Bum Steer Awards 2002

HAPPIER NEW YEAR! SURELY 2002 HAS TO be better than 2001, and the best way to help it get off to a good start is with a little laughter. Along with our regular January feature, the Bum Steer Awards, in this issue we present a collection of Texas humor pieces: two hundred classic Texas jokes, plus Willie Nelson's favorite clean jokes—no dirty cracks, please—and lots more.

We're also doing something different for Bum Steers this time around. Instead of naming our own Bum Steer of the Year, we're going to let you make the call. There is no shortage of contenders. The Astros choked again, and the Rangers finished last despite bestowing $252 million ($3,452,054.79 per victory) on A-Rod. Darkness—or was it Knight?—descended in Lubbock. The University of Texas had its shot at the Rose Bowl and shot itself in the foot. The Bush girls got busted, Rick Perry busted a record 82 bills with vetoes, and Enron went bust.

Which brings us to our four Bum Steer of the Year finalists: Should the winner be Enron's former genius Ken Lay? The formerly good Dallas Cowboys? Frustrated litigant Anna Nicole Smith? Or Luftwaffe commissioner—oops, we mean land commissioner—David Dewhurst? The polls are open.

Bum Steer of the Year candidate #1

Ken Lay

Remember when California was broke and Enron was solvent? It was less than a year ago that the energy-trading company trumpeted its status as the first Houston-based company to post $100 billion in revenues. Now comes another first: the largest bankruptcy in the history of American business ($49.8 billion in assets). When Enron was riding high, California attorney general Bill Lockyer blamed the company for his state's persistent brownouts and other energy problems. Lockyer said of Enron's chairman, "I would love to personally escort Lay to an eight-by-ten cell that he could share with a tattooed dude who says, 'Hi, my name is Spike, honey.'" The way things are going for Enron these days, he may yet get the chance.

Vote for Lay.

BUT THEY WERE SO RIGHT FOR EACH OTHER WHILE IT LASTED
Deejays Kramer and Twitch of KEGL-FM in Dallas were fired after they falsely reported that singer Britney Spears had died in a car crash and 'N Sync's Justin Timberlake was in a coma.

SUBSTITUTE BRITNEY FOR TIMOTHY AND LET'S CALL IT EVEN
One day after firing deejays Kramer and Twitch, Tom Schurr, the vice president and market manager for KEGL-FM in Dallas, said the station had no plans to take down controversial billboards with the words "Highway to Hell" next to an image of Satan injecting Timothy McVeigh.

SORRY. ANATOMY 401 IS FULL
In Texas Woman's University's summer class schedule, two digits in the school's main telephone number were transposed, so students who tried to call for information reached instead a phone-sex line inviting callers to enjoy "the naughtiest girls around.

"THEY RECOMMENDED THAT DALLAS MOVE TO CALIFORNIA
The City of Dallas set out to study the feasibility of doing business with local companies by hiring an Oakland, California, firm to conduct the research.

IF YOU CAN'T STAND THE FAJITA, STAY OUT OF THE BITCHIN'
Elsa city manager Leonard Camarillo and city councilman Rey Alejandro argued publicly on Election Day because Camarillo insulted the appearance of some fajitas that political allies of Alejandro had brought to city hall.

DOT'S ALL, FOLKS
To protest a Lubbock ordinance that bans more than two unrelated adults from living in a single-family dwelling, landlord Bill Davis painted his rental house for students black with purple polka dots.

LIKE "ALABAMA" STANDS FOR "ALL LOSERS AND BUMPKINS AND MORONS APLENTY"
Columnist Bill Lumpkin of the Birmingham Post-Herald, writing about the upcoming game between Alabama and the University of Texas at El Paso, theorized that "UTEP" stood for "United Tamale Eaters of Paso."

NEXT ON THE AGENDA: A PLAN TO CHANGE THE NAME OF "DALLAS STREET" TO "LITTLE D DRIVE"
Officials for the City of Houston, which is building a 24-story hotel between its sports arena and convention center, announced plans to rename the section of street the hotel faces "Lamar" so that the $630 million project won't have an address on Dallas Street.

THAT'S ONE WAY TO WASH AWAY YOUR SINS
The Abilene Reporter-News revealed that Mayor Grady Barr, who implemented water-use restrictions in July, had used 44,000 gallons in June, almost 35,000 gallons more than the household average for the city.

THEY'RE ALSO PLAYING LIKE NUMBER TWO
According to a study by the Los Angeles Times, the Dallas Cowboys, long the NFL's richest team, dropped to number two in revenue.

BUSCH LEAGUE
Little League coach Gene Henry Austin II of Alvin was fined $400 and placed on two years probation for giving beer to the children on his team.

OH, THAT RECONSTRUCTION
Susan Weddington, the chairman of the Republican party of Texas, issued a press release celebrating the 113th birthday of the party's oldest living member, Maude Conic of Wharton, in which she said that after the 2002 elections, Conic would be "the only person to have seen her party hold a majority of seats in the Texas House of Representatives on two separate occasions. The last time it happened, during the post-Civil War Reconstruction era, Ms. Conic was just nine years old!" In fact, Reconstruction in Texas ended in 1874, fourteen years before Conic was born.

SUSIE DOESN'T
Actress Susan L. Schwartz of New York adapted the 1978 porn flick Debbie Does Dallas into a nudity-free Off-Broadway stage show.

NOT WITHOUT TURNING THEM UPSIDE DOWN
University of Texas at Austin attorneys and offended alumni challenged the City of Fort Worth's Molly the Cow icon, which they said too closely resembled UT's Bevo. Commented Fort Worth councilman Jim Lane: "Those people don't know the difference between a steer and a cow."

A POINT OF ORDER HAS BEEN RAISED THAT THE GENTLEMEN'S TIME HAS EXPIRED. THE POINT IS WELL TAKEN AND SUSTAINED. NOW SHUT UP
Members of the Czech Heritage Society of Texas had to be asked to leave the state capitol after serenading legislators, lobbyists, and staff for three hours in German and Czech.

PLAN A: GET OUTDOORS AND EXERCISE. BREATHING THE AIR WILL MAKE THEM TOO SICK TO EAT
Houston city officials asked the Parks and Recreation Department to come up with a plan for improving residents' health after the February issue of Men's Fitness magazine declared their town the fattest city in America.

PRACTICE IS SUCH A BUMP AND GRIND
Three female coaches at Gene Pike Middle School in Fort Worth instituted a game of strip volleyball in which players who missed a serve during practice had to remove shoes, socks, knee pads, or hair ornaments, but they were forced to halt the activity when some girls began removing their outer garments.

THE HASH BROWNS ARE SPECIAL TOO
Benjamin Roberts, a cook at a Whataburger in The Colony, was arrested after he added marijuana to a breakfast taco he prepared for a police dispatcher.

Bum Steer of the Year candidate #2

Anna Nicole Smith

Twice a Bum Steer of the Year: Why not thrice? The infamous onetime model and Playboy centerfold lost her bid to inherit hundreds of millions of dollars from the estate of her late husband, J. Howard Marshall, whom she married when she was 26 and he was 89. During the trial she said that she once lost $4 million in jewelry because "I used to be a real ditz." She's only a superficial ditz now.

Vote for Anna Nicole Smith.

BIMBOS? WE THOUGHT YOU ONLY GOT THOSE IN HOLLYWOOD
Gossip columnist Liz Smith reported that actress Catherine Zeta-Jones, when asked by a journalist, "Are those rhinestones in your ears?" replied, "Hello? They're diamonds. Rhinestones? I thought you only got those in Texas!"

PART OF THE WAY WITH LBJ
Marty Akins, a former UT quarterback who is running for the Democratic nomination for state comptroller, told supporters at a rally, "When I was at the University of Texas . . . I was lucky enough to sit down and meet with President Johnson on many occasions." But the former president died in January 1973, after Akins had completed only one semester.

KONICHI-WOW!
Karla Waples of New Braunfels was arrested in Tokyo for protesting the use of fur and hides in the fashion industry by wearing nothing but a sign stating "Human Skin In, Animal Skin Out.

"TWO BITS, FOUR BITS, SIX BITS, A DOLLAR! ALL FOR RUDY, STAND UP AND HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER HOLLER!
After two judges for cheerleader tryouts at Brazoswood High School in Clute admitted that they had rigged the scores, Brazoswood school superintendent Rudy Okruhlik allowed all sixty girls who tried out to join the cheerleading squad.

WHERE'S RUDY OKRUHLIK WHEN YOU NEED HIM?
A majority of the school district trustees in San Marcos voted to let three girls who did not make the cut in cheerleading tryouts join the squad after their parents complained, then reversed themselves when the faculty sponsors resigned and 49 other parents filed protests.

GIVE BOEING $252 MILLION AND THEY MIGHT MOVE TO TEXAS TOO
As Seattle-based Boeing was deciding where to move its headquarters, Alex Rodriguez, the Texas Rangers' shortstop and a former Seattle Mariner, issued a statement to the company in which he said, "I came to Dallas-Fort Worth to improve my future, and so should you."

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