a nearby salon and requesting a tanning session.

SLOW PAYMENT ZONE AHEAD
The town of Kendleton filed for bankruptcy after state officials seized its entire bank account of $18,599 because city officials had missed two payments on $660,000 the town owed the state, which represented the state's share of the speeding-ticket fines Kendleton had collected from 1990 to 1996.

DON'T WORRY. THEY'LL NEVER GET NEAR IT
An Internet joke circulated in which Dallas Cowboys head coach Dave Campo suspended a practice session and called the FBI after a player reported seeing on the field an unknown white powdery substance, which federal agents later determined to be the goal line.

Presses!

Hot items off the Bum Steer Bookshelf.

"SOMETIMES JUSTICE FARTS,"
by Richard W. Carter of Arlington, a.k.a. Judge Fudge. Order online from judgefudge.com ($9.95, plus shipping). Chapters include "People Might Think You're a Criminal If . . ." ("You have a large roommate who pumps both iron and you"); "The Truth, Mostly the Truth, and Only a Few Little White Lies" ("Judge Fudge, who lives in the state of Texas, famous not only for its 'armadillos on the half shell,' but also for its 'executions on the half hour,' loves to celebrate executions"); and "People Might Think You Are a Cop If . . ." ("You frequently place handcuffs on other persons while not engaging in fantasy sex.")

THE BUSH WHITE HOUSE: WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE ANYWAY?
(no author listed). Order online from CheckerBee.com (Checkerbee Publishing, Middletown, Connecticut). "But it's not all about work! Yes, these powerful politicians have lives outside of their desks in Washington. Do you know which staff member met his wife in the fifth grade? Can you guess which Cabinet member's nickname is 'Maverick'? Read on to find out!"

WITH AN UNDERWIRE BRA, OF COURSE
Jeff Hebert of Georgetown, the creator of the superhero Web site HeroMachine.com, which allows users to generate illustrations of characters in fantasy games, received so many requests to offer larger breast sizes for female characters that USA Today covered the resulting online controversy. "Exaggeration is part of the genre," Hebert told the newspaper, "but it's always bugged me. . . . How would you do all that if you had these breasts flopping around in the wind?"

WHAT CAN YOU EXPECT FROM A COMPANY THAT CAN'T SPELL ITS OWN COIN?
Plano-based J. C. Penney, responding to protests from parents and other customers, removed from its stores all samples of a T-shirt reading "Home Skooled."

Bum Steer of the Year candidate #3

The Dallas Cowboysbr>
Vote for the Cowboys.

GOOD POINT. YOU CAN WORK IN THE PRISON LAUNDRY
Ryan Beene, a repo man from North Richland Hills, was charged with violating his probation and sentenced to ten years in prison after towing off a van and failing to notice a six-foot-tall man in the passenger seat and two children in the back. Said Beene in his own defense: "All repo men ain't bad. I wore starched clothes to work."

WITH A SELF-INFLICTED WOUND
Teacher Robert Drury of Burleson, who had applied for but failed to obtain a teaching position at the Academy at Nola Dunn, was arrested for calling the school and leaving threats on the office's answering machine, such as "The time for talking is over. Killing begins."

THAT WAS SOME POT HOLE!
The Hemp Advocates of Texas had to postpone a trip to Austin after their "hemp car," promoting the use of biodiesel fuel from the seeds of the hemp plant, broke down.

THEY FORGOT TO LOOK IN THE TRUNK
Mexican authorities at the Brownsville-Matamoros border checkpoint failed to notice when circus performers smuggled into their country a three-ton elephant named Benny.

AGGIES 35, SCOUTS 0
Because of the high demand for tickets for the Texas A&M-Iowa State football game and the lack of TV coverage, A&M athletic director Wally Groff canceled Scout Day, the annual free-admission day for Boy and Girl Scouts, and sold the tickets instead for $35 apiece.

HE SHOULD HAVE RUN FOR THE BORDER
According to Fort Worth police officers, Lakount Maddox bicycled up to a Taco Bell drive-through window, brandished a toy gun, and demanded money and a chalupa. He got the money but was arrested when police officers arrived while he was still waiting for his chalupa.

HANDS UP! WHAT'S MY BALANCE?
Anthony Nunley of San Antonio robbed Guaranty Federal Bank of $2,000 but was arrested later, having handed the teller not only a threatening note demanding money but also a deposit slip on which he had signed his name.

HOOF 'EM HORNS
The City of Hillsboro earmarked $2.2 million to help build a monument that would consist of a 485-foot-long set of horns spanning Interstate 35 to commemorate the Chisholm Trail.

CORRECTION: THE REFERENCE IN YESTERDAY'S PAPER TO AN AUSTIN JOGGING PATH INADVERTENTLY CONTAINED AN ETHNIC SLUR. THE PHRASE SHOULD HAVE READ "SEMITE AND BIKE TRAIL." THE STATESMAN REGRETS THE ERROR
The Austin American-Statesman printed, on the same spread as an editorial about racist language, a line referring to the city's "kike and bike trail."

Bum Steer of the Year candidate #4

David Dewhurstbr>
Vote for David Dewhurst

CHANGE THAT TO TEXAS CRIME WAVE
One of the nation's largest car shows was disrupted in Round Rock when Department of Public Safety troopers put up a roadblock on U.S. 79 and issued 139 tickets and 90 warnings for blue taillights, low suspensions, and other "illegal modifications," which are exactly what shows like the Texas Heat Wave feature.

TRAVIS WAS BUSY DRAWING A LINE IN THE MUD AT SAN JACINTO
The office of U.S. representative Henry Bonilla of San Antonio issued a press release correcting an error in his weekly newspaper column that identified the commander of the Alamo as Sam Houston.

IF IT HAD BEEN A GIRL, SHE WOULD HAVE BEEN "QVC"
Jason Curiel of Corpus Christi watches so much sports on TV that he named his new son "Espn."

IT'S NOT THE FIRST TIME ONE OF THE BAYLOR FLOCK HAS STRAYED
Baylor University police officers rescued a live sheep that unidentified students had stolen from a pioneer-farm display on campus, dressed in lingerie and lipstick, and then hidden in a parking garage.

THEY WERE STUDYING THE THREE R'S—REPLICATING, RIPPING OFF, AND RAY-BANS
Seven Cedar Park High School students were arrested and charged with engaging in various criminal acts after counterfeiting $20 and $100 bills on a home computer and using them to buy sunglasses.

THE NATIONAL ELEPHANT MEMORIAL STATUE WAS JEALOUS
The town of Muleshoe sent to George W. Bush's inaugural parade its four-hundred-pound, nine-foot-long monument of Old Pete, the National Mule Memorial statue.

2DUM4WDS
Austin police officers charged Ruben Gonzales with aggravated assault with a motor vehicle following an act of road rage in which he rammed another vehicle four times with his Chevrolet Suburban and then drove away without realizing that his front license plate had come off and was stuck in the trailer hitch of the other car.

HOW CUD THEY?
Thieves in Houston stole off the street a painted plastic sculpture of a cow wearing a yellow hard hat and an orange safety vest.

YOUR TAX DOLLARS AT PLAY
Officials were so slow to approve the repair of severe potholes in northern Denton County that two residents on the affected streets purchased 1,300 pounds of asphalt and fixed the holes themselves.

RE-VOLT-ING
Screams, a Halloween-themed amusement park near Waxahachie, included an attraction called the Hot Seat Extreme, an "interactive electric chair" that features an electrocution simulator that billows with smoke.

'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS, AND ALL THROUGH THE BIG HOUSE. . .
Amarillo convict David Joyner filed a federal lawsuit against Penthouse because, he claimed, its layout of Clinton accuser Paula Jones didn't show all, as the magazine promised on its cover, prompting Judge Sam Sparks of Austin to issue a ruling against him in rhyme that read, in part, "But what to his wondering eyes should appear/ Not Paula Jones' promised privates but only her rear."

SOMETHING EXTRA-SPECIAL IN THE AIR
Officials at Dallas' American Airlines Center arena replaced ten bathroom windows on the upper floors after discovering, thanks to TV footage of the grand opening, that the frosted glass was actually see-through.

ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO EAT
After New York Times correspondent Marc Lacey's car hit a deer as he was returning from an assignment at President Bush's Crawford ranch, two McGregor police officers dressed out the dead animal on the highway so they could recover the venison.

HE WAS TOTALLY IN THE DARK ANYWAY
During an ongoing dispute over contract negotiations between the El Paso Municipal Police Officers' Association and the city, a police officer stopped Mayor Carlos Ramirez's 1983 Mercedes and issued him a warning citation for having "excessive window tint."

STILL PENDING: THE REQUEST TO NAME AN UNDERSEA VOLCANO "REVEILLE FIRE HYDRANT"
At the request of Texas A&M University oceanography professor William Bryant, the U.S. Board on Geographic Names began using "Reveille Basin," in honor of the Aggie mascot, for an undersea area in the Gulf of Mexico.

GIVING A WHOLE NEW MEANING TO THE PHRASE "STICKY WICKET"
Debbie Tubb and Pete Stewart used croquet mallets to subdue the rats in their Austin duplex.

GIVE US THIS DAY OUR DAILY BIG MAC
Brentwood Baptist Church of Houston is building a McDonald's, complete with drive-through window, in its new community center building.

Presley!

Elvis has not left the state.

SHE WASN'T THE ONE
Lisa Johansen of Sweden, who wrote a book in which she claimed Lisa Marie Presley is a fraud and she herself is Elvis' real daughter, was sued by BCJR & V, the Austin-based publisher that paid her a $200,000 advance, because she refused to undergo a DNA test to confirm her identity.

DON'T FORGET THE ONE ABOUT THE BOMBS BURSTING IN AIR
Following the September 11 terrorist attacks, San Antonio- based Clear Channel Communications, the world's largest radio network, recommended that its stations not play Elvis Presley's "(You're the) Devil in Disguise" and 158 other songs the company deemed "lyrically questionable," including the Beatles' "Ticket to Ride," Shelley Fabares' "Johnny Angel," Elton John's "Benny and the Jets," and Don McLean's "American Pie."

LAISSEZ LES BON-BONS ROULER
During the 60-Plus Mardi Gras parade, San Antonio police officers ticketed the king and queen of the San Jose Senior Center after the two riders violated a city ordinance against throwing objects from a float by tossing candy to children.

TOFU MEANS NEVER HAVING TO SAY YOU'RE SOY
Tofu manufacturer Dallas Calco agreed to pay $50,000 in penalties and fees after Attorney General John Cornyn sued the company for producing the health-food staple in unsanitary conditions.

APPEARING FOR THE DEFENDANT: IZZY, STUPID, R. WATT
Patrick Michael Penker pleaded guilty to charges of money laundering and identity fraud after attempting to have a cashier's check reissued under a different name, only to have a Lubbock banker notice that Penker's company, Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe, was a fictional law firm often invoked in Three Stooges comedies.

IT WAS A CAPITOL OFFENSE
Following Texas Tech's 12-0 win over Texas A&M, Tech students tore down the goalposts and attempted to shove them into an area of the stands occupied by A&M fans, including Mike McKinney, the chief of staff for Governor Rick Perry. McKinney had to get stitches after being hit by a student he said was from Tech, but stadium video cameras later showed that the governor's staffer had threatened the student with his binoculars first and the student who hit him was an Aggie.

LA CUCKOO-RACHA
In an effort to help the Sigma Zeta scientific honor society at Our Lady of the Lake University in San Antonio raise money to travel to a national convention, Professor Cary Guffey made $425 by charging $1 for each roach tossed on him as he lay in a coffin.

THEY ALL LOOK ALIKE
Dallas-Fort Worth International Airport officials selected a new logo from the eighty or so provided by design firm Luxon Carrà of San Francisco, only to have San Francisco International Airport officials complain that it looked too much like their own, which was created by the same firm two years earlier.

RAW IS WAR, BUT COOKED IS SHORTY
Wrestler "Stone Cold" Steve Austin and a Houston businessman bought Shorty, the grand champion steer of the 2001 Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo, and donated him to an annual law-enforcement cookoff.

RIGHT BETWEEN HER MATTERHORNS
Dallasite Shawne Fielding, a former Mrs. Texas America and the wife of Switzerland's ambassador to Germany, offended Swiss politicians by posing for photographs that appeared in the German magazine Max in an article titled "Cowgirl From the Alpine Meadow," which depicted her posing with a horse on the embassy steps in Berlin, standing in front of the Swiss flag on the embassy roof while wearing a red miniskirt, and displaying her cleavage while sporting the American flag as a necktie and flaunting a dollar sign on her chest.

THERE WAS A SERIOUS DIFFERENCE OF A PIÑON, AND THE STAKES WEREN'T PEANUTS. IN A SENATE COMMITTEE A PROFESSOR FROM MACADAMIA TESTIFIED, "IF THE CASHEW FITS, WEAR IT," BUT AN OPPONENT REPLIED, "WE'RE NOT GOING TO PULL YOUR CHESTNUTS OUT OF THE FIRE. BEN THERE, DONE THAT." BOTH SIDES STARTED TO SASSAFRAS EACH OTHER—"YOU SON OF A BEECHNUT"—UNTIL A SENATOR SHOUTED, "I WALNUT TOLERATE SUCH LANGUAGE." THE CHAPLAIN PRAYED, "ALMOND, BROTHER." WHEN EVERYONE AGREED THAT BETELS WERE A PLAGUE, THE CHANCE FOR A COMPROMISE GRUGRU. THE SENATORS MADE THEIR DECISION AND LEFT THE CHAMBER, AGREEING THAT PARTING IS SUCH SWEET SUWARRO. THE WINNER WAS PRAISED FOR HIS PECAN-DO SPIRIT. [WE APOLOGIZE FOR HAVING SUCH ACORNY SENSE OF HUMOR.]
The Texas Senate passed a resolution designating the pecan as the Official State Health Nut of Texas.

BOOK HIM
Nolan County-Sweetwater library patron James Fox was fined $350 in court after the library filed theft charges against him for failing to return copies of